Relationships
MMintzer91
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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
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Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Wedding fever, is this normal?
In the next three months, we have three weddings to go to. It seems like I have hit that age where everyone is getting engaged, married or having a baby... While I am trying to buy a house with my boyfriend and enjoying our lives together with our little peanut (Eleanor, our boston terrier puppy). We have been dating for a year and a half, we had a thing for each other a few years before we got together but we drifted apart. He is 28 and I am 23. I have never wanted to spend my life with anyone more than I do with him.
With all of these weddings and seeing people getting engaged, I can't help but wonder when it will be my turn. We have talked about it before and are on the same page (marriage in our future), I have looked at rings and mentioned things that I like. His mom and I are close and she has told me that he wants to get me something (engagement ring) that is special.
Over the weekend, my mom and I were looking at some of her old jewelry and we found some of her rings that my dad had given her (her first wedding ring and the upgrades). She told me that she wouldn't mind if John (my BF) and I wanted to make a ring out of her rings and my grandfathers ring. But how do I tell him this without freaking him out?
I know that my wedding fever is just going to be fueled more when we actually attend them (he is a groomsman in one). I wonder if he thinks about it as much as I do? Is this normal to feel this way? I just don't want to pressure him in any way... I just love him so much. I know that getting engaged/married is not the start of our lives together, we live together now, have a puppy that is our fur baby and are looking for a house to purchase together.
Re: Wedding fever, is this normal?
Personally, I wouldn't live with a man unless we married only because they say it increases your chance of a future divorce. It doesn't make sense to me. I read it in a couple of magazines or online.
Enjoy being together. Don't get caught up in "but everyone else is doing it!!". That's so not a reason to get married!!! I've seen people do it and you know what? They end up divorced.
It's hard. I get it. Like I said, I was with DH a long time before we got married. It's hard to see people getting married when you want to also. BUT you've got to let it happen w/ you and your BF when ( and if) it works for the two of you. No one else.
As for the ring situation, if it doesn't come up again with him asking you about rings, consider which friend of yours he might go to for ring advice and make sure they are aware of the option of using your family rings. I don't think there is anything wrong with sharing ring ideas with your bf, but only AFTER you know you are on the same page. If he says he really wants to be dating for 3 years before popping the question (and you are okay with that), then continuing to show him ring ideas this far before that point would probably be a no-no.
That ring and its diamonds are going to be part of your inheritance. A ring is often handed down from a mother to a daughter (as it was in my family; that ring is breathtaking and no way did I use it when I got engaged; he purchased the ring)
If the ring was from his grandmother or his mother -- and he wants to give it to you --- that's another story: he'd feel free to give it....
Plus I believe you are jumping the gun and moving way too fast.
I agree with the other poster who said Don't buy a home with somebody who is not your spouse.
Reason being that if the 2 of you break up if you are both not yet married to each other and the deed is in both your names it can turn into quite the legal mess.
You would have to have the home partitioned off: he buys you out for your half, you buy him out for his or you sell the home and the both of you split the proceeds.
If you eventually married and the 2 of you own a home together, you would definitely need a prenup. Reason being you need to decide before you are married how the house would be attended to if you got divorced.
The only way to find out if marriage is imminent:
Sit down with your BF and have a talk.
This is a year and a half down the line and I think you are too young to marry --- you're only 23 and this apparently is the first serious boyfriend you have.
I would wait at least another year and then talk to him...and if he cannot and will not set a date there and then, you need to decide what direction you wish to go into.
In the interim:
DO NOT buy a home with him or make an important purchase with him. You need to see where you stand before you can do any of that.
In one of these conversations, I mentioned that I have a beautiful family ring I wanted to use as my engagement ring. H, unfortunately, wasn't ok with that. It was important to him to buy a ring himself. I love the ring he chose, so it all worked out. My point is, you just need to have awkward conversations with your partner sometimes. It will come up again with kids, parenting, getting older, etc.
My H and I were together for 13 years before we got engaged. Quite frankly, there were a few times I seriously considered ending things because of the no proposal. We very occasionally talked about it...usually me bringing it up...and it was never a "no", it was a "yeah, I do want to marry you someday," and more years would pass, lol. I resigned myself to the fact that it may never happen and made my peace with that. It's a much longer story than that, but not needed for this discussion.
At any rate, 18 months is really not that crazy long to be dating someone and I suggest a bit of patience. People come to those kind of life decisions at different paces and he may just not quite be there yet. You mentioned the subject has been brought up before. The next time it is...mention your mom's offer.
One day, my H told me he wanted to go engagement ring shopping. You could have knocked me over with a feather, lol. So we went shopping, but more for ideas. I mentioned it to my mom and she offered her wedding ring set from my dad (she is widowed). I thought about it first and decided that, if H was cool with it, I would like my mom's set. Then I had a discussion with him about it and we decided to go that route. However, she lives super far from us, so he still bought a CZ ring to propose to me with. I wore that engagement ring right up until our wedding. I wear my wedding set now, but I still love that "costume" jewelry engagement ring and often wear it on my right hand.
I think a perfect opportunity to bring up the marriage timeline is because you all want to buy a house. Everyone on this board and everyone on the MM board all recommended you wait until you are married before buying a house together.
In fact, I bought a house 4 years ago, before I married my H. We had been living together for 11 years at that point. I flat out told him I was ready to buy a house but didn't want to buy one with him until we were married, so I was just going to buy it myself. And that was exactly what I did. Down payment was all mine, qualified all by myself, and paid all the mortgage payments with my money...though he did pay me rent and for half the bills before we got married. And I could have made the mortgage payments myself without his help if something crazy had happened and we had broken up.
I told my husband while we were dating: I do want to get married. I do want kids. I do want this life. I do want to have this life with you. I was able to talk to him about it.
Work on talking to him about marriage, wedding rings, ideas for the future. If it scares him away, then he isn't ready and you can move on without wasting your time. This stuff is scary. So is talking about each other families when they meddle, friends, etc. You have to do it and not shy away from it. You have to learn to develop a united front.
Best of luck on your journey!