What would you do?

blondie42107

So H's cousin is getting married.  We're not super close with his extended family but we do the usual holiday gatherings, typical family events, etc,  Cousin is getting married in October and the bridal shower invite just arrived today and it's set for August.  We've never met her fiance.  We know the wedding date but not the ceremony or reception times.  The day of the wedding I actually have a have a presentation (consult gig) but I don't know the time yet.  Likely morning or early afternoon at the latest.  Right now it looks like I could attend the bridal shower but H commented something along the lines of "meh."  It's about a 2 hour drive one way.  H also seems a little "meh" about the wedding.  I know my mother-in-law and sister-in-law will likely go to the shower.  My in-laws will also likely go to the wedding.

So do I make the trip for the bridal shower and give a gift (amount budgeted for) or just send a bigger gift since I won't have travel costs?  I'm not sure what we will do about the wedding yet with my consult gig.  I had no idea when I agreed to it that it would be their wedding day.  I know it shouldn't mean anything but I feel like it's expected that we show up and give a pretty nice gift.  H is one of the very, very few grandkids that hasn't "borrowed" money from his grandmother (quotes because the loans are never repaid).

AprilZ81

I would not drive 2 hours for a bridal shower for someone unless they were close.  If you want you can send a gift.

As for the wedding, if you can make it great, if not oh well.  Send another gift if you want, but just because H hasn't "borrowed" money from Grandma doesn't mean you have to give a bigger gift.  That is just silly.

Xstatic3333

AprilZ81 said:

I would not drive 2 hours for a bridal shower for someone unless they were close.  If you want you can send a gift.

As for the wedding, if you can make it great, if not oh well.  Send another gift if you want, but just because H hasn't "borrowed" money from Grandma doesn't mean you have to give a bigger gift.  That is just silly.

I agree with all of this. Only go to the shower if it sounds fun to you, but it doesn't to me. I also think it's reasonable to decline a wedding due to work, especially if they don't get a date and time out soon.

als1982

AprilZ81 said:

I would not drive 2 hours for a bridal shower for someone unless they were close.  If you want you can send a gift.

As for the wedding, if you can make it great, if not oh well.  Send another gift if you want, but just because H hasn't "borrowed" money from Grandma doesn't mean you have to give a bigger gift.  That is just silly.

Yep.  Very sage advice.

blondie42107

The travel part doesn't really bother me since we don't have anything else on the calendar for that day.  All of our family is in that same area (within a few towns of each other) so we are used to the drive.  I think I'll check with my MIL and SIL to see if they want to do a group gift; I can just send one of them money and they can do the shopping.  We'll see about the wedding as it gets closer.

On a side note:  H's family is nice but interesting.  My MIL commented to grandma one time about how H and SIL have never asked her (grandma) for money or material things but that she frequently spends money on the other grandkids.  Her comment was along the lines of "Why would I?  They have tons of money."  Grandma has bought two of the grandkids houses (they couldn't get loans - lack of income, working under the table, frequent job changes, etc), paid for a couple vehicles, medical bills, etc.  H doesn't say much but I know he and his sister get annoyed sometimes.  It really bugs my MIL (it's my FIL's mother).  

LillibetteV

I would probably skip it too if I wasn't super excited to go. And if I've never met the couple I probably would just send a card and not a gift. I prefer to go all out for my close friends and family rather than give everyone that sends me an invitation a gift because I feel like I must. 

jtmh2012

blondie42107 said:

On a side note:  H's family is nice but interesting.  My MIL commented to grandma one time about how H and SIL have never asked her (grandma) for money or material things but that she frequently spends money on the other grandkids.  Her comment was along the lines of "Why would I?  They have tons of money."  Grandma has bought two of the grandkids houses (they couldn't get loans - lack of income, working under the table, frequent job changes, etc), paid for a couple vehicles, medical bills, etc.  H doesn't say much but I know he and his sister get annoyed sometimes.  It really bugs my MIL (it's my FIL's mother).  

Kinda reminds me of my dad's mother.  Don't get me wrong.  I love her to death.  I think it bothers my parents more than it bothers me.  But, they (her and my uncle she lives with) send my cousin's (via different uncle) daughters stuff as well as going up to visit all the time.  When they get together, there's always a shopping trip involved.  My grandmother hasn't been up here since our son was born.  Bought him a dresser, but that was it.  Even when we went to Florida to see them, nada.

Like I said, I really don't care.  We have the money to do what we need and don't need gifts loans.  But my it irritates my parents.  Not because of the money, but I think it's more that they pay so much attention to the two great granddaughters and almost ignore their great grandson.

short+sassy

blondie42107 said:

The travel part doesn't really bother me since we don't have anything else on the calendar for that day.  All of our family is in that same area (within a few towns of each other) so we are used to the drive.  I think I'll check with my MIL and SIL to see if they want to do a group gift; I can just send one of them money and they can do the shopping.  We'll see about the wedding as it gets closer.

On a side note:  H's family is nice but interesting.  My MIL commented to grandma one time about how H and SIL have never asked her (grandma) for money or material things but that she frequently spends money on the other grandkids.  Her comment was along the lines of "Why would I?  They have tons of money."  Grandma has bought two of the grandkids houses (they couldn't get loans - lack of income, working under the table, frequent job changes, etc), paid for a couple vehicles, medical bills, etc.  H doesn't say much but I know he and his sister get annoyed sometimes.  It really bugs my MIL (it's my FIL's mother).  

I think that sounds like a great idea.  I don't think you all are obligated at all to send or contribute to a shower gift if you aren't going to the party, but it is certainly a nice gesture.

As for going to the shower, I don't see any obligation to do that either, unless you want to.  As you pointed out, it is 2 hours away...4 hours r/t...and you've never even met the bride.

As for the wedding itself, I'd just let that be your husband's call (unless the time interferes with your consulting gig).  If he thinks you all should go for the sake of family dynamics, great.  If he'd rather not go and suffer some temporary side-eyes from a few family members, even better (imo).  Though I have to admit I'm sure my opinion is colored by my not being very motivated to go to weddings unless they are convenient, especially location-wise, or a wedding for a very close friend/family member.   

vlagrl35

too long of a drive for a bridal shower unless DH comes with you and you make a weekend trip out of it.

So there are other people that borrow from their grandma and never get repaid?  I though maybe my cousin was the only one.  He is 9 years older than me.  He once asked to borrow $1800 from her, but told her it had to be a gift cause he couldn't pay it back. 

blondie42107

short+sassy said:

blondie42107 said:

The travel part doesn't really bother me since we don't have anything else on the calendar for that day.  All of our family is in that same area (within a few towns of each other) so we are used to the drive.  I think I'll check with my MIL and SIL to see if they want to do a group gift; I can just send one of them money and they can do the shopping.  We'll see about the wedding as it gets closer.

On a side note:  H's family is nice but interesting.  My MIL commented to grandma one time about how H and SIL have never asked her (grandma) for money or material things but that she frequently spends money on the other grandkids.  Her comment was along the lines of "Why would I?  They have tons of money."  Grandma has bought two of the grandkids houses (they couldn't get loans - lack of income, working under the table, frequent job changes, etc), paid for a couple vehicles, medical bills, etc.  H doesn't say much but I know he and his sister get annoyed sometimes.  It really bugs my MIL (it's my FIL's mother).  

I think that sounds like a great idea.  I don't think you all are obligated at all to send or contribute to a shower gift if you aren't going to the party, but it is certainly a nice gesture.

As for going to the shower, I don't see any obligation to do that either, unless you want to.  As you pointed out, it is 2 hours away...4 hours r/t...and you've never even met the bride.

As for the wedding itself, I'd just let that be your husband's call (unless the time interferes with your consulting gig).  If he thinks you all should go for the sake of family dynamics, great.  If he'd rather not go and suffer some temporary side-eyes from a few family members, even better (imo).  Though I have to admit I'm sure my opinion is colored by my not being very motivated to go to weddings unless they are convenient, especially location-wise, or a wedding for a very close friend/family member.   

The bride is H's cousin. We haven't met her future husband. He wasn't at family Christmas and the family didn't get together at Easter. The cousin is about 8 years younger than H.

blondie42107

vlagrl35 said:

too long of a drive for a bridal shower unless DH comes with you and you make a weekend trip out of it.

So there are other people that borrow from their grandma and never get repaid?  I though maybe my cousin was the only one.  He is 9 years older than me.  He once asked to borrow $1800 from her, but told her it had to be a gift cause he couldn't pay it back. 

I could never imagine asking my grandparents for money but honestly maybe it's more common than I realize. The two houses that grandma has purchased are not elaborate. It's a small, LCOLA area. Each are about $40,000 to $50,000. Grandma will never get paid back.

smerka

blondie42107 said:

vlagrl35 said:

too long of a drive for a bridal shower unless DH comes with you and you make a weekend trip out of it.

So there are other people that borrow from their grandma and never get repaid?  I though maybe my cousin was the only one.  He is 9 years older than me.  He once asked to borrow $1800 from her, but told her it had to be a gift cause he couldn't pay it back. 

I could never imagine asking my grandparents for money but honestly maybe it's more common than I realize. The two houses that grandma has purchased are not elaborate. It's a small, LCOLA area. Each are about $40,000 to $50,000. Grandma will never get paid back.

If Grandma is wise, that money will be addressed when the will is read.