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KAat20011

I had no idea it was impossible to delete threads on this website - unreal. I'm editing the original post in an attempt to just remove the conversation. I had a few helpful ideas, so thanks to everyone who chimed in.

VOR

All I can say, as you already know, is don't throw that ultimatum down unless you really mean it.  If you throw it out and it doesn't work, if you don'tleave, well... then you've shown your cards and he'll know he doesn't have to do a damn thing because you'll stay.

And I have to ask - what exactly have you built with him? YOu've bought a house.  O.k, so what else?  He sleeps most of his life away - what do you all do together?  what kind of life do you actually have together?

I"m not saying that to make you feel bad.  I want you to really analyze what you're saying.

Good luck.  I know it will be hard to walk - and you HAVE to be ready that nothing will change - but is staying REALLY an option???

TarponMonoxide

He is sleeping all of these hours and he isn't upset and concerned for his own health, to the point he sought a physician's advice and looked into the benefits of a sleep clinic?

Boy do I ever smell a big fat rat here....and a "sleepy" big fat rat. Rats are nocturnal are they not???

How is Adderall used for "Stress"??

KAat20011 said:

Husband and I have been married for almost 3 years. Before we married, I knew that he was a sleeper (he often slept in until 11 or 12), and I knew that he took adderall. When we discussed these things, he would say that it was due to his stressful job.


What exactly does he do for a living that it is so very stressful??? Adderall is the drug of choice for childhood ADD (used to be called hyperactivity and these kids used to outgrow their problem but that's another story). Educate yourself -- find out what the clinical indications are for prescription of such a powerful drug....for a stressful job??? I am thinking "nope.:"

http://www.drugs.com/adderall.html

Don't rule out drug abuse here. I would not.

In the last year or so, though, these things have magnified and worsened. He sleeps until 3 or 4pm, and sleeps intermittently throughout the evening.

Something is fishy here and odd:  you are "sleeping" for all of thse long hours, something is amiss here.

See my note after this post. Something is weird here

I considered the fact that his medication is simply being too high of a dose. To sleep all around the clock is bad news.

And if his medication is too high of a dose: dangerous for him. it can suppress his breathing and slow his heart rate to a dangerously low rate.

Consider the possibilities that:

1-He also may be an active drug abuser -- drugs in addition to what he is currently prescribed (or other drugs in addition to that he is scoring elsewhere)

2-He is as clean as a whistle and NOT in that bedroom and he's elsewhere, up to no good elsewhere, during his alleged sleep time.

You just think he is in that bedroom --- the door is closed and probably locked ---- and he is nowhere in that house.

See my comments at the bottom.

He no longer attends mass with me. His only activities are sleeping, eating, and watching TV or movies. Sex occurs about once every two to three months. I also discovered that he was hospitalized briefly for depression issues prior to our meeting, and that he takes various medications (ambien included). 

It is your business to know precisely what medications he is taking and what dosages they are and how often he is to take them. You have a right to know what his medical condition or conditions are. And it is only common sense: suppose something happens and you have to rush him to a hospital? Right away the personnel wants to know "What medications is he taking?" Think about it!

Conversations yield nothing; he immediately becomes on guard and defensive, and we end up shouting at each other.

I smell a rat here, coming from his direction, and how.

I am exhausted, I feel misled, and I am fearful of raising children with him. I have no doubt that he will be a loving father - he is great with my nieces and nephews and our dogs, and he is not intentionally cruel to me - but I didn't get married to be a single mother.

We moved to a new city together and just bought a house; we have no family here. I feel so very isolated, and am at my wit's end. 

I hate the idea of an ultimatum, but I don't have any ideas. He refuses counseling (I have gone by myself and I have tried suggesting this to no end - it is a nonstarter), and is incapable of calmly discussing this without it devolving into a mess. I have sent him emails that have gone unanswered and unacknowledged.


This is also childish on his part. That he will not discuss this problem he is having with you is fishy indeed. I say he is hiding something.

The only thing I can think of is to say, "Look, things need to change by [insert date]. If you can't do this, we need to just split what we have and I'm out." 

I just know that I'll need to be committed to this, and it is so hard for me to accept that. It pains me to think of splitting up our lives, and tearing down what we have built.

Has anyone been in this situation? Or have any ideas? Thank you in advance.

He evidently thinks he's got no problem.

He has a very big problem.

Benefit of the doubt that he has indeed got a medical problem: He needs to get to a doctor immediately --- this is disasterous. Suppose he falls asleep behind the wheel of a car? or his sleepiness makes him misjudge something crucial?

He hasn't seen a doctor about this excessive sleepiness and he gives you an argument. You bet I smell a rat.

YES, you need to lay the law down: Out line the problem and if you need to say "You get to the root of your medical problem or I'll be out the door" do it.

This is not good news:

I am wondering if he is addicted to something or is overdosing himself on those medications; it could be he is abusing those drugs.

If it turns out he's got a true drug problem and he is abusing his pescribed medication and./or other drugs, get out of the relationship. Substance abuse is a dealbreaker.

Yes, an ultimatum. This is a serious problem. GL.

TarponMonoxide

And this is going to sound crazy and off the wall, but here goes:

Are you certain he is in that room asleep??? And are you sure that he is physically in that room every time he's sleeping his life away???

I don't care how crazy and conspiratorial this sounds: how do you know he's even in there, if you have not looked??

Maybe the door is closed (and locked as well)  and you think he is in there asleep; I mean, where else could he be, right???..... but he's left the house -- he could have left via the window or simply when you were not around or anywhere in sight  --- to observe him leaving!! --- and is up to something else somewhere else -- and returns to that house and that bedroomn without you seeing anything.

Call me crazy but maybe that is a possibility. Maybe you should enlist the aid of a private eye. All may not be what it appears to be.

I still think he may be abusing drugs -- either the meds he is taking or something he's obtained elsewhere. No normal person sleeps for all of these hours.

Ultimatum if you have to. None of this is looing good -- and give it some thought:

What DO you have together with him that is a life or something you and he have constructed together?

Any couple anywhere can plunk down money and purchase a home.

What have you got, together?

I don't know why I am thinking of that former nestie who had a husband who claimed he was out running and indulging in lots of running, to the point he was hardly ever home on his free time --- and it was discovered that he was a peeping tom. That is what he was doing during his "running" hours.


Make sure his is actually in that room asleep, each and every time he is "sleeping" for such long hours..

If this means you take the door off its hinge, do it.  Ensure he is in that room.

If he is in there each and every time, then scrartch what I just suggested about his having an affair (or being up to worse bullshit than that, somewhere else) Something is screwy here and no person can possibly be sleeping all these hours if they are taking their prescribed medication.

Something sure is fishy here.

He's asleep all  hours yet he is not upset that it's causing a problem with his marriage, upsetting you and is also killing whatever daylight time he's got left --- how is that? He is not concerned? this in itself is fishy.

In this order I suspect:

1-He's not in that bedroom and he is out of that house up to who knows what

2-he's abusing drugs, either what he is prescribed and/or something else

3-some kind of sleep disorder pattern.

Number 3 is dead bang last and lags behind the first 2 by about a hemisphere.

"I feel misled" stands out like a sore thumb. Don't be misled by your H. Something's going on here and it is not good.

short+sassy

Short of @TarponMonoxide's suggestions that he is actually not at home or is using illegal drugs, which are both possibilities, but I would put my money more on the second part of her second point.  That he is either purposely or accidentally (as in, taking the prescribed dose but it is too high) of his prescription medications.  I mean, why is he taking Ambien if he is already sleeping too much?

Okay, so he won't see a counselor.  But what about his medical doctor?  Will he let you set up an appointment that you both can go to?

Here's another "out there" suggestion, have him checked for Type I Diabetes.  The onset is usually in childhood, but not always.  I was diagnosed when I was 20, but I've known people who were diagnosed as late as in their 30s.  And the biggest symptom I had before it was diagnosed?  I could barely stay awake.  Even after a full night's sleep.  At that point in time, if I could have slept 16 hours/day, I would have.  The only thing that forced me to stay awake and on a schedule is I was in college and had a part-time job.  Both of which I needed to keep up with.

Also have him checked for sleep apnea.  I have a friend who suffers from that and, before it was diagnosed and treated, he said he felt exhausted all the time and would take naps whenever he could.

Also, you mention a stressful job, but it sounds like he doesn't work anymore?  If not, he needs to get a job to get himself back on a somewhat normal schedule.  Maybe a swing or overnight shift works best for his personality?

And then back to depression.  Which you already know he suffers from.  Too much sleep is also a sign his depression could be out of control.

I strongly suspect your husband is sick, and I include depression as a sickness.  He needs to find out what is wrong and then get it treated.  Unfortunately, people who suffer from depression are sometimes the last people to seek out help.  I am always reticent to suggest people walk out of their marriages because, to me, that is a last resort.  But, if he doesn't see your concerns as a problem and won't follow through to either see a doctor and/or follow through with doctor's orders, then you will at least know that THIS is your life with your spouse.  And it probably won't be changing.

At that point, you need to either accept the status quo and learn to live with it or move on.  Some people might disagree with me.  But I don't think there is any shame in either choice.  However, if you know you will forever be unhappy in a marriage the way it is now, than you should leave if he is not willing to at least look for a solution to his sleep problem.

I have to admit, I dated a guy in college who suffered from depression and found it was just not an illness I could deal with.  As soon as I started seeing those signs with subsequent dates, I cut things off.

KAat20011

Thanks for the responses. To address a few:

1) Adderall doesn't help with stress; it helps to perform a stressful job. In other words, it helps someone who has a job that requires intense focus on multiple things. It helps with focus.

2) I had to laugh at the suggestion that he wasn't there sleeping, because believe me - I WISH he was somewhere else! LOL. No, part of the thing that drives me up the wall is that I am busy doing things and constantly see him just laying asleep or watching TV, either in our bed or on the living room couch.

3) One thing I did not mention - he does work during the week. I should have clarified this, but the activities I mentioned in my initial post take place on weekends (Friday - Sunday). He has the same job he's always had, and so far as I can tell, his coworkers think highly of him and he does well.

4) When I say "I feel misled," I just mean that this never was a problem when we were dating or engaged, and I feel very misled that I married someone who failed to tell me about his depression problems. (And that has already been discussed between the two of us.) But in the same vein, there is a huge stigma attached to mental health issues, and I can't fault him to the point of divorce or separation, especially if it was something he thought he had under control.

One suggestion that might work - I doubt he would want me to go with him to his doctor, but maybe if I call our GP and explain to her how things look from my end, maybe in their next visit she can try to draw it out of him. That's definitely something I'm more comfortable with; much moreso than with an ultimatum.

magsugar13

First of all adderall is a stimulant, not something to make someone sleep. If anything this drug would cause him NOT to sleep, which is why he would be taking the ambien. He needs the ambien to sleep because of the adderall.

My bet is that he is so drugged up it is causing all the sleep issues.

I guess I was hoping to hear from someone who actually suffers from depression, or someone who has successfully gotten someone to seek treatment. I'm just not sure I see an ultimatum as a good thing or something that will be very helpful...yet I have no other ideas. 

Heres the thing, YOU can not make someone seek treatment. He doesnt even think he has a problem. People who seek treatment do so because THEY want help. 

If he will go to GP for a visit with  you that is at least a start, but if he wont help himself how can you help your marriage?

It takes 2 people to have a successful marriage, you can try and do all the work you want for it, but if the other person is not invested NOTHING you can do is going to save this one sided relationship.

LMAO at the he is not in the bedroom theory. A little out there!

TarponMonoxide

magsugar13 said:

First of all adderall is a stimulant, not something to make someone sleep. If anything this drug would cause him NOT to sleep, which is why he would be taking the ambien. He needs the ambien to sleep because of the adderall.

My bet is that he is so drugged up it is causing all the sleep issues.

I guess I was hoping to hear from someone who actually suffers from depression, or someone who has successfully gotten someone to seek treatment. I'm just not sure I see an ultimatum as a good thing or something that will be very helpful...yet I have no other ideas. 

Heres the thing, YOU can not make someone seek treatment. He doesnt even think he has a problem. People who seek treatment do so because THEY want help. 

If he will go to GP for a visit with  you that is at least a start, but if he wont help himself how can you help your marriage?

It takes 2 people to have a successful marriage, you can try and do all the work you want for it, but if the other person is not invested NOTHING you can do is going to save this one sided relationship.

LMAO at the he is not in the bedroom theory. A little out there!

Okay...so he is IN there. One never knows.

Bottom line is he has to get to a doctor and perhaps a sleep clinic.

That he is sleeping so many hours isn't normal -- this could be tied in with his medication or maybe not --- I don't know if he would get to a doctor. He's got to want to go because he has a concern and he wants to get down to the bottom of the problem.

There is a problem because it's interrupting your lives together and because it's the basis of arguments and fights.

What does he do for a living? I am curious.