Trouble in Paradise
giselej813
newb
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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Newbie/Advice**long**
Hello everyone. My name is Robin and I'm 32yrs old. So after a couple of days lurking I decided to join in. Here is some background about my Dh and I.
***WARNING LONG***
Dh and I have been married for 6yrs and we lived together two years before marriage. We have always had a tight relationship/marriage. We both was really happy together. I couldn't wait until I got off from work to rush home to him, you all that mussy stuff. Things between us was all good until the 2nd year of our marriage. To make a long story short, Dh started acting suspicious and going through my personal belongings like my cell phone. I never gave him a reason to do so. We would argue constantly, and one day during a argument he told me that while we was dating (dating for 3weeks at the time) that he went through my phone and say that my ex-boyfriend had texted me. The thing about my relationship with Dh is that I stared dating him a couple of weeks after I borke up with my ex-bf of 7years, and he was calling and texting me to see if we can get back together(which is another story in it self). Dh has bad trusted issues, but I never saw it until after we was married. Ok I'm going to try and sum up everything that I have been through in my marriage, because it's 7years of info.
Ok besides all of the arguing, losing trust, more aruguing , tears, not talking to each other, sleepless nights, marriage counseling x'2, staying up to 5am aruging. I have loss 4 pregnancies(2 miscarriage 2 ectopic) which I can no longer get pregnant naturally. I was diagnosed with thyroid disease and I reached my breaking point and asked Dh for a divorce because he never trusted me and I wasn't in love with him anymore. We are now separated with him living with his grandma and I moved back home with my parents. All of this has been a stressful emotional rollercoaster.
Don't get me wrong I do love him and I care about him, but idk if I can enter back into a marriage and live in the same house as him. Last year we both agree that we would try to see if we can work it out, but by us living in two different places its hard to do so. When we are together its awkward. We really have become two different people, and living apart has also pushed me away. Dh says that he's still in love with me and that he doesn't want to lose me. I don't feel the same, but what gets me is when he starts to cry. Dh is very emotional, so if I have my mind made up about something(like divorce) he starts to Boohoo cry about how much he love me and so on and then I'm like ok let's work it out, but then I'm not happy. He's a good person and you can always count on him no matter what. He just has a big issue with in himself and trusting people. He still doesn't understand why we are separated. I'm just ready to let go and move on with my life without carrying the guilt of if I'm making the right choice. I hate to see him cry it really hurts me. Idk what to do I'm stuck on my decision. Has anyone else dealt with a pending divorce decision? What was your outcome? Do you regret it?
Thanks for your time and reading my post.I know my post is long, but I tried to sum it up as much as possible. And sorry if my post seem all over the place. Thanks
***WARNING LONG***
Dh and I have been married for 6yrs and we lived together two years before marriage. We have always had a tight relationship/marriage. We both was really happy together. I couldn't wait until I got off from work to rush home to him, you all that mussy stuff. Things between us was all good until the 2nd year of our marriage. To make a long story short, Dh started acting suspicious and going through my personal belongings like my cell phone. I never gave him a reason to do so. We would argue constantly, and one day during a argument he told me that while we was dating (dating for 3weeks at the time) that he went through my phone and say that my ex-boyfriend had texted me. The thing about my relationship with Dh is that I stared dating him a couple of weeks after I borke up with my ex-bf of 7years, and he was calling and texting me to see if we can get back together(which is another story in it self). Dh has bad trusted issues, but I never saw it until after we was married. Ok I'm going to try and sum up everything that I have been through in my marriage, because it's 7years of info.
Ok besides all of the arguing, losing trust, more aruguing , tears, not talking to each other, sleepless nights, marriage counseling x'2, staying up to 5am aruging. I have loss 4 pregnancies(2 miscarriage 2 ectopic) which I can no longer get pregnant naturally. I was diagnosed with thyroid disease and I reached my breaking point and asked Dh for a divorce because he never trusted me and I wasn't in love with him anymore. We are now separated with him living with his grandma and I moved back home with my parents. All of this has been a stressful emotional rollercoaster.
Don't get me wrong I do love him and I care about him, but idk if I can enter back into a marriage and live in the same house as him. Last year we both agree that we would try to see if we can work it out, but by us living in two different places its hard to do so. When we are together its awkward. We really have become two different people, and living apart has also pushed me away. Dh says that he's still in love with me and that he doesn't want to lose me. I don't feel the same, but what gets me is when he starts to cry. Dh is very emotional, so if I have my mind made up about something(like divorce) he starts to Boohoo cry about how much he love me and so on and then I'm like ok let's work it out, but then I'm not happy. He's a good person and you can always count on him no matter what. He just has a big issue with in himself and trusting people. He still doesn't understand why we are separated. I'm just ready to let go and move on with my life without carrying the guilt of if I'm making the right choice. I hate to see him cry it really hurts me. Idk what to do I'm stuck on my decision. Has anyone else dealt with a pending divorce decision? What was your outcome? Do you regret it?
Thanks for your time and reading my post.I know my post is long, but I tried to sum it up as much as possible. And sorry if my post seem all over the place. Thanks
Re: Newbie/Advice**long**
First, I'm sorry that you've experienced so much stress. The loss of pregnancies and fertility can be very hard on both individuals (both partners) and the relationship as a whole. I do hope that you attend some individual counseling to help deal with the grief of the loss, and with the stress of your relationship. I've been doing individual counseling for a while now and it really has helped me learn about myself.
Second, I can relate to your ambivalence. It is terribly hard to know that we are or can hurt someone that we care about. No one can tell you what is right for you, but what has been helping me (aside from the wonderful ladies here and counseling) is a book by Mira Kirshenbaum called 'Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay'. It deals with instances like this, where you have trouble deciding.
hugs to you!
I'm so sorry to hear about your situation. As hard as it is, you know what you need to do. You need to stop with the "maybe we can get back together" because you feel bad. You already know it won't work and you are just prolonging the pain for both of you. The sooner he understands it is truly over, the sooner he can start to move on with his life.
Tell him that things are over, you are both having a hard time moving on as long as you stay in touch, and any further communication will need to be through your attorneys. I know, I know. It sounds harsh. But, in the long run, it will be the kindest thing you can do for him. You both need to get off the emotional rollercoaster. It is hell.
I'm so sorry about the loss of your babies. I can only imagine how stressful that was for a marriage that already had problems in it not to mention how heartbreaking it was for both of you as individuals.
You can both be good and wonderful people...but not right for each other. And that's okay. You both deserve to find someone you don't argue with constantly and until 5AM. That is no way to live.
I realize this situation isn't the same as yours because it was much, much less serious. But it is the closest I can come to what you are going through. I had a b/f of two years in college who was crazy super jealous. And for absolutely no reason. Even he admitted he didn't know why he was so jealous, but he just was. It eventually broke us up. I begged him for so long to just control it and stop it. That it was affecting our relationship and holding us back. But he never tried. We got in so many stupid fights because he was so controlling about what I did and where I went.
Then I finally had enough and broke up with him. He came back the next day and begged me to take him back. He promised to be different. He promised he would control his jealousy. Quite frankly, I knew it was too little too late and he would never be able to live up to his promises, but I took him back anyway and gave him a second chance. Two weeks later, I got an invitation to a sorority/fraternity mixer. At the campus cafeteria even, so no alcohol, no rager party. I told him I was going and braced myself for a fight. For a brief few seconds, his face filled with anger. Then he caught himself, tears filled his eyes, and he sadly said, "You're right. You're right. We can't be together." In that moment, I knew he finally saw what I saw. That we were both good people, who had loved each other, but just weren't right for each other.
Perfect example. Last night on his way home from work he stopped by my parents house to talk. So we're in my room and he tells me that he knows that I don't love him and he's sick of living apart and how he never wanted to separate in the first place because it would pull me apart from him even further. So he goes on to say that he thinks it's best to end our marriage and move on. So when I tell him ok I think we should end it, Dh starts getting emotional and tears starts to run down his face. At that point I was over it and I stopped talking. Once he left to go home, for the rest of the night Dh was texting me saying how he needs me and how he loves me blah blah blah.
My point is he's the one that came over and said that we should end it, but why have a change of heart when I agree. This will all be so much better if Dh would just let's go of me. I'm 32 and we got married when I was 26.I don't want to me 42 and still be in this situation.
To be fair, I actually think his reaction is totally understandable and might actually be a step in the right direction. My guess is he HAS finally come to the realization that divorce is the best option for the two of you because the relationship is over for you. But coming to that realization immediately caused a (hopefully temporary) opposite reaction. As his brain came to the conclusion that the marriage should end, his emotions immediately retaliated to act like the opposite.
Here I go playing "armchair psychologist" again
. But the fact that HE suggested the marriage should end sounds like a huge breakthrough...even if he did recant it with his actions, so to speak. He'll get there, its just going to take some time.