Post Military - Home Buying

Stephanie2167

My husband has 6 years left in the Coast Guard. We are both originally from Southern California. Been together since we were 16/17. All of our family lives there (our parents live 5 minutes from each other). We have transferred several times and been to Washington State, Texas and are on the move to Philadelphia this summer. Since we've experienced different places and different costs of living, my husband doesn't want to go back to California. Too expensive, crime, etc. We both have talked about "retiring" in Washington and for awhile I was pretty darn sure that is where I wanted to be. THEN, my daughter (6) asked over Easter dinner when we are moving to California. She went on about how she misses her cousins and can't wait to live down the street so she could walk to their house and have sleepovers, etc. It sort of hit me hard that moving somewhere other than California means all my kiddos will have is us. No, weekends with grandparents, aunts and uncles, cousins like I did growing up. Hubby had a completely different childhood then I did so he has a hard time understanding this concept. All he sees is the $$$$. I know the cost of living is a big deal, but so is not being near family to me. He is stubborn as all hell. There is no point is arguing about it now since we still have 6 more years until retirement, but tell me how I talk him into moving home. haha Especially since he doesn't understand the need for "extended family." By the way, on Easter his parents were at my parents house having Easter dinner. While it was just us five having dinner. The kids would have had a blast with all their grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins (even 2nd cousins) being together.  

brij2006

I would just plant the seed and throw it out there that you would be interested in looking at California when the time gets closer.

Then in the meantime I would be starting a down payment account to begin saving up money for a house wherever you end up.

You could also chat with him about his job opportunities after military.  Where will he be best utilized?  Since he's Coast Guard, then would he be able to find a better civilian job in a coastal town or would he like to do something different.  I would start with those conversations and just tell him you want to keep options open. 

Xstatic3333

When we first started considering where to buy, H and I were on different pages about where to look, too.  I wanted to move to the small, fun, affordable city where we ended up, while H wanted to buy a large parcel in the country.  I'm not opposed to that someday, but didn't think I was there yet mentally or financially.  Pushing reason and finances fell on deaf ears with him.  What actually got him onboard was when I found houses that looked great and said, "let's just drive by to check it out."  Once he saw the great properties available to us, our city became much more intriguing to him.  I also had us spend more "fun" time in our (future) city so he could get a feel for it.  Within a couple of months of when I stopped trying to convince him, it was his idea to move to Providence, and all was well.  

I don't know the rest of your financial picture, but Southern CA does sound pretty expensive.  I'd take a solid look at your budget and make sure you'd actually be okay financially.  If you would be, I would probably just play up the good parts of your area, without nagging, whenever you go to visit.  He may come around on his own.  

On the issue of living close to family, I wouldn't push to hard there.  Perhaps like your H, I did not grow up surrounded by a close extended family.  I'm an only child with just a few cousins.  I love them, but we pretty much just see each other on holidays and are okay with that.  I know people who grow up with large extended families have a hard time imagining anything else, but for those of us who didn't grow up that way it can actually seem pretty intimidating.  H has a lot of family that lives on the same street, and the idea of having such little privacy makes me feel a little panicky inside.  Maybe your H shares the same fears?

I'm also wondering if there might be a good compromise area within 1-2 hours of your family that could work.  You could still see family most weekends and on all holidays, but perhaps it would be more in your H's comfort range price-wise.  Hopefully within the next six years you'll be able to find a compromise that you are both excited about.  Also, your girls are adorable!  What a cute picture.  

maple2

We are currently in the worst possible scenario--we live far from family and in a much higher COL area. We get none of the advantages of living near family and we pay a lot to do so! In your case, I doubt the cost savings of living near family would outweigh the increase in living expenses of being closer, but it's worth noting that those cost savings do exist and your DH may not have been taking them into account. We spend thousands of dollars every year travelling to visit family (airplane tickets and rental cars add up quickly!). If you include the money family spends visiting and hosting us, I'm sure $5-10,000 is spent every year just to be with family. We also spend money and a lot of time and energy figuring out childcare/transportation before and after school. Many people I know get help from family with those things, which makes life easier in so many ways. I'd also love to have someone who could occasionally watch the kids so DH and I could have a night out. Babysitters aren't cheap, and I always want someone I trust and the kids like, which can be difficult to find.

As you mentioned, there can also be lots of non-monetary benefits of being near family. My kids love their extended family, but they only get to see them a couple of times a year. It makes me sad since I grew up spending every holiday with my extended family, but we make the best of it. I do wish I could have a closer relationship to my nieces and nephews--sometimes I don't even get to see them in a year. We also sacrifice other types of travel. Our kids have been on very few vacations other than to visit family due to money and time limits. I'd love to take them to other destinations, but since I have to choose, family wins out. I'm also concerned about what happens as parents age--they will become less able to travel and eventually need care that I won't be around to provide. As you can tell, I'd love to be closer to family. On the other hand, though, we have managed to carve out a good life living far from them, so I'm sure you guys can make it work no matter what.

Stephanie2167

Great things to think about. Yes @maple2, we just drove from Texas to California for Christmas to spend it with our family. That was 3 days in the car to get there and 3 days back. My parents are already mid 60s (which is still young) but I want my kids to get as much time with their grandparents as they can. Moving there would mean a good $2600-$3000 a month mortgage payment and a smaller house, but kids would be in school by then so no more daycare costs. 

@xstatic3333 - Our families aren't too large. I have one sister (who has two daughters) and my husband has one sister (who has two daughter). But my side of the family is really close. His side isn't. They don't even really call on birthdays. My husband talks to my parents more then he talks to his own. He was texting with my dad the other day.

While we were "home" for Christmas my daughter stayed the night with her cousins and had a blast. When I went to pick her up the next morning I walked in and she said "Did you forget something?" haha. "Yeah, you." She didn't want to leave.    

short+sassy

This is definitely personal preference but, all things equal, I'd rather live in a more affordable area than near family.

Growing up, I lived in the same house for my whole childhood.  I have a younger sister.  But my aunt, uncle, and cousins all lived far away.  One set of grandparents lived near me and the other set didn't.  I loved being near the nearby set of grandparents.  In fact, during the summer months, that grandma was our babysitter.  It was a lot of fun on the 1-2x/year when I saw my cousins, but I think part of what made that special was because I didn't see them all the time.

@maple2 makes a really, really good point.  Growing up, unless they were short weekender trips, we NEVER went on vacation other than to visit family. 

After I graduated from college, I did move to a different part of the country.  Nowhere near where any family lives.  Part of that, though not all of it, was for financial reasons.  I grew up in a very HCOL area...as a matter of fact, So. CA...and moved to a MCOL area.  Honestly, I've become very distant from my immediate family (sister and her family, my mom).  There is no bad blood or anything, I'm just not great about staying in touch and neither are they.  That part is a bummer and is a general regret...but I've never been sorry I moved.  Yes, I'd make more money if I had stayed living out there...something else for you all to consider...but it would need to be doubled or even tripled to have the same buying power for housing, as compared to where I currently live.

Erikan73

Is there a location that the two of you would be able to agree upon that might not be in the area that your family is in but puts you in a reasonable driving distance like maybe within 1-2 hours of your family? This way you can live in a town that you both agree on but being closer allow you to visit with family easier on holidays or just for a random day visit. And it could also help as your parents get older.

Also what are your plans for career after your husband retires? Is he planning on continuing to work? If so I would say let where he can find a good job opportunity in a community you both like have an impact on where you live. Doesn't make sense for him, or you, to possible end up taking jobs where you will be miserable or make a lot less then you should for the sake of being close to family.

Your kids want to be near their cousins now, which is great. But how old are your nieces and nephews? Reason I'm asking is depending on what their ages are now, where will they be in 6 years? Are they all young like 10 & under, great, they will still get to develop close relationships. But if in 6 years they are all to the point where they are starting to graduate from high school or some are already in college, then more then likely they won't develop the close relationships you are hoping for them. Plus by that point, her interest in living down the street may have changed too.

Take this time to talk with your husband about what he sees himself doing after retirement. What do you see yourself doing after his retirement. Meaning, will either of you or both of you work & if so, what kind of work. What would the two of you like to do in your free time. What kind of weather do you feel more comfortable in. What is important to you in regards to size of property, closeness to town, closeness to eating out, shopping, big city type of stuff. What kind of things do you see yourself wanting to do after your daughter is out of the house? Then look for a town that fits the best to all of those things. The great news is you have about 4 years to figure this out and start looking. Then probably in 4 to start more seriously looking at towns.

Stephanie2167

We both currently work and if we do move "home" and I still have my current job I'll be able to transfer right back to where I started my career. He will start his 2nd career once he "retires" from the Coast Guard and we aren't sure of what that is yet. Plenty of opportunity out there for him in the maritime field or law enforcement. At that point I'll have been with my company 17 years. Moving an hour or two away would mean a ridiculous commute for me into the office (an hour will put us in Orange County which is even more expensive). My children are 6 and 2 year old twins. My nieces range from 9 to 2. So they will all still be fairly young.  

Thank you all so much for your input. I realize now that this is such a personal decision and no one situation is the same. By the time he retires I'll have been away from my parents for about 15 years. I miss home, my family and my friends that I only see via Facebook.

cbee817

We live in the same city as most of DH's family, an hour or so away from most of my family.. I honestly wouldn't want it any other way. The girls are really close to their grandparents, great aunts/uncles (DH's brother, wife, and 4 girls live in FL), 2nd cousins (all of my cousins' kids- I am an only child), great grandma (my grandma), etc. If I was in your situation, I would push to move closer to family- you have 6 years to plan and save, hopefully you'll have a great opportunity to move back home when it's time.

hoffse

Having just returned from LA/SF, I would personally be on your husband's side on this... but that's just a personal preference.  It's eye-wateringly expensive out there, and I think it really affects the quality of life.  

LA in particular is like this massive sprawl of tiny houses that - to be totally frank - looked kind of crummy, even though we were driving through some of the nicer areas near the coast.  I didn't understand the appeal at all.  I personally like the Norcal/Bay area much more (that's just me), but even then, I don't think I would move there if I didn't feel comfortable starting a home search around the $1M range.  

One thing to consider is that 6 years from now your kids may not feel the same way about their cousins.  That's a really long time for a little kid, and they are going to be completely different people at that time, and they will be approaching an age where they will start self-selecting their own friends.  I grew up on the other side of the country from all 20+ of my cousins, and while I enjoyed seeing them as a little kid, our interests diverged a lot as we grew older.  I have one cousin I have reconnected with as an adult, but none of the others.  By the age of 9-12 or so, I would have been devastated to leave the friends I had made on my own, because they were people I had chosen, instead of people my parents had chosen (or who had been chosen for me by virtue of being related).

I'm obviously in the minority on this, but the money really does matter, and you're talking about a future that might look very different 6 years from now than it does today.   The prices you have quoted are for what it would cost for you to live there TODAY, not what it would cost 6 years from now.  Those numbers could be very different (either direction, who knows).  I would suggest you start saving now and then reassess as you get closer to the time when it's an option for you.