Husband mad about time spent at home

rgood136

Hi,

I've never posted here but want outside opinions on what's going on in our relationship and how best to handle.

My husband is a hard working guy who makes a decent amount of $ and we get by enough to go out to dinner/buy nice things every once in a while.

But I realized that we aren't making enough to support a family someday. I have no doubt due to his ambition that he'll make more one day, but I can't just wait for that to happen. I also have always wanted to do more than a Bachelor's degree, so this year I started taking classes towards my Master's (in addition to working full time where I have an hour long commute).

It was tough on our relationship last semester because I didn't realize how much time itd take and I couldn't do much household chores. If I did, it would sacrifice either time with family and friends and/or my grades. He would get upset that I neglected the house. So this time, we got someone to clean every other week and that aspect is much better.

But he really gets mad at me for not being around. For example, I got my hair done tonight and he was upset. I got home around 9pm planning to put something in the crock pot for a pot luck dinner at work tomorrow ...planning to use ingredients we already had since clearly I was low on time. I called him to make sure we had the ingredients and he told me we had them and it turned out he did not check, so I was frustrsted. He told me I should not have gotten my hair done if I had the potluck. I did not know about the potluck when I made the hair appt 3 weeks ago. I could've got ready for the potluck over the weekend but chose to do our laundry instead.

I just want him to be appreciative of what I'm doing. After all, the big reason I'm doing this is to make us have a better future. He works 5 minutes from home and he refused to live closer to the city where I work.

I do feel bad that I can't do normal wife things like cook him dinner. But I feel like what I'm doing is the best thing for us long term.

What can I do to make this work?

englishtrish1

What does he do around the house? When I was working full time and in school full time, I choose an online program so I could manage my free time versus my school time but without DH picking up the slack around the house I don't know what would have happened.
As for refusing to move closer to your work, so you would have an easier commute that blows my mind.

VOR

rgood136 said:

  I do feel bad that I can't do normal wife things like cook him dinner. 

I wish there was a word that conveys the sound I was making as I read this sentence.

It's 2015.  not 1950.  He's a functioning adult who owns a home and is capable of cooking and cleaning too.  HE needs to be doing his FAIR share in taking care of the house and your lives.  it DOES NOT FALL ON YOU just because you don't have a penis. 

The fact that he gets upset at you for "neglecting" the house, he doesn't support your efforts to better yourself, and the fact that he refuses to move so that perhaps your commute would be easier...

That says a LOT about the kind of man he is.  A lot.  And it's not good.  This relationship sounds very lop-sided.

englishtrish1

FYI my husband moved 600 miles for my job, to refuse to move 30 minutes is mind boggling

janined22

I believe that there is more information needed in order for anyone to give a sound opinion like:

What chores/responsibilities has he taken over at home?

Do you currently make more money than him and if so, would this be a key factor in calculating an hour long commute with gas/tolls?

The city in which your job is, are the houses similarly priced to where you currently live? Cost of living?

Is your current home easy to sell where you wouldn't have to worry about losing it if you don't sell it in time and end up paying two mortgages?

dutchgirl76

VOR said:

rgood136 said:

  I do feel bad that I can't do normal wife things like cook him dinner. 

I wish there was a word that conveys the sound I was making as I read this sentence.

It's 2015.  not 1950.  He's a functioning adult who owns a home and is capable of cooking and cleaning too.  HE needs to be doing his FAIR share in taking care of the house and your lives.  it DOES NOT FALL ON YOU just because you don't have a penis. 

The fact that he gets upset at you for "neglecting" the house, he doesn't support your efforts to better yourself, and the fact that he refuses to move so that perhaps your commute would be easier...

That says a LOT about the kind of man he is.  A lot.  And it's not good.  This relationship sounds very lop-sided.

I had the exact same thought! Never mind if his commute is so short he needs to step up and help since he obviously has more free time in the sense that he gets almost 2 more hours a day than you do since you're on the road.

As you said you can't pre-plan a last minute potluck, was it really that big of a deal to throw some ingredients in the frigging crock pot? 

I honestly don't know what to say. I'm glad you both compromised and got someone to help clean, although again he could help a little more to save some money. I guess you could try online classes but I'm a fan of the old fashioned way, plus not every school offers online programs. I guess the only arguement is that he has to do more if he won't move closer to your work.

simplyelise

Oh gosh, so much agreement with previous posters. There are not wifely duties or husbandly duties. There are just chores and needs and each couple has to figure out how to divide and conquer or work together to accomplish everything.

Was your husband oppositional to you going back to school from the start? Do you know how long it will be until you complete the program? 

My blind guess here is that he's upset because a) you aren't doing chores that he thinks the wife should do, b) he doesn't like that you are going to be making more money than him, and c) he feels offended thinking that you going to school is a slight on his career and ambition.

For any of these things, he needs to get over it. You probably need to sit down together and you need to share (with "I feel" statements) your frustrations with his lack of help around the home. Share your hurt over him not supporting your attempt to pursue your career ambitions and financial goals. It might be worth it to do a couple counseling sessions if you are worried about the conversation getting heated or if he will shut down.

It is possible too though that you are so bogged down with everything on your plate that you are not finding time to spend together and he is lashing out like a child. Maybe you can pick some times that you guys can connect with no phones, tv, or open laptop with research project on it. Maybe you try to sit down to a dinner at the table a couple times a week. Or you go on short walks in your neighborhood. Or you dedicate some weekend time to just hanging out together. 

TLDR: your husband needs to use his words to express why he is upset and he needs to stop antagonizing, get back on your team, and contribute more to household chores while you're in school. 

TarponMonoxide

rgood136 said:

Hi, I've never posted here but want outside opinions on what's going on in our relationship and how best to handle. My husband is a hard working guy who makes a decent amount of $ and we get by enough to go out to dinner/buy nice things every once in a while. But I realized that we aren't making enough to support a family someday. I have no doubt due to his ambition that he'll make more one day, but I can't just wait for that to happen. I also have always wanted to do more than a Bachelor's degree, so this year I started taking classes towards my Master's (in addition to working full time where I have an hour long commute). It was tough on our relationship last semester because I didn't realize how much time itd take and I couldn't do much household chores. If I did, it would sacrifice either time with family and friends and/or my grades. He would get upset that I neglected the house. So this time, we got someone to clean every other week and that aspect is much better. But he really gets mad at me for not being around. For example, I got my hair done tonight and he was upset. I got home around 9pm planning to put something in the crock pot for a pot luck dinner at work tomorrow ...planning to use ingredients we already had since clearly I was low on time. I called him to make sure we had the ingredients and he told me we had them and it turned out he did not check, so I was frustrsted. He told me I should not have gotten my hair done if I had the potluck. I did not know about the potluck when I made the hair appt 3 weeks ago. I could've got ready for the potluck over the weekend but chose to do our laundry instead. I just want him to be appreciative of what I'm doing. After all, the big reason I'm doing this is to make us have a better future. He works 5 minutes from home and he refused to live closer to the city where I work. I do feel bad that I can't do normal wife things like cook him dinner. But I feel like what I'm doing is the best thing for us long term. What can I do to make this work?

He is slightly jealous, if not full on -- and he is disguising that jealousy with petty bullshit about the housecleaning and you not being around enough.

He should be standing behind you and cheering you on and supporting you in your endeavors. Is he doing that?

Face facts that he may not be as ambitious as you --- it very well can be that he won't have the same kind of gumption as you do and he will be happy to settle for the same ole job for good.

He can't lord all the guilt over on you because he's mad you are doing something about your future.

groovylocks

This guy's lucky i'm not his wife.. He sounds like what he needs is a momma. 

Op is it possible that he gets JEALOUS if you're not at home? Like "uh oh.. shes out. Where could she be?" because if so, that's REALLY concerning..

TarponMonoxide

groovylocks said:

This guy's lucky i'm not his wife.. He sounds like what he needs is a momma. 

Op is it possible that he gets JEALOUS if you're not at home? Like "uh oh.. shes out. Where could she be?" because if so, that's REALLY concerning..

This jerk should find something to do with his "down time." He hasn't got a hobby or something?

Quit complain' and get busy and stand behind your wife and cheer her on all the way.

KSEDmini

I actually disagree with the husband bashing of some PP's in this post. 

It sounds to me like your husband misses you and is being passive aggressive about small things because he feels neglected. And it sounds like YOU have certain expectations of what You would like to do for him as a wife and since you don't have the time to do those things you may be especially sensitive to his comments. If you are working and going to school, and giving yourself some time, and having work functions, etc. is any time being left for the two of you? How often are these once in a while dinners? 

That's not to say that you are not 100% in the right with working hard and going to school, but it would not also negate his feels of being disconnected with you because of all the things you are accomplishing in your life. He should still stand behind you 100%. And this whole thing about the commute does seem selfish on his part, but I don't know all the details of that issue. 

I'm guessing he's feeling like you guys are living two separate lives and it's wearing down on him. People like to know they are loved and valued in a relationship, and it's not enough to just assume the person knows that just because you married them- it takes thoughtfulness and time to show love, even if it's in the little things. 

schuette2

I usually lurk, but I can't hold this in.

Before I ask some questions, I have a story to tell. My husband and I got married in 2010. A few months later, I decided I wanted to go back to school for my Bachelors. I waited until he had finished his, then I went back for mine. I worked and went to school, and since he was done, he worked, then came home and did laundry, paid the bills, got the dishes in order, etc. while I did my homework. 3/4 of the way through the Bachelors, we discussed it, and decided I would also pursue my MLIS. I had 2 weeks of "vacation" between the two degrees, and DH continued doing the housework. I graduated in August of this year, and resumed the housework I had left to him for the past 4.5 years. He now is at a point in his job where he is working 50-60 hour weeks to get projects done, so I do the laundry, pay the bills, do the dishes, etc. 

Now, for the questions: What is your hubby doing to help around the house? Is he not allowed in the kitchen, or can he cook meals to help you both out (ie, spend time together at dinner)? 

Maybe I'm reading too much into it, but everything I'm seeing is that he's mad you're going to school, not staying home with him, not willing to move in between jobs so you can spend time at home and not commuting, miffed that he actually might have to do housework or cook dinner. If this is the case, he needs to step up and help out. If I'm wrong, I'll go back to lurking. 

NoneForUs

Unless you and your husband have agreed to have a traditional marriage, his demands are way out of line. He comes across as rather selfish and controlling. 

When I was working and attending college, my husband never expected me to do everything around the house. The only reason I do all of the housework and cooking now is we have agreed that it is better for me to stay home. The job situation in our area is bleak and the cost of commuting to the largest city near us is $700 a month. 

NoneForUs

KSEDmini said:

I actually disagree with the husband bashing of some PP's in this post. 

It sounds to me like your husband misses you and is being passive aggressive about small things because he feels neglected. And it sounds like YOU have certain expectations of what You would like to do for him as a wife and since you don't have the time to do those things you may be especially sensitive to his comments. If you are working and going to school, and giving yourself some time, and having work functions, etc. is any time being left for the two of you? How often are these once in a while dinners? 

That's not to say that you are not 100% in the right with working hard and going to school, but it would not also negate his feels of being disconnected with you because of all the things you are accomplishing in your life. He should still stand behind you 100%. And this whole thing about the commute does seem selfish on his part, but I don't know all the details of that issue. 

I'm guessing he's feeling like you guys are living two separate lives and it's wearing down on him. People like to know they are loved and valued in a relationship, and it's not enough to just assume the person knows that just because you married them- it takes thoughtfulness and time to show love, even if it's in the little things. 

I can see how the OP's husband could be missing his wife. 

However, there are more mature and considerate ways to express those feelings.