Married Life
kr0403
member
Dear Community,
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
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Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Struggling
in Married Life
My H and I are 26 and we have been married almost 6 years. In the beginning of the marriage he found a part time job and I was looking and could not really find anything. Then about a year and half into the marriage he began a full time job and I did some temp jobs and some part time work as well. In the last 3 years or so I will not lie I have had not the greatest track record with jobs, in a year I think I ended up working at 4 different places. Either the fit wasnt right, or the working conditions were not right, whatever the reason(s) I did not stay in a job for long. I have however been working in the same job the past 2 years. My H has been in the same full time job for the last 5 years.
that being said, I bring up children with my H and he always throws up barriers to them. He says he wants them and I believe he does, but there is always a reason to wait, finances, jobs, family problems, whatever. When I try and find ways to fix the financial problems he listens to what I have to say, for example, I found a job listing doing exactly what he is doing now, just with a different place and it paid double what he is making now. He seemed excited about it and applied, however we never heard anything back from them. Now, I tell him I am going to apply a few places to try and get more stable financially and he throws in my face that he has kept his job for 5 years and I have been the one jumping from place to place...and continuing on from there. this is not the first time he has done this. He has brought this up before and when we talked about it he apologized and we moved on.
I just dont know how to keep reliving this for the rest of my life. I feel so inadequate and small when he does that. I feel like a failure. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
that being said, I bring up children with my H and he always throws up barriers to them. He says he wants them and I believe he does, but there is always a reason to wait, finances, jobs, family problems, whatever. When I try and find ways to fix the financial problems he listens to what I have to say, for example, I found a job listing doing exactly what he is doing now, just with a different place and it paid double what he is making now. He seemed excited about it and applied, however we never heard anything back from them. Now, I tell him I am going to apply a few places to try and get more stable financially and he throws in my face that he has kept his job for 5 years and I have been the one jumping from place to place...and continuing on from there. this is not the first time he has done this. He has brought this up before and when we talked about it he apologized and we moved on.
I just dont know how to keep reliving this for the rest of my life. I feel so inadequate and small when he does that. I feel like a failure. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
Re: Struggling
It sounds to me like something else is bothering your husband. I'd suggest trying to find out what that is without bringing up the baby subject. Maybe he feels trapped at his job? Maybe even though you feel like things are stable, he still doesn't? It doesn't excuse his reaction, however, when people are frustrated and feel pressed, they sometimes blow up and unfortunately hurt those around them.
In the meantime, until you get this resolved, don't conceive a child. It'll just make things worse.
I would tackle this logically. Put together your current budget (incomes and bills). Then, put together the "baby" budget, which should include whatever extra expenses you will have with a baby, ie extra medical insurance/copays, childcare, diapers, food, clothes, etc.
Hopefully there will still be a large surplus (more income than expenses). That is something black and white you can show to your H. Then have him make a "checklist" of what he needs in place to TTC. Maybe it is a particular $ value in the emergency fund/savings, reducing debt, and/or increasing income levels.
Then formulate a plan to reach whatever those goals are. And I'm not saying you have to take his goals at point blank. If something seems unreasonable, discuss, but you both need to agree on the checklist.
I agree, it's really crappy he keeps throwing your previous "job hopping" in your face. My guess is that is his way of redirecting a conversation he doesn't want to have and making you the "bad guy" at the same time. In this day and age, two years is a respectable amount of time to be working for the same company.
To be fair, I can a bit understand his point of view as far as looking for another job. I'm not saying he shouldn't be open to looking if he is being currently way underpaid. But, at the same time, if he is happy and comfortable where he is working, that says a lot. The older I have gotten, the more I have valued my work environment...because I have worked in some HORRIBLE situations! I would much rather work a job I liked and I was comfortable than take a job, even paying a higher salary, that was an unknown.
Quite frankly, I've been tempted a few times to go look for greener pastures because my salary is on the low side at my job. But I like the company, I like the job, and I like the people I work with. And THAT is what keeps me from sending my resume out. Those are qualities you (general you) really don't appreciate until you have worked somewhere that was missing them.
As for maternity leave...I'm adding to what @dutchgirl76 said and assuming you are in the U.S...although your employer is required by FMLA to give you 6? 8? (I forget the number) weeks of maternity leave, NONE of it needs to be paid. However, if you have short term disability insurance, that will cover some of your salary (usually 60%) for that time frame.
Assuming you have a healthy pregnancy, you may not need to even take 6-8 weeks. But the opposite can happen also, maybe there is a complication, and you need to be on bed rest for the last 3 months. At any rate, your H might be thinking of those worst case scenarios and wants to be prepared first. And, hey!, its great to have an emergency fund that is NOT needed because everything goes perfectly, than to need one and not have one.