Husband doesn't want to move for wife

mrosevevoda

My husband and I have been married for 18 months.  Through this time we have been married, I have been the one who pays for most if not all of our living expenses.  My husband works in Real Estate and is just starting out so it has been tough for him to help contribute.  I have recently graduated with my Master's and have been looking at jobs that are about 7 hours away from where we live.  The new job would increase our income by roughly $40,000 a year!  I feel I am being  underpaid at my current job and am really excited to start a new job and move to a new place. My husband does not want to move and wants to continue working on his career and using his connections since this is the town where he has grown up. He family lives here and all his friends live here.  He doesn't not have any intent on ever moving.  I am not sure if I should move where there is a better job and it can provide more for us, if he does not want to come with me.  Currently we are living in my condo and I would have to rent out the entire condo so I'm not sure where he would live.  He is okay with me flying home for the weekends but I don't think I can afford that if I'm paying rent somewhere else.  I am not happy being the one who is providing for both of us right now but I'm not sure what else to do.  He has been looking around for new job and had one for a few months until he was laid off.  He is saying if I move then I am leaving him.  Is it wrong to move for a new career if my husband doesn't want to go?  

GilliC

mrosevevoda said:

My husband and I have been married for 18 months.  Through this time we have been married, I have been the one who pays for most if not all of our living expenses.  My husband works in Real Estate and is just starting out so it has been tough for him to help contribute.  I have recently graduated with my Master's and have been looking at jobs that are about 7 hours away from where we live.  The new job would increase our income by roughly $40,000 a year!  I feel I am being  underpaid at my current job and am really excited to start a new job and move to a new place. My husband does not want to move and wants to continue working on his career and using his connections since this is the town where he has grown up. He family lives here and all his friends live here.  He doesn't not have any intent on ever moving.  I am not sure if I should move where there is a better job and it can provide more for us, if he does not want to come with me.  Currently we are living in my condo and I would have to rent out the entire condo so I'm not sure where he would live.  He is okay with me flying home for the weekends but I don't think I can afford that if I'm paying rent somewhere else.  I am not happy being the one who is providing for both of us right now but I'm not sure what else to do.  He has been looking around for new job and had one for a few months until he was laid off.  He is saying if I move then I am leaving him.  Is it wrong to move for a new career if my husband doesn't want to go?  

From your post, it doesn't seem like the potential move is really the issue here.

A lot of your comments sound like you have a very "my money" attitude. That's a problem in itself. As a married couple, you are a partnership, and should see yourselves this way. One of you is always going to make more, and it doesn't sound like he's freeloading. He seems to have been actively looking for work and trying to contribute.

You say that he's living in "your" condo. What is the situation with "his" residence? Is it currently being rented out, and that's why he couldn't move there if you rented out yours? I can only assume that he also owns a property, because otherwise if you're both living there together, you would be referring to this as "our" condo.

I'm also not sure that I understand the motivation behind your potential move. You say that you don't like supporting both of you financially, but you stress that the new job would earn more money. If you don't want to be a sole supporter, why would you want to force him to start over with his networking in exchange for more money coming from your contribution? That seems backwards. If you're feeling underpaid in your current job, is the real motivation for the move that you want a more fulfilling career? This is understandable, but also a very different motivation than an extra $40K per year.

I'm going to assume that you knew before you got married that he would like to live close to home, since this is one of things to discuss before agreeing to get married. Has something changed? What kinds of agreements and compromises did the two of you discuss before regarding where you will live?

As for your final question, yes, it is "wrong" for you to move without discussing and considering his preferences and goals. However, the move itself isn't necessarily wrong if you both agree to a plan. Would this be a permanent arrangement? Would it be temporary and he would join you at some point, or you would move back if his real estate work picks up? You would need a long-term plan and clear milestones.

Considering you don't think you could afford to maintain two separate residences and travel between them, I don't think this is a very realistic plan. It's time for the two of you to sit down together and come up with one that will work for you, for your husband, and for your combined finances.

VOR

Ditto everything Gilli said.  I feel that there is something else going on here.  A lot of "something else's", TBH. 

Plus, this just doesn't sound like a realistic plan.  At all.

dutchgirl76

Unless you work in a very specific field, I can't see why you need to move 7 hours away to work in that field, even if it's a new job to meet your Master's education. As PP's have said, you should have discussed where you were going to live before you got married. Is it possible to compromise and get a job much closer to home? Could your husband move out of your current town, closer to this new job, but still keep a job in his field?

short+sassy

I'm going to approach this from a few angles.  Just for the record, I am on Team You.  I think it's unfair he wants to stay in his hometown...come hell or high water...just because his friends and family are there.  It would be one thing if he were already more established in his real estate career...because that is location-centric.  But he isn't.  He is just starting out.  He can just start out somewhere else.

HOWEVER, with all that said.  If he doesn't want to move, he doesn't want to move.  And that's where you need to go from.  It may not make logical sense to you or I, but that is where he is coming from.

As for moving 7 hours for the better job.  Can you all make your marriage work with that?  Possibly.  But it will obviously be a huge challenge.  Is it worth it?  You'd have to answer that.  If it is just for the pay raise and not much else, I'd lean toward "no".  Because a lot of that will be eaten up by paying for two residencies and extra travel.  But, if this would be a stepping stone to bigger things and will give you more opportunities for the future than where you currently are, that's a huge reason to take the new job.  Especially if the plan could be that it is temporary and, after a few years under your belt, you could move back or closer to his hometown with even more employability for a better and closer job. 

mrosevevoda

Thank you all for your replies.  I have really been struggling with this.  Yes, we do need to approach our finances as a partnership.  It is difficult when my husband has only worked 4 months during the entire time we have been married so we have not combined our finances.  We are working on combining our income but now he has no income.  I do say "my condo" because I bought it a few years before we were married.  He lived at his parents house prior to us getting married which he did not pay any rent.  We did discuss moving prior to getting married and he did state that he would be willing to move "when the time is right".  He also refuses to discuss the situation and gets angry if I bring it up.  I do agree that there is no logical sense and he just wants to live close to his friends and family.  Not only would moving for the new job provide better income but if we moved, we would be close to my family.  I don't know if the new job would provide more employability but I do think that we would be able to save more as long as we have the condo rented out.  It might not be permanante and I would be willing to move back since we will be keeping the condo.  I just think we need to do this so we can purchase a home together.   

englishtrish1

Where you in grad school when you married? Did you both discuss what y'alls plan was after you graduated? The not moving thing is a hot button for me, I was miserable where I worked before, DH loved loved loved where we lived. He knew how unhappy I had become and actively encouraged me to apply for other jobs, none of which were even in the same state, because that's what partners do. I am also the primary breadwinner .

jtmh2012

mrosevevoda said:

Thank you all for your replies.  I have really been struggling with this.  Yes, we do need to approach our finances as a partnership.  It is difficult when my husband has only worked 4 months during the entire time we have been married so we have not combined our finances.  We are working on combining our income but now he has no income.   

Personally, I still think you're looking at this wrong.  If you're really looking at combining finances, it's not "I make money and he doesn't".  It is "we" make X amount of money where (his + yours = X).

We combined our finances and you have to give up the idea of his/mine.  They're our bills, our income.

It seems this also bleeds over into the decision to move or not.  I don't think you mean to come off this way, but your post sorta reads as "I make the money, I get to decide where we live".

That said, there are bills to be paid and if he wants to stay where you currently are, then there needs to be an income source to support that.  If there isn't, you move.

VOR

short+sassy said:

 I think it's unfair he wants to stay in his hometown...come hell or high water...just because his friends and family are there. 

See, I actually don't think this is fair!  There are a host of issues here, granted.  But the fact that this is his hometown and all his family and friends??  I don't think it's unreasonable at all that he wants to stay.  The idea of moving to an unknown city where you know no one?  That can be REALLY daunting.  I've done it.  DH and I had fun doing it- but it was also hard too.

I don't think his reasons should be overlooked or be looked at as insignificant.  Because I don't think they are.

dutchgirl76

jtmh2012 said:

mrosevevoda said:

Thank you all for your replies.  I have really been struggling with this.  Yes, we do need to approach our finances as a partnership.  It is difficult when my husband has only worked 4 months during the entire time we have been married so we have not combined our finances.  We are working on combining our income but now he has no income.   

Personally, I still think you're looking at this wrong.  If you're really looking at combining finances, it's not "I make money and he doesn't".  It is "we" make X amount of money where (his + yours = X).

We combined our finances and you have to give up the idea of his/mine.  They're our bills, our income.

It seems this also bleeds over into the decision to move or not.  I don't think you mean to come off this way, but your post sorta reads as "I make the money, I get to decide where we live".

That said, there are bills to be paid and if he wants to stay where you currently are, then there needs to be an income source to support that.  If there isn't, you move.

I don't see it as "I make the money, therefore I say where we live" I see it as, he has a job that can be performed anywhere in the country, where her job is more specialized and may have a larger market 7 hours away. I don't think you should have to stay right next to his family, however I wonder how close you would be to your family if you moved 7 hours away? You can't move away from his family to the same town as your family. Again I'd throw out the compromise, without knowing your specific situation could you move 3.5 hours from each family? Would that open up a bigger market for you? You have to be happy in your job, but you both have to be happy in where you live. I'm stuck in a tiny 15 mile radius from my husband's job so believe me I get giving everything up to make your husband happy.

As far as the money issue, there are married couples who have separate bank accounts and split finances 50/50, I don't think that's a bad idea, but you can't have the "my money" attitude. It takes an adjustment but once you're married everything has to be equal. Once he's bringing in an income you don't have him saying "I earned this money, you can't use it either"

jtmh2012

dutchgirl76 said:

 

I'm stuck in a tiny 15 mile radius from my husband's job so believe me I get giving everything up to make your husband happy.

15 miles?

dutchgirl76

jtmh2012 said:

dutchgirl76 said:

 

I'm stuck in a tiny 15 mile radius from my husband's job so believe me I get giving everything up to make your husband happy.

15 miles?

My husband's a fire fighter so he has to live within 15 miles of the border of the town he works in. He didn't have the job until right before we got engaged so this was a big sacrifice since our plan was to move to the state I grew up in  and be halfway to both families (still driveable to family.) 

simplyelise

My advice is to go to counseling as soon as possible. This is a huge communication issue and it sounds like neither of you is in the market for compromise. The fact that you're considering moving 7 hours away from him is a huge warning to me that you are not 100% in the marriage. The fact that he refuses to move now that you have a compelling career interest even though he previously was okay with the idea of moving is another warning that he is not 100% in the marriage.

Moving seven hours is a huge decision and I gotta say, I wouldn't even be looking at jobs in a non-commutable city before a potential move is agreed to. But I also understand how you'd be frustrated by your husband's lack of drive with employment. However, the way you talk about him is a little troubling. 

It doesn't matter where you live or who is making more money because neither of you is 100% in the marriage. Go get some marriage counseling stat.

nkjacobsma

VOR said:

short+sassy said:

 I think it's unfair he wants to stay in his hometown...come hell or high water...just because his friends and family are there. 

I too think this post is unfair. Family and friends are values and it's not wrong for someone to value their family and friends more than their career. My MIL has uprooted her life and moved all over the country with her husband several times and now she (and her children) have a weak relationship with her family. It's one think to compromise and move to build a career short-term, but you are asking a whole lot of your husband.

dutchgirl76

nkjacobsma said:

I too think this post is unfair. Family and friends are values and it's not wrong for someone to value their family and friends more than their career. My MIL has uprooted her life and moved all over the country with her husband several times and now she (and her children) have a weak relationship with her family. It's one think to compromise and move to build a career short-term, but you are asking a whole lot of your husband.

Yes and no. Again I'm probably more biased because my whole life revolves around my husband and his job, but I don't think one person should ever be forced to do something to make the other person happy. And to be fair to OP, isn't asking him or her to live 7 hours from their family and potentially take a lesser career job to stay in H's hometown asking a lot of her? Especially if he's not even working right now? 

It's a huge sacrifice to live somewhere that you don't have family and friends for someone else. Unfortunately without a 50/50 compromise someone is always going to "lose" because they don't have their friends or family close by and they might have to commute a distance to work. If OP is close to his or her family this can be a struggle. We don't know why OP moved the 7 hours away to H's hometown in the first place, so keep in mind it might not have been for H, but for a different opportunity like school or a job where OP assumed they'd move back after a set amount of time. If H was honest before they got married and said he'd never move out of his hometown, OP might have said no to the marriage knowing that not moving to this other area was a deal breaker. I don't think that's too much to ask for, and no that doesn't make her selfish, it means she chose the right path before committing.

I understand the value of being near your family and friends being close by, and OP should have known that he was happy there, but it doesn't mean he can't move a little further away to make life easier for her.  With that being said I do agree the way you wrote this post you're both acting like single people with a roomate for the financial benefits more than husband and wife. If you ever plan to have children, buy a home or do anything as permanent as get married (perhaps more permanent) you both need to be in it 100%. 

Finally, OP, keep in mind that your husband might be hesitant to move 7 hours away if you don't have a job in that area. It's a catch 22, you can't move without the job, but you can't get the job if you don't know that you can move, but he's not going to want to give up his family and friends on a chance. 

englishtrish1

nkjacobsma said:

VOR said:

short+sassy said:

 I think it's unfair he wants to stay in his hometown...come hell or high water...just because his friends and family are there. 

I too think this post is unfair. Family and friends are values and it's not wrong for someone to value their family and friends more than their career. My MIL has uprooted her life and moved all over the country with her husband several times and now she (and her children) have a weak relationship with her family. It's one think to compromise and move to build a career short-term, but you are asking a whole lot of your husband.

nkjacobsma said:

VOR said:

short+sassy said:

 I think it's unfair he wants to stay in his hometown...come hell or high water...just because his friends and family are there. 

I too think this post is unfair. Family and friends are values and it's not wrong for someone to value their family and friends more than their career. My MIL has uprooted her life and moved all over the country with her husband several times and now she (and her children) have a weak relationship with her family. It's one think to compromise and move to build a career short-term, but you are asking a whole lot of your husband.

nkjacobsma said:

VOR said:

short+sassy said:

 I think it's unfair he wants to stay in his hometown...come hell or high water...just because his friends and family are there. 

I too think this post is unfair. Family and friends are values and it's not wrong for someone to value their family and friends more than their career. My MIL has uprooted her life and moved all over the country with her husband several times and now she (and her children) have a weak relationship with her family. It's one think to compromise and move to build a career short-term, but you are asking a whole lot of your husband.


I think is such an individual thing, I moved a lot both in the UK and the USA and am close to my family, my in laws moved constantly due to career demands and both maintained very close relationships with their friends and families.

VOR

dutchgirl76 said:

Yes and no. Again I'm probably more biased because my whole life revolves around my husband and his job, but I don't think one person should ever be forced to do something to make the other person happy. And to be fair to OP, isn't asking him or her to live 7 hours from their family and potentially take a lesser career job to stay in H's hometown asking a lot of her? Especially if he's not even working right now? 

I don't disagree with anything you said.  And really- it's not a black and white situation.  As I originally said that i didn't think short&sassy's statement was fair, I'm going to comment on what specifically I meant.  To  ME, her statement was dismissive of the fact that his friends and family are important to him.  to ME, it read like "job should come before friends & family".

I may be wrong, but I actually felt it was making a black & white statement that friends & family isn't a valid reason for him to want to stay.

That's ALL I was speaking too.  Obviously this situation is more than just that.  Because yes, you can take the argument the other way too.  Is it fair to make her stay in a town where there may be no good job prospects and she's unhappy?  We could go round and round on this for days!   

His not wanting to leave friends and family isn't a reason to not move, BUT it's a very valid issue that needs to be dealt with and she needs to be empathetic to it. 

short+sassy

VOR said:

dutchgirl76 said:

Yes and no. Again I'm probably more biased because my whole life revolves around my husband and his job, but I don't think one person should ever be forced to do something to make the other person happy. And to be fair to OP, isn't asking him or her to live 7 hours from their family and potentially take a lesser career job to stay in H's hometown asking a lot of her? Especially if he's not even working right now? 

I don't disagree with anything you said.  And really- it's not a black and white situation.  As I originally said that i didn't think short&sassy's statement was fair, I'm going to comment on what specifically I meant.  To  ME, her statement was dismissive of the fact that his friends and family are important to him.  to ME, it read like "job should come before friends & family".

I may be wrong, but I actually felt it was making a black & white statement that friends & family isn't a valid reason for him to want to stay.

That's ALL I was speaking too.  Obviously this situation is more than just that.  Because yes, you can take the argument the other way too.  Is it fair to make her stay in a town where there may be no good job prospects and she's unhappy?  We could go round and round on this for days!   

His not wanting to leave friends and family isn't a reason to not move, BUT it's a very valid issue that needs to be dealt with and she needs to be empathetic to it. 

I do want to clarify.  I know it can be easy for things to be taken the wrong way with the written word.

I do agree that nearness to friends and family is a very important consideration.  I didn't mean for my post to sound flip about it.  And, it is a more important consideration to some than others.  However, a raise of $40K/year is pretty darn substantial and worth at least a few serious conversations about, which it sounds like he isn't even willing to discuss.  Heck, my entire salary isn't much more than $40K, lol.

And, I guess I view 7 hours as not being that far away anyway.  Sure, far enough away he can't stop by his buddy's house after work.  Which is a bummer, I'm not denigrating that.  But still, I'm guessing it's about a one hour flight, which is close enough for many visits throughout the year.

I also disagree a bit with the general consensus on here.  Yes, marriages are equal partnerships.  But when one person is the sole breadwinner, I do think the non-breadwinner (for lack of a better word) should give heavier consideration to the breadwinner's desires, in matters related to that person's job.  Certainly not complete and total agreement, but at least real and serious thought to how/if they could make it work moving for a spouse's job.  Perhaps the OP's H has done this and determined that he just can't.  And that's fine if he truly has.  But it sounds more like he has just dismissed the idea out of hand.  

dutchgirl76

I agree it's hard to tell tone in a post. As I said I see the value in friends and family too and understand why he'd want to stay close, but I can't see someone working so hard for a Master's degree getting stuck somewhere for a non-working spouse. Without knowing everyone who posted here I think the problem is that we've all had to work since we were young, so we don't understand the luxury of your parents paying for everything and not having to work if you don't want too. I assume OP doesn't understand that lifestyle so H seems lazy and unmotivated, as opposed to someone who hasn't learned the value of a dollar yet. This is where counseling should help, for you both to understand each other, why for you it's so much pressure to be a breadwinner and for him why it's so important to be close to the people who took such good care of him.

On the other hand, As far as I can tell from OP, this couple doesn't have children and H's parents/family are healthy so there's no reason they have to live in the same town and/or not have H work. If any of those items are a factor not mentioned in the OP then that changes his reasons not to move and OP needs to work with that.

I guess I just have a hard time with one family over the other, how do you choose which family is more valuable (not even valuable, but worth living in the same town) when you're in a situation where someone has to live a plan ride away? From the tone of OP it sounds like H feels his family isn't worth leaving and he's almost choosing "his" family over his wife, who is also his family now. I feel he's choosing his family over her by saying she can limit her career choices to make him happy. If he cared enough he'd move, as PP's have said even for a short time, less than 7 hours away to give his wife the chance to build a career. 

To OP, I wish I had more answers. A big flag I see is future children. If you plan on having any you can't live in different apartments or one in a house and one in a condo. Since family seems so important to both of you, you have to talk to your husband about if one family will help provide child care, and if so which family? Honestly other than one being close by I don't think you can pick a family over the other, nor should you have too. Again I'd throw out the compromise so that your family doesn't miss out on said children, but it's not always that easy. Could you at least try asking your H to move within 20 or 30 minutes of his hometown? Would that open the door to more jobs for you, but keep him close enough to the people he cares so much about?

NoneForUs

short+sassy said:

VOR said:

dutchgirl76 said:

Yes and no. Again I'm probably more biased because my whole life revolves around my husband and his job, but I don't think one person should ever be forced to do something to make the other person happy. And to be fair to OP, isn't asking him or her to live 7 hours from their family and potentially take a lesser career job to stay in H's hometown asking a lot of her? Especially if he's not even working right now? 

I don't disagree with anything you said.  And really- it's not a black and white situation.  As I originally said that i didn't think short&sassy's statement was fair, I'm going to comment on what specifically I meant.  To  ME, her statement was dismissive of the fact that his friends and family are important to him.  to ME, it read like "job should come before friends & family".

I may be wrong, but I actually felt it was making a black & white statement that friends & family isn't a valid reason for him to want to stay.

That's ALL I was speaking too.  Obviously this situation is more than just that.  Because yes, you can take the argument the other way too.  Is it fair to make her stay in a town where there may be no good job prospects and she's unhappy?  We could go round and round on this for days!   

His not wanting to leave friends and family isn't a reason to not move, BUT it's a very valid issue that needs to be dealt with and she needs to be empathetic to it. 

I do want to clarify.  I know it can be easy for things to be taken the wrong way with the written word.

I do agree that nearness to friends and family is a very important consideration.  I didn't mean for my post to sound flip about it.  And, it is a more important consideration to some than others.  However, a raise of $40K/year is pretty darn substantial and worth at least a few serious conversations about, which it sounds like he isn't even willing to discuss.  Heck, my entire salary isn't much more than $40K, lol.

And, I guess I view 7 hours as not being that far away anyway.  Sure, far enough away he can't stop by his buddy's house after work.  Which is a bummer, I'm not denigrating that.  But still, I'm guessing it's about a one hour flight, which is close enough for many visits throughout the year.

I also disagree a bit with the general consensus on here.  Yes, marriages are equal partnerships.  But when one person is the sole breadwinner, I do think the non-breadwinner (for lack of a better word) should give heavier consideration to the breadwinner's desires, in matters related to that person's job.  Certainly not complete and total agreement, but at least real and serious thought to how/if they could make it work moving for a spouse's job.  Perhaps the OP's H has done this and determined that he just can't.  And that's fine if he truly has.  But it sounds more like he has just dismissed the idea out of hand.  

This. My husband and I live an hour north of all of my friends and family. It isn't far but most of them do not want to make the trip, especially in the winter because we get far more snow than my loved ones do in the city. 

We moved because we both wanted to buy a house and also to live much closer to my husband's job. He is the breadwinner and his career takes precedence. My husband has told me that he wants to be out of his current company by 2018. He would like to move to a different province altogether. I told him that I would be willing to do that if there was a substantial increase in our income. It is unlikely that my husband will be able to find a worthwhile position, especially so far away from where we live now.

My husband has said that he would like to move even closer to his job and his current commute is only 30 mins. Despite the fact that I am not the breadwinner, my husband is willing to stay in the same area that we live in now because I love it so much. It is all about compromise. 

@mrosevevoda I see many issues that you are having just now. Your resentment because you are the breadwinner is palpable. I would feel the same way so I don't hold that against you. If you move to make 40K more than you earn now, that situation will probably not change. Are you okay with that? 

I think that careers come before friends and family. Your husband can always make new friends and he can visit his family. He can also use Skype or Facebook messenger. There's no reason why someone should always live in the same place. In this day and age, that kind of mindset just isn't realistic. 

It could be helpful to sell your condo when your husband is earning more and buy a place together, so that perhaps he can feel more like he had more say in where you live as a married couple. I don't think that viewing income as "your" money is helpful either. I do not earn income but my husband never refers to his salary as "his" money.