Is my wife (still) having an affair

wakajawaka

Question for you.  Lets assume everything I write below is the truth.

Over the course of a marriage, a woman starts to resent/fall out of love with her husband.  She confides in a man at her job and over time, becomes emotionally attached.  They cross over to a physical affair one night.  She decides that she wants to try and work on fixing her marriage and her family.  She tells the co-worker that they must not do that again but she wants to remain friends.  She doesnt have sex with the co-worker again, but the two of them continue to see each other outside of work alone for a few minutes here and there, after work he walks her to her car, etc.  They send each other e-mails about music and sometimes the woman lets her guard down and will say something like "I miss you terribly".

My question is simply this:  Is she still having an affair if she continues to engage this co-worker like this?

Thanks

TarponMonoxide

wakajawaka said:

Question for you.  Lets assume everything I write below is the truth.

Over the course of a marriage, a woman starts to resent/fall out of love with her husband.  She confides in a man at her job and over time, becomes emotionally attached.  They cross over to a physical affair one night.  She decides that she wants to try and work on fixing her marriage and her family.  She tells the co-worker that they must not do that again but she wants to remain friends.  She doesnt have sex with the co-worker again, but the two of them continue to see each other outside of work alone for a few minutes here and there, after work he walks her to her car, etc.  They send each other e-mails about music and sometimes the woman lets her guard down and will say something like "I miss you terribly".

My question is simply this:  Is she still having an affair if she continues to engage this co-worker like this?

Thanks

She's had an affair?

The second you found out for certain that was happening, you needed to call it quits.

Once a cheater always a cheater.

And if she's gone to resenting you, forget it. There could be no affair but the fact that she resents you is reason enough to say goodbye to her.

There's no turning back. The resentment won't be discarded or "healed" or what have you. it's over.

Say goodbye to her.

Get yourself a good counselor and find out why you tolerated being less than first choice and find out why you permitted yourself to keep her in your life. You've got a bit of a self-worth problem if you permitted yourself to be treated like this.  

VOR

I do not agree with "once a cheater, always a cheater".

Regardless, to me, yes, this is an affair.  Perhaps not physical but definitely emotional.

nurse714

Your wife was to cut off all contact with the man she had an affair with. I think she is still cheating on you. She disrespected you by having an affair and is continually doing so by communicating with him still. Sorry you're going through this. GL!

TarponMonoxide

I don't think yu want to live with that kind of Sword of Damocles over your head.

You no longer trust her. I have no idea how you can transcend that.

You will also wonder if she is still seeing this guy -- and even if the guy is out of the picture you will wonder if she might be having an affair with somebody else.

Did she tell you she'd end all contact with him?

If she did and she is still in touch with him then she's broken a promise to you and who needs that?

You are going to have to decide what to do.

Very doubtful she will enthusiastically say okay to counseling! She still tells this guy she misses him! 

GilliC

It certainly sounds like she's still emotionally wrapped up in the guy. Even if there's no physical element, it sounds like she's not entirely committed to the marriage or over her former lover. If it's creating unease, it's not unreasonable to ask her to cut all but the absolutely necessary work contact, and she should respect that.

MommyLiberty5013

GilliC said:

It certainly sounds like she's still emotionally wrapped up in the guy. Even if there's no physical element, it sounds like she's not entirely committed to the marriage or over her former lover. If it's creating unease, it's not unreasonable to ask her to cut all but the absolutely necessary work contact, and she should respect that.

I would even go so far as to suggest she find a different job location. Jobs come and go - spouses are supposed to be for life. She still likes him if she lets him walk her to her car.

Most women cheat on their husbands due to some sort of unfulfilled emotional element in their own marriage. It's HER fault for the cheating and the affair, that was her choice. But, women don't also wake up suddenly and decide it's time to sleep with another man. Sex is emotional for women, so if she's seeking physical and emotional intimacy with another man, it's because there's something not going well in your own marriage. Only you can know what that is.

groovylocks

Yes, and a serious one. 

You need to have a very frank discussion with her. 

groovylocks

MommyLiberty5013 said:

GilliC said:

It certainly sounds like she's still emotionally wrapped up in the guy. Even if there's no physical element, it sounds like she's not entirely committed to the marriage or over her former lover. If it's creating unease, it's not unreasonable to ask her to cut all but the absolutely necessary work contact, and she should respect that.

I would even go so far as to suggest she find a different job location. Jobs come and go - spouses are supposed to be for life. She still likes him if she lets him walk her to her car.

Most women cheat on their husbands due to some sort of unfulfilled emotional element in their own marriage. It's HER fault for the cheating and the affair, that was her choice. But, women don't also wake up suddenly and decide it's time to sleep with another man. Sex is emotional for women, so if she's seeking physical and emotional intimacy with another man, it's because there's something not going well in your own marriage. Only you can know what that is.

Some women do though. Some women do have purely physical affairs. I've had lots of sex in my life, perfectly enjoyable and satisfying sex, that had zero emotional impact or basis. In fact, a much larger number of women than you might think are like this.

I'm not condoning a purely physical affair (Which isn't an "affair" - it's just flat-out cheating). I'm just going to say that this isn't what's going on here. She's not out for a good time, she's building and maintaining an emotional attachment to another person. I don't know what's happening in your marriage to cause this, wakajawaka but it's not necessarily anything you're doing wrong. You might not be fulfilling her emotional needs. Or she may equally just be a serial lover who gets bored easily and falls in love easily. 

In any event, you really need to talk to her about this.