Married Life
Girlmom23
member
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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
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Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Man cave?
in Married Life
Ladies, I need some advice. My husband and I are about to move into our new home with our two young daughters. We've bought a 4 bedroom home that has a large bonus room and bathroom upstairs. I'm a SAHM at the present time, and my husband works in the corporate world...he has an office that he goes to every day, but he wants to start working more from home since that's an option for him. He believes he's entitled to the large, upstairs room. He wants it to serve as our guest bedroom/his office/man cave. He wants the extra bedroom downstairs to serve as the playroom for our daughters. I'd like the downstairs bedroom to serve as the guest room/his office, and I'd like the large, bonus room to be a playroom for our girls...a place where they can keep their toys...and eventually a place where they can have sleepovers with their friends. My husband says he needs a place that is very quiet if he is going to work from home, but I feel like he's being selfish. He doesn't have to work from home (he has an office), and I feel like he mainly wants this room to serve as his man cave so he can just get away from us and watch football/play computer games/have some peace and quiet away from the chaos of having two little ones. He will likely work from home once or twice a week, and some weeks he won't work from home at all. We rarely have house guests, but we do want a space to have them when we do. So, who is right in this scenario? Should my husband get the large bonus room or should our children? Thanks so much! I really want any and all advice, even if you don't agree with me! 
Re: Man cave?
Working from home is going to be "the office of the future" --- lots of people are doing it. Most employees will be telecommuting -- working from a location other than the company's locale.
He can have a man cave and you can have a hobby room/wife retreat! Why not?
I am willing to bet you nee time away, too, more or less. Don't you have a hobby or a way to blow off steam? If not, get one.
And where is YOUR space to go retreat to and "get away" from him and the kids?
Really- I've NEVER understood this concept. He already works out of the house, already spends a lot of time away. Yes, granted, working. BUT he isn't home. And then when he IS home, he wants a dedicated space that is his and he can run away to???
Hell no.
I get "man caves" when they are more of a room that the DH gets to decorate/ put up sports memorabilia (perhaps) that just doesn't jive w/ the overall look of the house. BUT the room is still open to anyone who wants to use it.
I do not understand man caves when they really are literally for the man to be used to "escape" from his family.
Don't get me wrong- I think we ALL need "me time". Absolutely. I need time away from my son occasionally!
BUT the concept of a room in your own house that is ONLY for you and you just go off to it to be alone (that isn't your bedroom) just feels weird to me. Especially when it's usually about the MAN needing this extra room.
For the fact she used the word "entitled" - that just bugs me. Now- I can't fault his reasoning for wanting quiet. BUT if the girls have the large upstairs room as their playroom, then the downstairs bedroom may actually be the quiet space that he wants.
Plus, when I envision my ONE child using one of our extra bedrooms as a playroom vs our relatively large actual playroom - I laugh. And she has 2! Kids can use space. her DH doesn't need SPACE to work or even to be alone. He can play PC games in a smaller bedroom/ Office. He doesn't need a large bonus room for this.
Thanks to all of you for your input so far...I know in a marriage you have to pick your battles, so I'm just trying to figure out if this is one I should pick or not...he has said this issue is non-negotiable...that he will get the large room to call his own...obviously I can choose to fight him on this or not...
I somewhat get what the poster meant when she said that he pays the mortgage and the children don't. But that's been another point of contention between us as well. That's actually been one of his arguments: "I pay the bills. The work I do (potentially from home) is what puts a roof over our heads. I get to choose what room I want."
His biggest argument for "needing" the large room is he needs it to be very quiet when he works from home. He works in sales and is on the phone a lot...however I just feel like he wants a space away from the chaos to be alone...and that of course hurts my feelings...
All I can say is "good luck". I'd have a really, really, really hard time staying quiet to this, what is really a, sexist attitude.
My advice- IF you decide to "let" him use the bonus room as his office, it needs to be his OFFICE during work hours. It's not a room that he gets to run off to at night or on the weekends because he feels he deserves "time away" from his family.
He needs to respect YOUR job. You may not be bringing money in but you are raising your children AND taking care of your home. That counts for something. That counts for a lot. And he needs to realize this.
If his argument that he needs quiet is genuine, well then, he needs quiet. BUT this doesn't get to become his "man cave" where you and your kids aren't ever allowed to go into and/or (again) he gets to just go off to when he doesn't feel like dealing w/ his kids.
My husband has the smallest room in the house as his office and the "Man Cave" is our family room and we all share it.
I work from home sometimes as well and I know that no one needs a huge amount of space to work from home, as long as he has room for a desk and chair he should be good.
That is what I am not understanding about this whole thing. I think of a "Man Cave" as basically being a family room...but with perhaps some more "masculine" touches. Big TV, big comfy couches/recliners, maybe a pool table, maybe a bar area, maybe sports knick knacks. I'd love a "man cave" myself, if I had the room in my house. But I've never thought of it as being somewhere only the man of the house gets to hang out. That's just hell no.
Perhaps you can rephrase it that way to him? Like he can have his quiet office downstairs and then the big bonus room gets turned into his "man cave" with the tv and video games...but kids and rest of the family will be hanging out in there also sometimes.