Feeling Lonley In New Marriage

Knottie33893213

Ok so I've been married 4 1/2 months and I feel alone.  I spend most of my time alone now and even when my husband is home I'm still alone because he is constantly in front of the computer editing pictures (part-time photographer).  We spend less time together now than we did before we got married.  He chats with girls on facebook that he is planning shoots with or has shot and ends up in conversations that are less than appropriate.  Making sexual references about their body or telling them they are sexy or hot etc.  He rarely says anything about me or complements me.  We had a huge blow up 2 months ago where he was being very sexually explicit with a girl on facebook and I almost left then (probably should have).  

Recently I found out that he has a few thousand dollars in unpaid medical bills, he didn't pay our electricity for 2 months and he's not paying his credit card bills.  Basically I can never co-sign anything or be on anything financial related because of this.  Meaning we can't buy a house together in the future because he is not responsible.  

Literally this whole life I thought I could have with him has vanished.  I can't own anything, I can't go back to school to get a better job because the little bit of extra cash I have from working two jobs I have to save in case our electricity gets turned off.  

He's been trying, but very little to make things better and I just don't care anymore.  I don't want him near me, I don't want him to touch me (he thinks sex is going to make it all better so he pushes for it every day), and I just don't know what to do.  I feel hopeless and lost.  

jtmh2012

Run away and get your marriage annulled now if you can.  This isn't going to get better.

VOR

So, what was your relationship like before you got married?  Did you live together?  

Knottie33893213

No we didn't live together, but I was constantly at his place I just didn't sleep there.  I forgot to mention he hides bills from me so I won't find them from where he's not paid them.  

Our relationship was good.  I would come in after work (I work late usually 9 pm) and he would spend time with me.  We would watch tv for like an hour and then he'd go to bed and I would go home.  Now I come in from work and he doesn't even leave the computer.  He MIGHT get up and come sit with me on the couch for 5-10 mins then gets up and goes right back to the computer.  I guess just enough time to say he is trying to spend more time with me.  Our weekends are now filled with photoshoots every single freaking weekend.  We use to go do things just us but he keeps piling more on.  I even told him I want more time together but he just keeps adding more so that we aren't together just us, having fun.  Its always involving a camera.

GilliC

Knottie33893213 said:

Ok so I've been married 4 1/2 months and I feel alone.  I spend most of my time alone now and even when my husband is home I'm still alone because he is constantly in front of the computer editing pictures (part-time photographer).  We spend less time together now than we did before we got married.  He chats with girls on facebook that he is planning shoots with or has shot and ends up in conversations that are less than appropriate.  Making sexual references about their body or telling them they are sexy or hot etc.  He rarely says anything about me or complements me.  We had a huge blow up 2 months ago where he was being very sexually explicit with a girl on facebook and I almost left then (probably should have).  

Recently I found out that he has a few thousand dollars in unpaid medical bills, he didn't pay our electricity for 2 months and he's not paying his credit card bills.  Basically I can never co-sign anything or be on anything financial related because of this.  Meaning we can't buy a house together in the future because he is not responsible.  

Literally this whole life I thought I could have with him has vanished.  I can't own anything, I can't go back to school to get a better job because the little bit of extra cash I have from working two jobs I have to save in case our electricity gets turned off.  

He's been trying, but very little to make things better and I just don't care anymore.  I don't want him near me, I don't want him to touch me (he thinks sex is going to make it all better so he pushes for it every day), and I just don't know what to do.  I feel hopeless and lost.  

The inappropriate comments to other women are inappropriate. Have you two talked about this? You need to tell him (calmly and objectively) that it makes you uncomfortable.

Re: the medical bills, the ship has sailed now, but this is why it's so important to have full financial disclosure before you agree to marriage. Unfortunately, unless you get divorced, now you owe thousands in medical bills.

And what do you mean "he's not paying his credit card bills." ??? WTF?! That is not okay! Is this something he discussed with you? Can you not afford to pay the minimums? This is a very bad situation for you both, and you need to sit down and sort your joint finances (because these are now your financial issues as well).

Honestly, if he's this cavalier about your mutual financial well-being, I would question whether this is a lifetime commitment you want to make. You may love him, but love does not pay the electricity bill. Sadly, marriage is not the romantic heart-driven institution that The Knot would have us believe. It's also a financial agreement, and it does not sound like the two of you are on the same page about that.

Knottie33893213

Our finances are completely separate.  Separate accounts, separate credit cards etc.  He refuses to join our finances.  I've had my point in life in my early 20's where I had financial problems because of lack of a job etc.  Now I work two jobs, pay my bills, have semi decent credit etc.  

I've told him that talking to other girls like that is not cool.  He still does it just not on the scale he once was.  He will even use me as an excuse to not tell a girl she's hot but at the same time he still does, if that makes sense.

short+sassy

First off, I find it mind blowing that someone who works a part-time job as a photographer would make those kind of comments to his clients.  Of course, it is awful for you...but it is also totally unprofessional.  If I were a model, hired your H to do my portfolio, and he starts FBing me about how hot and sexy I am...I would drop him like such a bad habit and warn others about him.  He should stop that BS just for you, but maybe if you also point out how detrimental this kind of behavior can be for his business, hopefully that would be additional motivation.

But, honestly, if things are this bad and you are NEWLYWEDS!!!  The best thing to do might just be to have the marriage annulled, recognize it was a mistake, and move on and out.

Probably just as well the finances are separate since this seems to be another area he fails at.  And hiding bills?  WTF?  So many bad signs in your post, especially considering you all just got married.

Good luck and I hope things start working out better for you, one way or the other.

Disneygeek77

I think you should move on and stop wasting your time.

catsareniice1

He sounds creepy! Get away from him now. I married a man who started saying inappropriate things to women after we married. I cannot trust anymore. Besides, I like being single so much better than being married. Don't waste anymore of your precious time with this guy.

GilliC

Knottie33893213 said:

Our finances are completely separate.  Separate accounts, separate credit cards etc.  He refuses to join our finances.  I've had my point in life in my early 20's where I had financial problems because of lack of a job etc.  Now I work two jobs, pay my bills, have semi decent credit etc.  

I've told him that talking to other girls like that is not cool.  He still does it just not on the scale he once was.  He will even use me as an excuse to not tell a girl she's hot but at the same time he still does, if that makes sense.

Did you sign a prenup to that effect?

Knottie33893213

No we didn't sign a prenup. That's just how he wants it and I was fine with it. He makes way more than I do and has less money than me. I think he sees me as a meal ticket and possession

GilliC

Knottie33893213 said:

No we didn't sign a prenup. That's just how he wants it and I was fine with it. He makes way more than I do and has less money than me. I think he sees me as a meal ticket and possession

If you didn't sign a prenup, there's a good chance that your finances are more joint than you think. Even if you don't share accounts, most states consider all marital assets as joint. And depending on the state and your lawyers, even if you split up, you could still be on the hook for spousal support or more.

Knottie33893213

Tn doesn't do that unless you are seriously loaded rich. He makes 30k more than I do a year but he spends all his money on things he doesn't need. That's why I have more money than him. I'm not rich I make half of what he does that was my point.

The only way he would get anything of mine is if he contests the divorce and we go to court which he won't do because he likes playing the victim too much so he can get attention from other girls.

GilliC

Knottie33893213 said:

Tn doesn't do that unless you are seriously loaded rich. He makes 30k more than I do a year but he spends all his money on things he doesn't need. That's why I have more money than him. I'm not rich I make half of what he does that was my point. The only way he would get anything of mine is if he contests the divorce and we go to court which he won't do because he likes playing the victim too much so he can get attention from other girls.

He makes 30K more than you and he's not paying his share of the bills? What a jerk!

TarponMonoxide

Shikeys....

How WELL did you get to know this guy before you decided to become serious with him, let alone marry him???

This is already very bad news....

Knottie33893213 said:

Ok so I've been married 4 1/2 months and I feel alone.  I spend most of my time alone now and even when my husband is home I'm still alone because he is constantly in front of the computer editing pictures (part-time photographer).  We spend less time together now than we did before we got married.  

Where did you find this little bum???

He chats with girls on facebook that he is planning shoots with or has shot and ends up in conversations that are less than appropriate.  Making sexual references about their body or telling them they are sexy or hot etc.  

Sounds like a nice group of decent women. I am surprised they are not running like hell.

He rarely says anything about me or complements me.  We had a huge blow up 2 months ago where he was being very sexually explicit with a girl on facebook and I almost left then (probably should have).

You can still do so. Run like hell...before you catch an STD or catch pregnant...and then you'll be stuck with this horny middleschooler you married for 18 years.

 

Recently I found out that he has a few thousand dollars in unpaid medical bills, he didn't pay our electricity for 2 months and he's not paying his credit card bills.  Basically I can never co-sign anything or be on anything financial related because of this.  Meaning we can't buy a house together in the future because he is not responsible.  

Didn't you and he have a through discussion about MONEY and topics that are related to money: like "how much debt have you got right now and how do you intend to pay it off before we are married???

Literally this whole life I thought I could have with him has vanished.  I can't own anything, I can't go back to school to get a better job because the little bit of extra cash I have from working two jobs I have to save in case our electricity gets turned off.  

He's been trying, but very little to make things better and I just don't care anymore.  I don't want him near me, I don't want him to touch me (he thinks sex is going to make it all better so he pushes for it every day), and I just don't know what to do.  I feel hopeless and lost.  

Considering the big line of women that he's got waiting for him? Gee, I am surprised he even knows you are still there.

You can get this marriage annulled in a civil court. I wouldn't stay one more day with a guy who is not true to me. Run like hell...and secure an attorney and ask about a civil annulment -- being this creep's got debt he did not disclose to you before you were married, this is grounds for annulment: this is fraud.

GL.

Knottie33893213

I want to say thank you to everyone. I spoke with a counselor the other day and he has advised me to seek an attorney to see what my options are to protect myself. I am looking into either an annulment or divorce. As soon as I can find a place to go I am leaving.

I know now that he is bi-polar which he didn't disclose to me. Which also contributes to his inability to manage money etc. We had discussed our debt prior to marriage but that doesn't mean that he was honest about it all because obviously he wasn't. So I'm going to see what I can do legally without it getting nasty.

Thank you once again for all your support and advise.

simplyelise

Good luck in the next steps, I think you're making a great decision. His actions on facebook talking to other women are equivalent to cheating and breaking your marriage vows in my book. 

There are just a thousand red, screaming flags with this guy. I hope that if you desire marriage in the future you meet someone who is willing to invest daily in your relationship and make marriage the priority that it has to be.

TarponMonoxide

Knottie33893213 said:

I want to say thank you to everyone. I spoke with a counselor the other day and he has advised me to seek an attorney to see what my options are to protect myself. I am looking into either an annulment or divorce. As soon as I can find a place to go I am leaving. I know now that he is bi-polar which he didn't disclose to me. Which also contributes to his inability to manage money etc. We had discussed our debt prior to marriage but that doesn't mean that he was honest about it all because obviously he wasn't. So I'm going to see what I can do legally without it getting nasty. Thank you once again for all your support and advise.

Did he tell you he was bipolar? Do you have proof that he is? Maybe this is a story of his; maybe not.

It is a MUST that you be open and honest about everything that "happens to you" if you are seriously involved with somebody -- this means you do not withhold vital information about your health, either!

Reason being it's an honesty thing, a character thing and it is also a medical thing; suppose he experienced a medical/mental episode while in your presence? It's necessary for you to know so you can do the right thing for him, health wise!

Ditch this guy for the sheer fact he has not been honest with you about vital issues.  Who knows what else he has lied about?