Relationships
HesInTheNavy
member
Dear Community,
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
I'm 13 years older than he is . . . .
I'm 38, amicably divorcing, a mother to a 6-year-old daughter, and in a new relationship with a 26 year old. I've known him for a couple years now, and feel pretty secure in our relationship.
The issue is our age difference.
For one, we recognize that time is not on our side when it comes to my fertility. We both want children, and plan to move in together next summer/fall. I'm not really interested in getting re-married, but he is adamant that if we chose to have children together we will be married. Our current plan (if all goes well) is to try for baby starting next summer.
The biggest stumbling block I feel we are running into right now is his perception of things. He is an old-soul, but still, he see's things with a very young perspective at times. He can be impatient, see's things as more black/white than I do, etc. I find myself being frustrated when we are discussing certain issues, particularly when he is so vehement that his way is the ONLY way, etc. He doesn't yell, but OMG the man can lecture!
Is there anyone here in a relationship with a similar age difference? Anyone with some advice?
Re: I'm 13 years older than he is . . . .
I think it's time to talk about the important issues before you try to start ttc.
Basically all the big things that can cause issues in a relationship. My big thing is don't get have a baby just because your clock is ticking. And don't get married to have a baby. Getting married should be something you do because you can't see yourself living the rest of your life without that person because of how great they treat you and how happy they make you. Let the ring come when he is ready. Then once the marriage happens, if you are meant to have a child together, then hopefully it will happen.
At the very least, live together for at least six months to a year before trying to conceive. You really get to see a persons true personality when you live together and what happens if you get pregnant right away and then you realize after living with him for just a few months that you really aren't compatible. Or you discover that you don't care for his parenting style with your daughter. He may be wonderful with her now, but when he has to start dealing with her 24/7 it could change.
To the above ^^^ I don't know that this is really an age thing as much as personality. Be careful- this is a new relationship and you're quick to pin any issues on age. Don't get caught up in that and think "Oh- but as he gets older, it will get better". Some of this may very well be WHO he is, age aside.
Reason being one of you -- or both of you -- will invariably show your age.
What I find worrisome is that it looks like this gent doesn't "Get" the art of compromise. This is something to watch out for.
I would suggest you live with him for a good long stretch -- at least a few years -- and watch to see how he handles life on a day to day immediate basis. Don't rush into marriage with a guy who is still in his "wild oats sowing" stage -- he is, after all, 26.
Conceive no kids with this guy during that time -- and how "new" of a relationship is this? if it is less than several months, he can be here today and gone tomorrow and now is NOT the time to discuss kids or moving in or marriage or anything else like that.
You are moving a tad too quickly -- you have a 6 year old daughter. Ultimately this gent should have been firmly ensconced with you for a good year and some change before you even introduced him to your child!
You're moving in WHEN???
Slow down.....waaaaay down......give this another 15 months or so of dating -- and see where this goes. And limit his time that he spends with you and the child. A 26 year old is rarely ready to be a father.
I can only share my experience, my wife is 6 years older than I am and has two children from a previous marriage. I was 25 when we first met, I had never been married before and also said I have to have my own child (she didn’t want more kids). Once the decision was made that she would have one more our relationship quickly progressed and we were married a year later in 2001.
Looking back over the years raising two step kids has been the hardest thing I have ever done, it almost ended our marriage. Communication and compromise are the two things that saved the marriage. My two oldest kids are 25 & 23 and live out of the house now. My youngest is 13 years old and is a breeze to raise in comparison to my older two. Both of my older kids are great kids and now great adults and I love them both as my own and always will but if you have any doubts this early in the relationship you have to question the longevity once things get hard and they will.