Idk my husband anymore

NovaLova

My husband manages a restaurant and works 6 days (sometimes 7) a week from 9am-11pm sometimes midnight. this restaurant was were we met, and when we married I was under the impression that my husband was working towards not working so much. I have since left the restaurant and (worked an office job for a year) and started grad school. I'm asleep when he comes home, and he's sleeping when I leave for school. Basically, since leaving the restaurant I have barely seen my husband. He seems to no have a problem with this\ working so much. Lately I find myself envious of my friends and classmates who get to spend quality time with their spouses, eat dinner together, date. I feel like we never get to catch each other up on our days. I'm thankful for him for working to support us and me during grad school. I just feel lonely. Idk maybe I'm being a diva. Just needed to vent. Thanks

Disneygeek77

I would be lonely too.

I mean I would suck it up if I knew it was only temporary, but if it was like this in the long term, I couldn't see myself staying in the marriage.  That wouldn't make him the bad guy and it also wouldn't make me the bad guy, it would just mean we want different things in life.  

meegant

My husband is a chef and we just moved to be a part of opening a new place and are experiencing the same thing. We uprooted our lives and now are living in a new city with no friends. I work in theatre and bounce from job to job so meeting friends through work is pretty difficult. I am finding myself not only jealous of friends and family who have "date nights" but of the staff that he works with. That there are people out there that get to spend 16 hours with him a day, and I only get the shell of an exhausted person at midnight. I'm becoming someone I hate, bitter and resentful, but most of all so lonely...I hear your need to vent and I don't think you are a diva. DH keeps saying it's for a better life for us, and that he's doing it to support us, but it just seems like there is so much being sacrificed. I feel like a bitch every day for being upset at the hours he keeps. I am a nag and a crazy jealous wife...

I keep telling myself it will get better and that it's just until things settle down, but I can feel myself sinking into a funk that I can't shake. Your not alone, this restaurant biz is a MFer.

magsugar13

I was married to a man who was a chef. We were married for 13 years and had 3 kids. When we met and married he only worked 4-12 after he became partners it was more like 2-1 thats when things fell apart. I was a single mom and wife  who did all socializing alone. He never made parent teacher conferences, drs appts, baseball games, parties, weddings, etc...

I tried for a few years and then left. It is a horrible way to spend a marriage.

DDancingDiva

I've been married 10 years - DH and I met in the restaurant industry and he is still in.  

Have you told him how you are feeling?  Expressing this will help you not feel so abandoned, but also, find a hobby and start spending time with friends and begin doing things for YOU!  This way you won't feel abandoned.  Do you at least have a day off together each week?  I know it's not much, but make the most out of that day!  

NovaLova

Thanks ya'll.  I'm in grad school and have friends, which is also why it's bumming me out.  Trying to schedule time with my husband is SOOO hard b/c I have so little time but i also never know when or if he will be off. For example, I need to schedule time to work on a final assignment with my classmates tomorrow or tuesday (an hour away from home, at my school), but my husband doesn't know if his ONE day a week off will be tomorrow night, tuesday, or if he will even get a day off this week.  It's just extremely frustrating, b/c my life doesn't work on a restaurant schedule any more.  I'm also irritated b/c i wonder if he were a bit more assertive if he would know his schedule in advance instead of the day of. I can't help but think (especially b/c I used to also work for his boss), that the company is taking advantage of him.   

I've talked to him about it, and it just makes him feel guilty, he gets defensive and it doesn't change anything. I've already told him I'm not interested in having children until he has more time off, and can show that he will actually be able to have time to be involved (like magsugar13). He wants kids but I want a FAMILY and my career, and I can't do that if my husband can't carry part of the household responsibility. I'm also not interested in raising children who never get to see their father (which is similar to how I grew up). 

He's also in desperate need of a surgery but is unable to get the time off to get it. I feel like a nag b/c EVERY DAY for a month I've asked him "ok, when are you getting your surgery", "ok, can we schedule your surgery"  but he never knows when he will be off until the absolutely fn last minute!! 

I really do hate his job, the restaurant business, and (assuming most restaurants aren't this brutal, but I have nothing to compare too) the restaurant he works for.   

Thanks you guys. It really does help to vent xox 

short+sassy

Granted, I've only worked in the restaurant industry many years ago as a part-time server.  But I do have friends in it.  I know it can be a brutal schedule, but I've never heard of a restaurant that doesn't set a schedule out at least one week in advance.  In addition, it's my impression that most of the time people work a fairly set schedule.

It sounds like he works for a highly disorganized restaurant if he doesn't know from day to day if he is working or not.  As for surgery, obviously he will never have the time off for it.  He needs to TELL his employer he needs to take "x" time off for surgery.  They will just have to deal.

I know he probably thinks they can't live without him, but they can and they will.  I'm not saying that in a snarky way, but so many people in a lot of industries are too loyal and feel like they are letting people down if they take needed time off.  I mean, he could fall in the restaurant kitchen tomorrow and break his leg and be out for 8 weeks.  What would they do then?  Well, whatever they would do, they can make that same thing happen for his surgery.

I get the impression he has been working at this company for a long time.  I know the restaurant industry has a lot of uncaring a***ole owners.  Hopefully he doesn't work for one of those.  But he needs to put his foot down a bit and demand one day/week off and a specific one.  They can even chose (like Tuesdays).  He also needs to demand one night/week off in addition to that...again, their choice.  He'd still be working crazy 14 hour days 5 days/week, plus a 6th full day.  That's already an inhumane schedule, but at least it is better than what he has now.  I think that is beyond reasonable and any owner would be a fool to argue with it, thereby making a valued employee potentially burned out.

If they really need that kind of management coverage, they obviously need to hire another manager and they're cheapskates for not doing that already.    

short+sassy

Oh!  Also wanted to add that you are 200% right about not bringing children into this world until he is willing to do something about his schedule.  Whether that is cutting back at his current work or getting an entirely new job in a new industry altogether.

In addition, I think children should wait until you are also out of grad school.  Neither one of you have time for an infant right now.