Has anyone had this problem before?

guzqui

So here is the story. We are currently TTC, but this month my sister and her boyfriend came to visit, they live in Europe. Needless to say it’s hard to see them very often. And their visit coincided with my ovulation days. Between their visit and our work schedules we didn’t find time for sex.

 So we are in the living room having a glass of wine, talking and I turn to my husband (who lately can’t seem to put his phone down) and he’s looking at pictures of naked women right next to me! In front of our guests! I felt humiliated, fat, undesirable to say the least! Fast forward a few days, me trying to explain why I'm so hurt and he saying he did nothing wrong and we just lost it, I insulted him, he yelled at me. We talked for hours until reaching an agreement, but I don't feel happy. I don't know what to do to fix the relationship. Has anyone had this kind of problem before?

magsugar13

Well him think ing what he did was ok says it all.

What kind of agreement did you come to? I cant wait to hear this.

TarponMonoxide

guzqui said:

So here is the story. We are currently TTC, but this month my sister and her boyfriend came to visit, they live in Europe. Needless to say it’s hard to see them very often. And their visit coincided with my ovulation days. Between their visit and our work schedules we didn’t find time for sex.

 So we are in the living room having a glass of wine, talking and I turn to my husband (who lately can’t seem to put his phone down) and he’s looking at pictures of naked women right next to me! In front of our guests! I felt humiliated, fat, undesirable to say the least! Fast forward a few days, me trying to explain why I'm so hurt and he saying he did nothing wrong and we just lost it, I insulted him, he yelled at me. We talked for hours until reaching an agreement, but I don't feel happy. I don't know what to do to fix the relationship. Has anyone had this kind of problem before?

Not only is that shitty, it is also shitty to more or less pay no attention to guests in your home who are your company.

What kind of an agreement did you reach?

guzqui

After a week of disuccions and a couple of big fights, he finally admitted he was disrespectful. He no longer uses his cel while we are together or having dinner. We also had a talk about cheating and reached and agreement on that ( we hadn't had that talk either). Now it's clear that breaking trust is considered cheating and not only sexting or hooking up. 

Things are getting back to normal. But I'm still hurt and I'm having a hard time going back to my happy normal self. 

Thanks so much for your comments!!

TarponMonoxide

guzqui said:

After a week of disuccions and a couple of big fights, he finally admitted he was disrespectful. He no longer uses his cel while we are together or having dinner. We also had a talk about cheating and reached and agreement on that ( we hadn't had that talk either). Now it's clear that breaking trust is considered cheating and not only sexting or hooking up. 

Things are getting back to normal. But I'm still hurt and I'm having a hard time going back to my happy normal self. 

Thanks so much for your comments!!

I find this cell phone at dinner thing very bad...because you and he have company and to pay more attention to what is at the end of that cell phone is NOT the way to treat a guest.

It could have been the man in the moon at the other end or anything else --- when someone is a guest in your home, they are priority What's on your cell phone is dead bang last.

A break of trust is cheating???

No, it's not: they are two different entities!

The person may cheat once and never cheat again...but once trust (exclusive of cheating itself) is gone, not likely you will trust that person again.

He wants to look at nuddy pics on his phone? Let him do it when nobody is around.

TarponMonoxide

When you said "not only sexting or hooking up" please clarify. You were not clear.

short+sassy

TarponMonoxide said:

When you said "not only sexting or hooking up" please clarify. You were not clear.

Yes on this.  At least to me, there is a big difference between men just looking at porn online (on occasion) and men looking at a naked pic of someone they are texting/in touch with.  I THINK, you are saying that he already knows sexting/hooking up is cheating, but didn't think looking at porn was cheating.  Quite frankly, he's right, it's not.  And I don't know why you feel like his looking at porn is "breaking his trust" with you?  However, I might be misunderstanding something.

If it's just porn you have a problem with, I think you are seeing the problem in a wrong way.  His looking at porn has nothing to do with how attractive he finds you.  It's just something the vast majority of men do.  When it comes to their sexuality, men are more visually motivated than women area (generally speaking).  It is one of the reasons they like porn while some women (including myself) just don't get the appeal.  But I guarantee you, the husbands and boyfriends of Victoria Secrets lingerie models also look at porn.

Being focused on his phone in front of guests was incredibly rude.  But that is true even if he was just looking at funny cat videos.  And, although I hope you didn't call him out on what he was looking at in front of others, I hope you told him he was being rude and to put his phone away.   

TarponMonoxide

And maybe it is not even porn --- these are the usual naked pictures of women. That in itself is not pornographic, if it is just plain skin and nothing else.

It is distasteful, rude and just plain bad to upstage your guests in your home all because you absolutely have to check your phone. We are losing social contact and any type of etiquette and people time is heading right down the shitter.

When guests are in your home, make like 1980: you entertain your guests. (point is in 1980, there were no cell phones -- there were mobile phones but they were very very exclusive -- and very expensive to have. You had to be somebody rich and important to have one)

guzqui

To clarify. I consider sexting and hooking up to be cheating. I never really thought of trust until after I saw my H looking at photos and I asked him if they were sent by male friends or by a woman and I didn't get an answer. I really thought at that moment that the possibility he was cheating was real. After talking and fighting and now knowing it wasn't the case I feel better. 

I don't think watching porn is cheating I do think next to me and/or guests is very disrespectful. 

I am a believer that when you are sharing with family and friends cell phones should be put away. I get that emergencies happen and people call cell phones but texting, facebook, etc shouldn't be a priority. I totally agree with TarponMonoxide, It is distasteful, rude and just plain bad to upstage your guests in your home all because you absolutely have to check your phone. 

TarponMonoxide

guzqui said:

To clarify. I consider sexting and hooking up to be cheating. I never really thought of trust until after I saw my H looking at photos and I asked him if they were sent by male friends or by a woman and I didn't get an answer. I really thought at that moment that the possibility he was cheating was real. After talking and fighting and now knowing it wasn't the case I feel better. 

I don't think watching porn is cheating I do think next to me and/or guests is very disrespectful. 

I am a believer that when you are sharing with family and friends cell phones should be put away. I get that emergencies happen and people call cell phones but texting, facebook, etc shouldn't be a priority. I totally agree with TarponMonoxide, It is distasteful, rude and just plain bad to upstage your guests in your home all because you absolutely have to check your phone. 

So then, you have the guts to tell your H -- and your guests --- and say this in front of your H --- "No cell phones while we are within each other's company".

He could have gotten those pictures from anywhere -- but if these photos are from a woman he knows and they photos are of her, This is cheating.

The internet has thrown every single rule to the four winds. All the rules and etiquette are gone. How wrong can we be?

short+sassy

TarponMonoxide said:

guzqui said:

To clarify. I consider sexting and hooking up to be cheating. I never really thought of trust until after I saw my H looking at photos and I asked him if they were sent by male friends or by a woman and I didn't get an answer. I really thought at that moment that the possibility he was cheating was real. After talking and fighting and now knowing it wasn't the case I feel better. 

I don't think watching porn is cheating I do think next to me and/or guests is very disrespectful. 

I am a believer that when you are sharing with family and friends cell phones should be put away. I get that emergencies happen and people call cell phones but texting, facebook, etc shouldn't be a priority. I totally agree with TarponMonoxide, It is distasteful, rude and just plain bad to upstage your guests in your home all because you absolutely have to check your phone. 

So then, you have the guts to tell your H -- and your guests --- and say this in front of your H --- "No cell phones while we are within each other's company".

He could have gotten those pictures from anywhere -- but if these photos are from a woman he knows and they photos are of her, This is cheating.

The internet has thrown every single rule to the four winds. All the rules and etiquette are gone. How wrong can we be?

SITB

@guzqui, thanks for clarifying.  Totally agree with both of you.

As an aside, the utter obsession so many people seem to have with their smart phones is a huge pet peeve of mine.  It's like, nowadays, people would rather socialize via text message and Facebook instead of in person.  My H and I went out to dinner a few months ago and there were three people at the table near us.  It looked like a middle aged couple with their adult daughter.  The entire time they were there...through their meals and everything...all three people were glued to their cell phones and didn't say two words to each other.  Ugh!

guzqui

In the end  the pictures were from Instagram. 

 I agree with @short+sassy and @TarponMonoxide. 

In my family, my sister and I started a "rule". No cell phones. It takes time and not everybody likes it. But little by little we are seeing a change in the family. And also it all starts with the example. My brother and his wife used to be glued to their phones and their two daughters (7 and 2 years old) used to ask for ipads and cell phones to play. Since we started this new "rule" the kids are playing with toys, helping around in the kitchen ( I am a chef, so I always like to teach them how to cook) and not even asking for the ipad. So I guess it's possible. 

TarponMonoxide

An ipad and a cell phone? for a 7 and 2 year old???

Bring along a book or something else for them to keep busy.

I also am not so sure apps/games on a cell phone ir ipad  is even good for developing eyes.