SO wants his mother to move in

loogursky

Sorry for the length of this, but I need some honest opinions and some solid advice. 

My SO and I have been together for 5 1/2 years. We bought a house and have a child together. We have a very strict schedule we need to stay on. We work opposite shifts, we have one vehicle, we have a darling 3 year old, and I went back to school this year. Also added in the mix is our two friends who have been living with us (their house fell through so we helped them out for a while) and they're about to move out.

Excited as we are about finally having our house to ourselves .... Some bad news came blowing on through. 

My father in law might be going to jail. Extremely awful situation. This leaves my mother in law without someone to take care of her. 

She has seizures so she can't drive, work, or live on her own. 

My SO told her she could live with us. ....even though her mother has a little apartment on her property in which my mother in law could live in comfotably and be well taken care of.

I know it's awful of me to say, but I do not want her to live with us.

I do not want my son to grow up with her in the house. She uses her illness as a crutch, she spends her days smoking (pot) herself stupid, she does and says whatever she wants, and she takes advantage of my SOs good nature. 

We had a horrible fight about it today. I told him that I think her moving in would be a big mistake and would put an awful starin on our relationship. We don't have the time to cater to her every whim and I don't want her drug use in my house. SO became extremely upset with me. 

I am at a loss for what to do. Any suggestions and opinions would be great. 

TarponMonoxide

"Some bad news"???

No, this is a dealbreaker and very bad.

"Some bad news" is "you have a flat tire" or "The paychecks will be a day late."

He has no business deciding anything without your input.


Wow, what a mess you have on your hands. So sorry to hear:


loogursky said:

Sorry for the length of this, but I need some honest opinions and some solid advice. 

My SO and I have been together for 5 1/2 years. We bought a house and have a child together. We have a very strict schedule we need to stay on. We work opposite shifts, we have one vehicle, we have a darling 3 year old, and I went back to school this year. Also added in the mix is our two friends who have been living with us (their house fell through so we helped them out for a while) and they're about to move out.

This is already bad news.

Why do you and he have friends living with you and why did you bcome a BANK for them????

Boy do you and your SO have big big problems...rather than suggest that you 2.get to a couples counselor now, I suggest you say goodbye to him.

Because this problem is HIM --- he cannot function as part of a healthy couple dynamic. He is broken and you cannot fix this.

I guarantee you that the friends will not leave any time soon and I will bet they did not pay one cent toward room and board and you and your SO are footing the entire bill for them.

(AND I bet you he said "You can move right in" and you never had any discussion with him...am I right????)

Why are freeloaders okay??? tell me that.

You owed these 2 friends NOTHING. Maybe your sympathies but certainly not your home where they will stay for free for good.

PS: when do you and he see that money you helped them out with?

You will NOT. Even if you take them to court, no guarantee you will recoup the full amount. It will turn into a he said she said and you will never recoup the full amount.

Excited as we are about finally having our house to ourselves .... Some bad news came blowing on through. 

This is her problem and not yours.

Say no to him, not just this uncalled for living arrangement!!!

My father in law might be going to jail. Extremely awful situation. This leaves my mother in law without someone to take care of her. 

This person is NOT your "mother in law" -- she is your pushover SO's MOTHER.

You are not married, hence she is not your MIL.

I do not know what Pops will be going to jail for but think about this: Do you want a jailbird as a grandfather for your son? Worm's already in the apple and do you want this guy near your son, considering what he did to get himself thrown into the slammer and what possibly might also be maximum security in the way of a prison?

This is a funky crazy bunch, including your SO. Why are you in this mess at all???

She has seizures so she can't drive, work, or live on her own. 


First you say she cannot live on her own and then later on you say she's got her own place where she can stay and be provided for --- which one is it??

Just for the fact that she can live on her own (and pay for a caretaker; she's got the money for it), you say goodbye to this jerk, right here and now.

Nowere in this entire arrangement do you figure in as an equal partner. His mother is your SO's equal partner, not you.

All I see is "friends living with us" and "his mother" this and "his mother" that.

Where do you figure into this arrangement?

Ditch him.

.

My SO told her she could live with us. ....


Stop the presses right here and say goodbye to him.

He told his mother it was okay...

He did NOT include your opinion in this decision. What a PIG.

even though her mother has a little apartment on her property in which my mother in law could live in comfotably and be well taken care of.


So can she or can she not live on her own?

That's going to be for him to figure out, after you are gone.

If you stay with him:

Here is where your OTHER problem comes in and one that's prevalent from the start: he cannot decide anything with you. He goes ahead and decides FOR you and mi nus you.

He should have discussed this idea with you AT LENGTH and the 2 of you together should have decided yes or no.

He should have told his mother "I will see if it is okay with Loogursky; we will let you know our decision."

And if she had any brains and any goodness in her, she'd have figured out a solution for herself and on her own and never involved you and your SO at all. You do not come between a son (or daughter) and their partner.

I will bet he was the one who told the out of luck friends "Come live with us" and you never had a discussion with him TOGETHER.

What else is he going to decide for you???

Then this is academic: she can live in her apartment and have live in care.

That would settle the problem, unless her medical condition is as such she needs full time medical care, in which case she needs assisted living.

Who pays for that? your SO???

Wow, this is a mess...and a big one!!!

Say NO to this arrangement. and say No to him, if you  re smart --- based on the fact he decided FOR YOU.

IF you choose to stay:

Get to a couples counselor: boy have you got problems, and big ones, starting with communication and the understanding that you and he are to be a team, no questions asked.

If he will not go, bad news. he isn't interested in BEING a team with you.

I know it's awful of me to say, but I do not want her to live with us.

No it is not awful.

Because you and he are a team and are supposed to be one unit together; you are well within rights to say no to the arrangement.

I do not want my son to grow up with her in the house. She uses her illness as a crutch, she spends her days smoking (pot) herself stupid, she does and says whatever she wants, and she takes advantage of my SOs good nature. 

Then you have a mama's boy too???

This is not "good nature." This is a pushover with no character and a jerk who does not work with YOU as a team...

And now that you've seen what this guy is like, after 5 years together:

I think you should go your separate ways:

He cannot decide anything with you, he puts his mother first and you are coming in last.

It is a shame...if you had no child, you can pack up and go right now...now you'll have to have child support/visitations hashed out by attorneys and a court possibly...

Which is why it's not a great idea to have a child outside of marriage. 

A child makes it all the more difficult -- difficult to leave and difficult in the way of visitation and child support.

We had a horrible fight about it today.

And if you are fighting about it already...you will continually battle over this problem! that is, IF you stay with him.

This guy is not for you. Not for you and it is as simple as that!!!!

I told him that I think her moving in would be a big mistake and would put an awful starin on our relationship. We don't have the time to cater to her every whim and I don't want her drug use in my house. SO became extremely upset with me. 

I will guarantee you there is much more than "just weed" -- she probably has other drugs she is taking.

He got pissed at you?

Yippee. Bully to his spineless ass.

Uh, she is using DRUGS???

Run like hell and do it now. You say no to this and if he says yes, you say yes TO THE DOOR.

What did he say when you told him "this is a big mistake"???

Take the kiddo with you and end this sham relationship.

All I see here is "my SO" and "his nother" and "[insert his mother's problems, exclusive of her medical condition]"

This guy is not for you.

Nor will he ever be.

Sorry to hear this is happening to you.

To recap:

You were a hotel for 2 friends -- already bad news to have people living with you
You have a child together exclusive of marriage

He is a mama's boy
He decides things without your input
He lays down the law and you do not matter
His mother is a pain in the ass...and she uses drugs????

How is this good for you and your future...and how good is this for the future of your child????

Say goodbye to him and do it now. See an attorney about child support and visitation and what to do about the home --that is if you own it together. My guess is that you and he own it and it will have to be sold --- this in itself needs a real estate attorney's supervision.

What a mess, honey....

You sound like a nice girl who got mixed up in  a relationship with a guy who never grew up. "Good natured"? No, honey -- he's a mama's boy and he cannot stand on his own 2 feet.

I am at a loss for what to do. Any suggestions and opinions would be great. 

I gave you all of my suggestons...be wise and consider yourself.

This guy is not for you.

You are not coming in first -- you are last and you will always be last. He cannot put his mother first and he cannot let his friends --or anyone -- come between you and him.

You and he should be discussing where to send your kiddo to school in the future and you and he should be growing your lives together! None of this should include his mother this and his mother that -- it should be you and he and yeah, the child.

I have been there so I know. None of this boded well for me and it sure does not for you.

As I said:

You have no legal tie to him; you are not married to him.

You have free will to leave, minus the pain and expense monetarily of a divorce.

You will have to get the co-owned house issue straightened out and you will need an attorney for that and for child support and visitation. This looks like "a lot" but wow, you have to put yourself FIRST, no questions asked.

This is also an unhealthy environment for the child. There is already the problem of your SO's character -- a kid who is very young will be able to pick up on that -- plus you are not put first. And you have a rocky relationship, based on the fact the 2 of you were NEVER alone!! You had these friends living with you and that's just loco....I don't know why he thought this was okay.

Say no to him. And your entire bagful of problems will be gone, in one fell swoop.

I suggest you move back in with your parents; take the child with you. This SO of yours is not for you. He never will be. His mother and his friends will be first; you will be last and so will your child.

He stinks on ice and so does a life with him.

TarponMonoxide

The apartment she can live in is -- and these are the 3 key words --- on her property.

That means she is a landlord and a landholder.

That means she has financial means to take care of HERSELF.

And I will bet she has money in  bucketloads.. She has to have tenants.

And I will bet this is not the only property she owns, the one with the little apartment she can live in, on her own. She's got rents coming in and she's as flush as it gets.

And he is putting you in this financial hole and hole, living arrangement-wise???

You and his child, the one he is to be the platinum standard by which to exemplify what character is???

He has zero character.

And he wants to bring a druggie and an active one --into the home he shares with you and his child???

He is a PIG.

And you're a fool for being with him and saying okay to all of this. You are saying okay by the fact that you never verbally said it was OKAY!

Why in the world did you stomach out the fact that he decides all of this without you??? isn't this what being a committed couple is about: you and he are a team???


When you leave this jerk, get counseling for yourself.

Find out why you said okay to a pushover and somebody with no character -- and why you could not speak up and stand up for your rights.

Do this, or you will wind up with another one just like this creep you're living with.

It is never ever a good idea to have a child unless you have at least 2 very stable years of marriage under your belts.

Reason being what you just showed us.

You need a man of strong character --- he hasn't got that -- and also need financial security and many other things that indicate a healthy marriage.

Kids need to know what a healthy relationship is like and how a mother treats a father and vice versa. It's the building block for everything in that child's life and future.

You are now stuck with this creep for the well-celebrated 18 years. You will have this guy around for 18 years, along with his undependability, zero character and the fact he treated you like a doormat. He will continue to be this way for good, even if you leave him --- you are now stuck with him for parental reasons.

Disneygeek77

Man, I'm sorry.  What a difficult position to be in.  

He never should have decided on his own that she was just going to live in your home too.  That is not his decision to make.

If it was me, this would be a deal breaker.  Sorry, but I would not live the rest of my life like this.  I just couldn't.  There is just....no way.  No way.  

Is his dad going to jail for drugs ?  

short+sassy

@TarponMonoxide, I think you may have misunderstood the alternative living place.  I am understanding that it is the SO's grandma's place...the mother of the problem person (SO's mother).  Which, to me, is all the more reason that is a substantially better place for her.

To the OP, why doesn't your SO see that her living with her mother is absolutely the best care she can receive all around?  Neither you nor him have the time or resources to care for her anyway.  ESPECIALLY at the expense of the small child you all have.  And it will be at that child's expense, because there isn't enough time or money (I'm guessing) to go around for both.  Not to mention, between the being high all the time and having no speech filter, she sounds like a horrible influence for your LO.

For me personally, this would be a deal breaker, mainly because of the young child.  If she comes, I go.  You may not feel as strongly as that, and I can understand that viewpoint also, but it is such a bad idea.

I know I'm preaching to the choir.  The best advice I can give to change your SO's mind is showing how it is not in his mother's best interest for her to move in.  Maybe (hopefully) that will sway him.

TarponMonoxide

It's a dealbreaker because he should have said no to his mother straightaway but instead told her she could move in.

The youngster is a strong factor, too. He can't stand by his offer and just let her move on in.

VOR

I don't know if this would immediately be a deal breaker, but it would be pretty damn close and I could see it eventually leading to us splitting up.

The fact that he did this WITHOUT talking to you speaks volumes.  This is a HUGE burden to take on and to not talk to you..... well, you know where you stand.  His mom comes first before you or your child.  ANd that will probably continue. 

You mention his "good nature".  Well, that needs to be towards YOU too and he needs to be thinking of you and your child first. 

Moving in a parent is a huge decision much less w/ the issues you list out with her. 

So.... IS this a deal breaker for you??  That's something to really think about.

Erikan73

First, how long would this be for? Are we talking 1-2 months, or more like years? If it's just a month or two, I would probably just let it happen and try to make the best of things. If it's longer then can you sit him down and tell him to just listen to you while you tell him exactly what you told us? that with your friends moving out that you are looking forward to some time with just him and your child? And your concerns about exposing your child to the smoking? Then be prepared with a plan on how you and him can be there to help his mom out while she lives in apartment on her mom's property. Like for example that on a certain day each week one of you will pick up her laundry and bring it home to do it for her & then return it to her on a specific date each week. Then figure out a plan on how to help his mom out with her food shopping & meal preparation. With your schedules, would having her over for dinner 1-2 times a week be an option? If you don't want her living with you, you  have to be prepared to calmly tell him why & have a plan on how to help her out during this time period so that he doesn't feel like he's left his mom high & dry. For him he may be looking at things that with her seizures, it may be just easier to have her in your home to take care of her instead of trying to take care of responsibilities at your home & helping her out at her own place.