Newlywed Sex Blues/Need Ideas

FirebrandInTheAlley

Hi everybody!  I'm going to try and make this as quick and painless as possible.

My hubby and I have been married nearly a whopping 3 whole months.  We were one of those couples that for religious reasons (oh, who am I kidding, we just didn't want to get knocked up) abstained from having sex until we were married.  Didn't dabble in it.  Neither one of us had a previous relationships (we were one of those first date/first kiss/first love kind of things), and so we have relatively no sexual experience.  

However, our sex life is a little slow for a myriad of reasons.  He works nights, I work days.  Our off days are almost never the same.  We won't have our honeymoon until our one year anniversary, so any practice from that is out of the question.  We haven't gotten a "quickie" mastered yet, and I'm very sluggish if tired, so he doesn't want to initiate anything.  He's the same way.  So, basically sex occurs when we are both off (or have a hour or two of over lap time).

I can say though, that even though I'm not sure what good or even great sex is like, my hubby has gotten pretty good.  He always puts me first in the bedroom, and makes it his mission to make sure I climax at least twice before he does.  He is not the problem.  What the real issue is, is that even though he has a very incredible sex drive, we both admit that mine passes his.  He does what he can, but like I said, our time is limited.

I do not enjoy masturbation by myself.  I don't really get turned on at all, and it just becomes very boring very quickly.  I'm not comfortable using any toys (yet), and am now at a loss.  Any help or ideas?

TarponMonoxide

FirebrandInTheAlley said:

Hi everybody!  I'm going to try and make this as quick and painless as possible.

My hubby and I have been married nearly a whopping 3 whole months.  We were one of those couples that for religious reasons (oh, who am I kidding, we just didn't want to get knocked up) abstained from having sex until we were married.  Didn't dabble in it.  Neither one of us had a previous relationships (we were one of those first date/first kiss/first love kind of things), and so we have relatively no sexual experience.  

However, our sex life is a little slow for a myriad of reasons.  He works nights, I work days.  Our off days are almost never the same.  We won't have our honeymoon until our one year anniversary, so any practice from that is out of the question.  We haven't gotten a "quickie" mastered yet, and I'm very sluggish if tired, so he doesn't want to initiate anything.  He's the same way.  So, basically sex occurs when we are both off (or have a hour or two of over lap time).

I can say though, that even though I'm not sure what good or even great sex is like, my hubby has gotten pretty good.  He always puts me first in the bedroom, and makes it his mission to make sure I climax at least twice before he does.  He is not the problem.  What the real issue is, is that even though he has a very incredible sex drive, we both admit that mine passes his.  He does what he can, but like I said, our time is limited.

I do not enjoy masturbation by myself.  I don't really get turned on at all, and it just becomes very boring very quickly.  I'm not comfortable using any toys (yet), and am now at a loss.  Any help or ideas?

You probably aren't pushing the right buttons,  so to speak, if you are not getting off by masturbating...

Which leads to part of your problem:

You do not know what feels good or what an orgasm feels like.

You don't know --- if you haven't gottten off by masturbating, you haven't gotten off via intercourse. I don't know what kind of "climaxes" you are having but it doesn't sound like the orgasm you get if you're touched and stimulated the right way. This is why I am telling you to rediscover masturbating.:)   

And if you find masturbating  boring...you arent' supposed to...you definitely are not pushing the right buttons.:)

What I suggest:

Check out a book called "Sex for One" -- a lady by the name of Betty Dobson wrote it. They call her the "mother of masturbation."

Quit masturbating the 'old way" and as of now, try "the new way."

take your time --- check out the book -- and rediscover your body and masturbation. Take your time --- find out what feels good and what touches you like. You cannot go wrong with that.

Then show him what you like.

Since you are on 2 different shifts, you are going to not only have to make time to spend with each other but you're also going to have to more or less reserve that time for sex.

Start by taking showers together --- and you set up a nice warm bath for 2, complete with wine, cheese, music and candlelight. The both of you indulge...and then let mother nature take it from there.;)

Same goes for showering together.

It's important to know what feels good.

Make sure you discuss all of this with him -- it is important to keep all lines of communication open.

You might also want to check out sex manuals written specifically for committed couples; look on line in a mainstream bookseller's website, like Amazon --- or go to your local mainstream bookstore and check them out over there.

Also a must for you to know what turns you on:

He has to go down on you.

And vice versa.

That is a sure fire way for you to get off: if he goes down on you. If he is sqeamish, do so after the 2 of your have showered up and you're both squeaky clean.
   

FirebrandInTheAlley

I came from a family where anything sexual was bad and sinful.  I did not start exploring myself until after we got engaged, and it was alright.  I don't mean to get a little graphic, but this is the frustrating part.  I am a weird person in the fact that I don't like touching myself, but I really like people touching me.  When I'm, for lack of better word at the moment, horny, I do try to masterbate.  It does feel good at first, especially with my clit.  When I first started masterbating, I got off a couple times by myself, but was still living with my parents, and pretty much stopped.  After getting married though, I enjoyed masterbating when my husband was present.  When he's not there, I get a couple minutes in, hit a peak, and then just don't.  When he's there though, everything works fine.  I get "wet", get off, and feel very satisfied afterwards.  If he turns me on before he goes to work though, I can also orgasm pretty easily.  I just don't like it by myself, and I think it's because I never got to explore my sexuality until I was married.

We love showers/baths together!  It can either be relaxing or a great turn on- either is great for intimacy.

I can, without a shadow of a doubt, say that oral sex is amazing.  He is very good at it, and I've finally gotten my own techniques down in gear.  If there is one way that I will orgasm quickly, it is through that.

Thank you for the time that you put into your reply!  I will definitely check some books out.

BlueBirdMB

I think there are a couple of issues happening here.

1. I'm not convinced you are actually climaxing.  When I first became sexually active, I spent the first year thinking that I was actually climaxing, but I wasn't.  Once I realized how to climax, masturbating and sex became a lot more enjoyable and I wanted to do both more often. I also came to realize that sex was good when both of us climaxed and that's pretty much all there is to it.  You seem rather uncertain about sex and don't seem to enjoy it.  Maybe I'm wrong.

2. People who are raised to believe that sex is sinful often have a difficult time overcoming this and becoming comfortable with their sexuality.  To fully enjoy sex you will need to embrace your sexuality.  Sex with my husband became amazing when I realized I felt comfortable enough to completely be free with myself.  Sex is not bad and it is not sinful.  Say that on repeat

3. Schedule sex.  It may seem silly because you are newlyweds, but if you are living such opposite schedules, you need to schedule.  If you are tired at your sex date, do it anyway.  Sometimes just forcing yourself to get into it is good and you end up having a good time.  Stick with your sex dates.

lifeguard

Lower and more realistic expectations would help. There is much to explore and learn it takes time. It's only been three months. Any sport takes practice.

aboxofchocolates

Everyone is making great points here.  I for one am not a big supporter of the idea that newlyweds need to have sex all the time.  If you both want to and enjoy it, great go at it all you want.  But I feel most married couples are busy and will sometimes need to schedule it or promise each other to make it more of a priority and there is nothing wrong with it.  Also even if he is the only person you have ever had sex with: you still should be able to say if you have had great sex. And I am speaking from experience of only ever having had sex with my husband.  And I definitely know when we have good or great sex.