Am I over reacting?

jackannlu

So I caught H in a flat out lie last night. He had to stay late at work to do a big job that had to be done after hours. Well our coworker mentioned in passing what time they left (12:30am) and H didn't get home until 3 AM (I know this because the home alarm woke me up and I looked at my phone). When I asked him this afternoon, he said they didn't leave at 12:30, they left around 1:30, close to 2, and that he stayed downstairs drinking a beer when he got home. Then 10 mins later he comes to me and says that he went to his friends house after to drink some beers, but didn't want to tell me because he thought I might be upset. Lately he's been finding any excuse to drink, so I have been on him to take it down a notch because he can over do it quickly, so the excuse fits but still. 

The actual lie itself doesn't really bother me, he ended up telling me the truth anyways. But what really drives me crazy is that If our coworker hadn't mentioned the time to me, H would not have told me anything. We spoke several times this morning and he had opportunities, but he chose not to, which makes the whole thing worse. H said he was sorry and that he would be honest with me in the future. But its still driving me crazy and my mind is imaging all sorts of different situations. 

Am I overreacting? 

joleri23

You might be overreacting a tiny bit, but it sucks being lied to and my mind would be doing cartwheels just like yours is. I encourage you to do anything you can do right now to distract yourself and forget about it. If he lies again, well then you have just cause to flip out. Just do your best to give him a chance right now.

Or, if you really can't get over it, you could try addressing it with him again and telling him how you're having a hard time forgetting about it. I've done that with my DH and the additional conversations helped a lot.

chrisnjay05212010

joleri23 said:

You might be overreacting a tiny bit, but it sucks being lied to and my mind would be doing cartwheels just like yours is. I encourage you to do anything you can do right now to distract yourself and forget about it. If he lies again, well then you have just cause to flip out. Just do your best to give him a chance right now.

Or, if you really can't get over it, you could try addressing it with him again and telling him how you're having a hard time forgetting about it. I've done that with my DH and the additional conversations helped a lot.

this exactly!!!  I'm sorry, ive been in that spot before and its so hard sometimes to just drop it. 

TarponMonoxide

jackannlu said:

So I caught H in a flat out lie last night. He had to stay late at work to do a big job that had to be done after hours. Well our coworker mentioned in passing what time they left (12:30am) and H didn't get home until 3 AM (I know this because the home alarm woke me up and I looked at my phone). When I asked him this afternoon, he said they didn't leave at 12:30, they left around 1:30, close to 2, and that he stayed downstairs drinking a beer when he got home. Then 10 mins later he comes to me and says that he went to his friends house after to drink some beers, but didn't want to tell me because he thought I might be upset. Lately he's been finding any excuse to drink, so I have been on him to take it down a notch because he can over do it quickly, so the excuse fits but still. 

The actual lie itself doesn't really bother me, he ended up telling me the truth anyways. But what really drives me crazy is that If our coworker hadn't mentioned the time to me, H would not have told me anything. We spoke several times this morning and he had opportunities, but he chose not to, which makes the whole thing worse. H said he was sorry and that he would be honest with me in the future. But its still driving me crazy and my mind is imaging all sorts of different situations. 

Am I overreacting?


Something is whacky here.

No decent person stays out that late --- and if you are concerned with his drinking, this is already not so good for you or your marriage or for him.

I will also bet that he was with another person -- he's up to some kind of hanky panky and there is another somebody already in the picture.

That's my bet. I don't know if I am spot on but you'd be wise to monitor this whole mess diligently and effectively.

Is he "really" drinking?

He may only be using that as a cover to "justifly" where he was.

If you have seen his drinking habits lately and  you are concerned about his drinking, that's one thing. It's going to have to be up to him to modify his alcohol intake. And if he refuses...very bad news. You've got the makings of a problem drinker on your hands.

You cannot force him or beg him or cajole or bargain to get him to stop drinking. Only he can do it and for himself. Not because you say so. Any AA sponsor will tell you the same thing.

If you are that concerned about his drinking, stop into the local AA chapter and discuss what's happening with somebody there who is an AA sponsor. See what he or she says. This is anonymous; they will not ask for your name.

If it turns out he's drinking too much and/or he's having an affair: Run like hell.

Do not tolerate a drunk. You, your finances, your self esteem and your marriage will be blown right down the shitter.

You do not need marriage to a drunk --- he will kill your self esteem, your marriage and your joint finances --- and you do not need an adulterer. Both of these are dealbreakers. GL.

MommyLiberty5013

Hiding behaviors can be a sign of addiction.

TarponMonoxide

MommyLiberty5013 said:

Hiding behaviors can be a sign of addiction.

Something sure is amiss here.

And who wants to walk on eggs around a liar? I don't think the OP does.

GilliC

I think it's more important to talk to him and find out why he lied. Is his drinking something that the two of you argue about?

I used to lie to my XH about how much time I spent on The Nest or how late I stayed up reading after he went to bed. Of course neither of those is something that I needed to hide from him, and I wasn't up to anything suspicious. However, I realized after the fact that it was a huge red flag in so many ways. Aside from pointing out that he was a little too controlling and judgmental, it was also a sign that we couldn't disagree amicably, and I would rather lie to him than risk a fight over something trivial.

Having the immediate reaction to lie to your spouse is pretty much never a good sign.

jackannlu

GilliC said:

I think it's more important to talk to him and find out why he lied. Is his drinking something that the two of you argue about?

I used to lie to my XH about how much time I spent on The Nest or how late I stayed up reading after he went to bed. Of course neither of those is something that I needed to hide from him, and I wasn't up to anything suspicious. However, I realized after the fact that it was a huge red flag in so many ways. Aside from pointing out that he was a little too controlling and judgmental, it was also a sign that we couldn't disagree amicably, and I would rather lie to him than risk a fight over something trivial.

Having the immediate reaction to lie to your spouse is pretty much never a good sign.

I wouldn't say argue, but it has been a topic of discussion recently. When there is a party or a special occasion, I'm all for it and understand it. And I drink too during those times, but its the random Tuesday evenings that I don't understand. And those random nights have been occurring more often as of late. He said he lied because he didn't want to tell me he was going to drink at 12:30am because he knew I wouldn't like it. 

GilliC

jackannlu said:

GilliC said:

I think it's more important to talk to him and find out why he lied. Is his drinking something that the two of you argue about?

I used to lie to my XH about how much time I spent on The Nest or how late I stayed up reading after he went to bed. Of course neither of those is something that I needed to hide from him, and I wasn't up to anything suspicious. However, I realized after the fact that it was a huge red flag in so many ways. Aside from pointing out that he was a little too controlling and judgmental, it was also a sign that we couldn't disagree amicably, and I would rather lie to him than risk a fight over something trivial.

Having the immediate reaction to lie to your spouse is pretty much never a good sign.

I wouldn't say argue, but it has been a topic of discussion recently. When there is a party or a special occasion, I'm all for it and understand it. And I drink too during those times, but its the random Tuesday evenings that I don't understand. And those random nights have been occurring more often as of late. He said he lied because he didn't want to tell me he was going to drink at 12:30am because he knew I wouldn't like it. 

There's a big difference between you not liking it, and him instinctively lying about it. I think this is a subject you two really need to sit down and discuss.

It sounds like you need to come up with a workable compromise. I have definitely been one to let a weeknight get late when the conversation got carried away. If it happens often enough to become a problem, or if he shirks some major obligation the next morning because of it, then I think it's grounds to be upset, but if it's just a one-off late night that doesn't happen so often, I personally think it's worth cutting some slack so that he's more comfortable being honest. However, that's for your two to decide. Just remember that sometimes people make mistakes or let time get away from them. Not to excuse him, but by the way you've described things, it doesn't sound like this kind of occasional late night is something that you're willing to strain your marriage over.

jtmh2012

To me it comes off not that he has a drinking problem, but that he drinks more than you do and because you can't see yourself doing that it isn't normal and nobody else should be.  Then because your husband just doesn't want to deal with the ensuing discussion he decided it was better to just avoid it by not telling you about it.