Sex & Romance
JMBT8
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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
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Hate Sex
I'm hoping that I can get some help/advice from people who have maybe been in a similar situation. Some background:
My husband and I have been married for four and a half years. We both waited for the wedding night for religious reasons and have never had any other partners. Growing up, sex was not something that was a big deal in my household. My mother worked evenings in a hospital and they slept in separate rooms because of different schedules and sleep apnea. They weren't a touchy feely couple. They let me choose my religion as a kid, and I had to beg my dad for a purity ring because he didn't want me to make a commitment I would regret. So it's not like I was brought up in a house where sex was badmouthed or looked down upon, it was just a non-issue.
In the time we've been married, I have NEVER liked sex. It is no longer painful, but it is still difficult. It causes a lot of anxiety for me and God bless my husband, we sometims go 3-4 months without. It makes me feel incredibly guilty. I don't know who to talk to about it or where to turn. Doing some research, I woder about vaginismus, but am not sure what kind of doctor to see. My primary? An OBGYN? I admit I have some major body/sex hang ups and the thought of discussing this with my regular doctor who I see for other things is slightly terrifying. I want to be a good wife. I want to enjoy something that obviously most people find enjooyable, but I don't know where to turn. Even being able to admit this here has been a huge step and this was incredibly difficult to write. I'm just hoping somebody with a similar experience can share what worked for them. I don't know if the problem is mental (probably), phyical, or a bit of both.
Re: Hate Sex
You and your partner need to COMMUNICATE.
You and he need to sit down in a setting outside of the bedroom and discuss your sex life.
You need to be open and so does he.
Have you done lots of foreplay, gone slowly and used lots of lube? If you haven't, I suggest yo do so.
I also suggest you start masturbatijng, by yourself at first.
Do it alone --- it is not "dirty" or a "Sin" --- find out what touches turn you on. THen show him.
I also suggest that he go down on you. It's a sure fire way to orgasm.
Check out sex manuals for couples and see a gyn you like --- explain your problem -- try one that is affiliated with a teaching hospital -- and see what remedies he or she can suggest. You may still even have an intact hymen -- it happens -- can be surgically removed in a simple operation.
You might consider looking into another religion where the clergypersons are more broadminded and live in the 21st century. I can't see how you are comfortable with one of "those" religions that control women and more or less make somebody feel guilty when it comes to sexual pleasue with a spouse. GL.
TTC since September 2012
"You might consider looking into another religion where the clergypersons are more broadminded and live in the 21st century. I can't see how you are comfortable with one of "those" religions that control women and more or less make somebody feel guilty when it comes to sexual pleasue with a spouse. GL."
TTC since September 2012
Those religions see everything as a sin. THAT is what is judgmental.
Purity rings?
That is downright skeevy and creepy. And so are those purity father daughter dances. They've GOT to move into the 21st century. There is much more to a person than what is or is not between his or her legs. What you get when sexually primitive cultures are running the show.
Now how to get there form here ???
A medical exam as many sex problems are physical or hormonal.Not something that you are doing or not doing.
We all feel better and look better if we exercise. Consumption of junk food should be an occasional treat instead of being a main staple.
A lot of couples think for some reason that if they hold out for marriage that they will collect "interest" and sex after marriage will be extra good and makeup for abstinence. Ain't so.
Now I am the first person to promote abstinence if not for the simple reason that STD's would be history. Single Moms would be fewer. Heart ache and heart break from failed relationships is much less severe in non sexual relationships.
Some folk claim that just going through the motions and from habit that they can actually learn to enjoy sex. I did not used to thrilled about giving BJ's and receiving oral but now it's big time fun thrilling each other.
Could try just shaving smooth a small area bare around the vaginal entrance and using lube to avoid injury and pain. Then have hubby gently make a habit of daily sex for 3 out of 4 weeks a month.
I used to like sex. A lot. But now I find it slightly disgusting. I'm just getting older and find the whole thing rather pointless and tiresome. I have orgasms, no problem there and they're fine and all that, but I'd just rather go to sleep! LOL! And oral sex is just flat out gross to me. I'd rather give a BJ, though, than endure that mouth on my nether region ... shudder. I don't care how good it feels, the thought of it just makes me want to gag. :-&
BUT I put myself through whatever for the trade off. He's a wonderful man, so caring, such a great provider, the best dad ever, hardworking around the house, never gives me a moment's concern about cheating on me. I love him to pieces. We're a team. And as bad as it sounds, I gladly take one for the team at least two or three times a week. I can't imagine making him go 3 to 4 months without sex when it is so important to him. He meets all of my needs in every other area, I can certainly meet his in the sack. You (OP) should probably just suck it up and do what you need to do to make your husband happy, especially if the act is not causing you any "pain." Pretend you like it until you do is my advice to you. But at this point after going months on end without it, it will look suspicious if you all of a sudden get on a weekly schedule. If you don't want to go to a sex therapist, if you're too uncomfortable and embarrassed to have a frank discussion with your husband, but you love him and want to stay married, well, it may sound a bit old-fashioned, but maybe "fake it 'til you make it" is the road to choose.
You may never like it, but it is a big part of marriage for most men. I'm just telling you that even if you don't necessarily enjoy it yourself, it may be that you get emotional enjoyment out of pleasing the man you love. For me, the physical pleasure of it is the least important thing. I do it to make my husband happy and it doesn't hurt me to do that for the man that loves me and that I love.
That "purity" ring thing sounds more than a bit old-fashioned to me, so this may be right down your alley.
Good luck!