No "L word" after 6 months

sambou

I have been dating my boyfriend for a little over 6 months.  He has yet to say "I love you"...and it really concerns me.  So far, in the relationship, things have progressed quite slowly.  We are 29 and 34 and have both been divorced for a few years, and we each have a child from the previous relationships.  Eventually, after months of dating, we met each other's kids, they met each other, and we met families.  We've mentioned the future..possible marriage, that we both want more kids, etc.  Everything is great, it really is.  We live about an hour away from each other though, and because of work schedules usually see each other on weekends and try to see each other during the week at least once.  But its hard to see each other more than that.  We talk or text regularly.  He does little things that show he loves me.  He mentioned once a couple of months ago that "there is something he wants to say to me, but he's scared" because "its been a long time"...and that "Its coming."  I assume he meant the L word...I don't know what else it could be.  But recently when I mentioned it, he said he just isn't ready yet.  I have said it once, and he replied with "please don't be mad if I don't say it back right away."  So I haven't said it again, because I don't want to make him feel uncomfortable...and its been really hard to not say it.  I don't really want to think too much into the fact that he hasn't said it yet, because he shows it.  But my friends always put ideas in my head, and say that its weird and we've been dating long enough.  Is this unusual?  I mean, we're both older and have been thru a lot in past relationships, so I understand his apprehensiveness.  I just need some unbiased advice.  How long do I wait before I really reflect on the relationship?

Erikan73

There is no set time on how long to wait. He will say it when he's ready. Depending on things were with his marriage, he probably has some pretty big walls to break down. And with the limited time you have together, it takes time to break them down, even if you talk every day.

What I would ask yourself at this point, if he were to say I love you, what next? You mentioned that you've both talked about wanting more kids and marriage. But if that next step comes up, what would you do about location? Would you uproot you and your child & move to his town? Or would you both move to a point in the middle of both your jobs? While you're waiting, start thinking about that. I'm not saying don't move or to move. But just figure out, if this relationship progresses, what is next. Because if you get married, one or both of you has to move. Which impacts possible jobs, schools, friends, activities, and even support system from family.

short+sassy

I personally would not be very concerned about that, at this point.  Love means very different things to different people.  Maybe to him, "love=ready to marry and/or forever".  Whereas most people don't set the "love bar" quite that high (or not even close to that high).  Some people, sounds like your b/f, are almost terrified of that word and it takes a long time to overcome that fear.  I've actually had a few b/fs, including my now H, who took about that long (or longer) to say it. 

sambou

Well we've briefly talked about who would move where, as well. I just built a house in the town where I live and he rents a house in his town. He works close to where I live though..his work is actually our halfway point. So to move where I am, he really wouldn't have to uproot anything. He would still be as close to his job as he is now. His child primarily lives with his mother, so it isn't like he would need to move schools for him if he came towards me. We agreed we aren't ready to move in yet, but that eventually it will be something to look in to. He knows that since I just built a house, I wouldn't be looking to move out quite yet.

sambou

Thanks for making me feel a little better, ladies!! I think I should try to ignore the comments from some of my friends..they tend to make me overthink things that shouldn't even be an issue. He's just not ready. I need to work on learning patience!

TarponMonoxide

sambou said:

I have been dating my boyfriend for a little over 6 months.  He has yet to say "I love you"...and it really concerns me.  So far, in the relationship, things have progressed quite slowly.  We are 29 and 34 and have both been divorced for a few years, and we each have a child from the previous relationships.  Eventually, after months of dating, we met each other's kids, they met each other, and we met families.  We've mentioned the future..possible marriage, that we both want more kids, etc.  Everything is great, it really is.  We live about an hour away from each other though, and because of work schedules usually see each other on weekends and try to see each other during the week at least once.  But its hard to see each other more than that.  We talk or text regularly.  He does little things that show he loves me.  He mentioned once a couple of months ago that "there is something he wants to say to me, but he's scared" because "its been a long time"...and that "Its coming."  I assume he meant the L word...I don't know what else it could be.  But recently when I mentioned it, he said he just isn't ready yet.  I have said it once, and he replied with "please don't be mad if I don't say it back right away."  So I haven't said it again, because I don't want to make him feel uncomfortable...and its been really hard to not say it.  I don't really want to think too much into the fact that he hasn't said it yet, because he shows it.  But my friends always put ideas in my head, and say that its weird and we've been dating long enough.  Is this unusual?  I mean, we're both older and have been thru a lot in past relationships, so I understand his apprehensiveness.  I just need some unbiased advice.  How long do I wait before I really reflect on the relationship?

Give this more time.:)

Sometimes guys really are funny about expressing affection and love, especially if they grew up in a home where it was one of these families that are "like that" too.

I don't think it's weird at all.

Actions speak louder than words --- if he has good character and goes out of his way to make sure you are more than happy, you have yourself a keeper.

I would give it about another more year --- see what happens. GL.

sambou

Thanks Tarponmonoxide! Now that you mention it, his family is a little different. I seriously doubt they were a very affectionate family when they were growing up, like mine was. I'll try to think of positive things and quit stewing over this. I do have one friend who tells me to be patient. I agree with her when she says it'll be all that more special when he does finally decide to say it. Hes a great guy..sort of quiet, but wonderful and a great dad. My child loves him. As far as going out of his way to make me happy, it's hard when we only see each other once a week. But I can tell he tries.

Thanks for the advice.

TarponMonoxide

sambou said:

Thanks Tarponmonoxide! Now that you mention it, his family is a little different. I seriously doubt they were a very affectionate family when they were growing up, like mine was. I'll try to think of positive things and quit stewing over this. I do have one friend who tells me to be patient. I agree with her when she says it'll be all that more special when he does finally decide to say it. Hes a great guy..sort of quiet, but wonderful and a great dad. My child loves him. As far as going out of his way to make me happy, it's hard when we only see each other once a week. But I can tell he tries. Thanks for the advice.

Although I think it is a tad early to bring a kiddo into the picture --- you definitely should have waited until about a year into the relationship --- but what's done is done.  (all kids form attachments and they tend to be strongest when kids are under 6 --- plus you need to know if the guy is there to stay, not a fly by night, dependable, etc)

sambou

Yeah, that was one thing we were both super careful about. We did wait about 5 months to meet the kids. I met his, then he met mine, then they met each other. That was another thing I wasn't sure about when it came to how long we should wait. Nobody else has ever met my kid before. I haven't had any serious relationships since my divorce and I've never dated anybody with a kid. So this is all new to me. They are both under 6. I guess we just need to see how this goes. But I need to keep reminding myself that we are exactly where we need to be, and I need to step back and enjoy it.

doclago

It's only been six months and both of your children are minors.  Clearly, both of you made bad choices the first time. Why are you rushing????

sambou

I was married for a couple of years before I had my child. And then my husband cheated on me and I divorced him. His situation was similar. I don't see why I made a bad choice "the first time" nor do I see how your comment is relevant.

doclago

Clearly you made a bad choice the first time bc you married someone who doesn't understand loyalty, or he was driven away.......after 6 months, you have barely touched the surface of who this person really is and if he is being truthful to you how can you expect to 'love" him or he, you?  Men do not jump into those 3 words the way that women do. The fact that this is an issue to you makes you sound desperate and selfish. 

Being that you have a minor child you probably shouldn't be bringing another man into their lives that has the potential to leave.  If you married, you have an extremely high probability of divorce..

It amazes me how ignorant people are sometimes...you need to do some serious research into what happens psychologically to the children when people divorce and remarry, especially when you are blending families.   You need to think about what will happen to the kids psychologically, financially, when the exes start being jerks about money and the kids....and the ones who take the brunt of all of that is the children.  

Really, you probably shouldn't even be dating...you should be concentrating on the health and well being of their children....they are most important here, not your need to have a man...

So, yes, my comment is very relevant. I am trying to help you make a good decision. You are the one who asked for advice...

sambou

I understand where you're coming from. However... I'm not desperate nor selfish. It's been a long time since I dated anybody, mainly because men who don't have children seem to have an aversion to dating a woman with a child, so I didn't even waste my time. I've been enjoying my time with my son and everything is great. This conversation went way off topic. So what you're saying is, if I meet someone really great who understands my current situation, I'm just supposed to let that slip by and be forever a single mother? That just doesn't make any sense. When I was married before, I will be the first to admit, I was young and very stupid. But I'm a lot older now, have a great job, own my own home, and don't need a man. I was simply asking if it was unusual for there to be no expression of love after this point in time. Because, yes, it has been a very long time since I've dated. And there is zero drama..his ex is a very nice lady and is remarried and that didn't seem to ruin his son. Sweetest child ever. And my ex is with someone else too. We all, strangely, get along very well. There are no money issues or custody issues. So I don't see why everyone else is allowed to move on, yet I have to be stuck wondering about my child's psychological well-being. Of course I worry. But he Is doing just beautifully.

doclago

My opinion is that you shouldn't even be dating until your child  is 16 or 18.  No child does "beautifully" when the family bond is split...regardless of the reason.   If you introduce your child to this man no one knows what will ensue an your happiness is not paramount here, our child's is....so ,yes,,,,you should pass this by and concentrate on your child.... Your child does not need your relationship in his life, he needs you. And if you introduce another man into the situation he loses you to a great degree, deny it though you may,,,... Your child is affected by everything that is happening here and thus far, he has been relying on your for stability. So, if you release this relationship because you need to say I love you to some guy after six months, this undistrubed relationship may backfire.  You are trying, at this point, to replace his father. How would you feel if your mother forced another father on you?

Good luck to you, but I hold to my opinion that you are hurting your child by getting involved.  But, your happiness is utmost...

 

short+sassy

sambou said:

I understand where you're coming from. However... I'm not desperate nor selfish. It's been a long time since I dated anybody, mainly because men who don't have children seem to have an aversion to dating a woman with a child, so I didn't even waste my time. I've been enjoying my time with my son and everything is great. This conversation went way off topic. So what you're saying is, if I meet someone really great who understands my current situation, I'm just supposed to let that slip by and be forever a single mother? That just doesn't make any sense. When I was married before, I will be the first to admit, I was young and very stupid. But I'm a lot older now, have a great job, own my own home, and don't need a man. I was simply asking if it was unusual for there to be no expression of love after this point in time. Because, yes, it has been a very long time since I've dated. And there is zero drama..his ex is a very nice lady and is remarried and that didn't seem to ruin his son. Sweetest child ever. And my ex is with someone else too. We all, strangely, get along very well. There are no money issues or custody issues. So I don't see why everyone else is allowed to move on, yet I have to be stuck wondering about my child's psychological well-being. Of course I worry. But he Is doing just beautifully.

I am always happy to hear when exes...in this case two sets of exes...put their love for their children ahead of their dislike (or ambivalence) for each other.  It's awesome that it sounds like you all get along well.

Studies...and there have been many of them over the decades...actually show that children are generally better off with their parents being divorced than living in a home where their parents are together, but unhappy and/or hostile.

Parents do have an additional duty to take things slow with introducing their children to their SO, as well as ensure that SO will be a good influence for the family.  But, other than that, I agree with you.  There isn't any child ages/time line where all dating must be suspended until then.  Some people might choose to do that, but most don't, and there are a lot of wonderful blended families out there as a result.

sambou

Thanks @short+sassy ! I agree..there are plenty of blended families that I know who are doing just great. I'll stop stressing over it and ignore the negative comments. Thanks for the positivity!

SarahSvrjcek

Yeah, that lady that said you should wait at least 10 years to start dating again is nuts.  Don't listen to any of that crap!  What a psycho!

sambou

Hahaha no kidding!