Painful time in personal life

NJ65

Guys,

I am going through terrible time in my personal life. I live and work in Australia for few years now. My parents tied me in wedlock to a girl of their choice last summer, ever since then my life has all but turmoil. Actually, I was in relationship before my marriage and did not want to marry another woman except her, however my family at a time of marriage created such an environment, where I had to take a call on this marriage, or else death in our family was nearly inevitable even my parents threatened me to commit suicide had I not approach for this marriage. I was abused, slapped and insulted by my family just to get marriage done by any means.

Before my marriage, my wife made lot of commitments to my family and they had excellent relationship, when I asked her before marriage that we have lot of disagreements in our family for this marriage, she said marriage has to take place due to preparation were done.

My wife came to know everything after my marriage about my relationship, she could not adjust with my parents and started fighting with me and complaining me about my family, she slowly started pushing my weak buttons with her anger and tough language. One day she told me I have to choose either my family or her and when I disclosed this to my family, they were shocked. My family suggested me to get separated from my wife but I denied as I did not want to spoil her life even though I am not happy in this marriage, but I did not know my family has dual face, On front they showed sympathy and regret for their decision on this marriage but on my back, they even were willing to beg my wife and send her with me here in Australia at any cost as they were more scared of legal matters, their pride and their reputation in society.

Now,after knowing this today me and my family have no contacts with each other. My wife doesn't have any contact with them either. She is in India right now and in process for Australia visa in upcoming months while she works there in her hometown. She still keeps complaining me about my family and asks me for financial help.

I had lot of struggle in career and in financial situation, had a huge debt with government here, Car accident, Robbery at home almost every thing happened to me in last 6 months, when I told everything to my wife to have some patience and give me some time - She was very angry and said I need to solve my own problems. Now, my wife/in laws want to get visa process done for her in short time OR they asked, I need to leave Australia and settle back home with her. She has backup of her family, while I have No one to stand by me in this situation.

At a time, She shows so much of anger which makes me even more frustrated and stressed makes me made at my parents they made my life hell and I can't do anything for that as I have no support from family, difficult financial condition and whatever I is left such as my job and career, that might be spoiled as well, if I try to counter her arguments, but then whom to approach in this condition.

I feel very lonely, depressed and anxiety over last few months, today I feel I lost everything in my life and whatever relations are there they are just illussion and fake. No friends, No family No relations, sometimes I feel to give up this life with so much frustration. 

If possible please share your thoughts where should I go.
Thank you.

TarponMonoxide

NJ65 said:

Guys,

I am going through terrible time in my personal life. I live and work in Australia for few years now. My parents tied me in wedlock to a girl of their choice last summer, ever since then my life has all but turmoil. Actually, I was in relationship before my marriage and did not want to marry another woman except her, however my family at a time of marriage created such an environment, where I had to take a call on this marriage, or else death in our family was nearly inevitable even my parents threatened me to commit suicide had I not approach for this marriage.

Bullshit. They scared you and manipulated into marrying this person...nobody was gonna die!

Death in your family was NOT imminent or going to happen -- they manipulated you into marrying this young woman with the threat they'd kill  themselves.

I would have said "Go ahead; see you NOT at your funerals" and eloped with that young woman, the one you were already seeing. Let the parents pound sand, as we used to say in our grandmother's day.

You do not belong with your wife, nor does she belong with you. The basis for your marriage is entirely fraudulent and just wrong.

What you need to do right now:

1- Detach yourself from these horrible parents of yours; cut the off completely and never speak to them again.

2- Then seek the advice of an atorrney and legal counsel in Austrailia -- that's the country you married in, correct?

You were not a 100% willing party in this union; this was not your full and willing decision to marry this person. You are eligible for an annulment.


Get your marriage annulled. In legal terms your marriage will not exist, anywhere on paper.

You were coerced and pressured into the marriage. You were not a willing party. There is a legal way out of it.

3-Get yourself counseling; that counselor can find a way to get you down the right path so that you can finally heal from this bad relationship with your parents.

Never let anybody manipulate you or emotionally blackmail you or emotionally threaten you. A counselor can help you with this.

I was abused, slapped and insulted by my family just to get marriage done by any means.

Christ, you needed to cut them off a million years ago!!! How in hell were you the one to say okay to all of this??

Before my marriage, my wife made lot of commitments to my family and they had excellent relationship, when I asked her before marriage that we have lot of disagreements in our family for this marriage, she said marriage has to take place due to preparation were done.

To hell with that; it is ONLY a preparation. You could have fled the scene and never been heard from again!!!!

I am guessing you are from another culture and things can be different there -- but wow for love of God, you don't threaten or coerce the ones you love! Your parents are not normal; this is why I advised you to seek counseling so you can cut the mental cord you've got attached to these lousy people.

My wife came to know everything after my marriage about my relationship, she could not adjust with my parents and started fighting with me and complaining me about my family, she slowly started pushing my weak buttons with her anger and tough language.

Another good reason to get this sham of a marriage dissolved!!!

"Lawyer up" as we say in the USA. Get this marriage annulled.

One day she told me I have to choose either my family or her and when I disclosed this to my family, they were shocked. My family suggested me to get separated from my wife but I denied as I did not want to spoil her life even though I am not happy in this marriage, but I did not know my family has dual face, On front they showed sympathy and regret for their decision on this marriage but on my back, they even were willing to beg my wife and send her with me here in Australia at any cost as they were more scared of legal matters, their pride and their reputation in society.

Now,after knowing this today me and my family have no contacts with each other. My wife doesn't have any contact with them either. She is in India right now and in process for Australia visa in upcoming months while she works there in her hometown. She still keeps complaining me about my family and asks me for financial help.

I had lot of struggle in career and in financial situation, had a huge debt with government here, Car accident, Robbery at home almost every thing happened to me in last 6 months, when I told everything to my wife to have some patience and give me some time - She was very angry and said I need to solve my own problems. Now, my wife/in laws want to get visa process done for her in short time OR they asked, I need to leave Australia and settle back home with her. She has backup of her family, while I have No one to stand by me in this situation.

At a time, She shows so much of anger which makes me even more frustrated and stressed makes me made at my parents they made my life hell and I can't do anything for that as I have no support from family, difficult financial condition and whatever I is left such as my job and career, that might be spoiled as well, if I try to counter her arguments, but then whom to approach in this condition.

I feel very lonely, depressed and anxiety over last few months, today I feel I lost everything in my life and whatever relations are there they are just illussion and fake. No friends, No family No relations, sometimes I feel to give up this life with so much frustration. 

If possible please share your thoughts where should I go.
Thank you.

I did not read the rest of your post --- you have a mess here, both emotional and marital.

Lawyer up and get this marriage annulled --- dissolve it before a child enters the picture and wow, if that happens, you'll be in quite the pickle for the rest of your life, not just until the child is of legal majority.

Get rid of your parents --- cut them off and never speak to them again -- and get yourself counseling. Don't let their horrible memories live rent free in your mind.

MommyLiberty5013

Whoa @TarponMonoxide maybe you are not aware of it, but dishonoring one's family in certain parts of the world IS cause for death either at their hands or by your own suicide. Really? I am surprised at your insensitivity to cultural matters on this one. And, chances are, divorces are not even handled in the same way as here in the West.

To @NJ65 I am sorry for this previous post that you read. I hope you keep in mind that most of the people on this board are women, and we are Americans, with a few Canadians and some people from Europe. So, we are not all familiar with how life and marriage is handled in other parts of the world that are different than our own.

I do want to ask though, what are your options for getting out of this marriage in your culture?

I understand that in Indian culture (I think that is where you are from, right?) keeping the family respect before the neighbors and society is highly important. I have read that students who do poorly on testing prior to university or attend university and do not perform well, often end up killing themselves rather than bring shame to their families.

I am not here to comment on whether or not I think that is okay in your culture, but what do you see as the next best step for you to take as an individual and as a married person?

Also, it sounds like you have a lot to wrestle with. You may wish to visit YouTube and search for Ravi Zacharias. He was born in India into your country's highest level of society, but he also struggled with many things, which sound similar to your own struggle. He was Hindu, but he did convert to Christianity. I am not sharing this with you to also say you too should convert, but I'm sharing it because your stories sound very similar and you might find benefit in learning more about him.

MommyLiberty5013

TarponMonoxide said:

NJ65 said:

Guys,

I am going through terrible time in my personal life. I live and work in Australia for few years now. My parents tied me in wedlock to a girl of their choice last summer, ever since then my life has all but turmoil. Actually, I was in relationship before my marriage and did not want to marry another woman except her, however my family at a time of marriage created such an environment, where I had to take a call on this marriage, or else death in our family was nearly inevitable even my parents threatened me to commit suicide had I not approach for this marriage.

Bullshit. They scared you and manipulated into marrying this person...nobody was gonna die!

Death in your family was NOT imminent or going to happen -- they manipulated you into marrying this young woman with the threat they'd kill  themselves.

I would have said "Go ahead; see you NOT at your funerals" and eloped with that young woman, the one you were already seeing. Let the parents pound sand, as we used to say in our grandmother's day.

You do not belong with your wife, nor does she belong with you. The basis for your marriage is entirely fraudulent and just wrong.

What you need to do right now:

1- Detach yourself from these horrible parents of yours; cut the off completely and never speak to them again.

2- Then seek the advice of an atorrney and legal counsel in Austrailia -- that's the country you married in, correct?

You were not a 100% willing party in this union; this was not your full and willing decision to marry this person. You are eligible for an annulment.


Get your marriage annulled. In legal terms your marriage will not exist, anywhere on paper.

You were coerced and pressured into the marriage. You were not a willing party. There is a legal way out of it.

3-Get yourself counseling; that counselor can find a way to get you down the right path so that you can finally heal from this bad relationship with your parents.

Never let anybody manipulate you or emotionally blackmail you or emotionally threaten you. A counselor can help you with this.

I was abused, slapped and insulted by my family just to get marriage done by any means.

Christ, you needed to cut them off a million years ago!!! How in hell were you the one to say okay to all of this??

Before my marriage, my wife made lot of commitments to my family and they had excellent relationship, when I asked her before marriage that we have lot of disagreements in our family for this marriage, she said marriage has to take place due to preparation were done.

To hell with that; it is ONLY a preparation. You could have fled the scene and never been heard from again!!!!

I am guessing you are from another culture and things can be different there -- but wow for love of God, you don't threaten or coerce the ones you love! Your parents are not normal; this is why I advised you to seek counseling so you can cut the mental cord you've got attached to these lousy people.

My wife came to know everything after my marriage about my relationship, she could not adjust with my parents and started fighting with me and complaining me about my family, she slowly started pushing my weak buttons with her anger and tough language.

Another good reason to get this sham of a marriage dissolved!!!

"Lawyer up" as we say in the USA. Get this marriage annulled.

One day she told me I have to choose either my family or her and when I disclosed this to my family, they were shocked. My family suggested me to get separated from my wife but I denied as I did not want to spoil her life even though I am not happy in this marriage, but I did not know my family has dual face, On front they showed sympathy and regret for their decision on this marriage but on my back, they even were willing to beg my wife and send her with me here in Australia at any cost as they were more scared of legal matters, their pride and their reputation in society.

Now,after knowing this today me and my family have no contacts with each other. My wife doesn't have any contact with them either. She is in India right now and in process for Australia visa in upcoming months while she works there in her hometown. She still keeps complaining me about my family and asks me for financial help.

I had lot of struggle in career and in financial situation, had a huge debt with government here, Car accident, Robbery at home almost every thing happened to me in last 6 months, when I told everything to my wife to have some patience and give me some time - She was very angry and said I need to solve my own problems. Now, my wife/in laws want to get visa process done for her in short time OR they asked, I need to leave Australia and settle back home with her. She has backup of her family, while I have No one to stand by me in this situation.

At a time, She shows so much of anger which makes me even more frustrated and stressed makes me made at my parents they made my life hell and I can't do anything for that as I have no support from family, difficult financial condition and whatever I is left such as my job and career, that might be spoiled as well, if I try to counter her arguments, but then whom to approach in this condition.

I feel very lonely, depressed and anxiety over last few months, today I feel I lost everything in my life and whatever relations are there they are just illussion and fake. No friends, No family No relations, sometimes I feel to give up this life with so much frustration. 

If possible please share your thoughts where should I go.
Thank you.

I did not read the rest of your post --- you have a mess here, both emotional and marital.

Lawyer up and get this marriage annulled --- dissolve it before a child enters the picture and wow, if that happens, you'll be in quite the pickle for the rest of your life, not just until the child is of legal majority.

Get rid of your parents --- cut them off and never speak to them again -- and get yourself counseling. Don't let their horrible memories live rent free in your mind.

:-O

TarponMonoxide

I understood that the OPs parents said that they were going to die.

I know all about the honor killings.

He and she do not belong together. He should take it from there and put himself first.

GilliC

Why did your parents choose this woman? Surely you could have found someone of the same caste (if that was a concern) that you were okay with? Or did you have your heart set on a love match with the woman you were seeing?

Frankly, I would put the visa application on hold. Adjusting to life in a foreign country is hard, so why pile on the additional stress of dealing with an unsupportive spouse?

In the immediate future, I would focus on building yourself a support network local to you in Australia. I've often found as an expat that my close friends and fellow expats take on the support role that I would have depended on my family for in the past.

nkjacobsma

Have you met and befriended anyone in Australia that is from India and maybe has been in Australia a little longer than you have?. From what I have gathered, the culture you are from is much different than Australia's Western culture. I'm sure you are looking around and seeing the individualistic emphases around you and it's hard. I think the best thing you could do would be to find someone who understands your culture to talk to. A counselor would be best, but that may be difficult and expensive. Is there a Hindu temple (?) nearby that you could ask the priest (?) to meet with you every so often and just talk to him? I think this would really help.

I actually have no idea what your religion is and if it's Hindu I have no idea what you call your house of worship and religious leaders, and I apologize. The point is that there has to be someone from your culture, living in Australia who can talk you through your tough times.