Trouble in Paradise
wheelsonthebus
member
Dear Community,
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Husband/drinking/can't forgive?
I don't post on here much anymore, but I lurk often. My H and I will be married ten years this summer. We have two children. We got married young and my H has been an excessive drinker from the beginning. Like we so often hear, I thought he'd grow out of his partying ways. He has come a long way and I guess that's why I'm really struggling. I've come close to leaving him many times, but he always shapes up. He hasn't ever completely quit drinking and I know that's where I've made my mistake. I should have insisted on that.
H has always been a big kid. His parents never held him accountable for anything. He had a DUI and car accident at 18 and they literally and figuratively bailed him out time and time again. We met in college and he was kind and funny and aside from liking to party, everything was pretty good. I was struggling with severe anxiety and put up with a lot more than I should have. We got married right after college. We had DS soon after. Getting emotional and physical support from H was always a struggle, but he would make improvements in baby steps. When I had DD, I had severe post partum depression. H would leave me for weekends at a time with two young children and a raging anxiety/depression problem. It was the most awful time of my life. He didn't want to hear it and let me struggle. My mother got me through that tough time and with the help of medication, I recovered. H finally "woke up" a year ago and started helping more around the house, drinking a bit less, and being supportive. The one thing he can't seem to move past is the drinking. While he drinks much MUCH less, he still has anywhere from 2-8 drinks a night (most nights) and will drive, on occasion, intoxicated.
I'm tired of holding this family together. Even with his strides to better himself, I feel like I've shut down. Ever since the PPD issue, I haven't been able to fully forgive him and every time he drinks too much or drives after drinking, I sink a little lower.I feel like I'm finally strong enough mentally and confident in myself to see that I don't deserve someone that spent most of our marriage half-assing things. It hasn't all been bad. He's a good guy and he's loved by many people because of this. However, they don't have to be married to him. I hate the idea of splitting our family up because he's worked so hard and come so far, but part of me is afraid that I still won't forgive him even if he does completely stop his drinking.
I think I know the answer to me "what should I do?" question, but does anybody have any advice or thoughts? I can get over the guilt and the fear of breaking up our family, but as my children grow, I know that the alternative (him crashing his car or worse) isn't great either. Thanks for reading and listening. It's obviously hard to put the WHOLE story down so if I've missed anything I'm happy to answer any questions. Thanks.
Warning
No formatter is installed for the format bbhtml
Re: Husband/drinking/can't forgive?
Get your finances in a row tomorrow. Get the PIN numbers of your atm cards changed and put your money in another account or a few, where he cannot access any of your money. Take your valuables -- any jewelry you have -- and lock it up in a safety deposit box.
When that is finished and done: Take the kids and leave.
Do this when he is not home.
Just you and the kids; leave everything else there. Fuck the clothes and the furniture and anything else. That can be replaced. Just GO.
Take money and if you have to, sell your wedding ring and erring -- go to a hock shop -- and then go home to your mother and father. I am suggesting them because it is the most logical place for you to go: they cannot and will not turn you away.
When you get to your parent's place, get an attorney and have the bum served. Divorce him---- he is poison to you and to the life of your kids.
He is a drunken bum and undependable. You cannot trust him and you resent the hell out of him --- plus he is endangering the lives of everyone he crosses paths with because he is driving drunk.
Get yourself counseling; it is a MUST. You married a drunk and you became an enabler, a codependent and a substitute mother for this asshole. This was never a marriage.
I cannot figure out why you even bothered to date a drunk. Don't tell me "this is college and everyone drank..." Bullshit -- a drunk is a drunk. His parents have covered his ass since high school -- he has been a drunk since age 14 (to my estimation) and wow, maybe even longer than that,.
And bless his little pointed head....he gifted his kids with an addictive personality, thanks to his drunkenness. Your kids might become drunks like Daddy or they might have a gambling addiction, become very overweight, maybe a spending addiction or might develop an addiction of some other type. They can thank Dad for this.
Do as I say.
Ordinarily I'd have advised you to say "I love you but not your drinking. Call me when you are sober and clean with the help of AA and you've been so for a while and you can prove it" -- but this marriage is shot to hell.
EVen if he's never touched a drop in his life, that he took off when you and he had a crisis -- your PPD --- shows me that he's no man at all: He is to stand by you in a time like that, not take off because he can't stand the heat that is in the kitchen.
And his parents....aiyiyiyiyiyi...his parents ....I can imagine what visits are like with you and your spouse and the kiddoes.... these people are weak and demented. They failed as parents to your spouse. Grandparents are supposed to be people your kids can look up to and admire and hope to emulate; in this case, a big fat no.
Do as I suggested. This is your only way to a future that has any security to it and any happiness. Your spouse effed up and effed up big time. Get rid of that piece of trash tomorrow.
I have shared my story here before. My husband and I have been through a lot in our married life. We have been through two job losses, a chronic disease, a miscarriage and the absolute worse; having to bury our first child when she was 4 months old. She was born premature and with 3 heart defects, a defect in her trachea and a defect in her duodenum. She spent her entire life in the hospital. This is something I never ever imagined happening to me. That is why I am forever grateful that I married a man with strong character. He was by my side when I thought I was losing my mind to grief. I remember my anxiety was so bad that I would throw up stomach bile every day and one time almost had a nervous breakdown over a swollen lymphnode. Oh my, it was such a dark time. But through it all my husband was my stronghold. We went on to have three healthy children and he is a fantastic father to them. HE paints my oldest nails. HE pretends to be Captain Hook when my son wants to play Peter Pan. HE puts all three of them to bed because he knows I need a break. He is a blessing to my life and I thank God I had the good sense to marry him. That whole experience taught me how important character is when choosing a husband because you truly have no idea what life has in store for you. So again ask yourself, if this is how your husband behaves when life is relatively easy, will he be there for you when life gets really difficult ?
And as somebody else said, marriage is a contract and a legal one. You have every right to nullify that contract legally if the other party has breeched it and you have a right to nullify the arrangement immediately. There is no two ways about this.
I am willing to bet that your H's parents are a couple of lushes themselves. ANd I am sure that he has been a heavy drinker since before high school. I can't even figure out how this guy got through high school, let alone college.
And he was in an auto accident due to his drinking and he still did not get the message?????
I'm sorry you are going through this. But it's not too late to take your life back and build a healthy environment for yourself and your children.
I'll be honest, as I was reading your post and you were initially describing how he has cut way back on his drinking this year, I was picturing he still drinks a few drinks a couple times a week. I was then floored when I read he drinks 2-8 drinks every night. And that is cutting back? Big yikes. That is a substantial amount to drink. For anybody (at least on an every day basis). But especially for someone who already has a problem with alcohol.
And, the sad thing is, you really can't even give him an ultimatum to "stop drinking or you're leaving". He needs to come to that decision himself. But he hasn't. Despite the problems it has caused in your marriage. Despite the leaving you abandoned when you needed him most. Despite the many occasions when he could have easily left your children fatherless by driving home drunk. Or, even worse, left somebody else's child fatherless or motherless.
Definitely reach out to an Al-Anon chapter. I wish you strength and all the best as you take this next difficult step.