Husband works nights I work days....help!!

mmw1173

My husband has been working 11p to 7 am Monday through Friday and every other weekend 7p to 7a for about six months now. I work 7-530 with on call weekends. I absolutely hate him working night shift and I know I shouldn't complain but I feel like we never see each other. He gets home after I am at work and goes to sleep around 8am and will sleep sometimes as late as 7pm. So we literally have three hours together a night. I am just so frustrated. I am trying to be understanding as I know he works hard and needs his sleep but I cant help but feel like we are not as close as we were before this job. I have tried talking to him and he says he doesn't mind working nights and  he cant help that he is so tired all the time. I hate being home alone every night and feeling like he doesn't really know what is going on in my life or me in his.I am seriously considering finding a night shift job just so we can be on a similar schedule.

Does anyone have any experience with this? I know it can always be worse and I really want to find ways to be more positive about the situation while also not feeling so disconnected from him.

Rant over. Thanks

jtmh2012

All I can tell you is that it does suck.  My wife and I work opposite schedules so that we don't have to pay for childcare for the kiddo.  We only get to see each other on Wednesday evenings and Sundays.  But we do it because that means one of us is always home with the kid.

OwlNurse

Aw, I think it's really sweet that one of your solutions is to look for a night shift job for yourself!

  I work the same schedule as your husband, 11p to 7a.  I'm very, very lucky that my FI works 7:30 to 4.  I sleep while he works, and he sleeps when I work.  Then we have 'dinner' together and hang out in the evenings.

But, there's tons of downsides.  We don't sleep in the same bed together, making sex kind of sporadic to be honest.  I frequently need naps, sometimes even falling asleep while we're watching something.  And planning weekend stuff gets weird, I often do social stuff with 3 hours of sleep and feel grumpy and miserable.

So, I like your attitude of going to him, since he seems to enjoy nights.  But really, don't be afraid to explain how you miss seeing him more and you'd like to schedule some nights a week for him to wake up early.  Your loneliness is absolutely valid, but it sounds like a compromise is in order.  

dutchgirl76

My H works a weird rotating schedule which always includes 2 nights 5p to 7a a week. I work Mon-Fri, M-Th I'm at work later so we usually go at least 48 hours without seeing each other and it sucks. My concern for you is if your profession has night hours. Will you take a step down, a pay cut, or even have to work more weekend hours to get night hours? Will you be happy working nights?

Is it critical that your husband work this night shift (child care, job can only be completed at night, better pay etc)? Is this a temporary thing or he sees himself doing this for a long term? If this seems to be long term and there's a chance to switch without a huge sacrifice I think it's worth being honest and telling him how tough it is. 

In the meantime, you have to schedule ahead for date days or nights and just plan to drink a lot of coffee. Scheduling sex sucks, but it's better than not having any. As OwlNurse compromise with him to wake up early if it better meets your schedule. Do you both get any vacation time, or flexibility in swapping hours? If so could you plan a couple of days/nights where you stay home ,or go away (depending on your budget) just to physically sleep in the same bed, eat a meal and do something fun and romantic?

feedthefelines

My husband also works the night shift. Right now he has Mondays, Tuesdays, and Wednesdays off and works 10pm-10am. I work M-F 8-6. We have been doing this or a similar schedule for 3/4 years we have been together. While it is hard, we have found our rhythm. Communication is very important! There is not time to fight over silly things since we don't see each other often. We leave little notes to each other a lot. 1-2 nights a week, usually on his days off, we will go and have a date night when I get home from work. On my days off I will often wake up early in order to clean the house since I can't really vacuum, clean our bedroom, make a lot of noise, etc. while he's sleeping. Yes, the sex will suffer. This is something we're still working on!  It also sucks going to parties and gatherings alone all the time since he works weekend nights. 

On a more positive note, we both have time to pursue our own interests since we do have a lot of alone time on our weekends, which means we have more to talk about at date night. In the future when we decide it's time to have children, we are also set up to have limited outside childcare requirements. You might look at not sleeping in the same bed as a negative, but I actually get a much better night of rest alone! My husband is also blessed with a large amount of PTO, so every few months he takes a weekend off just for us.