Married Life
Christine29n
member
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Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Father in law living with us
in Married Life
I don't know where else to turn and hope I can get some advice from here. My husband and I have been married for 12 years and have a 8 year old daughter. My MIL passed away about 6 years ago. 2 years ago my FIL moved in with us. It was not because he had falling health or was unable to take care of himself, he said it was because he did not want to miss out daughter growing up. We live in Indiana and he lived in NY. He has 2 other children, a daughter that lived 20 minutes from him and a son in NC. I have since realized the real reason is because he wants someone to do all his cooking and cleaning up after him. He spends no time with our daughter. Our daughter has pointed out on several occasions that Her grandpa never wants to do anything except sit around and watch TV. He does not contribute to the household what so ever and to make matters worse, he just purchased a $30,000 truck and paid cash! But does not help us with bills. He is constantly leaving lights in around the house, eating all our food and taking 30 minute showers. When I approach him about these things, he is quick to belittle me and say "yep, and I'm not going to help either" my husband constantly sides with him and tests him as if he's his child, more so than our own daughter! I have see my FIL in my husband more and more everyday. He just sits around, watched TV and spends no quality time with our daughter. He is quick to yell and curse at me, to the point of putting her in tears. She has even been to the counsler at school for crying in class. Her dad does not see this as an issue and instead of talking to her or apologizeing, he does nothing. I feel as if it is me and her against him and his dad! To make matters worse, there is so much turmoil in this house, that her friends don't want to come around anymore. Who wants to come over when you can be guaranteed that there will be some cursing in this house! I try to make her life as good as I can. I have become room parent and a Girl Scout leader and try to do fun things with her on a regular basis. Of course, she knows this is not the way it's suppose to be. As far as my FIL, I have begged him to go and visit one of children for a couple of months to give us some alone time, and he refuses. He states that his son has too much of a busy life with the kids and always wants to drag him along and his daughter drives him crazy (lol, like he drives me). I get no respect! We have a new home and he treats it with no respect either! Oh I could go on and on!
Re: Father in law living with us
If it were me, i'd me filing divorce papers, you and your daughter are better off without both of them.
I agree with the pp, that you could suggest counseling to your husband but his personality seems the type not to go. You should see someone on your own so that you realize you are worth WAY more than this.
I agree with the others. But what we can't answer for you is, is this enough for you to leave or file for divorce? Only you can answer that question. But it sounds like its there...if not for you, then for your daughter. I mean, as a little girl, her stress level is so high that she is actually crying in class!!! And she feels like she can't even invite her friends over. Those are serious cries for help.
And look at what she is seeing as a normal family life. A family where women are second class citizens and are expected to wait on the men hand and foot. At this rate, she'll grow up and marry a man just like her father and grandfather and I know you don't want that for her.
I'm not trying to beat up on you but, for a stranger looking in, this seems like a very serious situation. Not just for you, but for her.
Your H is not taking your feelings or your daughter's feelings into consideration at all. Has he always been like this? Or only since the FIL moved in?
I know you've been patient and have tried to improve things but, without your H's support, you have already seen this just leads to your FIL being even more patronizing. Because he knows he can get away with it. I don't want to speak for you but, for me...it would be ultimatum time. Either FIL goes or I do. It is unconscionable that he, a grown man, contributes NOTHING. No money, no help around the house. And then even seems to rub your nose in it.
Good luck with things and I hope your H will see the light and finally stand up for his wife and daughter.
Bolded. I totally agree. Kids are very resilient - to a point. But, if whatever toxic stuff is going on in your home is going with her to school, then you must not underestimate the long-term effects this will have on her health (mentally and emotionally). Plus, this will cause her to make poor choices in friends, boys, and other activities...
I think you may want to consider learning more online about mental and emotional abuse and start making changes in your situation and your daughters' accordingly.