What do I do?

Knottie1440645884

I've been married for a couple of months. First, the good. My husband is my best friend. I love him dearly and we were friends long before getting married. He's funny, kind, generous and treats me well most of the time.

The bad is that he can be pretty shallow at times. He really cares what others think of him--he needs a nice car, the fanciest shoes, and really must have the admiration of others. It's a family trait. They are all successful and like to one up each other. I know this inherently insecurity. My family is much less successful but also embraces internal worth. The way his family worries about what others think exhausts me.

However, I am a firm believer in "accept others with their faults and pray they accept you with yours". We have talked about this issue and he works hard to control that side.

I am by no means perfect. I work hard but my job causes a lot of stress--I'm prone to anxiety--so I have backed off a bit. I definitely could lose 15 lb. I try to dress nicely but I dont have natural style--and frankly it's not always my highest priority. I'm well liked and gregarious though, as he is. We have a lot of friends and are very social.

Soooo....he's very opinionated about what I wear and how I look. If we are going out he will pick my clothes because he wants me to look a certain way. He will veto my outfit. He asks about my weight, eating and exercise nearly everyday. I know that he sees me not only as his partner but in a small way, as his trophy. Evidence of his worth.

Tonight was a breaking point. While at a surprise party for our married couples group at church, I asked the guest of honor if she was happy to be surprised. She laughed and said she was glad she had a nice outfit on. I laughed and recounted a story of when my husband threw a sweet surprise dinner to celebrate my promotion and I was SO surprised that I actually looked like a bum.

That's when he piped up to all present, "Right, as opposed to how wonderful you tonight?" and snickered. Everyone looked embarrassed or surprised. I continued the conversation like nothing had happened but I was mortified.

Nothing I was wearing was terrible. I had skinny jeans with some tears in the knee. a nice black flowy shirt, silver flats, silver layered necklaces. I actually thought I looked nice.

When we got home I had a two minute conversation with him. I told him he embarassed me but, more importantly, made himself look like an ass. He agreed and apologized 10x. I was nice about it, but have been crying on and off since.

I'm not sure the best way to address this behavior but it does need to be dealt with. Suggestions? I'd really appreciate it.

BlueBirdMB

Knottie1440645884 said:

I've been married for a couple of months. First, the good. My husband is my best friend. I love him dearly and we were friends long before getting married. He's funny, kind, generous and treats me well most of the time. The bad is that he can be pretty shallow at times. He really cares what others think of him--he needs a nice car, the fanciest shoes, and really must have the admiration of others. It's a family trait. They are all successful and like to one up each other. I know this inherently insecurity. My family is much less successful but also embraces internal worth. The way his family worries about what others think exhausts me. However, I am a firm believer in "accept others with their faults and pray they accept you with yours". We have talked about this issue and he works hard to control that side. I am by no means perfect. I work hard but my job causes a lot of stress--I'm prone to anxiety--so I have backed off a bit. I definitely could lose 15 lb. I try to dress nicely but I dont have natural style--and frankly it's not always my highest priority. I'm well liked and gregarious though, as he is. We have a lot of friends and are very social. Soooo....he's very opinionated about what I wear and how I look. If we are going out he will pick my clothes because he wants me to look a certain way. He will veto my outfit. He asks about my weight, eating and exercise nearly everyday. I know that he sees me not only as his partner but in a small way, as his trophy. Evidence of his worth. Tonight was a breaking point. While at a surprise party for our married couples group at church, I asked the guest of honor if she was happy to be surprised. She laughed and said she was glad she had a nice outfit on. I laughed and recounted a story of when my husband threw a sweet surprise dinner to celebrate my promotion and I was SO surprised that I actually looked like a bum. That's when he piped up to all present, "Right, as opposed to how wonderful you tonight?" and snickered. Everyone looked embarrassed or surprised. I continued the conversation like nothing had happened but I was mortified. Nothing I was wearing was terrible. I had skinny jeans with some tears in the knee. a nice black flowy shirt, silver flats, silver layered necklaces. I actually thought I looked nice. When we got home I had a two minute conversation with him. I told him he embarassed me but, more importantly, made himself look like an ass. He agreed and apologized 10x. I was nice about it, but have been crying on and off since. I'm not sure the best way to address this behavior but it does need to be dealt with. Suggestions? I'd really appreciate it.

What an ass.  He sounds incredibly controlling and you sound insecure, which is probably why you allow yourself to controlled.  Ok, I help my husband pick out his work outfits, but it's because he asks me to help him- I would never demand to pick out his clothes or veto an outfit.  That gives me the creeps.

He shouldn't be commenting on your appearance in a negative way at all.  He's doing it to demean you.  And to do it from of other people?  I'd kill him.

Ask him if he really doesn't like how you look, why the hell did he marry you?  He seems to be embarrassed of you, so what standard is it that you can't seem to measure of to in his book?

englishtrish1

My DH has a great eye for clothes and has often purchased knock out outfits for me, but he would never criticize anything I picked out myself or even think of vetoing an outfit.

I would have a Come to Jesus talk about his behavior, not only were you embarrassed, you were also hurt, neither of which are acceptable. He didn't make himself look like an ass, he showed himself for the ass he is.

TarponMonoxide

There is a not so fine line between "nice guy" and controlling!

Knottie1440645884 said:

I've been married for a couple of months. First, the good. My husband is my best friend. I love him dearly and we were friends long before getting married. He's funny, kind, generous and treats me well most of the time. The bad is that he can be pretty shallow at times. He really cares what others think of him--he needs a nice car, the fanciest shoes, and really must have the admiration of others. It's a family trait. They are all successful and like to one up each other. I know this inherently insecurity. My family is much less successful but also embraces internal worth. The way his family worries about what others think exhausts me. However, I am a firm believer in "accept others with their faults and pray they accept you with yours". We have talked about this issue and he works hard to control that side. I am by no means perfect. I work hard but my job causes a lot of stress--I'm prone to anxiety--so I have backed off a bit. I definitely could lose 15 lb. I try to dress nicely but I dont have natural style--and frankly it's not always my highest priority. I'm well liked and gregarious though, as he is. We have a lot of friends and are very social.

Soooo....he's very opinionated about what I wear and how I look. If we are going out he will pick my clothes because he wants me to look a certain way. He will veto my outfit.

He asks about my weight, eating and exercise nearly everyday. I know that he sees me not only as his partner but in a small way, as his trophy. Evidence of his worth.

Tonight was a breaking point. While at a surprise party for our married couples group at church, I asked the guest of honor if she was happy to be surprised. She laughed and said she was glad she had a nice outfit on.

I laughed and recounted a story of when my husband threw a sweet surprise dinner to celebrate my promotion and I was SO surprised that I actually looked like a bum. That's when he piped up to all present, "Right, as opposed to how wonderful you tonight?" and snickered. Everyone looked embarrassed or surprised. I continued the conversation like nothing had happened but I was mortified.

Nothing I was wearing was terrible. I had skinny jeans with some tears in the knee. a nice black flowy shirt, silver flats, silver layered necklaces. I actually thought I looked nice. When we got home I had a two minute conversation with him. I told him he embarassed me but, more importantly, made himself look like an ass. He agreed and apologized 10x. I was nice about it, but have been crying on and off since. I'm not sure the best way to address this behavior but it does need to be dealt with. Suggestions? I'd really appreciate it.

How well did you know this guy before you married him?

This cannot be new behavior. Can't be.

He is not a nice guy. Being concerned for your health, yeah --- all fine and good -- that is one thing --- but that is not what is happening here.

He is controlling and none of that bodes well.

He has no right to tell you what to wear, how you should look or what you should eat or how you should exercise.

I strongly suggest counseling for him, stat --- behavior like this can escalate into verbal and physical abuse.

He cannot continue this behavior; You are his wife and not a possession.


And if this is one of those congregations that fully supports the "the man is king of his castle" approach and more or less puts the seal of approval on this kind of mess, find another place of worship. This doesn't bode well for a marriage; you are partners, not possessions. GL.

LD1970

He's an ass, and I don't like him.  I'd never have married him, and I'd be tempted to punch him in the face.

simplyelise

Every time I comment on one of these I have essentially the same advice: Get into counseling now. 

This behavior is seriously problematic. Wanting to be more active as a couple or encouraging and making healthy meals is fine. Asking you what you ate and how you exercised is obsessive and controlling. Being concerned if a spouse loses enthusiasm for putting on real clothes (not pajamas) and getting out of the house is normal. Criticizing your appearance in front of others is atrocious. It's such a breach of your trust.

He is probably apologizing for saying it, but the underlying problem is that he is thinking that, probably on the regular. I gained about 10-15 pounds in this past year, my first year of marriage, and if my husband wasn't kind and supportive and complimenting about my appearance, I would be devastated. 

Get into counseling asap. Controlling behaviors are a huge red flag.

Disneygeek77

If he truly wants to be respected and admired, then he needs to focus on his character and not his shoes.  I'm talking about kindness, consideration, loyalty, empathy and truthfulness.  Trust me, people noticed how he treated you and I can guarantee you have a lot of people's sympathy right now ( you certainly have mine).   Does he really want to the " that guy " ?  The one who has nice clothes but treats his wife like crap ?  The guy whose wife everyone feels sorry for ?  I know men and women at my church like that and trust me, no one admires them or wants to be like them.  Honestly, most people can barely stand their presence.  

He is getting noticed but for all the wrong reasons and yes he does see you as less than human and as a trophy. Oh and if he only apologized after you saying something to him about it, then he truly isn't sorry.  He should have known how wrong he was the instant those words left his mouth.

VOR

I can't ditto disneygeek enough.  Sure, people notice him.  But admire???  Eh, probably not so much.  He wants people to be JEALOUS of him and all his material possessions.

If he wanted admiration, then he'd treat you and others like gold. 

People don't admire fancy cars and shoes.  They really don't.

Disneygeek77

Exactly, no one gives a crap about nice clothes or fancy shoes.  A girl at my church used to treat her husband the same way.  Yeah I guess she might have had a designer purse or two, but what everyone talked about was how they felt so sorry for her husband.  

catsareniice1

I could never be with a shallow person. Wow! He has some nerve!! The fact that he asks you what you ate for the day and what you did for exercise is his way to not only control you but his way to put you down as well. He is on a high horse and needs to get off it like yesterday!