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Problems with my Dad's Girldfriend
Hey:)
Soooo, I need to get something off my chest. It’s about my father’s girlfriend…
Oh and sorry for the extremely long text and all the grammatical and spelling errors; English is not my mother tongue…
After a long and exhausting fight, my mother died in 2010 from cancer. My older sister was 21 and I was 17 years old at the time.
My father had stayed by my mom’s side till the end and did an awesome job of looking after all of us. I still look up to him for all he has done for our family.
About half a year later my sister moved to another city to attend university, I stayed with my dad.
I think my dad was a little scared at the prospect of just the two of us living together; he was afraid that he wouldn’t be enough, that I would need a female caregiver. He also always had a special bond with my sister; they just always knew exactly how to talk to each other, what the other one needed. On top of that I was a really difficult teenager, had been so even before my mom had died. I was a heavy cutter, skipped class a lot and finally flunked out of school, drank a lot, developed a drug problem, lied to everyone and stole everything from everyone, even my sick mother’s morphine and some of her other meds…The list goes on and on and today I feel so ashamed at my past behavior. It also fills me with remorse when I think about the fact, that I can’t show my mother how much I have changed by now, that the last thig my mother felt towards me was disappointment (and rightfully so). I have struggled a long time with that fact, still am sometimes today. But today I’m dealing with it in a different way. Sadly back then it didn’t make me change my behavior, quite the contrary.
Finally my dad dragged me to several therapists. And I cannot even begin to put into words how great my dad handled all of this (again) and how thankful I am for this today. He was always there for me and did everything he could to help me get better. I got clean, went to school again and put some effort into turning my life around.
From that time on we had a really good time together! We were closer than we’ve ever been before and I enjoyed our new found bond a lot.
But my sister and I started to realize that he was probably feeling pretty lonely. So we wanted to talk to him about maybe starting to go on dates again… We didn’t want to pressure him, we just wanted him to know, that it would be okay with us if he started dating again. He wasn’t ready back then; told us that every time he met a woman he could be interested in, he started comparing her to our mother and no woman had stood a chance against her. So we didn’t talk about it anymore.
A little over two and a half years after my mom’s death, me and my sister noticed my dad texting a lot more than normal and being really happy and everything. We knew it had to be about a woman and we were really glad. If anyone deserved to be happy it was my dad.
He later told us a little bit about this new woman and at one point I got to meet her, since I still lived at my dad’s at the time. I was beyond nervous and excited about meeting her. She seemed to be ok though which made me very happy.
Then our dad told us that she was actually still in a relationship with another man and living with him. That was a bit of a shock and neither of us really knew how to handle this, since we have pretty strong feelings about people having affairs. But in the end it was my dad’s business, not ours…
She started coming over more and more and I found it harder and harder to just play along.
Then one day she just didn’t leave anymore. After about 5 days I asked my dad about it and he told me that her partner had found out about them and that she had now moved in with us. To say I was surprised would be an understatement. Suddenly I was living with this woman I hardly knew and no one had even thought about telling me. I was the one telling my sister about it. She hadn’t even met this woman before.
I noticed that she drank a lot and my dad started drinking more again as well. Most of the hurtful things that happened later, happened when she was drunk and she was drunk a lot. Once she almost hit me over the head with a bottle of whisky when she was drunk. She also was driving drunk very often, which is something I have absolutely no tolerance for.
After the first few weeks, it all started to go downhill pretty fast.
In the apartment were still quite a lot of things that had once belonged to my mom. The new woman (let’s call her “A” to make it easier) didn’t like that at all, which I kind of understand. It must be difficult to move into an apartment where you don’t really like the furniture and all and then there’s stuff from your partners dead wife all over the place. I get that you want to change some things so you will be able to feel at home.
But A had a very special way of handling things, I started to discover.
One day I got home and half of our stuff was missing. At first I was scared because for a second I thought that someone had broken into our apartment, that we had been robbed. But in reality it was just A getting rid of all the stuff she didn’t want. Sadly some of the things had been part of MY personal belongings and she had just thrown them away. I got a bit angry but my dad told me I should stop acting bitchy and just get over it, so I tried.
But a little later she started to trash talk my mother.
She called her an egoistic bitch for wanting a grave, since she had only done that so my father would be forced to take care of it and would never be able to completely let go. She said that my mom had ruined my father and his entire life. She was extremely jealous of her; she couldn’t deal with the fact that my mom was still in a way important to my dad.
She made fun of the fact that my mom couldn’t have sex with my dad anymore due to her being so very ill and called her a bad wife for it.
She said that if she would ever get sick like my mother had, she would just put a bullet in her brain instead of doing what my mother had done to my dad, putting all this weight on his shoulders and basically making their marriage a living hell for him.
All of this she did in front of me. My dad didn’t really react.
I called my sister and told her about it and she got incredibly angry at A.
When my sister finally came for a visit it escalated because A started talking shit about our mom again and my sister didn’t accept that. It got to the point where our dad kicked us out. I left (I’m really good at running away…) but my sister stayed because she wanted to talk to our dad. A wouldn’t let her though and attacked her, called her trash and a parasite and some other bad names and so in the end she left as well.
After 3 days of staying at a friend’s place I dared going back home again.
From that time on it just got worse and worse. She threw things away like my mom’s old jewelry without telling us, she continued to talk badly about her, she forbid my father to see his friends, because they started disliking her, etc.… She told me I had no right to tell her how she should or should not talk about my mother in front of me since I should be the one feeling bad for the way I had treated and disappointed my mother. She was right about the fact that I ought to feel bad about that; I already did (and still do). But she knew exactly that I’ve always had a hard time dealing with this and it just hurt to hear her saying that. My dad didn’t really do anything except for telling me that I should be more thankful for all the great things A has done for us.
She also started trash talking my sister a lot. And instead of stopping her my dad actually agreed with her! He didn’t attend my sister’s birthday party nor her graduation (he even forgot about that one).
I wasn’t allowed to eat from their food anymore or eat at the table at the same time as they were. Sometimes though, they would “invite” me and I could eat dinner with them so it wasn’t all that bad…
One day i found plans of an apartment and a contract on the table . When i asked my dad he told me, that they were thiking about moving out. I asked when and he said that he wasn't sure, but probably within the next month. No one had told me about that. Obviously i wasn't included in their plan of a new apartment, which meant i had to find my own place. That wouldn't have been so bad, but someone could have told me a little earlier.... In the end they didn't move though...
One night I got home from a really long shift and I knew I would have to get up again 5 hours later. I just wanted to fall into bed and go to sleep. But I couldn’t; all my shoes were thrown all over my room, some dirty ones from work on my bed, some were even broken. I got so frustrated that I took a picture and sent it to my sister. She called me and convinced me to finally move out. So I moved to my sister and her boyfriend the next day. I didn’t even say goodbye to my dad and in retrospect I feel kinda bad about that…
The distance seemed to help my relationship with my dad. When I finally found a room in a share house he even helped me move my stuff.
My sister wanted to improve her relationship with A so she invited her for dinner to talk about all the things that had happened over the past few years. I wasn’t ready for that so I didn’t attend their meeting. But later my sister told me that it had went well, that A had explained her side of the story which helped my sister understand some of her actions and A had even apologized for some things she had said and done.
We all got along much better.
Then my dad wanted us to sign a contract basically saying that in the case of our father’s death pretty much everything would belong to A. We were not so sure what to do at first. On the one hand we agreed that it was our father’s money, apartment, company and stuff and he should decide who he would want to inherit it. On the other hand, almost all of this had belonged to our mother as well and we didn’t know if we would really want her to inherit our mother’s stuff. We asked for some time to think about it and they reluctantly agreed.
Then Christmas came along and we were invited at their place. We spent the whole afternoon with our dad cooking dinner and it was absolutely awesome! We were laughing a lot, dancing and singing and just generally had a great time together! I haven’t had that great a time with my dad in years.
When in the evening A came home my sister and I immediately realized something was off. She seemed to be in a slightly bad mood, appeared distant. But we thought she was probably just tired.
As the evening progressed it got more and more uncomfortable because A's mood seemed to get worse and we were all kind of walking on eggshells.
Then at one point my sister and I went out for a smoke. Suddenly our dad came out as well, grabbed my sister’s cigarettes and lit one for himself. My dad has stopped smoking about two years ago and we immediately knew that A wouldn't like this one bit. So we tried to talk him out of it but he wouldn’t listen. And then A was there, saw it and just went crazy right then and there. She started saying stuff like “if someone starts smoking again you cannot trust him with anything; he might as well be cheating on you” and called him a lying, cheating bastard. Then she started going on about how we surely have spent the whole afternoon bitching about her behind her back and conspiring against her. And then suddenly she started trash talking my mother again, saying all the stuff she had already said back then and it started to really upset my sister and me. My sister started crying and - to my horror - so did I. I have never cried in front of her before and it made me so angry that she had managed to actually make me cry at that moment. We begged her to stop, our dad told her to stop but she wouldn’t. She was totally hysterical by that point. Her mother, who was there as well, tried to calm her down but it didn’t work. Finally my sister and I couldn’t take it anymore and after thanking our father and saying goodbye we left.
On our way home we discussed the contract we were supposed to sign. We had both planned to sign it up until this evening happened. I just won’t sign anything that means I’m voluntarily letting that woman have something that wouldn’t even exist without the effort and hard work of my mother. My mother, the woman of whom she speaks in such horrible and disgusting ways.
Am I wrong about that? Am I being too harsh? Too unforgiving? I’m afraid of hurting my father in the process. And I don’t want to be an unforgiving bitch. I know exactly how important second and sometimes third chances are, needed some myself. But I also can’t imagine how a woman who’s 50+ years old can be so immature and undiscerning.
I sometimes think that she might be mentally ill which (I think) would explain a lot. And that would be really sad for her and I would hope that she would get better but I don’t really know if that would change the way I feel about her and the things she said.
It’s just sad because I felt like we were going in the right direction to mend our relationship but now I feel like we are back to square one.
Sorry for the incredibly long text, I just had to write that down and get it off my chest…
Thanks and “Chapeau!” to everyone who actually read this whole unnecessarily long text, you deserve a medal for your patience ;-)
Bye,
D
Re: Problems with my Dad's Girldfriend
I am so sorry to hear how this woman has hurt you and your sister's relationship with your dad. I realize I am only hearing one side, but she sounds like a monster. Especially badmouthing your deceased mother. A woman she never met who actually helped shape the man she loves today (your father).
Keep working on yourself to make your own way in this world. If you need to work three part-time jobs to live independently, do that. It may not be possible right away, but get a higher education. Whether that is getting your GED if you didn't graduate, then going to college or a trade school. Oops! I just realized you stated in your post that English isn't your first language. If you aren't in the United States, a GED is basically the equivalent of a high school diploma.
Maintain a relationship with your dad as best you can, even if you have to put up with her on occasion. But try to keep her at arm's length as much as you can. No matter what she says, just don't engage with her. You don't need to defend yourself or your mother to this loon. It will only upset you and not change her mind or behavior anyway.
I don't know if you believe in an afterlife. But I do. Obviously I don't want to be some internet stranger pushing my beliefs on you, but I know your mother is looking down on you and your sister. I'm sure she is proud of you for overcoming the negative person you were in the past and growing into the woman she raised you to be.
As to your dad wanting you and your sister to sign away your inheritance rights, I'm not really understanding that from a legal perspective. He can prepare a will and leave whatever possessions and money he wants to whomever he wants. He doesn't need you all to sign anything. At least, that is how it is in the U.S.
If you can live on your own or with a roommate, I would do that. And just try to keep the lines of communication open with your dad. I think at some point you and your sister do need to sit down with him and just tell him how hurt you get when the GF bad mouths your mom, she didn't know her so she has no right to say anything about her. And maybe even ask him, why he lets her talk about your mother that way. I wouldn't sign the document either because if something happens to your dad right now, everything should go to you and your sister, she's not a spouse, or at this point nor has she been a long time partner. I doubt things will change but make plans to see him on a regular basis to just chat on what is going on with him & how you are doing. If he doesn't seem happy, ask him about it. Just try to keep things going in a way so that if he decides to break things off with her, he doesn't feel like it's "I told you so that she's an evil women." Also let your dad know that you appreciate that he stood by you and got you help and that it's made a difference in your life. And let him know that you are there for him.
Thanks for further explaining the legal part in regards to inheritance. You and your sister should both refuse to sign away your inheritance. Much of the assets your father has was accumulated during his marriage with your mother. Even if he was the primary earner, she helped him earn money by managing the household and taking care of you and your sister. She would obviously want her daughters to have at least some claim over your father's estate rather than his girlfriend.
Quite frankly, your father has been with his girlfriend a fair amount of time, but it is hardly years and years. I also find it weird that he wants to leave his estate to her, yet they aren't even engaged. I wouldn't be surprised if they break up at some point in the future.