Sexless Marriage, what do I do?!?!

alwayslookingup

While we were dating, my now husband and I did not have a very successful sex life. I am a very sexual person and he is NOT! He is a good man and he means well. We have been married for 5 months now and we are running into a lot of issues. I am finding out personality traits about him that were not there while we dated. He has an anger problem that is pretty ridiculous however, what this post is about is our lack of intimacy. Not just sex, we have ABSOLUTELY NO intimacy!! He is a very attractive man and any time I would try to be flirty or compliment him he would make an inappropriate joke about farts or something. We almost never have sex and when we do no one climaxes, NO ONE! Most times he can't stay erect. He has been to the doctor and has been told he doesn't have ED but we are still having this issue!

I don't feel sexy, I don't feel desired, and I feel extremely sex deprived. Meanwhile, he seems like he couldn't care less that we don't have sex! I know that he isn't having an affair but his lack of interest is very depressing. I am the type of woman who wants to please my man but he does not think pleasing me is a priority. Don't get me wrong, sex isn't everything but it is important. I have always been a very secure person but since being with him I doubt myself and I find myself being self conscious and insecure. He rarely compliments me and has made comments about my weight and my diet (me weight has not changed since I met him). I don't know what to do!! I find myself having sexual thoughts about other men (I KNOW I would never act upon these thoughts) and it makes me feel awful, I feel so guilty. I have been so sex deprived since I met him that I sadly find myself thinking "I bet he'd have sex with me" about random men!!! I am not a promiscuous person by any means. I love being dedicated to one person and one person only however, I am also EXTREMELY sexual!

I talked myself out of my doubts because who wants to be the (pardon my language) bitch who ditches a GOOD man because of sex, but here I am lost, stressed, sad, and legally bound!

Disneygeek77

Sweetie he's not a good man. You need to go.

TarponMonoxide

alwayslookingup said:

While we were dating, my now husband and I did not have a very successful sex life. I am a very sexual person and he is NOT!

so might I inquire why you still pursued a relationship with him if sex is very important to you?

You and that person are either sexually compatible or you are not., No middle ground and sexual incompatibility cannot be repaired. That is how it is.

He is a good man and he means well. We have been married for 5 months now and we are running into a lot of issues. I am finding out personality traits about him that were not there while we dated. He has an anger problem that is pretty ridiculous however, what this post is about is our lack of intimacy.

He is not a good man who means well, then. I suggest you run like hell. This dead relationship isn't for you, nor is a dead in bed man...nor is a guy with anger problems. Run like hell.

Not just sex, we have ABSOLUTELY NO intimacy!! He is a very attractive man and any time I would try to be flirty or compliment him he would make an inappropriate joke about farts or something.

This sounds strange in itself --- he's got some other problem; immaturity or something else or both.

We almost never have sex and when we do no one climaxes, NO ONE! Most times he can't stay erect. He has been to the doctor and has been told he doesn't have ED but we are still having this issue!

There is some other kind of problem here: either he has performance problems, a medical problem (could be the start of a circulatory problem or diabetes or something hormonal or thyroid)  or some other issue.

WOW -- how much sex did you ever have with this guy if you are only seeing this problem now???

This is already a big big mess.

I don't feel sexy, I don't feel desired, and I feel extremely sex deprived. Meanwhile, he seems like he couldn't care less that we don't have sex! I know that he isn't having an affair but his lack of interest is very depressing. I am the type of woman who wants to please my man but he does not think pleasing me is a priority. Don't get me wrong, sex isn't everything but it is important. I have always been a very secure person but since being with him I doubt myself and I find myself being self conscious and insecure. He rarely compliments me and has made comments about my weight and my diet (me weight has not changed since I met him). I don't know what to do!! I find myself having sexual thoughts about other men (I KNOW I would never act upon these thoughts) and it makes me feel awful, I feel so guilty. I have been so sex deprived since I met him that I sadly find myself thinking "I bet he'd have sex with me" about random men!!! I am not a promiscuous person by any means. I love being dedicated to one person and one person only however, I am also EXTREMELY sexual!

I talked myself out of my doubts because who wants to be the (pardon my language) bitch who ditches a GOOD man because of sex, but here I am lost, stressed, sad, and legally bound!

He is NOT -- repeat NOT -- a good man.

Get rid of him and do it ASAP. Anger control problems are nothing to eff around with -- and get rid of him yesterday. I suggest an annulment...

Boyoboy...this place is red hot for briefly married couples who already have a gripload of problems; unfortunately, those problems were heavily prevalent before the wedding and these women never should habe been with these guys in the first place.

doclago

You should have never gotten married to being with. If you were married ina Catholic Church my guess is they will annul fairly easily. 

TarponMonoxide

doclago said:

You should have never gotten married to being with. If you were married ina Catholic Church my guess is they will annul fairly easily. 

"Catholic Church" and "annul fairly easily" are not synonymous.

No such thing as an easy annulment unless you have major moolah. THen anything is possible.  Money talks.

I still can't get over that.

The OP states flat out in her opening sentence that she's very sexual and that their sex life was a flop before marriage.

If sex is important to you, why in the world do you want to be with a guy who needs a fire lit under him? There and then you should have said goodbye to him on the basis you and he were not sexually compatible.

And such a cold fish! Never compliments you???  That also was the same while you were dating. He is unaccommodating in every department.

"Climaxing" and ejaculating are not synonymous in men! It's possible for a guy to have an orgasm and not ejaculate.

If he truly is not ejaculating, he's got a true medical problem and he needs to see a physician. He can't stay erect: it's either physical (circulatory problem, start of diabetes, a thyroid issue or hormonal) or it is psychological -- only a sex therapist can fix this.

You have no recourse here. I can't see why you want to be with this creep -- wow, who DOESN'T compliment his wife???

What do you think he is going to be like if kids get in the picture??? I guarantee you he will be the same standoffish cold fish to your kids, as well. UGH.

I don't think this can be worked out. He's not a good person. Find the door and have him find the street. GL.

doclago

@TarponMonoxide  

>>>"Catholic Church" and "annul fairly easily" are not synonymous.

No such thing as an easy annulment unless you have major moolah. THen anything is possible.  Money talks.<<<<

What you say is a common misconception and one of the topics at the Family Synod Pope Francis has been conducting.  Unfortunately, because it is not a common topic, most Catholics are not well versed in the ins and outs of annulment. 

I've been through it...It doesn't take major money, most diocese don't charge much, if anything. Many also charge based on income and they offer payment plans. The process is shorter than a civil divorce, for the most part.  It really just depends on how long you take to fill out the initial paper work. and how long your witnesses take to file theirs. I won't lie, it's a lot of questions to answer, but it was worth every second. I learned more about myself psychologically in answering those questions than in any pre-cana nonsense.  My annulment took less than a year. My civil divorce took more than 2.

TarponMonoxide

doclago said:

@TarponMonoxide  

>>>"Catholic Church" and "annul fairly easily" are not synonymous.

No such thing as an easy annulment unless you have major moolah. THen anything is possible.  Money talks.<<<<

What you say is a common misconception and one of the topics at the Family Synod Pope Francis has been conducting.  Unfortunately, because it is not a common topic, most Catholics are not well versed in the ins and outs of annulment. 

I've been through it...It doesn't take major money, most diocese don't charge much, if anything. Many also charge based on income and they offer payment plans. The process is shorter than a civil divorce, for the most part.  It really just depends on how long you take to fill out the initial paper work. and how long your witnesses take to file theirs. I won't lie, it's a lot of questions to answer, but it was worth every second. I learned more about myself psychologically in answering those questions than in any pre-cana nonsense.  My annulment took less than a year. My civil divorce took more than 2.

Good for you --- I have never heard of a canon annulment that was resolved in a very short time.

I am not sure I would do it.  I am certain I'd go to another denomination or get a rent a priest to do it --- I still say "God is everywhere" and I don't think he'd take offense if you had some other clergyperson of another denomination conduct the ceremony. Let God be the judge and jury.;)

doclago

gaby2u said:

A good man in a marriage is one who fulfills his duties to his wife.  Excessive anger, refusal to be intimate and denial about needing help is a huge failure of a relationship. 

The fact that these things came up after the marriage, and so quickly, also implies deceit, either intentional or unintentional.  Unless of course, he was abusive, sexually distant, and anger prone during your dating and you ignored it.

If he is unwilling to consent and cooperate in counseling or that counseling does not result in positive changes, I would urge the same thing you have already been told.  Leave.  If things have degraded this fast after only five months it will not improve on its own.  The loneliness will grow and the verbal abuse will escalate, possibly even into physical abuse.

You have to decide which road to travel here.  Are you such committed a Catholic that you are willing to accept their doctrine if it causes you to remain in an abusive relationship?  If he won't get help and you believe he poses a threat to your mental and/or physical health, you need to leave regardless of your commitment to the church. 

Consider this forum a starting point only.  I would not rely on the advice from strangers.  Surround yourself with the support of friends and family.  Be honest with them and seek their help.

We don't know if the poster is religious...it was just a comment I posted to encourage her to realize that she can get out o this relationship fairly easily. Annulments like this would take about a year. It's pretty straight forward I would think, based on my research and experience...but it was just a comment or encouragement.

The Catholic doctrine DOES NOT IN ANY WAY REQUIRE YOU TO STAY IN AN ABUSIVE MARRIAGE....in fact, they encourage you to get out....and if either  is divorced and not annulled from the first marriage the second marriage is not a valid Catholic marriage to begin with...

Civil divorce would be fairly easy as well because he is estranging himself from you. You need to read the divorce laws where you live. 

How long did you know each other before you married?

TarponMonoxide

Could qualify for a civil annulment. He is abusive.