Burnt Out?

Knottie18528253

My fiance and I have been together for 3.5 years. We've been having sex for almost 2. I really love sex, and he used to, but we would do it so much when we first started that he got burnt out really fast. We've been having sex, but maybe only 2 or 3 times a month at most. I want more, but he's burnt out. We've taken long breaks before. I have some unknown medical problem where we can't have skin on skin contact, and I can't do anything to myself at all, so the only option is sex with a condom. How can I get him back in the mood? Not necessarily to overdo it, but just so I can get the pleasure I want and need that I can't get otherwise?

TarponMonoxide

Knottie18528253 said:

My fiance and I have been together for 3.5 years. We've been having sex for almost 2. I really love sex, and he used to, but we would do it so much when we first started that he got burnt out really fast. We've been having sex, but maybe only 2 or 3 times a month at most. I want more, but he's burnt out. We've taken long breaks before. I have some unknown medical problem where we can't have skin on skin contact, and I can't do anything to myself at all, so the only option is sex with a condom. How can I get him back in the mood? Not necessarily to overdo it, but just so I can get the pleasure I want and need that I can't get otherwise?


He "used to love sex"???

Honey: there is no such thing as a red blooded man who "used to" like sex!!!

That said:
Have you spoken to him at all about how you feel, what you want and how you'd love for the 2 of you to be red hot again?

If not, do.

Communication is key.

You say he is is "burnt out."

That doesn't sound good to me --- passion waxes and wanes, especially after you have been an established couple who has been to gether for a bit of awhile---  and anybody on this board will tell you there are days that they can go without sex...and they will also say that in the waning stage, they can't get enough of each other.

2 or 3 times a month doesn't sound right. 2 or 3 times a month would be more or less for a couple together for many many years, not for a couple who is together a shade under 4 years..

I don't want to be the bearer of bad news but it could also be that the relationship has run its course and that the relationship more or less is over.  Or maybe it was based on horniness in the first place.

You plan on marrying him?

I would, if I were you, call off the wedding until you and he sit down and discuss at length the current state of affairs of your sex life -- and also discuss the state of affairs of your lives outside of the bedroom. These problems tend to go hand in hand.

See a sex therapist together, and also privately.

Something isn't right here and you cannot get married with the way things are and you don't feel right about what's happening with your sex life.  You need a stable happy relationship to build a foundation for a successful marriage.

"We've taken long breaks before" is also quite telling. You plan to marry this guy -- you are serious about each other -- but there are long breaks as in "Let's take a vacation from each other; don't have sex wiuth anyone while we are apart"???

This in itself is bad. news.

This is the same thing as an, on again off again thing.. No couple who is together solidly "takes breaks."

There was this friend of ours named Marcia --- that is all Marcia ever did with her boyfriend John: take long breaks away from each other because their relationship was so rocky!

They'd fight and then "take breaks." Yep, with "...and while we are apart, don't have sex with anyone." We kept telling her how bad this was --- she never listened to us.

She wasted 10 years on John....until HE was the one who called it off. Told Marcia he never loved her and ghastly, this with her son in the vehicle with her and John. Horrid.

And your kid gets to hear that this guy never loved his mother. (John needed a major lambasting for that but that's another story)

If you mean take sexual breaks....not so good either.

Perhaps you should cut through all of this red tape and call it a day with him right now. Do you need this kind of rocky bullshit? Living under a Sword of Damocles with breaks and a sexual no-man's land??? Wanting more when this guy won't ante up for you and make sure YOU are happy???

There is also the outside possibility that he is involved with another person.

If he is not into the relationship anymore and he doesn't wish to continue, he owes it to you to be honest. Same goes for you: if you are unhappy with the way things are proceeding and you don't think it is worth it to continue, say so.

And if your sex life with him stinks now, it will remain that way. It won't improve unless he is 100% enthusiastically committed to fixing it.

When you are married, any problems you have while you were still unmarried to that person will carry over into your marriage and thanks to a legal bind, the problem will become permanent. More or less walk away while you can, right now? That's what it comes down to.

IF this isn't something that can be fixed -- and you and he are willing to work on it together --- be smart and go your separate ways.

Find a guy who loves having sex with you...and who is still rarin' to go months and years and yeah, decades, into being in a relationship/marriage with you.  Do not undersell yourself and don't settle for something you are not happy with. Sex isn't the whole in a marriage or relationship but it is highly important.

If he doesn't make the effort to fix things even after you'e spoken and seen a sex therapist, do yourself a favor: find a new guy. Why should you settle for a guy who isn't willing to make sure you are happy in all areas of your relationship?

2 to 3 times a week would be great.

Above all, do not plan to marry him until the problem is fixed. If it cannot be fixed, say goodbye to him. Don't fish where the fishing isn't good.

For yourself:

See a dermatologist -- it could be possible you are allergic to his sperm --- it is rare but it happens.... and for yourself, see a sex therapist on your own and a marriage/couples counselor.

You have a relationship that's loaded with problems and the biggest one is a guy who "used to" love sex.

Put yourself first. Good luck.

I myself would say this relationship's run its course and all of this was horniness-driven on his part.  Either way, like I said, put yourself first.  Don't settle for something that is not going to be suitable to your future.

TarponMonoxide

And think about this one:

You and he are taking breaks now?

What is this guy planning on doing if you are married to him?

Does he think he can take a break from his marriage, also, that is legal and binding???  He cannot do that and you would be a fool to consent to it.

The more I think of it, this relationship should never have been.

Get your financial ducks in a row -- I do not know if you own anything with this gent --- and once they are in a row, tell him goodbye.

This relationship isn't for you and I don't believe it ever was.

He is not dependable --- taking breaks and he just takes off? Uh, do you know where he was during those times and who he was with? This "breaks" shit is just that: shit and nothing more. This is not for you.

Knottie18528253

Okay. I know I asked for advice but I'm going to clarify a few things. First off, this is the same feminist BS that gives the real feminists who want equality (like myself) a bad name. In the case of a woman asking, the man needs to suck it up or get dumped? But if it were a MAN asking, oh would he have hell to pay. He would be a sexist pig who just wants sex. How dare you think I base my whole relationship on sex. You think because we're not having sex as much as I would like that I shouldn't marry him? What if we get back in the groove, get married, have kids, and then he needs another sexual break? Am I just supposed to dump him and take the kids? Oh and because I'm a woman who believes I need sex to have a great relationship and he's scum for not giving it to me, I'll take the kids and he won't get to see them. I am marrying this man because I love him. How DARE you say otherwise!! We took sexual breaks because I wanted to give him time. And besides, why is he the one to blame for everything? You think he initiated these breaks? You think he doesn't feel bad about this? I am so overwhelmingly appalled by this. The only problem we're having is our amount of sexual desire doesn't line up. That's what I asked for advice on. I didn't ask you to analyze the quality of our relationship and I didn't need you telling me that because he doesn't have sex with me 3 times a day that he doesn't love me. Sex is a stress reliever. This would be like me saying (assuming you're married) that because your husband doesn't go with you to get manicures together all the time that you should get divorced. We are very much in love, we have discussed our relationship, and we are not calling off our wedding because I'm horny. I can't believe you would have the nerve to tell someone to leave the person that makes them happy. This man is the best thing to ever happen to me. But you must not understand actual love since you base your relationship on sex. I ask for advice on how to turn my fiancé on. I was expecting "try surprising him with sexy new lingerie" or something. Not "oh my god you shouldn't be in this relationship. You never should have. You need to leave him. You don't know me and you don't know him and you have NO right to suggest that.

TarponMonoxide

Whoa --- wow, hold on!!!

You're addressing me????

Geesh --- and cheez louise --- I only gave it to you straight and laid it on the line (as it were, anyway, no pun intended here).

The thing is this:

You have to see it for what it is ---- and if sex is important to you --- and I am sure it is --- you are going to have to ask yourself if you can settle for what is pretty much only a sometime thing sex life.

He is way too young for this kind of "sexual hiatus." As I said, 2 or 3 times a month is for couples together for many years --- probably upwards of 40 or more.

Knottie18528253 said:

Okay. I know I asked for advice but I'm going to clarify a few things. First off, this is the same feminist BS that gives the real feminists who want equality (like myself) a bad name. In the case of a woman asking, the man needs to suck it up or get dumped? But if it were a MAN asking, oh would he have hell to pay. He would be a sexist pig who just wants sex. How dare you think I base my whole relationship on sex.

Whoa... where is this coming from???

I never said you based your entire relationship on sex!!! Show me where I said that.

Look at my answer --- I said sex is important in a relationship; it isn't everything...but it is important.

You think because we're not having sex as much as I would like that I shouldn't marry him?

Well, here is the thing: apparently he has given up on beling a great deal more sexually active.,....

HE is not doing his part to keep you happy.... and making sure your mate is happy in all areas of your relationship is his duty, just as it is your duty to make sure he is happy with everything in the relationship.

I also asked you if you spoke to him. Judging from your content, you have had no dialog with him -- I suggest you do so asap.

He owes it to you to give you an explanation and owes it to you to work on this problem with you: As I said, he has to be dependable in all departments and if he won't ensure he antes up for at least 2 times a week, it doesn't bode well for your rleatrionship.

I said "Do not marry him until the problem is addressed and it is fixed" and do not do so until you are satisfied with the outcome.

What if we get back in the groove, get married, have kids, and then he needs another sexual break?


Your 2 key words are "what if."

Daunting, isn't it?

And are you willing to put up with a "sexual break" once again? (I do not think this is just a break...I think the whole thing has run its course.

Maybe you don't like to hear this...but it's something you have to consider.)a

Am I just supposed to dump him and take the kids?

Uh, to have kids you have to have intercourse.

And he isn't doing his bit to make sure you are happy in the bedroom.

And you're still actively planning on marrying him -- minus a talk and minus the sex life you want?

Oh and because I'm a woman who believes I need sex to have a great relationship and he's scum for not giving it to me,


I never said he was scum! Gee, I hope you mean that facetiously!

I'll take the kids and he won't get to see them. I am marrying this man because I love him.

You're getting WAYYYY ahead of yourself!!!

How DARE you say otherwise!! We took sexual breaks because I wanted to give him time.

You never said this.,..and are you supposed to live under this kind of Sword of Damocles --- this is confusing; how is taking  sexual breaks going to get your sex life back to what it should be?

I advised you to see a sex therapist and a relationship/marriage counselor -- on your own -- and I advised the 2 of you to see a sex therapist jointly.

Something isn't right here when a guy isn't active in the bedroom with the woman he is going to marry! You should be growing closer together and instead there is a growing rift, by reason of the fact you are being frozen out sexually and he doesn't seem to want to end that freeze out.

This isn't good.


And besides, why is he the one to blame for everything? You think he initiated these breaks? You think he doesn't feel bad about this?

He is red hot for you and he okayed these breaks.

Sorry but this makes no sense -- and if he felt bad, he'd be doing anything and everything to get back on track with you.

I see no movement on that front, from what you reported here.

I am so overwhelmingly appalled by this.

Overwhemingly appalled?

Over what -- what I had the balls to say???

Great....now that you're pissed off, maybe you can use some of that energy to demand that he fix this with you---  yes, demand! You are well within your rights to do so! This is 50 years of a life with him that we are talking about...can you live without the sex life you want for a potential 50 years???

Think about it.

The only problem we're having is our amount of sexual desire doesn't line up.

Sorry, but that is a major factor: a major problem.

That's what I asked for advice on. I didn't ask you to analyze the quality of our relationship and I didn't need you telling me that because he doesn't have sex with me 3 times a day that he doesn't love me.

3 times a day?

Honey, you said he just about manages 3 times a month!

(I know of nobody who is having sex 3 times a day....nobody at all...and if they lay claim to doing so, sorry: I don't believe everything I hear.;) )

Sex is a stress reliever. This would be like me saying (assuming you're married) that because your husband doesn't go with you to get manicures together all the time that you should get divorced.

Now you're getting crazy with the comparisons. What you said makes no sense.

We are very much in love, we have discussed our relationship, and we are not calling off our wedding because I'm horny. I can't believe you would have the nerve to tell someone to leave the person that makes them happy.

Well, you are willing to marry him despite the fact you are not thrilled with your sex life and even though he can't manage to do something about it?

YOu want to get married to have a roommate?

You will be doing exactly that if you do,.

This man is the best thing to ever happen to me.

Which is why you are off the walls and over the moon about your sex life with him.

Sorry, but a guy who cannot ensure his wife is happy isn't great to me.

But you must not understand actual love since you base your relationship on sex.

What is happening between you and he isn't normal and it is not good news. I told you to talk to him about this frankly and at length: did you even bother to do that much this weekend???

I ask for advice on how to turn my fiancé on. I was expecting "try surprising him with sexy new lingerie" or something.

Not every guy is into lingerie. And you are with him over 3 years: you should know by now what he likes and what he doesn't like. And if you don't...that's a horse of a whole other color.

Not "oh my god you shouldn't be in this relationship. You never should have. You need to leave him. You don't know me and you don't know him and you have NO right to suggest that.

And as for that statement: I do not think this relationship is for you. Your sex life with him has diminished. This isn't good....

And I suggest you stop throwing words around that didn't happen. I very honestly told you my opinion.

This is up to you to decide what you want to do about this.

A talk with him is merited. He may think 2 times a month is great for  you being you have not said anything!

Talk to him. Do that...even just that alone....

And you decide what you want to do.

I am still sticking to my guns: call off the wedding until the problem is fixed. Yes, for as long as that takes...and is fixed to your satisfaction. YOu will be entering a marriage with a big problem on your hands -- and one that will be permanent, like I said, for fact of the matter you are now legally bonded to him.

The choice is yours.

TarponMonoxide

Before she deletes....

Knottie18528253 said:

My fiance and I have been together for 3.5 years. We've been having sex for almost 2. I really love sex, and he used to, but we would do it so much when we first started that he got burnt out really fast. We've been having sex, but maybe only 2 or 3 times a month at most. I want more, but he's burnt out. We've taken long breaks before. I have some unknown medical problem where we can't have skin on skin contact, and I can't do anything to myself at all, so the only option is sex with a condom. How can I get him back in the mood? Not necessarily to overdo it, but just so I can get the pleasure I want and need that I can't get otherwise?

TarponMonoxide

As I said:

A guy does not burn out on sex.

A relationship can --- and this means this is over....

But guys never ever burn out on sex. It doesn't happen. No such man is in creation.

He has shut the bedroom door for only a reason he can give you...or he's out getting his share from somebody else (a possibility that you cannot rule out)

Something is way off here....again, talk to him and if he will not fix this problem with you, you've got a very long road ahead of you with this guy.

The OP doesn't want to hear it that there is a problem and doesn't want to hear it that this relationship may have run its course.

She is probably counting on the big "oh look at the pretty princess" wedding...has her heart set on it...and it's what we all do next, right?

The vow is "forsaking all others" --- she is not yet married to this guy and he has already forsaken her.

You also let nothing come between you and your significant other and you let nothing come between you and your spouse. Their lack of a sufficient and satisfying sex life has already come between them...

And the topic of your sex life WILL come up during premarital counseling or during pre cana!

You will be asked hard questions...and you will have to face the music there.

The OP's FI should be throwing her onto the bed or the floor or thrown onto something in whatever room they are in --  and he should be tearing off her clothes and having endless hot sex with her! 

He should be doing this multiple times each month!

Instead what is happening here? Mr. Frigid is not doing his husbandly duty....and to me, when you do nothing about it -- him that is.... --- that to me means a person doesn't care.

As I said, you are supposed to be growing closer together --- he should not be able to keep his hands off you!

Instead, what is happening? There's already a chasm of distance between both of you and the bedroom door is closed and you won't even sit down and ask him what's going on???

You also have a communication problem. Now is not the time to be a "good girl" about sex: your future with him is depending upon this problem being fixed!

TarponMonoxide

Aw, gee -- what the heck! I gotta say it...

You know, he is a wonderful guy. Devoted to you; that's why he wants to marry you! He thinks the world of you!

You have a beautiful life coming up together...and that wedding day will seal your golden future together. It will be a fantastic day to preview a fantastic life together --- the 2 of you should be so proud of each other!

You are positively glowing in your post...it's weird; I can't see you but I can feel it here!

He's a great guy and things will change. Just give him time; he is honorable and as I said, devoted to you; he thinks the world of you. You can count on him!

Go ahead and marry him!

In fact, shout it from the rooftops together! You 2 are crazy like that and this is what devoted couples do: crazy in love things like this that are so zany and so loopy! lol....you'll laugh about shouting that out on your 50th anniversary, on your 75th and beyond!

Wow....this is going to be some wild and crazy and love filled life together! Wishing you the bestest!