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Perspective Needed
I've known A for close to 20 years now. While we were all in college, A got pregnant and dropped out. Since she had her daughter, N, she's called me "Aunt" and I've helped A out with loans or gifts of money b/c N's father ran out on them. At one point during their on and off again relationship, A and N's father were engaged. I had just gotten married. I paid for A and N to be in my wedding b/c it meant a lot to me for them to be there and I knew A couldn't afford to be a bridesmaid. When A was planning here wedding to N's dad, I found out I wasn't going to be asked to be in it when A asked me to make her programs for her and started listing all of our other friends as bridesmaids but not me. I was hurt and said so. Shortly after this, N's dad ran out and fell off the face of the earth so I let go of my hurt to support my friend (more money, i made sure N has christmas gifts, helped pay for school trips, babysat for free b/c I teach and has the same days off as N).
A few years later, A met someone and they got engaged. That relationship ended after he started to abuse her, so I don't know how far along she got in wedding plans and if I was ever going to be asked to be in that one.
Then A has a fling and got pregnant. She threw a fit that her family wasn't going to plan her baby shower on her terms (she didn't like the date or place selected) and was upset b/c they told her it was then or no shower. A few of her friends were talking about trying to put something together for her, so I offered to host (knowing that these friends would leave me with most of the bill and all of the work).
The day of the shower I get NO thanks. Her new boyfriends (yes, a new boyfriend that is NOT that father of the baby) came into my house and tried to take over. She brought games, after we'd said we weren't going to have them, and other favors. I was pissed as I spent a lot of time and money planning the shower and A was going on and on about the handmade blanket sis gave her as a gift and how cute the favors were (no matter that I'd already purchased other stuff and bought and prepared all the food and decorations and had to do extra cleaning). They're taking pictures and not once did A stop and say "hey come here, you planned and hosted, get in here!" She had her shower in my house with my money and couldn't be bothered to make sure the person who made the shower happen got into a few pictures.
So A gets engaged to the new BF. I start to see "A asked me to be in the wedding and I said yes" pop up on her oldest friends (grade school vs. me from college). I think, ok, maybe she's keeping it small just these two friends and her sisters and step-sis would make it a large party so I was hurt but sucked it up. Then A posts her wedding web site. Listed as a bridesmaid is one of her two sisters, her step sis, two old friends and "C" - "this chick I met a year ago and blah, blah, blah." I was so hurt by this. I've known her for 16 years and she can't ask me to be in her wedding? After all I've done for her? I fully understand that she can ask whomever she likes to be in her wedding. What hurts is that this is the 3rd time I wasn't asked, showing me that I apparently value her friendship way more than she does mine. You ask your closest friends to be in your wedding, right?
I declined invites to all pre-wedding activities and didn't send gifts. I declined the wedding invite and didn't send a gift. No comments from A.
Every year since N was old enough, I've purchased tickets to take her to the Nutcracker and then we go to dinner or lunch. This is not cheap.
I've come to realize that A values my friendship when I can buy something for her kid(s) or do something for her. So I've decided that since I'm treated as a bank, I'm closing it down. N is upset that I am not taking her to see the Nutcracker this year. A has not said anything to me yet, but I know she's going be bitching soon. Another friend of ours, L, is N's godfather. When L got married, he and his wife decided to cut back on gifts that xmas and not get one for N, as he'd done in the past b/c they were saving for a house. A hit the roof, screaming about how disappointed N would be and you "just can't change that after years!" so I know I'm in for the same soon.
My brother was out with N last night who was apparently crying to him about not going to the Nutcracker. He called to chew me out and said I was being petty and punishing N. While I acknowledge that my stand of "I'm not good enough for you unless it involves massive amounts of money" is hurting N, this is my first and best chance of getting through to A that bank of me is closed and that I fully realize that our friendship was based on her using me for what I could do for her and her kids.
Do I buy tickets for The Nutcracker and take N as I usually do so that she is not hurt by my feud with her mom, or am I right in thinking that A has been using me all these years and N is a casualty of war.
Re: Perspective Needed
I would NOT take it out on a kid. N shouldn't be a casualty, at least not this directly.
You said you feel like a bank: isn't that enough reason right there to perhaps give thought to calling it quits and a day with this so-called friendship?
She sounds nutty.....and admit it: you are treated like crud by her because you let her.
Give thought to phasing out your "friendship" with this person -- and set your stakes and sights higher. If you are looking for a good friend, try joining groups where you are sure to meet a person of quality. Try fundraisers or volunteering or maybe sign up for group sports lessons, like tennis.
Unless it is a financial hardship, I also think you should take N to see the Nutcracker. I get the impression that you are an important person in this young woman's life. Quite frankly, she has a mother who makes bad choices in life. Bad choices with men. Can't handle her own finances. And I suspect N needs more positive role models.
The good news is, although the relationship with N's mother has certainly waned and for good reason, N is getting old enough that it will be possible to continue a relationship with her while still keeping A at arm's length.
With all that said, no one is ever obligated to buy anyone else a gift. I don't think it makes you a bad person if you chose not to. And N showed bad manners in crying about it to your brother. But perhaps it was not so much the gift she was crying about, but what your not taking her to this event means for your all's relationship. I'm sure N knows about the tension between you and her mom. Maybe she is worried about totally losing her relationship with you because of it and saw the ending of the Nutcracker tradition as a clear sign that is exactly what is happening. KWIM?