Is my marriage dysfunctional if my husband doesn't know how to earn?

Soltei

I am married to a person, who does not have a paid job. We are married for 5 years and it never changed, except for his very few freelance activities.  The only income he has is rent from his flat in Russia, but due to the crisis it stopped coming. Recently I gave him a freelance job as a designer in the company I work for, even though he did not have enough qualification to perform. The job is fairly easy. Take ready photos and put them into a collage that would describe a particular service.

I know it was a bad thing to do, but we desperately needed income to make ends meet.

Sadly instead of gratitude or my risk, I have come across a lot of whining on his part. How the pay was unfair and how much time it took him to do this work. Also it took multiple times for the collages to be accepted. Nobody liked them from the first glance and people kept suggesting changes to the work done. However my husband is sure that the job he is doing is not only acceptable, but good.

He has come up with a multiple ideas for changing his remuneration and our decision making process, so that his life becomes easier. He even tried to write letters suggesting my boss how he should organize the whole process. He thinks that his suggestions are clever and worth spending my bosses time on.

Receiving the last proposition letter from him made me desperate. I don’t like my job too, I struggle every day to make ends meet. I try very hard to be useful and do my best. I understand that the working process is not aiming to make my life easy,  it is designed to an end other than worker satisfaction.

So why instead of doing his part he wastes everybody’s time trying to make changes beneficial for him? Why the person that I support financially with my hard work thinks that the corporate world would change after his letters and propositions to increase his comfort? Why is he calling me whiny and scared for refusing to pass his letters to my boss, when I am the one out there struggling to make our ends meet? I really don’t know what to do. I am afraid that this person will never be able to function like an adult.

joleri23

I'm not trying to be harsh, just honest: you married this guy knowing he didn't want to work for a living. What made you think he was going to change and become responsible and agreeable? A tiger doesn't change its stripes. Either put up with his laziness or move on.

short+sassy

Like @joleri23, I am curious as to what is his reason for not working.  And wasn't this a red flag for you when you all got married?  Either way, obviously things have changed...you can even point specifically at the rental income he is no longer bringing to the table and how much the two of you are struggling financially.

While I'm sure it has been lovely for him to pick up the occasional freelance gig while you have been bringing home the bacon, now things have changed and he needs to get with the program and get a job...any job.  Unfortunately, he may not be willing to and then you will be faced with a difficult decision. 

As for him wanting you to pass along his crazy letters, just be honest and tell him you are not comfortable passing them along...you don't want him to send the letters either...because they could negatively affect your job.  Correct me if I'm wrong, but it sounds like his letters don't have much to do with the work he is doing anyway.  No one wants to hear from an "independent contractor" what their organization is doing wrong.

Sounds like he has been out of the workforce too long to have any clue as to how things really are.  Ugh, reminds me of a friend I have who has been on disability for 20 years...has talked about going back to work for the last 10...but is seriously delusional in what she can expect for a salary and even the jobs she would be qualified for.

On the work front, I had a similar issue years ago.  My b/f at the time was just starting out as a graphic designer.  I made the mistake of telling him my boss was looking to put together a logo and some other stuff like that.  He asked me to put in a good word for him.  So I did.  Once.  It was obvious my boss was uncomfortable with the idea and I dropped it.  My b/f actually badgered me and got mad that I didn't "support his career" and "get him the job".

Disneygeek77

Hmmm, delusions of grandeur and expecting everyone to bend to his needs ?  Sorry honey, but it sounds like you married a narcissist.

I don't really have any advice as narcissists very, very rarely improve so you either need to accept that this is the person you willingly chose to marry or move on.

TarponMonoxide

Soltei said:

I am married to a person, who does not have a paid job. We are married for 5 years and it never changed, except for his very few freelance activities. 

I'm gonna give it to you straight:

No way you should have married a guy who was not gainfully employed.

No full time job and didn't have one for a good stretch of time without a good excuse?

You needed to say goodbye and find a guy who had a full time permanent job and a good employment record.

If you were thinking, "John will get a job after we're married; he knows he can't be out of work for good" no chance of that. What you see is what you get -- and a guy is what he is right now.

You should have said goodbye to him when you found out his track record for employment was pretty stinko and usually you find out during the dating stages. 

The only income he has is rent from his flat in Russia, but due to the crisis it stopped coming.

This is not an income.

Recently I gave him a freelance job as a designer in the company I work for, even though he did not have enough qualification to perform.

So you're his employment agency also in addition to being a wife to a middle schooler? Great.

The job is fairly easy. Take ready photos and put them into a collage that would describe a particular service.

I know it was a bad thing to do, but we desperately needed income to make ends meet.

What is he by trade? Does he have a college background?

Surely there is something he can do for a living.

Sadly instead of gratitude or my risk, I have come across a lot of whining on his part. How the pay was unfair and how much time it took him to do this work. Also it took multiple times for the collages to be accepted. Nobody liked them from the first glance and people kept suggesting changes to the work done. However my husband is sure that the job he is doing is not only acceptable, but good.

He is not cut out for this type of employment.

He needs to find another source of employment, on his own, even if he is waiting table or bartending or delivering pizza.

He has come up with a multiple ideas for changing his remuneration and our decision making process, so that his life becomes easier. He even tried to write letters suggesting my boss how he should organize the whole process. He thinks that his suggestions are clever and worth spending my bosses time on.

Receiving the last proposition letter from him made me desperate. I don’t like my job too, I struggle every day to make ends meet. I try very hard to be useful and do my best. I understand that the working process is not aiming to make my life easy,  it is designed to an end other than worker satisfaction.

So why instead of doing his part he wastes everybody’s time trying to make changes beneficial for him?

Your larger issue is this:

Why the person that I support financially with my hard work thinks that the corporate world would change after his letters and propositions to increase his comfort?

Why is he calling me whiny and scared for refusing to pass his letters to my boss, when I am the one out there struggling to make our ends meet? I really don’t know what to do.

I am afraid that this person will never be able to function like an adult.

That is your issue.

You should NOT be supporting this guy. If he was legimately out of work due to a layoff or a closure in business or the market changed and now he is left without a job "by trade" while he finds something else to bring home the bacon: that's a whole other story altogether.

Your problem is that you are not only supporting him, you are enabling him. Not a healthy marital relationship: you should not be supporting him and yourself and you should not be looking for jobs for him and he should not be addressing you like you are some little nobody.

Where did you find this gem? I am curious.

What to do:

Tomorrow, you sit down with him and you tell him to start looking for a full time job. He needs to comb the "help wanted ads" go door to door and ask if companies are hiring and head on down to the local restaurants, stores and etcetera and try to seek employment there.

There are warehouses, also -- let him apply for a job at a warehouse.

Go to a temp agency; they will hook him up with something. Perhaps not a big time gig or something paying devestatingly well but nonetheless: it is money and an income.

He cannot sit on his ass. And he cannot live off you. That is not a man, a guy who lives off his wife.

And he is NOT to talk to you like you're his mother and you just told him to clean his room. Nor are you a wayward child.

End this shit once and for all. Next time he starts that, tell him you'll show him the door; you'd benefit by it. One less mouth to feed.

I would give him a deadline to start looking -- that's tomorrow -- and tell him if you see him backsliding or sitting there doing nothing, you will show him the door and have this sham of a marriage dissolved.

I'm serious.

I do not guarantee he will find a job quickly -- the job market is still horrid and there are many people still out of work and very long term out of work --- more than a year! (yes, even those with advanced degrees and many years of experience are looking for a job -- I have a friend who works for the state dept of labor and her offices are full of long term unemployed people) and there are more people relying upon general assistance and foodstamps than ever -- and it is nice middle class people.

Do not tarry on this.

You are supposed to be married and equals -- you are married and you are not equals. There is already an inherant flaw in this legal arrangment you are calling "a marriage."  This marriage is already over, based on that.

Don't find him any more jobs. This is HIS ballgame from here on in. You are not his headhunter, mother nor are you his employment agency. This is his lookout and this is HIS job to look for employment, not yours. .

PS: I do not know how long you have been married but if you are still relatively newlywed, you may even be able to ask for an annulment versus a divorce. THis is fraud on his part: he hasn't done a thing to seek employment.

What did you and he discuss when you were going to be married?

I can see you did not discuss money and how it will be spent and you and he sure did not address his unemployment issue. wow -- you cannot enter into a marriage with odds like these.

Erikan73

So what expenses of his can you cut until he starts contributing? If you have cable,time to downgrade your package or eliminate it. Cells phones, he would have a hard time potentially finding a job without one, but can you downgrade him from a smart phone to a regular phone? You can just cut off the data package and block him from having internet access without actually changing the phone. Does he get "mad money" time to cut that down. Does he like to drink any type of alcohol? If so, stop buying it and say, well it was your xxx or dinner for however many nights it would have covered. Then tell him that once he starts to contribute to your household financially, even with a regular part time job, things will continue on that way.

If he wants to act like a child & not work, then he gets treated like a child and loose priviledges for not doing what he is suppose to do.