Sex & Romance
flutterbygirl
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I think my husband is not attracted to me anymore...
It did not post the first time:
When my H and I got engaged and when we were first married our sex life was amazing. We both initiated at random times during the day and even at night when one of us would wake up we would initiate. We have now been married 6 ½ years and the last year or so everything has changed. I will try and initiate and put on something sexy or start touching or kissing him and it is like he is not interested. We cant just do it we have to wait until we are both going to bed and then have sex in there if we have it at all. Last night I said something to him and he told me that it is a rumor that guys constantly think about sex and want to do it all the time and that they are supposed to jump up and down if a woman mentions it to them. I know he is not cheating on me, but I just think that he is not attracted to me anymore. I don’t know what to do. Any thoughts or ideas?
When my H and I got engaged and when we were first married our sex life was amazing. We both initiated at random times during the day and even at night when one of us would wake up we would initiate. We have now been married 6 ½ years and the last year or so everything has changed. I will try and initiate and put on something sexy or start touching or kissing him and it is like he is not interested. We cant just do it we have to wait until we are both going to bed and then have sex in there if we have it at all. Last night I said something to him and he told me that it is a rumor that guys constantly think about sex and want to do it all the time and that they are supposed to jump up and down if a woman mentions it to them. I know he is not cheating on me, but I just think that he is not attracted to me anymore. I don’t know what to do. Any thoughts or ideas?
Re: I think my husband is not attracted to me anymore...
1-How long has this been going on?
2-Have you had an honest and at length conversation with him, and outside of the bedroom?
If it's been more than 6 months, you have a problem.
You still need to talk to him -- commitments are based on communication; without that, there is nothing -- and he owes it to you to fix this problem with you. No argument no excuses: fix it with you.
You may also be in a sexual rut.
Get some sex manuals for couples -- mainstream bookstores carry them -- explore that possibility --- and consider the shower and bath-for-2 suggestion.
If he will not fix this, you have another problem on your hands. Nip this in the bud now. GL.
We do not have any children, he says he wants to try later this year but I am not sure if that is true.
I just am baffled because I just want to be close to him and I love sex and I want it to be like it used to be. But he just does not seem to want any part of it. I have tried to talk to him and he just tells me that he does love me and is attracted to me and he loves having sex he just does not understand why I expect him to immediately jump up and want it too when I bring it up.
For a guy???
This really is very very strange. And it doesn't sound good to me.
YOu both will be nice and clean and pretty well rarin' to go for a lot of fun afterwards. It is also the intimacy of showering...it's to be close to each other also.
Something is wrong here.
I suggest you make it a priority to get an appointment with a sex therapist and a marriage counselor asap --- go on your own.
Tell that person what you told us and see what he or she says.
None of what you told us is good news. And this is hurtful to you too -- what was all of this with the staycation sex --- a game and a show put on for you??? You bet it's confusing and you bet it's maddening. Plus it's an insult to you.
Do not plan on having any kids until you and he fix this together. This sure isn't the time to think about a family and not even for next year. I do not think you want to bring a child into the strain your marriage is now under.
You both are experiencing a crisis and you need to fix this together.
I don't know if he has shut the bedroom door, is having an affair, is gay or simply just is not interested in having sex anymore --- he is the only one who can tell you.
It also can very well be he is not a sexual kind of guy nor will he ever be.
I don't know what he "looks" like --- is this perhaps a body image thing -- has he gained a lot of weight since you were married, or is experiencing some kind of problem where he doesn't feel comfortable getting naked? That's a long shot. I don't know how he looks and even if he did gain a ton: you love him for him! It would be the same if you became quite heavy or became way too thin: he married you for you.
Go see a sex therapist and a marriage counselor. What you are up against is not normal. GL.
If he will not work on this problem with you and resolve it so that it is to your satisfaction -- may take awhile...
You can do one of a few things:
1-If the idea of an open relationship is something you like and want, he can give you permission to do so
Sex is not the only thing in a relationship, but it is extremely important. Like money and religion -- and communication! -- you and your mate have to be in the same ball park and on the same page, together, about all of these issues.
Up to you to decide.
Also: Please don't delete.
There may be a few more ladies -- and guys --- out here who want to offer their opinions -- besides, I have already quoted you.
Deleting also isn't cool....this is an anonymous board and unless you;ve posted photos nobody knows who you are, anyways...so you might as well leave the post as is.:)
As far as the image goes, we have both gained some weight in our marriage, which we are both in the process of trying to lose, in hopes that maybe someday we can start a family. Right now though he just says he likes sex at night before bed because it calms him down. I just feel like everything is always on his terms.
I won’t delete this, I need advice and maybe my problem will help someone else who may be in a similar situation.
I am with you on the drop in anytime thing --- you may not want company for any variety of reason. Plus he's got to be a team with you on this and he isn't doing that.
I used to think that something like this is a cultural thing; I don't buy into that anymore. No matter what culture you are from, you are still supposed to be one integral unit with your spouse and that's a given. I suggest you and he get marriage counseling to rectify this problem: they cannot drop in any time. It makes no sense to allow company at any time of day or night.
He will have to be with you 100% as far as marriage counseling goes and if not, it will be worthless for him to attend. If you and he can't get the teamwork thing fixed, you've got a rough road ahead of the both of you.
Suppose you had kids and you had a rough day with them; kid has cried all day long and has refused to eat anything and everything you have done is to no avail --- and now it's 8pm -- screaming tantrum from the kiddo, won't listen to you, you have to chase the kiddo through the house to try to corral him, the screaming worsens, you are chasing more....you are at your wit's end and ready to scream yourself.....and the doorbell rings and it is MIL...or Bro In Law...
Uh....what now, with the kiddo screaming and crying blue murder? You're supposed to be up for this company????
Do you see where this is going and why this can't continue?
Right now it is just so hard because he grew up being an adult in place of his father not doing anything around the house, he still feels like he has to be there every second for his mom. I constantly bring up the bible verse "a man must leave his mother and father and be joined to his wife" but it doesnt seem to do any good.
I just want to feel like I am a priority instead of "well we have forever together so why does it matter if I do this now"
You are right: the vow is "forsaking all others" --- he has to be one with you. What you have described is not only not right, it's downright rude! you're expected to be at his brother's and mother's beck and call and you have no say?
You've got to talk to him about this and lay down the line. He doesn't get it, not one word of it. That you put up with nearly 7 years of this kind of mess --- and more than that, because he did this when you were just dating and not married yet --- amazes me. You hair should have ripped out completely months ago.
The visits and the closed bedroom door end now. IF this means you tell the drop in visitor to go home, you do it -- and who cares what your H thinks. Does he care what you think? He lets these impromptu little get togethers continue.
If this means you demand he ante up in the bedroom at least twice a week, do it. If he doesn't comply, you decide where to take this freeze out of his --- you didn't marry for a roommate. If you wanted a roommate, you'd have gotten one on your own. A guy who needs a fire lit under him? How sad...for him, not YOU.
The decision is going to have to be yours: you can decide to somehow live with the mess your H made or you can decide to take your life into another direction; doubtful he will 100% be on the bus with you for counseling. The choice is yours.
He says he is attracted to me and he loves me. But I just dont feel it. He said to me the other day that he is sorry if we are not having enough sex, he said he would work on it. However he said that either I am tired or something else comes up and we dont have sex. I told him if we didnt wait until we were going to bed it would not be a problem. Or if he would try and initiate. I guess I just need to feel wanted and sexy and loved. I miss the excitement and the fire we used to have. Now it just seems bland and like we use the same position and then we are done, sadly for a couple of weeks at a time.
I just feel more like a best friend than a wife. I know we are supposed to be both but it feels more friendly than anything else right now.