Newly Married, Sad, and Lost

alwayslookingup

Hey There,

It's kind of awkward but also sometimes therapeutic to reach out to strangers. So, here it goes. I would like to apologize in advance for the lengthy message that follows.

My husband and I tied the knot in April. We have not been married very long and we did not date very long before getting engaged (6 months) we were married 3 months later. He is a military man and I am currently in school and working full time. He loves me and he wanted to take care of me (via military benefits) and ease some of my financial burdens. Things were great, we had had many discussion regarding marriage and what it meant to us. We truly seemed to be on the same page when it came to a lot of things. I am a communicator and it has always been important to me to gauge my partners level of communication. I was impressed. We were able to communicate and things seemed to be going well.

When it came time to plan the wedding there was a lot of tension. I should probably mention that he and I had a long distance relationship from the beginning and we still do. However, when it came time to plan the wedding tension began to build. We both had opinions about a lot of thing, which is not a bad thing at all but I started to notice that my opinions became me "always getting my way" which was confusing to me because I was totally up to discuss what ever situation came up and figure it out or come to a happy medium or compromise in some way. He would say that he wanted to avoid drama. His way of doing that was avoiding a compromise and a possible difference in opinion. At one point we argued so much that he began to question if we had rushed into things and while I was thinking the same thing I couldn't help but think about the people who were now involved (we had a small wedding, so luckily not too many people were involved).

Fast forward to April, we got married and it was a lovely ceremony. I should also mention that our sex life was pretty meek even before we got married. Our situation is a little unconventional in the sense that I am the sexual one and my husband in the one who isn't. I have had a few conversations with him about my concerns, my feelings, and his feelings as well. Anyway, we get married and on our wedding night I had to convince my husband to have sex with me and sadly it wasn't very successful. We attempted but...we were not successful. I try to be understanding and loving but it makes me feel terrible. I have spent many nights crying after failed attempts. Enough about that (for now).

After we were married we waited 2 months to go on our honeymoon. It was there in sunny Florida that I realized the person I really married. He was easily getting frustrated with me about some of the littlest things. He would never talk to me about how he felt, I NEVER knew when he was getting frustrated until he would EXPLODE on me and all of a sudden I would find out all these things that I've done that got on his nerves. One night in particular I saw an anger in him that was scary, not because I was afraid that he would hurt me physically but he definitely hurt me emotionally! He became completely unreasonable, he was saying rude and hurtful things, he even said that we should and WILL get a DIVORCE!! I had to be the calm one and tell him that I think we should try counseling before divorcing and he pretty much told me no! He had me cancel the rest of our honeymoon and was horrible the rest of the night. I kind of lost it and was extremely sad the next day. I cried all day long and he felt so bad that he suggested we finish our honeymoon and that he would work on his anger. He kept saying that he doesn't know why he gets so angry. The rest of our honeymoon was like a roller coaster. We would argue about the stupidest things and he was constantly blaming me for ruining his day.

A little bit about me, I am a strong woman who has always been self sufficient, and very strong willed. I have an opinion and I'm not afraid to share it. I am however, able to be cognizant of others opinions and the fact that they matter too; being aware doesn't make me any less willing to speak my mind. I think it is important to know where a person is coming from and that it is also important to talk about feelings. This seems to work against me in this relationship. I can totally go with the flow but that doesn't mean that I won't ask a question or put my two sense in at times. To give an example of one thing he got frustrated about we were going to the movies and he went to park. I saw a parking space available a little closer to the theater and said "hey, there is a space up there". I later found out that he got irritated at me for that. I don't think that it was that situation alone that got him so frustrated but I don't know where things go wrong! He doesn't like to talk about anything that is less than happy, puppies, kittens, and lollipops!

In my opinion (see, there I go with the opinions), Life and marriage are about love, compromise, understanding, and some times situations where you won't always get along! The moment we have a disagreement and I mean the slightest of disagreements he always goes to a very negative place; he says he doesn't understand why I'm so combative (really, combative????, I'm pretty sure that asking if we could go to a 7:30pm movie instead of a 4:00pm movie so that I can finish my laundry is NOT combative).

The fact that he gets so upset about such little things makes me worry about when we have to make big life decisions! I also worry about our ability to have children due to the issues we have in the bedroom.

It makes me feel terrible to say it but I think that I've already started to check out because I am already so exhausted from trying to hard and I don't feel like I see ANY improvement. It's a 1 step forward 10 steps back situation and I feel like I am losing myself! I am a young woman in the prime of my life and I shouldn't feel guilty for having sexual desires and opinions!!

I'm concerned for my future...any advice (if you've been patient enough to make it this far, in this book I have written)

BlueBirdMB

You need to call a lawyer and look into an annulment. 

Everything you've said about him makes him seem emotionally unstable.  I'd say that could be part of his troubles in the bedroom, which probably also feed into his emotional state, and become a vicious cycle.  

This is not how marriage should be.  This is not healthy, not normal, not loving, not respectful.  You can't change him or how he acts and reacts.

What concerns me from your end, is how and why you decided to marry him in the first place.  These things don't pop up out of the clear blue- you ignored signs.  I'd suggest getting individual counseling so you can discover why you chose this man so you won't make that again.  

BlueBirdMB

I've been thinking about your thread more, OP, and I thought it might be helpful to tell you about my marriage.  

Leading up to our wedding, we had tons of issues with my husband's family.  It was one of the more stressful experiences of my life.  Things got so bad with his family and how they were treating me, that I told my (now) husband that I couldn't get married because while I wanted to marry him, I could never marry his family.  He promised me that he would always choose me over them, and then he acted on it.  He drove 5 hours to his parent's house the very next day, sat down his family, and told them that his marriage and our lives together were not up for discussion.  That we would choose how to lead our lives and unless we asked for their input, we didn't want to hear their opinions.  He told them that if lost me because of their treatment of me, he would never forgive them.  And then, he basically cut them out of our lives.  We still see them now and again, but they know nothing serious about our lives, and things are calm.  He proved to me that he had chosen me and that we were a team.

Our wedding was a great day, but our honeymoon was the happiest time I can remember.  Everything just felt perfect.  We were relaxed, so in love, and so excited to be married.  It was wonderful and memorable.  We never so much as bickered for two seconds.  In fact, we were probably gross to watch because we were so in love.   People kept commenting how cute we were.  I'm not saying every honeymoon that leads to a great marriage is absolutely perfect, but it shouldn't be like yours.

My husband makes me the most happy and the most crazy of any person in the world.  We aren't perfect people and don't have a perfect marriage, but we are happy the majority of the time.  You could have so much more than you do now.  I believe that everyone can have a happy marriage with the right person.

Disneygeek77

He is showing signs of being an emotional abuser. You can try counseling if you think it would give you the peace of mind that you did all you could. But I also wouldn't hold out hope it would make a long term change in him. Simply put, this isn't the kind of man you build a life with, have children with and have a future with. Trust me, you have no idea what life has in store for you. If he behaves like this on your honeymoon, how would he handle having a child with severe developmental delays or a serious disease? Do you really think he will help you if you get cancer or ms? Again, try counseling if you want but don't waste too much of your time either. Like pp said, you might look into counseling for yourself so as to understand why you chose him.

GilliC

alwayslookingup said:

Hey There,

It's kind of awkward but also sometimes therapeutic to reach out to strangers. So, here it goes. I would like to apologize in advance for the lengthy message that follows.

My husband and I tied the knot in April. We have not been married very long and we did not date very long before getting engaged (6 months) we were married 3 months later. He is a military man and I am currently in school and working full time. He loves me and he wanted to take care of me (via military benefits) and ease some of my financial burdens. Things were great, we had had many discussion regarding marriage and what it meant to us. We truly seemed to be on the same page when it came to a lot of things. I am a communicator and it has always been important to me to gauge my partners level of communication. I was impressed. We were able to communicate and things seemed to be going well.

When it came time to plan the wedding there was a lot of tension. I should probably mention that he and I had a long distance relationship from the beginning and we still do. However, when it came time to plan the wedding tension began to build. We both had opinions about a lot of thing, which is not a bad thing at all but I started to notice that my opinions became me "always getting my way" which was confusing to me because I was totally up to discuss what ever situation came up and figure it out or come to a happy medium or compromise in some way. He would say that he wanted to avoid drama. His way of doing that was avoiding a compromise and a possible difference in opinion. At one point we argued so much that he began to question if we had rushed into things and while I was thinking the same thing I couldn't help but think about the people who were now involved (we had a small wedding, so luckily not too many people were involved).

Fast forward to April, we got married and it was a lovely ceremony. I should also mention that our sex life was pretty meek even before we got married. Our situation is a little unconventional in the sense that I am the sexual one and my husband in the one who isn't. I have had a few conversations with him about my concerns, my feelings, and his feelings as well. Anyway, we get married and on our wedding night I had to convince my husband to have sex with me and sadly it wasn't very successful. We attempted but...we were not successful. I try to be understanding and loving but it makes me feel terrible. I have spent many nights crying after failed attempts. Enough about that (for now).

After we were married we waited 2 months to go on our honeymoon. It was there in sunny Florida that I realized the person I really married. He was easily getting frustrated with me about some of the littlest things. He would never talk to me about how he felt, I NEVER knew when he was getting frustrated until he would EXPLODE on me and all of a sudden I would find out all these things that I've done that got on his nerves. One night in particular I saw an anger in him that was scary, not because I was afraid that he would hurt me physically but he definitely hurt me emotionally! He became completely unreasonable, he was saying rude and hurtful things, he even said that we should and WILL get a DIVORCE!! I had to be the calm one and tell him that I think we should try counseling before divorcing and he pretty much told me no! He had me cancel the rest of our honeymoon and was horrible the rest of the night. I kind of lost it and was extremely sad the next day. I cried all day long and he felt so bad that he suggested we finish our honeymoon and that he would work on his anger. He kept saying that he doesn't know why he gets so angry. The rest of our honeymoon was like a roller coaster. We would argue about the stupidest things and he was constantly blaming me for ruining his day.

A little bit about me, I am a strong woman who has always been self sufficient, and very strong willed. I have an opinion and I'm not afraid to share it. I am however, able to be cognizant of others opinions and the fact that they matter too; being aware doesn't make me any less willing to speak my mind. I think it is important to know where a person is coming from and that it is also important to talk about feelings. This seems to work against me in this relationship. I can totally go with the flow but that doesn't mean that I won't ask a question or put my two sense in at times. To give an example of one thing he got frustrated about we were going to the movies and he went to park. I saw a parking space available a little closer to the theater and said "hey, there is a space up there". I later found out that he got irritated at me for that. I don't think that it was that situation alone that got him so frustrated but I don't know where things go wrong! He doesn't like to talk about anything that is less than happy, puppies, kittens, and lollipops!

In my opinion (see, there I go with the opinions), Life and marriage are about love, compromise, understanding, and some times situations where you won't always get along! The moment we have a disagreement and I mean the slightest of disagreements he always goes to a very negative place; he says he doesn't understand why I'm so combative (really, combative????, I'm pretty sure that asking if we could go to a 7:30pm movie instead of a 4:00pm movie so that I can finish my laundry is NOT combative).

The fact that he gets so upset about such little things makes me worry about when we have to make big life decisions! I also worry about our ability to have children due to the issues we have in the bedroom.

It makes me feel terrible to say it but I think that I've already started to check out because I am already so exhausted from trying to hard and I don't feel like I see ANY improvement. It's a 1 step forward 10 steps back situation and I feel like I am losing myself! I am a young woman in the prime of my life and I shouldn't feel guilty for having sexual desires and opinions!!

I'm concerned for my future...any advice (if you've been patient enough to make it this far, in this book I have written)

Disneygeek77 said:

He is showing signs of being an emotional abuser. You can try counseling if you think it would give you the peace of mind that you did all you could. But I also wouldn't hold out hope it would make a long term change in him. Simply put, this isn't the kind of man you build a life with, have children with and have a future with. Trust me, you have no idea what life has in store for you. If he behaves like this on your honeymoon, how would he handle having a child with severe developmental delays or a serious disease? Do you really think he will help you if you get cancer or ms? Again, try counseling if you want but don't waste too much of your time either. Like pp said, you might look into counseling for yourself so as to understand why you chose him.

This. All of this. Especially the bolded.

This sounds a bit like my marriage. XH would get irritated about some of the weirdest little things, and I felt terrible about myself a lot of the time. We managed to stay together for nearly 8 years, but I was very unhappy. I was suicidal on a few occasions and unhappy a lot of the rest of the time. We had a ton of fun together, and I love him (still do), so I just thought, "Suck it up! Marriage is hard work, and I'm not going to throw in the towel!"

Through all those years, we'd argue about all kinds of silly things, and I'd work hard to fix them. (Example: I'm now neurotic about staying out of people's way on the sidewalk, because he'd get so irritated when the two of us walking side-by-side would block someone trying to pass us.) But for every problem we "solved" a new one would pop up. After all those years I started to notice this, and one day he got really mad after we got home from dinner with some friends, because I "was talking too much and didn't let anyone else get a word in." I was so surprised by this, that I ended up asking our friends privately if that was really the case. They were as surprised as I was.

Finally one day I thought to myself about whether or not I wanted to keep going like this for the rest of my life. Think about that: "the rest of your life." Unless you're over 70, that's a pretty good chunk of time.

I knew I would regret it if I didn't make every effort before "calling it quits" (Hindsight: Bad term. It's not about quitting.) so I arranged to meet with a couples counselor. He refused to go. We split up.

For the past three years I've been with a wonderful guy, and when we argue, we talk about the subject. We don't sling mud at each other. He never makes me feel inferior or stupid or wrong to have a different opinion.

I've come to realize that a lot of things I grew up hearing are wrong:

- Divorce is not a failure. Sometimes we make mistakes, and fixing a mistake is never something to be ashamed of.
- Marriage is not supposed to be "hard work." Work? Yes. You have to talk about uncomfortable things, and you have to learn to disagree. But hard work? Not if you're with the right person.

- Love is not enough. I love my XH, but we're not the right person for each other.

short+sassy

The other PPs have given you awesome advice.  It sounds like the two of you really didn't know each other very well when you got married.  For example, you hadn't dated long and even that dating was long distance.

I also find it very striking that, after the big blow out on the honeymoon, your H admitted he had an anger problem.  Yet, even recognizing that, he still didn't do much to control it for the rest of the honeymoon....which I'm assuming was only for a few more days.  He couldn't control his combative and nitpicking nature for even that long!

As tough as it is to swallow, you all made a mistake in getting married and should get it annulled.  I think you know that in your heart.  You've now seen who your H truly is.  Don't spend the next 5-10 years sad and walking on eggshells.  That is crazy-making and ego-destroying.

If you aren't yet ready to take that step, at least see a counselor.  Preferably together, but go by yourself if he won't.

alwayslookingup

Hey contributors!

I really appreciate the advice and input everyone had given and BlueBirdMD your explanation of your experiences with your husband. It really touched me that you thought about my situation enough that you came back again to write some more. I really appreciate that support, and everyone's support. Thank you for taking the time to respond.

I have definitely been thinking about and talking about what it is that led me to make the decision to marry this man. Surprisingly (or maybe not so surprisingly) I was in an even worse relationship before my H and while he and I have only a few issues they are HUGE ones, but before these issues really came to light he was such a stark contrast of what I found myself dealing with previously that I was blinded by the good and even great things about him.

It makes me so sad and angry that I have gotten myself in this situation. I definitely feel in my heart that this is not what I want for the REST OF MY LIFE! A few counseling sessions cannot change a person, when the issues come from so deep within. I want a love that is strong and that can withstand disagreement and withstand the difficult situations that life can and WILL bring our way. I definitely do not have confidence that we can handle these situations together.

We are currently in counseling and had our second session this evening. He seems to want to try and work on things but I think I may be past that point. GilliC, I have to admit that part of me feels like I am failing if I get a divorce, which I think is part of what holds me back. I just don't want to hurt anyone and so often I put myself on the back burner so as not to hurt others. It makes me feel so selfish!

I definitely feel it in my heart that this isn't right and I'm just lost on how to handle things at this point. I do love him and I definitely care about him but this is just not how I imagined my life after "I do".

GilliC

alwayslookingup said:

Hey contributors!

I really appreciate the advice and input everyone had given and BlueBirdMD your explanation of your experiences with your husband. It really touched me that you thought about my situation enough that you came back again to write some more. I really appreciate that support, and everyone's support. Thank you for taking the time to respond.

I have definitely been thinking about and talking about what it is that led me to make the decision to marry this man. Surprisingly (or maybe not so surprisingly) I was in an even worse relationship before my H and while he and I have only a few issues they are HUGE ones, but before these issues really came to light he was such a stark contrast of what I found myself dealing with previously that I was blinded by the good and even great things about him.

It makes me so sad and angry that I have gotten myself in this situation. I definitely feel in my heart that this is not what I want for the REST OF MY LIFE! A few counseling sessions cannot change a person, when the issues come from so deep within. I want a love that is strong and that can withstand disagreement and withstand the difficult situations that life can and WILL bring our way. I definitely do not have confidence that we can handle these situations together.

We are currently in counseling and had our second session this evening. He seems to want to try and work on things but I think I may be past that point. GilliC, I have to admit that part of me feels like I am failing if I get a divorce, which I think is part of what holds me back. I just don't want to hurt anyone and so often I put myself on the back burner so as not to hurt others. It makes me feel so selfish!

I definitely feel it in my heart that this isn't right and I'm just lost on how to handle things at this point. I do love him and I definitely care about him but this is just not how I imagined my life after "I do".

It sounds like the best thing you can do is make peace with yourself. Have you considered individual counseling? It could help you talk things out and analyze your own feelings about the situation. I get the impression that part of you really thinks it's time to move on, but it's a hard decision for almost anyone.

TarponMonoxide

Here is why it is a must you slow down and take your time before you decide if marriage is what you possibly want!!!!

You and he moved much too quickly on this.:(

alwayslookingup said:

Hey There,

It's kind of awkward but also sometimes therapeutic to reach out to strangers. So, here it goes. I would like to apologize in advance for the lengthy message that follows.

My husband and I tied the knot in April. We have not been married very long and we did not date very long before getting engaged (6 months) we were married 3 months later. He is a military man and I am currently in school and working full time. He loves me and he wanted to take care of me (via military benefits) and ease some of my financial burdens.

Things were great, we had had many discussion regarding marriage and what it meant to us. We truly seemed to be on the same page when it came to a lot of things. I am a communicator and it has always been important to me to gauge my partners level of communication. I was impressed. We were able to communicate and things seemed to be going well.

When it came time to plan the wedding there was a lot of tension. I should probably mention that he and I had a long distance relationship from the beginning and we still do.

However, when it came time to plan the wedding tension began to build. We both had opinions about a lot of thing, which is not a bad thing at all but I started to notice that my opinions became me "always getting my way" which was confusing to me because I was totally up to discuss what ever situation came up and figure it out or come to a happy medium or compromise in some way.

He would say that he wanted to avoid drama. His way of doing that was avoiding a compromise and a possible difference in opinion.

At one point we argued so much that he began to question if we had rushed into things and while I was thinking the same thing I couldn't help but think about the people who were now involved (we had a small wedding, so luckily not too many people were involved).

Fast forward to April, we got married and it was a lovely ceremony. I should also mention that our sex life was pretty meek even before we got married.

Our situation is a little unconventional in the sense that I am the sexual one and my husband in the one who isn't.

I have had a few conversations with him about my concerns, my feelings, and his feelings as well. Anyway, we get married and on our wedding night I had to convince my husband to have sex with me and sadly it wasn't very successful.

We attempted but...we were not successful. I try to be understanding and loving but it makes me feel terrible. I have spent many nights crying after failed attempts. Enough about that (for now).

After we were married we waited 2 months to go on our honeymoon. It was there in sunny Florida that I realized the person I really married.

He was easily getting frustrated with me about some of the littlest things. He would never talk to me about how he felt, I NEVER knew when he was getting frustrated until he would EXPLODE on me and all of a sudden I would find out all these things that I've done that got on his nerves.

One night in particular I saw an anger in him that was scary, not because I was afraid that he would hurt me physically but he definitely hurt me emotionally! He became completely unreasonable, he was saying rude and hurtful things, he even said that we should and WILL get a DIVORCE!!

I had to be the calm one and tell him that I think we should try counseling before divorcing and he pretty much told me no! He had me cancel the rest of our honeymoon and was horrible the rest of the night.

I kind of lost it and was extremely sad the next day. I cried all day long and he felt so bad that he suggested we finish our honeymoon and that he would work on his anger. He kept saying that he doesn't know why he gets so angry. The rest of our honeymoon was like a roller coaster. We would argue about the stupidest things and he was constantly blaming me for ruining his day.

A little bit about me, I am a strong woman who has always been self sufficient, and very strong willed. I have an opinion and I'm not afraid to share it. I am however, able to be cognizant of others opinions and the fact that they matter too; being aware doesn't make me any less willing to speak my mind.

I think it is important to know where a person is coming from and that it is also important to talk about feelings. This seems to work against me in this relationship. I can totally go with the flow but that doesn't mean that I won't ask a question or put my two sense in at times.

To give an example of one thing he got frustrated about we were going to the movies and he went to park. I saw a parking space available a little closer to the theater and said "hey, there is a space up there". I later found out that he got irritated at me for that. I don't think that it was that situation alone that got him so frustrated but I don't know where things go wrong! He doesn't like to talk about anything that is less than happy, puppies, kittens, and lollipops!

In my opinion (see, there I go with the opinions), Life and marriage are about love, compromise, understanding, and some times situations where you won't always get along! The moment we have a disagreement and I mean the slightest of disagreements he always goes to a very negative place; he says he doesn't understand why I'm so combative (really, combative????, I'm pretty sure that asking if we could go to a 7:30pm movie instead of a 4:00pm movie so that I can finish my laundry is NOT combative).

The fact that he gets so upset about such little things makes me worry about when we have to make big life decisions! I also worry about our ability to have children due to the issues we have in the bedroom.

It makes me feel terrible to say it but I think that I've already started to check out because I am already so exhausted from trying to hard and I don't feel like I see ANY improvement. It's a 1 step forward 10 steps back situation and I feel like I am losing myself! I am a young woman in the prime of my life and I shouldn't feel guilty for having sexual desires and opinions!!

I'm concerned for my future...any advice (if you've been patient enough to make it this far, in this book I have written)

This is grounds for immediate annulment if penetration vaginally has not taken place.

Any court will validate an immediate annulment based on that.

He is sexually maladjusted. He may be asexual, nonsexual or gay or wow, who knows what his problem is?

He is not marriage material.

To an attorney immediately; do not stay with him one moment longer. IF he is deployed or he's overseas, all the better for you. Pack your things and go and immediately get to an attorney.

This is bad news all around.  Wishing you luck.,

And a therapist for you: you need to get this mess out of your system and also find out why you moved so quickly with this piece of garbage. FInd out why you did before you repeat the pattern with another shithead. GL.

PS: Positively no more LDR for you.

Date only guys who you know "up close and personally" and a guy you see on a more or less daily basis.

There is too much at risk here -- how do you know what somebody is really like if it is a long distance relationship? How do you know how he handles the most minor things on a day to day basis?

TarponMonoxide

alwayslookingup said:

Hey contributors!

I really appreciate the advice and input everyone had given and BlueBirdMD your explanation of your experiences with your husband. It really touched me that you thought about my situation enough that you came back again to write some more. I really appreciate that support, and everyone's support. Thank you for taking the time to respond.

I have definitely been thinking about and talking about what it is that led me to make the decision to marry this man. Surprisingly (or maybe not so surprisingly) I was in an even worse relationship before my H and while he and I have only a few issues they are HUGE ones, but before these issues really came to light he was such a stark contrast of what I found myself dealing with previously that I was blinded by the good and even great things about him.

It makes me so sad and angry that I have gotten myself in this situation. I definitely feel in my heart that this is not what I want for the REST OF MY LIFE! A few counseling sessions cannot change a person, when the issues come from so deep within. I want a love that is strong and that can withstand disagreement and withstand the difficult situations that life can and WILL bring our way. I definitely do not have confidence that we can handle these situations together.

We are currently in counseling and had our second session this evening. He seems to want to try and work on things but I think I may be past that point. GilliC, I have to admit that part of me feels like I am failing if I get a divorce, which I think is part of what holds me back. I just don't want to hurt anyone and so often I put myself on the back burner so as not to hurt others. It makes me feel so selfish!

I definitely feel it in my heart that this isn't right and I'm just lost on how to handle things at this point. I do love him and I definitely care about him but this is just not how I imagined my life after "I do".

How in heck can you consider remaining married to a piece of trash who treats you like garbage and who cannot even consummate intercourse with his wife??? You had to beg him to have sex with you??? Lady, are you kidding????

I have said it before and I will say it again: he is gay or has a problem with sexuality.

This is NOT for you. You are incompatible in every area and most particularly sexually.

Get rid of him today. No more counselling.

LD1970

TarponMonoxide said:

This is grounds for immediate annulment if penetration vaginally has not taken place.

Any court will validate an immediate annulment based on that.

Not true, actually.  But OP can definitely get a divorce, and I'd agree that I'd be considering it heavily.

groovylocks

He's an emotional train wreck. Approach it with the understanding that it won't change. 

Can you live with that?