Newbie Advice - Am I making the right decision?

StronginSF

My husband and I have been together for 14 years and married for 6. And I think I have to leave him now. In my head I know I have to leave but my heart and conscience are having a hard time with this decision. 

I guess my question is, since he's again saying he will get treatment and wants us get back together, am I still doing the right thing by leaving? I have just heard this so many times before, he's still not able to have a calm and rationale discussion and just too much has happened and I resent him so much. It's just gut wrenching to hear someone say I love you and I know we can be great together again. I've just heard this before and I know this is only happening because I forced him to leave. 

**BACKGROUND**

We met in high school, started dating when we were16/17. We went to different colleges in the same city and then moved in together after, we were 21/22. We got married when we were about 25/26. I knew it was young but we had already been together for so long and were mostly happy. 

Now we are 30/31. Over the past 2-3 years I have developed as an individual, found success in my career, gotten closer with my family and built strong friendships with new people separate from our relationship. During this same time period, he has really struggled. Become jealous, petty, controlling and we have been fighting constantly. About a year ago he suddenly lost his job and turned into an enormous asshole. After about a month of this he got a new job but continued to be an asshole so I insisted on couples counseling. I told him we could work on it for 1 year and if it didn't get better I was out. We made real progress to the point where we were TTC in December. 

It's now been almost 1.5 years. About a year after he found the new job, he lost that one as well and everything became terrible again. This time is worse than ever and his drinking is back. He opened up to me about his alcoholism before we got married, he went to rehab and I thought things were better. But what I didn't know then is that you will always be subjected to ups and downs with an addict. For the past few months he's been seeing a therapist while we also saw a couples counselor. Things continued to get worse and then he said he was depressed and started anti-depressants about a month ago.Things were still getting worse (he was drinking and I didn't know it). Finally his family and I had an intervention and he has been living with them for the past week.

His therapists recommend a residential dual diagnosis treatment program but he would rather do intensive outpatient. At this point too much has happened, he has gotten more and more aggressive (no physical abuse but punching walls and intimidating behavior). He exhibits signs of BPD but we don't yet know if it's severe anxitety and depression only. There were a lot of red flags I ignored over the years because when things are good, they are really good. The lows are just too low and too frequent.

RevJen

I think you have your answer in your last statement. It's time to take back who you are. It's a sucky decision either way though.

joleri23

You have to do what's right for you. Be happy there aren't children involved in this! If he's not willing to follow the recommended treatment program, there's your answer: leave the relationship until he goes. I firmly believe that addicts can change but only if they put the work in.

I can also understand your conflict. You've been with this guy for half of your short life! It's terrifying to have to start over. But really think about it: would you rather hold onto what's comfortable and stay miserable or take a step and have a chance to be happy?

VOR

Look,  you can't fix him.  If you aren't happy and you want to leave, then do so.  You've been together a LONG time and from a YOUNG age - even w/o his issues, people change and often grow apart.  It happens, it's not the end of the world.

I wouldn't stay w/ him based on promises.  Realistically, this is who he is.  Go w/ what you see, not w/ what you're promised.  He could string you on for another 5, 10, 15 years. 

R.Wilsonny

OP, you are definitely doing the right thing by leaving. Think about all of the times he's relapsed and then there's your answer. He might say he wants to change, but he clearly isn't going to change, or he is doing it to appease you and keep you there. Don't waste any more of your life on this guy. Life's too short to be miserable with an alcoholic. 

StronginSF

Thanks for the feedback. He's still hung up on moving back in while he goes does an intensive outpatient program but I am waiting to see what his new psychiatrist will say on Friday. I am really hoping he says he needs a structured inpatient program. Trying to get him to just focus on getting through that. 

It's so hard to see someone that had so much potential and every opportunity and support throw it all away because they refused to get mental health treatment years ago when I started noticing symptoms. The whole situation is heartbreaking but I know I can't keep myself in this situation. 

sapphire68

Sounds like maybe you have found another man already? I don't know. I read between the lines. I am 46 years old so I've been around the block a few times. Either way, if you want out then get out. No sense in wasting anymore time. My first love I met at age 15 and we dated 11 years. I shutter to think had I married that man, ew. No way. Good luck to you!

groovylocks

Never stay in a relationship with an active addict. Use an intervention-style ultimatum. If they refuse long-term treatment (which it sounds like he needs) then tell him that things will have to change. And look, that may not mean a divorce. It may mean a separation period. That's up to you. 

I'm all for standing by your sick or suffering spouse but not if they're not doing anything to stop being sick or stop suffering. At that point, you're a hostage. It's not fair to you.