I cheated on my wife. How do I fix my relationship?

Mauivegas

Looking for any helpful advice to repair our relationship.

TarponMonoxide

What happened?

Tell the entire story to us.  We need more backstory.

(In advance I'd say to you to end contact with the person -- all contact --- and come clean and tell your spouse.)

I would also get tested for STDs if I were you, if there was sexual intercourse or any exchange of bodily fluids.

In the future, keep your fly up and  zipped.

Mauivegas

It all started with a conversation about open marriage. We were just talking about it and I took it as though that was an ok(very stupid of me). It started with getting a blow job from my ex and making out with a random stranger at a bar. I didn't say anything due to the fact I thought it was ok for me to do so since I was thinking we were in an open relationship. The final straw was when I started to court my gym partner. The gym partner and I had a major attraction due to the fact that I was a fitness trainer and she was a marathoner. She filled in all the spots that I was missing with my spouse at home. Thinking back at it I should have just stayed away from her and met the issues head on with my wife. If only I could turn back time. After having intercourse with my gym friend I felt so guilty that I told my wife after a downing some drinks due to guilt. I feel like a complete jackass and failure at life. Life has been hell ever since this incident. I love my wife dearly and I know I broke her heart. I just want to do the right thing now and repair what is left of our marriage. Right now we are both separated and living apart. Any advice on what I should do for a sinner like me.

Mauivegas

I have stopped all contact with my gym partner and others and I have no STD's. And yes I'm learning to think with the right head.

TarponMonoxide

Mauivegas said:

It all started with a conversation about open marriage. We were just talking about it and I took it as though that was an ok(very stupid of me).

Sorry, buddy, but this is absolutely nonsensical. You thought it was an okay???

Your reasoning is horrendous. Positively horrendous.

It started with getting a blow job from my ex and making out with a random stranger at a bar.

Boy you were really on a roll, weren't you?

And from your ex what? Your ex wife??? You mean you are into Wife 2.0? or is this some silly little girlfriend you had before you tied the knot?

Holy crap: stay away from any ex anywhere, unless you have real business with them -- a child support issue, maybe there's been a tragedy in her family and you want to contact her to say you are sorry, etc.

Otherwise you have no business with the ex...

And THIS is probably why your now wife is hopping red hot boiling mad.

Can you blame her?

Suppose you found out she had it off with her  ex boyfriend? Bet you'd really be po'd...right???  A dime says you'd have sent the strumpet off to a nunnery like they did in the ole days of yore!

I didn't say anything due to the fact I thought it was ok for me to do so since I was thinking we were in an open relationship.

I think now I've heard everything.

You were thinking what????

You are way in the wrong and you bet your rationale and reasoning is shot to hell. Not to mention a 13 year old is more grown up than you are.

The final straw was when I started to court my gym partner. The gym partner and I had a major attraction due to the fact that I was a fitness trainer and she was a marathoner.

That makes no sense at all. NONE. 

Okay to find another woman attractive or hot or pretty...but NOT OKAY to just DO somebody at the drop of a hat!

She filled in all the spots that I was missing with my spouse at home.

The only spot she filled in was in your pants.

And btw, where IS your communication with your wife??? Just curious.

Thinking back at it I should have just stayed away from her and met the issues head on with my wife. If only I could turn back time. After having intercourse with my gym friend I felt so guilty that I told my wife after a downing some drinks due to guilt.

And you needed to get a little tipsy to tell your wife what happened?

How old are you anyway? You sound like a junior highschooler who is way out of control.

I feel like a complete jackass and failure at life. Life has been hell ever since this incident.

You've got great big problems. You are way too impulsive and your reasoning ability is zero. See a therapist just for that alone.

I love my wife dearly and I know I broke her heart. I just want to do the right thing now and repair what is left of our marriage. Right now we are both separated and living apart. Any advice on what I should do for a sinner like me.

I've got a bit of bad news for you: You may not just be in the doghouse --- your marriage may be over.

You could ask to meet her in a public place and tell her you want to work on your marriage together and then the both of you get counseling together.

You can, in the meanwhile, make an appointment for your both with a good marriage counselor (try your local mental health association for a referral) and bring the appointment info with you to this meeting with your wife -- show her how serious you are about fixing things.

The trainer-runner thing has to go. Go find another gym to work in and preferably one with all men, since you cannot seem to keep your hands off the ladies..>

And if that gym found out you did this, you can also lose your job! There are outfits that are very serious about sexual harassment, even if it is *only* just a gym and not some great big company.

You are out of control. WAY out of control.

If you are going to go for marriage counseling, you have to enter counseling with no reservations --- otherwise going won't mean a thing. You'll just be going through the motions.

I am serious: See a therapist about your inability to use plain ole common sense! How in heck do you think a conversation about open marriage "Means" "Gee, I am in an open marriage so let me go right ahead and jump this woman's bones...oh, wait... a bj first??? cool!"

You have a lot of immaturity problems. I don't know how a therapist can fix that. Immaturity is forever in quite a lot of people...I hope you will not be one of them.

And if it turns out a process server shows up with a divorce summons for you?

You're going to have to live with it.  A hard lesson to learn but who knows if you'll learn and use common sense from here on in????

Disneygeek77

How do you know you don't have stds. Have you been tested ?

I don't think you can repair this. You've lost her trust and that will probably never come back.

Mauivegas

Thank you for the advice @traponmonoxide I will take it to heart and look into your suggestions. I know I really screwed up here and I lack common sense. I will work to do whatever I can to save my marriage. Mahalo once again.

Mauivegas

@Disneygeek77 I have been tested and I'm clear. I know I may have lost her trust but I'm willing to spend the time and effort to try and get it back. Thank you for your input.

TarponMonoxide

Mauivegas said:

Thank you for the advice @traponmonoxide I will take it to heart and look into your suggestions. I know I really screwed up here and I lack common sense. I will work to do whatever I can to save my marriage. Mahalo once again.

I am not a shrink, not a doctor and not a mental clinician.... but I am wondering if your lack of sense is due to some emotional or mental thing or if this is some kind of predecessor to some sort of sexual addiction.

I think it would be a good idea for you to bounce what happened --- your lack of judgement and your rationale behind it --- off a sex therapist.  Get that person's input.

you cannot go around doing this. You are leaving yourself at risk for sexually transmitted diseases plus suppose your little dalliance has a nice tough boyfriend or spouse and he got wind of what happened???

It wouldn't be cool if your boss at the gym found out about it, either -- he may not take kindly to it and that would be the end of your job.

Your lack of judgement destroyed your wife's trust in you and quite possibly ended your marriage. Dude, you have to think before you leap! What do you mean a discussion made you think you were in an open marriage? That makes no sense at all!

(and only if you and your spouse talk it over and agree to converting to an open marriage couple are you in an open marriage. Newsflash for ya)

Tested and you're clear?

There are STDs that can show up weeks or months later: herpes, AIDS and venereal warts are 3 of them.

Mauivegas

Thank you for your input @TarponMonoxide

TarponMonoxide

(and there is also the risk of pregnancy if you do not use birth control. Doubtful the 2 of you stopped off at a pharmacist for condoms beforehand)

...and ahhhh that's another one: suppose she comes up to you in about 4-6 more weeks and announces she's pregnant and the kiddo is yours?  And that she refuses to abort or adopt or pretend the child belongs to her SO/boyfriend/H?

GilliC

If she's willing to give things another try, you both need to go to counseling together. You seem to have realized what you were missing in your relationship, and hopefully they're things you can address.

...However... She may never trust you again, and it's very likely that she will not want to salvage your marriage. You cannot force her into it.

In the meantime, try this: http://www.amazon.com/After-Affair-Healing-Rebuilding-Unfaithful/dp/0062122703/

Disneygeek77

You will have to take another std test in a few months. Until then, use protection as you don't want to expose her to anything deadly.

TarponMonoxide

Disneygeek77 said:

You will have to take another std test in a few months. Until then, use protection as you don't want to expose her to anything deadly.

Use protection, Disneygeek?

This one needs to go live on the planet Mars. He has no common sense --- I suggest he stay away from women for good.

I still cannot get over that one: Thought that because of the conversation about open marriages he thought he was in one and it gave him the okay to just get wild and crazy with the woman he was talking to. 

Mauivegas

Thank you for the input and resource @GilliC

TarponMonoxide

Mauivegas said:

Thank you for the input and resource @GilliC

So what are you planning on doing about this?

Mauivegas

I'm going to put my best foot forward and try to save my marriage by reading up on all these resources and taking your guys suggestions into account. It's going to be a challenging road ahead but I'm willing to put in the time and effort to win back my wife. @TarponMonoxide

TarponMonoxide

Mauivegas said:

I'm going to put my best foot forward and try to save my marriage by reading up on all these resources and taking your guys suggestions into account. It's going to be a challenging road ahead but I'm willing to put in the time and effort to win back my wife. @TarponMonoxide

Well, good luck because this is going to be a nearly impossible task.

I am wondering at what point you might have to decide there's no way back --- and after that, you're going to have to face facts that it's over.

NoneForUs

Your marriage could be over. 

If it isn't, you need individual counseling as well as couple's counseling. 

Focus all of your attention your wife. Spoil her in the ways that she enjoys-date nights, gifts, trips etc.

I'm wondering if you suffer from some kind of mental illness or developmental delay because your reasoning skills are way off. Going to a psychometrist could be helpful. 

groovylocks

Your "explanation" is a complete lie. 

You cheated on your wife with multiple random people knowing full well that you were cheating on her, then tried to call yourself a "sinner like me" in some cheap emotional appeal. I'm not 100% convinced you fessed up, drunk or not. I have a sneaking suspicion you got caught but i can't quite know that for sure.

What i DO know? You have absolutely zero intention of changing your habits. You just want an easy fix and are already devising a plan as to how to not get caught from here on in. 

Sorry, but i can smell a rat miles away. Call it a "gift" that i have. And if i could have a conversation with your wife, I'd advise her to trade up. Not because you cheated. But because you're so full of BS and so bad at hiding it.