Family Matters
smbarrett7
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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Inlaw issues
Hi. I don't know where to turn. I have been happily married to the man of my dreams for almost 13 years. We have three beautiful sweet children. We have a wonderful loving family dynamic. The problem is my inlaws. I have done my absolute best to be accepted by them. It has been a constant struggle. I don't even feel that I can be myself.
I know it is very common to have difficulties with your added family. But this has become out of hand.
A little over a year ago, my sister inlaw made fun of my husband for eating two cookies at Easter. This was right after she walked into the house and told us our house smelled like someones a**. I burn wax tarts all the time. There was no odd smell. She simply cannot help herself when it comes to making people feel awful. She is extremely over weight, balding and very rude. She says whatever she wants to whomever she wants and everyone in the family just lies down and takes it. I assume this is because they feel bad for her because she must be extremely unhappy.
I decide that her treating my husband this way was not acceptable anymore. She treats me the same way. I had never confronted her because I didn't want to make her sad. She has told us that our parenting skills were awful, she has flat out told me that Christmas presents I have gotten her were cheesy and gross. The list goes on and on.
I wrote an email to her asking her to not speak to my husband this way again. I was quite gentle despite the fact that I wanted to rip her a new one. I even had my extremely non-confrontational husband read it before I sent it. He felt that it was tactful and gently to the point.
She absolutely lost it. She said horrible things to me. This was after I finally got her to speak to me in the phone. She concluded the conversation, demeaning us for our parenting skills, for our religious preferences and our "judgemental and pushy" additudes, by telling me to "not go and take all the medication, or "don't go killing yourself because you're not my friend". Horrible. I was absolutely hysterical. My husband seemed upset, but almost not supportive. I was in this situation with his blessing. He never spoke to her about it. She told me that my mother in law didn't liked and that the whole family thought I was crazy.
So, at Christmas time, she and my mother in law set up a secret meeting time when my oldest was with MIL, where she could give our daughter her and her siblings their presents. So... I drove them over to her house unopened and told her we didn't want them. She acted like I was completely off based. That I was being silly. She proceeded to twist everything from our previous conversation around so that I sounded like I was making it all into something bigger. She THEN told me that the only reason any of their family is nice to me at all is because they are afraid I will "play my card" and take my husband and children away from them. Because I completely control him and everyone else. My husband will absolutely not say anything to her or any of them in my defense. The last time he spoke at all about it he said "I wish you could just get passed this". What am I going to do. I am getting more bothered by this all the time. I am afraid that it is driving a wedge between my husband and I. I don't know what to do. Please help. Please don't bash me...
I know it is very common to have difficulties with your added family. But this has become out of hand.
A little over a year ago, my sister inlaw made fun of my husband for eating two cookies at Easter. This was right after she walked into the house and told us our house smelled like someones a**. I burn wax tarts all the time. There was no odd smell. She simply cannot help herself when it comes to making people feel awful. She is extremely over weight, balding and very rude. She says whatever she wants to whomever she wants and everyone in the family just lies down and takes it. I assume this is because they feel bad for her because she must be extremely unhappy.
I decide that her treating my husband this way was not acceptable anymore. She treats me the same way. I had never confronted her because I didn't want to make her sad. She has told us that our parenting skills were awful, she has flat out told me that Christmas presents I have gotten her were cheesy and gross. The list goes on and on.
I wrote an email to her asking her to not speak to my husband this way again. I was quite gentle despite the fact that I wanted to rip her a new one. I even had my extremely non-confrontational husband read it before I sent it. He felt that it was tactful and gently to the point.
She absolutely lost it. She said horrible things to me. This was after I finally got her to speak to me in the phone. She concluded the conversation, demeaning us for our parenting skills, for our religious preferences and our "judgemental and pushy" additudes, by telling me to "not go and take all the medication, or "don't go killing yourself because you're not my friend". Horrible. I was absolutely hysterical. My husband seemed upset, but almost not supportive. I was in this situation with his blessing. He never spoke to her about it. She told me that my mother in law didn't liked and that the whole family thought I was crazy.
So, at Christmas time, she and my mother in law set up a secret meeting time when my oldest was with MIL, where she could give our daughter her and her siblings their presents. So... I drove them over to her house unopened and told her we didn't want them. She acted like I was completely off based. That I was being silly. She proceeded to twist everything from our previous conversation around so that I sounded like I was making it all into something bigger. She THEN told me that the only reason any of their family is nice to me at all is because they are afraid I will "play my card" and take my husband and children away from them. Because I completely control him and everyone else. My husband will absolutely not say anything to her or any of them in my defense. The last time he spoke at all about it he said "I wish you could just get passed this". What am I going to do. I am getting more bothered by this all the time. I am afraid that it is driving a wedge between my husband and I. I don't know what to do. Please help. Please don't bash me...
Re: Inlaw issues
Um, yeah, this is more of a DH problem than an IL problem.
Why on EARTH did you feel YOU needed to tell his sister not to say those things to HIM? He's a grown man - he can handle that himself.
Honestly, I'd distance myself from them. And I would be clear w/ DH why. And I'd ask him - why is it o.k. for them to treat YOU, his wife, the mother of his children, the way they do? Why is it on YOU to get "past" it and not on them to be at least polite and civil?
I wouldn't have them in my home again either.
And before you say it- who CARES what they think about this? Really, who cares? They are assholes. Don't worry about "why' they think you're distancing yourself. You're never going to be on good terms with them.
I'm sorry you are going through this. It sounds terrible to have such a toxic person in your life, but who is a close member of your H's family.
While I don't think you should have sent the original e-mail at all, because it was your H's responsibility to stand up for himself if he chose to do that, it is a moot point now.
Based on what sounds like atrocious behavior on her part, I think you are fully within your rights to tell your H that she is no longer welcome in the home and/or that you chose to no longer go to functions she will be attending. While I wouldn't blame him for still wanting to see his sister on his own, he should stand up for you and leave if either she or your MIL bad mouths you. However, it sounds like that would not happen.
Like @VOR said, these are people who think badly of you and will never be on your side no matter how hard you try. And the harder you try, the worse it will make you feel. So cut the toxicity out of your life as much as you can.
You need to stand up for yourself; do not hesitate to tell her off and then to ban her from your home and to ignore her at any family event, if you are obligated to be there.
Your H also was obligated to tell her where to go when she started this. Where is his spine?