To go or not to go

vlagrl29

I guess I see a difference in party types.  We had a backyard bbq party last month - we provided meat, buns, drink - others brought either appetizer or dessert or their preferred drink.  BUT to me if its a special type of party - wedding/baby shower, halloween party - the host should provide it all.  Just my opinion and I live in Missouri where we had a cash bar lol.

ETA - I just remembered we did provide kegs of beer at no cost to our guests, but we had 2 specialty drinks that were charged for.  Sorry we were on a budget.

formerlyGDaisy09

Agreed @hoffse cash bars are terrible. H's sister had a cash bar at her wedding (well her parents really made the decision), it was awful, I think H and I spent $6 at the bar to have one bud-light each (blech) and since we were both in the wedding party and it had been a long (dry) day, we took the earliest appropriate opportunity to leave. 

Our wedding was open bar, we did only offer wine and beer, but there was a good variety of each, and a hard cider option that many that generally preferred mixed drinks took advantage of. there was definitely a 20% gratuity built into our bar-bill. 

I guess I'm generally of the thought that throwing a party is a "want" and if you want to have a party you should be prepaired to pay for it. 

jtmh2012

vlagrl29 said:

I guess I see a difference in party types.  We had a backyard bbq party last month - we provided meat, buns, drink - others brought either appetizer or dessert or their preferred drink.

We do this all the time and never had a problem.  It's normal around here at least in our social circles.

We also had a cash bar at our wedding.  Also normal in our social circles.  We had a packed room until the end of the night.

blondie42107

@Erikan73
Could you do something like this?

http://www.thejoyoffashionblog.com/2013/10/easy-halloween-costume-scarecrow.html?m=1

julieanne912

jtmh2012 said:

vlagrl29 said:

I guess I see a difference in party types.  We had a backyard bbq party last month - we provided meat, buns, drink - others brought either appetizer or dessert or their preferred drink.

We do this all the time and never had a problem.  It's normal around here at least in our social circles.

We also had a cash bar at our wedding.  Also normal in our social circles.  We had a packed room until the end of the night.

Every wedding in our circle we went to had a cash bar.  Still doesn't mean it's right to have one.  

ETA: Except our wedding. We received many compliments later about how awesome it was that we had open bar.  And no, nobody got shitfaced beyond recognition, or acted belligerent, or any other problems people falsely attribute to open bars (including my own mother).  Maybe our group is just champion drinkers, but even the bartenders mentioned to me at the end how great all of our guests were.  

als1982

formerlyGDaisy09 said:

Agreed @hoffse cash bars are terrible. H's sister had a cash bar at her wedding (well her parents really made the decision), it was awful, I think H and I spent $6 at the bar to have one bud-light each (blech) and since we were both in the wedding party and it had been a long (dry) day, we took the earliest appropriate opportunity to leave. 

Our wedding was open bar, we did only offer wine and beer, but there was a good variety of each, and a hard cider option that many that generally preferred mixed drinks took advantage of. there was definitely a 20% gratuity built into our bar-bill. 

I guess I'm generally of the thought that throwing a party is a "want" and if you want to have a party you should be prepaired to pay for it. 

I agree with this completely. I'm also totally completely fine and happy with dry weddings at any time of the day for any reason, whether the couple can't afford to properly host alcohol or they abstain for religious or other reasons.

But seriously, don't host a party and expect your guests to pay; for anything. And the small town thing is a total cop-out. I'm from a small town. Rural America gets a bad rap as it is without sweeping generalizations about basic etiquette being ignored in these parts of the country.

cbee817

The only parties we host over the last 5 years have been birthday parties for the girls- obviously we provide everything for that. 

Our solution for a cheaper bar at the wedding was beer and wine only- it was a Sunday afternoon outdoor wedding (ceremony in a cherry tree orchard, reception in an old barn) so we didn't really see hard liquor as necessary. It was a pretty nontraditional wedding though- we didn't have a wedding party, DH and I walked down the aisle together, and we had an ipod for music. We also wore flip flops (nice ones from JCrew of course) and my mom made my wedding dress- wouldn't change a single thing though. It was awesome! 

formerlyGDaisy09

als1982 said:

Agreed @hoffse cash bars are terrible. H's sister had a cash bar at her wedding (well her parents really made the decision), it was awful, I think H and I spent $6 at the bar to have one bud-light each (blech) and since we were both in the wedding party and it had been a long (dry) day, we took the earliest appropriate opportunity to leave. 

Our wedding was open bar, we did only offer wine and beer, but there was a good variety of each, and a hard cider option that many that generally preferred mixed drinks took advantage of. there was definitely a 20% gratuity built into our bar-bill. 

I guess I'm generally of the thought that throwing a party is a "want" and if you want to have a party you should be prepaired to pay for it. 

I agree with this completely. I'm also totally completely fine and happy with dry weddings at any time of the day for any reason, whether the couple can't afford to properly host alcohol or they abstain for religious or other reasons. But seriously, don't host a party and expect your guests to pay; for anything. And the small town thing is a total cop-out. I'm from a small town. Rural America gets a bad rap as it is without sweeping generalizations about basic etiquette being ignored in these parts of the country.

Grew up in a small town. Currently live in a small rural community. just because this type of hosting happens, or is maybe prevalent, doesn't make it OK etiquette-wise. I would never tell any of the hosts of these events that I've avoided or hesitantly attended that I was offended by their style of hosting (that would also be considered rude), doesn't mean I was OK with it. 

dragonstarjk

Well this thread went down a rabbit hole rather quickly

I think if you really want to go and the only thing holding you back is costumes, you should definitely go.  H and I are not big into costumes, but a friend of ours hosts a big party every year and we usually go.  I refuse to spend more than a few bucks on something we will only wear once so we try to come up with things that we already have the stuff for.  Last year we went as nerds.  The year before that, we went as tourists.  Both were free and people thought they were hilarious.

As far as potluck/hosting goes, I can't imagine ever going to a party and not at least offering to bring something.  That's just what we do around here.  I think if everybody is doing potlucks and is used to it, it's not offensive in the slightest.  When we have parties, we usually provide main dish and drinks and ask people to bring a dish.  If I'm hosting a party for somebody else, like a baby shower, I'll either pay for the whole thing or ask a few close friends/family members to bring something, but I don't ask all of the guests.

Cash bars--meh.  I've been to very few weddings that didn't have a cash bar, so again, I guess it's just not offensive around here.  I didn't want a cash bar for our wedding, so we paid for beer, wine, and a signature cocktail.  However, there was a full bar set up, so guests could still buy something else if they preferred.  I forbade the bartender from setting up a tip jar and we paid the tip for the whole night.

maple2

If you otherwise want to go to the party and the costume is the only thing holding you back, I would definitely try to come up with something out of your closet. I went as a road worker once--carhartts, orange vest, and a homemade stop sign. My friend dressed as a tree--brown pants, green shirt, and twigs stuck in her hair. It's okay to wear a lame costume, if you think you'll have a good time.

I'm intrigued by all these party etiquette rules! We have an annual outdoor party where we provide a first round of drinks, something on the grill, some appetizers, and a dessert, but it's definitely not enough food and drink for everyone for the whole night. We absolutely rely on people bringing something to share. I'm pretty used to parties where everyone chips in, so I've never questioned whether we were doing something wrong. No one has ever said anything negative, but are they all secretly judging us? 

julieanne912

maple2 said:

If you otherwise want to go to the party and the costume is the only thing holding you back, I would definitely try to come up with something out of your closet. I went as a road worker once--carhartts, orange vest, and a homemade stop sign. My friend dressed as a tree--brown pants, green shirt, and twigs stuck in her hair. It's okay to wear a lame costume, if you think you'll have a good time.

I'm intrigued by all these party etiquette rules! We have an annual outdoor party where we provide a first round of drinks, something on the grill, some appetizers, and a dessert, but it's definitely not enough food and drink for everyone for the whole night. We absolutely rely on people bringing something to share. I'm pretty used to parties where everyone chips in, so I've never questioned whether we were doing something wrong. No one has ever said anything negative, but are they all secretly judging us? 

I feel like for an outdoor BBQ type party, potluck is totally fine, especially since you do provide some food and drinks.  I think when a host relies on the guests to bring EVERYTHING is when it's not OK.  

csuave

I went to a Halloween party the other year where most people had costumes but not everyone.  One woman wore a pretty black dress and black hose.  She then accessorized with a few plastic spiders and some exaggerated eye makeup.  I thought the "festive look" was a nice compromise between costume and no costume.

Along those lines another option could be to wear an orange shirt and put some Jack o Lantern decorations on it.

A Panda might be pretty easy to do too with regular clothes and some paper accents.

short+sassy

Okay, so not for a person.  But I dress up my cat every year as a "black" cat.

She is normally dark brown/black with gray striping.  I bought an infant's black t-shirt and then safety pinned the shoulder area so it fits her better.  You would think she doesn't like wearing it but, once it is on, she doesn't even notice it.

Not much costume love on the board!  Although I can understand that point of view, I've always thought Halloween is so fun because it is an opportunity to wear something different for a day.

I actually have an embarrassing number of costumes, considering Halloween is only one day a year, lol.  Though one of them I also wear to Renaissance fairs and, in NOLA, a lot of people dress in costume for Mardi Gras also.

brij2006

Haha.  It's funny how this conversation changed.

The small town thing wasn't a cop out.  It just goes to show how different social circles view things differently.  We aren't too terribly far from Chicago where it's an etiquette no-no to have a cash bar, yet we're 2.5 hours away from there and people weren't sure what to do at our wedding with an open bar because it isn't common. 

vlagrl29

Just my personal opinion but I think it's pretty petty to think cash bars are so horrible no matter what circle you are in.  Now if the food was shitty that's a different story.

hoffse

vlagrl29 said:

Just my personal opinion but I think it's pretty petty to think cash bars are so horrible no matter what circle you are in.  Now if the food was shitty that's a different story.

Maybe it is petty, but that's how I feel.  I had literally never heard of a cash bar until TK, and I had never personally encountered one until we were engaged.  Even our law school keg parties that happened every single Friday during the school year were hosted with free drinks.

I've been to one wedding with one and maybe two or three other non-wedding events with one.  I have to go to that kind of stuff fairly often for my job - usually at least a couple events a month - so I've seen a lot of variations on the way events get hosted around here.  Those very few events with cash bars threw me off each time, and quite a few of the guests (including us) didn't have cash to partake each time it happened, because it's just so rare around here.  All of those parties ended earlier than planned.  

When I say I hate cash bars it's because it's always a surprise. If that info was communicated beforehand, it would probably annoy me a little because it's not what I'm used to, but at least I would know to hit the ATM before arriving.  Or if I lived in a part of the world where I knew to expect it, that would just be part of the budget consideration when deciding whether to attend an event or not. 

formerlyGDaisy09

hoffse said:

vlagrl29 said:

Just my personal opinion but I think it's pretty petty to think cash bars are so horrible no matter what circle you are in.  Now if the food was shitty that's a different story.

Maybe it is petty, but that's how I feel.  I had literally never heard of a cash bar until TK, and I had never personally encountered one until we were engaged.  Even our law school keg parties that happened every single Friday during the school year were hosted with free drinks.

I've been to one wedding with one and maybe two or three other non-wedding events with one.  I have to go to that kind of stuff fairly often for my job - usually at least a couple events a month - so I've seen a lot of variations on the way events get hosted around here.  Those very few events with cash bars threw me off each time, and quite a few of the guests (including us) didn't have cash to partake each time it happened, because it's just so rare around here.  All of those parties ended earlier than planned.  

When I say I hate cash bars it's because it's always a surprise. If that info was communicated beforehand, it would probably annoy me a little because it's not what I'm used to, but at least I would know to hit the ATM before arriving.  Or if I lived in a part of the world where I knew to expect it, that would just be part of the budget consideration when deciding whether to attend an event or not. 

This is a big part of it. most events, especially weddings around here, there would be absolutely no reason for guests to arrive at the event with cash. I mean, weddings are expensive enough to attend as a guest (clothing, travel, hotel, wedding gift...).  

Xstatic3333

I think this is where the circle-by-circle thing comes in (I won't say regional because I'm not that far from @formerlyGDaisy09 and clearly our norms are pretty different). I now full accept that cash bars are not correct etiquette, but I literally would never have known that if I hadn't joined TK. It wouldn't have occurred to me because it's all I've known. And, true confessions time, there was some alcohol available for purchase at my own wedding despite the time I spent on that site. Our venue refused to put away hard alcohol, and my parents (the hosts) didn't want a full open bar even if H and I paid for it. Yes, technically, after I read what I did on TK I could have thrown away my parents' venue deposit (already paid at my first E board visit) and declined their offer to host but the net harm that would have done to our relationship with them seemed worse than leaving people the option to purchase cocktails. It's not something I'm proud of but it happened. H's family still gave us crap for "throwing our money around" for hosting what we did, so you truly can't win sometimes.

I can totally understand that if its unheard of in your circle it could be frustrating to be blindsided. And I do agree open is correct, it's just not something I get torn up about, even at full cash bar weddings. Now, if there's not enough chairs, that's when I become a wedding grouch...

vlagrl29

Xstatic3333 said:

I think this is where the circle-by-circle thing comes in (I won't say regional because I'm not that far from @formerlyGDaisy09 and clearly our norms are pretty different). I now full accept that cash bars are not correct etiquette, but I literally would never have known that if I hadn't joined TK. It wouldn't have occurred to me because it's all I've known. And, true confessions time, there was some alcohol available for purchase at my own wedding despite the time I spent on that site. Our venue refused to put away hard alcohol, and my parents (the hosts) didn't want a full open bar even if H and I paid for it. Yes, technically, after I read what I did on TK I could have thrown away my parents' venue deposit (already paid at my first E board visit) and declined their offer to host but the net harm that would have done to our relationship with them seemed worse than leaving people the option to purchase cocktails. It's not something I'm proud of but it happened. H's family still gave us crap for "throwing our money around" for hosting what we did, so you truly can't win sometimes. I can totally understand that if its unheard of in your circle it could be frustrating to be blindsided. And I do agree open is correct, it's just not something I get torn up about, even at full cash bar weddings. Now, if there's not enough chairs, that's when I become a wedding grouch…

well we probably all have our wedding hills to die on and mine would be not hiring a real dj and using an iPod instead especially for the evening receptions.  The party will never get started and no one will dance.

Xstatic3333

I hear that @vlagrl29! Though my at my cousin's wedding last weekend they kept it low key and just didn't have dancing, and that I was fine with.

vlagrl29

also outdoor weddings when it's super hot or cold outside - I'm talking July and November outdoor weddings.  I already turned a wedding down to play at because it was the weekend before Thanksgiving and it was at a farm outdoors.  That's just horrible on our instruments not to mention our hands freeze up.  I just don't get why people put their guests thru that.

formerlyGDaisy09

vlagrl29 said:

also outdoor weddings when it's super hot or cold outside - I'm talking July and November outdoor weddings.  I already turned a wedding down to play at because it was the weekend before Thanksgiving and it was at a farm outdoors.  That's just horrible on our instruments not to mention our hands freeze up.  I just don't get why people put their guests thru that.

I don't know our July wedding would have been better outside than it was inside, it was 105 degrees out...and the historic church we had the ceremony in was so hot (my brother stood-up once and all I remember thinking was "oh my god, he sweat through his suit-jacket"). fortunately our ceremony was less than 20 minutes long, started right on time, and we didn't do a receiving line (instead we took a big group photo on the church steps), so we got everyone in and out of the church quickly. and then everyone took full advantage of the cold beer at the bar  

jtmh2012

vlagrl29 said:

also outdoor weddings when it's super hot or cold outside - I'm talking July and November outdoor weddings.  I already turned a wedding down to play at because it was the weekend before Thanksgiving and it was at a farm outdoors.  That's just horrible on our instruments not to mention our hands freeze up.  I just don't get why people put their guests thru that.

I had a friend who got married in June in the middle of the day at the local botanical gardens in a clearing.  And it wasn't even casual dress.  So everyone is there in formal wear sweating to death.  At least it was somewhat of a short ceremony.

hoffse

I once attended a wedding where the entire church was invited with no RSVP.  So over 700 people showed up to a reception venue that had fire code for 500 (standing room) and could seat no more than 350.  I know because I used the same venue for our reception.

The hosts apparently told the venue that they were going to have 350, so the venue put out chairs.  But when 700+ showed up, they ran out of chairs and they ran out of food.  The wedding was also dry, but they even ran out of iced tea for a short time while they had to make more.

Then the music was DJ'd, but it was apparently some retrospective of all the bride's favorite hits growing up.  So you literally had disney music paired with rap.  Out of the 700+ who were there, I would say less than 20 people danced.

It was truly awful. I'll be honest, "etiquette" breaches don't always bug me as much as they used to on TK.  I really don't mind dollar dances.  I don't mind Catholic gaps. I wouldn't mind cash bars as much if I knew to expect them in advance.  But not having any RSVP system whatsoever so you literally have no possible clue how many are going to show up was one of the worst planning decisions I have ever seen at a wedding.

vlagrl29

jtmh2012 said:

vlagrl29 said:

also outdoor weddings when it's super hot or cold outside - I'm talking July and November outdoor weddings.  I already turned a wedding down to play at because it was the weekend before Thanksgiving and it was at a farm outdoors.  That's just horrible on our instruments not to mention our hands freeze up.  I just don't get why people put their guests thru that.

I had a friend who got married in June in the middle of the day at the local botanical gardens in a clearing.  And it wasn't even casual dress.  So everyone is there in formal wear sweating to death.  At least it was somewhat of a short ceremony.

I can't tell you how many weddings I've been to (july/august) specifically outdoor weddings where the men were wearing the full tuxedo.  I felt so bad for them.

TarponMonoxide

Nobody goes as something with items and clothes they have at home?

Halloween is over but there are tons of costumes you can think of with a little ingenuity and imagination!

Cowboys, scarecrows, you go as a guy and he goes as a girl (borrow each other's clothes for this one), beatniks, hippies --- to name a few.