Money Matters
hoffse
member
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Kind of MM-related: kids
OK talk me off the ledge, please.
H and I are going to TTC this fall. As it gets closer and closer, I start to think about pushing it back again. I think I am intimidated by the huge amount of change that will occur if we are successful, and I am a natural worrier, so I worry I won't do a good job or I'll mess the kid up somehow, etc.
A couple at our church just had an incident where their kid was left in the car on a hot day. It was an accident (I 100% believe them on that), but they got distracted going to work, and the kid was in the car for about for four hours before they found her. She's still alive, but in the ICU and currently unresponsive. I'm terrified that kind of thing will happen to us because H and I have busy schedules, full jobs, etc.
I'm also worried I won't be able raise a kid to be 1) humble/not snotty and 2) financially self-sufficient. My parents did a great job teaching me about money, but we also didn't have very much growing up, and I was keenly aware of that. I figure at some point any children H and I have will realize that mommy and daddy are both lawyers, so we can afford toy X and also bail them out when they get older. I have seen the product of professionally successful parents. Too many of those kids end up being little snots. I'm terrified that we are going to produce an entitled little snot, despite our best efforts.
Help?
H and I are going to TTC this fall. As it gets closer and closer, I start to think about pushing it back again. I think I am intimidated by the huge amount of change that will occur if we are successful, and I am a natural worrier, so I worry I won't do a good job or I'll mess the kid up somehow, etc.
A couple at our church just had an incident where their kid was left in the car on a hot day. It was an accident (I 100% believe them on that), but they got distracted going to work, and the kid was in the car for about for four hours before they found her. She's still alive, but in the ICU and currently unresponsive. I'm terrified that kind of thing will happen to us because H and I have busy schedules, full jobs, etc.
I'm also worried I won't be able raise a kid to be 1) humble/not snotty and 2) financially self-sufficient. My parents did a great job teaching me about money, but we also didn't have very much growing up, and I was keenly aware of that. I figure at some point any children H and I have will realize that mommy and daddy are both lawyers, so we can afford toy X and also bail them out when they get older. I have seen the product of professionally successful parents. Too many of those kids end up being little snots. I'm terrified that we are going to produce an entitled little snot, despite our best efforts.
Help?
Re: Kind of MM-related: kids
I was talking to my sister about my concerns about not raising a "mean girl" and teaching her about relationships so that we don't end up with a teenage pregnancy. She made a good point to me that does help to an extent. She reminded me that no matter how hard we try, or how "perfect" we are we are raising humans with their own ability to make decisions, their own personality and their own DNA. We can only do the best we can and move on.
We are in a great financial position right now and I'm sure we are better off than most people when they have their first child. I still worry about how to pay for child care, where we are going to make cuts in our budget to pay for things and if I should just cut our general savings amount and deal with it until the kid(s) are in school and we don't have childcare expenses. I know that some adjustments will happen naturally as we lower our entertainment budget as we don't have the energy to go out for dinner as much, or maybe we cut back on our vacation budget as we find it is more difficult to travel with super young kids...
I think I'm slowly coming around to be "okay" with the idea that we may cut back a little bit on retirement if we need to in order to still ENJOY life with our little one. We already have over $200k in various retirement accounts (DH is almost 39 and I'm 35) and are will on our way to meeting our retirement goals, not even taking into account any inheritance we may receive. If we continue to contribute to our 401(k)s at work but only partially fund some ROTHs if we need cash in other areas it won't be the end of the world (but I know it isn't optimal).
For you guys, it seems like you live pretty frugally all things considered. I really don't think your kids will notice a difference or expect more because you are lawyers until they would be 9-10 years old. By that time you will have had a lot of time to teach them about money and how to use it as a tool.
The money part is definitely a struggle. I get it. We are worth a good chunk of money now and by the time DD starts elementary school we will be worth double that. However, neither of us were brought up in wealthy households. So we know that it will be difficult to juggle that especially once she gets into school and will begin to see and understand other kids' lives. We personally will continue with our budgeting/planning/saving/spending/giving, and we will gradually bring her in on how we do those things. We intend to pay her commission rather than an allowance, and she will know there are certain tasks that are done just because you live in this house. We also plan to have her do her own budget for things she may want like clothes, movies, eating out, etc. As well as save up for her own car. We will match what she saves when the time comes to purchase a vehicle.
We also likely won't tell her that we have money put aside for college. This is definitely debatable, but we want her to know that she has to work hard with her grades so that she can get scholarships and go to college. We just don't want her to think she can party because mom and dad are paying for it and have the money. *Well, if she thinks that way at all then she's out on her own at that point anyways, but I'm a hardass.*
I know you don't live Dave Ramsey's principals, but there's a book out there called Smart Money, Smart Kids by his daughter Rachel Cruze. It is seriously enlightening. DD is only 17 months old, but it has given us some good insight on how to start things for her and give some teachable moments.
TTC since 1/13 DX:PCOS 5/13 (long, anovulatory cycles)
Clomid 50mg 9/13 = BFP! EDD 6/7/14 M/C 5w6d Found 11/4/13
1/14 PCOS / Gluten Free Diet to hopefully regulate my system.
Chemical Pregnancy 03/14
Surprise BFP 6/14, Beta #1: 126 Beta #2: 340 Stick baby, stick! EDD 2/17/15
Riley Elaine born 2/16/15
TTC 2.0 6/15
Chemical Pregnancy 9/15
Chemical Pregnancy 6/16
BFP 9/16 EDD 6/3/17
Beta #1: 145 Beta #2: 376 Beta #3: 2,225 Beta #4: 4,548
www.5yearstonever.blogspot.com
I'm not sure at what age kids suddenly become aware of how their lives are different than friends' lives. I think that's my biggest point of concern. H and I are frugal, but we aren't just working to work. We want to enjoy our incomes too. We currently enjoy our income primarily through travel and home improvements. In some respects that is easy to hide from the outside world, and most people we work with consider us pretty cheap/frugal because our wardrobes rarely change, we bring lunches, etc.
It's harder to hide spending from a kid though, and frankly.... we WANT them to have some of those experiences with us, especially travel. They will be dual citizens like my H, and he really wants to raise them bilingual (that's another topic).
I'm concerned about the inheritance thing too. It probably won't take them too many years to realize that they could inherit a lot of money from us and my parents. I certainly don't want them to expect it.
For me, I seemed to channel all of my worries into the pregnancy process instead of the actual parenting, which is probably silly since parenting is going to last a whole lot longer! I am, however, glad that H and I stuck to our timeline and made the jump. That doesn't mean you guys have to, but I'm someone who was never going to feel 100% ready and the reasons to wait were just slowly overshadowed by the reason to go for it. Both of my parents had health scares this year (but are okay now), and that's what really pushed me to take the plunge.
How upsetting for that couple at your church, and for all of the other church members. Sending thoughts and prayers that the child will be able to recover somehow.
As for raising financially self-sufficient kids, I think that you will do a fantastic job there. You've already taught so much to those of us who hang out on this board! I think you have a good knack for explaining financial principles and you seem to live by your own advice very well.
We make more than most of DD#1's classmates at school. She doesn't know that we are doing well because it's none of her business as a 5 years old. As they get older, they will see that we can afford to do this or go somewhere, but it will be in the form of experiences, trips, or classes (like dance/art/music), not physical things. By staying in our current house, we actually have to really limit the # of toys because we just don't have the space. It works out well!
Finally, I'm so sorry to hear about that family- their lives will never be the same. Always check your backseat!- DH still does everyday when he goes to work because he drops off DD#2 at daycare.
we don't have the demanding jobs you and your DH have but it was still a bit of an adjustment. Figuring out how to handle feeding schedules and who was going to watch her when we were both busy at the same time. You make it work and it works out. For us having DD enhanced our lives so much - I can't imagine life without kids now.
You just need to take the jump - it's not that scary
You and me both @hoffse. I could have written this same exact thing. H and I were discussing this the other day that our kids won't know what it's like to have cable/satellite or eat out for dinner every night, but they likely will have traveled to a different country before they start elementary school.
We get judged a lot for our lifestyle. My co-worker on Friday was giving me crap that "it must be nice" to be looking at booking Hawaii for the 2nd time in a year. I reminded him that we don't have cable, drive older vehicles with miles on them, and really don't do much so we can do bigger trips.
The way that I look at all of this, it's just all part of parenting. Everyone has their fears and struggles of what area is most important to them to raise their children in or teach them. DD is young, but she actually has only received 2 books as a gift from us for a holiday/birthday. She may think it's weird someday that we don't do big themed birthday parties, spend a lot on holidays and birthdays while many of her friends' parents do. This is where we hope to use that opportunity to teach her how to prioritize wants/needs or that we can't have everything everyone else has.
The inheritance part is where I'm the most concerned at. We are okay with her knowing all of this someday, but we also want to try our hardest to not raise an entitled brat. It's going to be a hard line to draw when it comes to spoiling/entitling vs what are needs for her.
TTC since 1/13 DX:PCOS 5/13 (long, anovulatory cycles)
Clomid 50mg 9/13 = BFP! EDD 6/7/14 M/C 5w6d Found 11/4/13
1/14 PCOS / Gluten Free Diet to hopefully regulate my system.
Chemical Pregnancy 03/14
Surprise BFP 6/14, Beta #1: 126 Beta #2: 340 Stick baby, stick! EDD 2/17/15
Riley Elaine born 2/16/15
TTC 2.0 6/15
Chemical Pregnancy 9/15
Chemical Pregnancy 6/16
BFP 9/16 EDD 6/3/17
Beta #1: 145 Beta #2: 376 Beta #3: 2,225 Beta #4: 4,548
www.5yearstonever.blogspot.com
This was me too for TTC #2 - it was a life altering pregnancy for me with DD. All the puking, weight gain, body pains, depression/anxiety it was not fun at all. I had to cut down on my work hours. It was stressful but totally worth it. So going into TTC #2 I would worry it would all happen the same again to the point of actually crying to DH about my fears. Currently I don't think about that much right now - keep my mind positive, visualize a great pregnancy, and pray to god about it. Only time will tell.
The other stuff I agree will eventually just fall into place.
Most of the partners actually work longer hours than I do. I think productivity tends to peak for lawyers in their 40's, and 50's. They bill a lot less, but they spend a LOT of time doing client development.
I have managed to land a position that will require minimal client development, because I will be inheriting a bunch of clients from a couple of benefits attorneys who want to retire. They asked all of the tax associates if anybody would be willing to learn ERISA, and I was the only one who volunteered. So here we are. They are training me now, and we are starting to work on that transition. I am hoping that this will give me 1) extra time since I won't have to do a lot of client development and 2) some leverage if I ever need to reduce my hours and go on an alternative schedule.
Any type of full-time private practice seriously cuts into my time though. I do hope I can arrange a schedule that works.
First, I recommend reading the book When Two Become Three. It gives a very good perspective on the parents' relationship when a child enters the picture.
What has worked for us, to NOT have a snot kid, is to not let them rule your life. Meaning...you do not drop everything for them, you teach "no" and you use "no" often, you teach them not to interrupt adults when adults are talking, and you limit what they have in terms of material possessions no matter how wealthy you are. The kids do not dictate the family lifestyle (the parents do) and they do not set the schedule. If this means they each get one extra activity each week, then so be it.
DH makes in the upper 100ks right now as a commercial pilot. I am a SAHM. But we both will inherit money and when he retires at 65 (forced retirement by the FAA at that age), he will be making probably close to $400k. So, I understand what you mean by being scared that you are going to ruin the kids.
We think the best way to manage money and children has been to limit what they have and what we have also...we also give a lot away to charity and they see and know this even from young ages. We help others and they see and know this. Teaching a child to be a "servant" seems to help them understand the world does not revolve around them.
We also do not discuss with them what is in the 529s or savings accounts. As far as they know, as they age, is that they are going to make their own way in life and for college (if they choose that route). When the time is right, we will share with each of them what we are willing to contribute to their educations.
Also, this may seem extreme, but TV these days is actually so fast-moving in terms of the speed at which scenes change, that is it actually bad for kids' mental development.
Our kids had NO screen time until the age of two and even now, they do not have phones, tablets, computers, or much TV time either. I personally think by limiting their exposure to TV, specifically TV commercials, we have prevented our kids from getting the "gimme gimme gimme" attitude. When we are in stores, we rarely have trouble getting the kids to put away or walk away from things they desire like toys they see on the shelves.
The content you allow in your home affects children. The content of your and DH TV, movies, language, books and social choices that they see, hear and observe lays the ground work for what they learn, mimic, and then use as their own behavior. This many also seem extreme, but DH and I limit our alcohol consumption in front of our children. We do not think drinking is bad, but we do not what our kids to think it is "needed."
Lastly, we are fairly strict disciplinarians. Time outs, toys taken away, and sometimes spanking, are part of our arsenal of parenting. Aside from these apologies, forgiveness and accepting apologies are huge too.
The main thing is that you cannot see your kids as your friends - you do not try to be the "cool" parent. When they are out of your home and off your payroll, then you can be friends. While they are in your home, you are in charge. If they know and respect this, it is far easier to parent them and mold their behaviors.
I know I may be a bit biased...but I cannot tell you the number of complete strangers who have come up to us in public and complimented our family due to the kids' good behavior...many elderly couples even pay for our meals. People at church are always floored to learn their ages due to their good behavior during church (we do not send them out, we keep them with us in the entire service). And, immediate as well as extended family, love being with our children because they are kind, polite, and respectful.
So, we are obviously doing something correct. We all have a great time and a happy, loving home.
The PP who said that eventually kids have to make their own choices is correct also. We know this. But, while they are under our roof, and/or we are paying for stuff for them, they will follow our rules, we set the routines, and if they do not follow DH and me, then there are consequences.
I think it gets harder when kids are older and exposed to the families of other children who may be excessive. There's just not much you can do about that.
The inheritance thing literally gives me heartburn when I think about it. We will likely give some of it away to charity, but assuming we like our kids (I hope we do!) then of course they would be included. I'll probably the tie the money up good and tight though, just in case.
H's coworker and his wife took their family on a week long summer vacation earlier this month. Sounds like everyone had a great time. However, a few days after returning home, they noticed their fridge freezer went up. They panicked about what they were going to do because they couldn't afford a new fridge - repair man told them it was cheaper to buy new than to fix. They were stressed out. They are always posting pictures on Facebook about going to the movies, weekend trips, etc. They are really nice people but it seems obvious that they are living above their means based on what H's coworker has shared with him. We also know a family that has let their home go into foreclosure so that they could buy a new, bigger one. They also went to Disney three times in less than 24 months and didn't hide it to us that all of it went on their credit card. Their kids don't know this though.
A while back our 5 year old asked if we could order pizza. I said no and he asked why. I think I commented that it wasn't in the budget for that week. He asked if we ran out of money.
I know a lot of people on this board talk finances with friends and family freely. H and I have always been more private. At this point we don't plan to tell our children what our salaries are, what we have in retirement or savings, etc. They really have no need to know that. Even at my age now, I don't need to know what my parents have. I don't care if I inherit anything from them and I don't feel entitled to anything. I wasn't raised that way.
Otherwise, TTC concerns are pretty normal. There's ideal times to have children, maybe. But there's never a perfect time to have children. Some people would never have them. lol You just plan the best you can.
Although I'm not a parent myself, I was raised by some great ones
.
I think they had a good balance of telling my sister and I "no" when we just randomly wanted something. But would seriously listen to us when there was a specific toy (or something) we especially wanted. It was explained how long we would have to save our allowance...or sometimes they'd offer half, if we saved half...or we could wait until our birthday. That kind of thing.
My mom took me to open a savings account when I was 4. I was encouraged, but never forced, to put some of my allowance/birthday money into the account. She would show me the statement every quarter, so I could see how my balance was growing as I added money to it. I was also FASCINATED by interest!!!! I thought that was the best ever. To my young child self, I thought it was amazing the bank would give me money, just to keep my money in one of their accounts. It encouraged me even more to save. Granted, this was back when basic savings accounts earned 5% interest. Really dating myself with that bit of info, lol.
As I grew older and was more aware of what my contemporaries had vs. what I had, I realized my parents made a good bit less money than most of the kids I went to school with. We lived comfortably and were fortunate to always have the basics, plus some extras and a yearly vacation. But I grew up in a ritzy little beach resort town with a very HCOL and salaries that matched.
I still remember one of my friends was given a brand new BMW for her 16th birthday and had a personalized plate that said, "(Her Name) BMR" and then the license plate frame on the bottom said, "Daddy's Payments". Although a little more ostentatious than most, those were generally the kind of kids I grew up with.
I knew from an early age that my parents had a college fund for me, but I also knew it wouldn't be enough to pay for all of it. At 14, I started working a part-time job for more spending money and also to start saving for college myself. I worked part-time from 14 all the way until I graduated from college. When I was old enough to drive, my parents paid for half my insurance, but I had to pay for the other half plus my own gas.
My general suggestion to all parents who can afford to pay for their children's entire college/trade school is...pay for the tuition and living expenses...but make your child earn their own spending money. That can be achieved with even a small p/t job of just a few hours/week. I worked 18-24 hours/week in college, took a full load, did well, and still had free time.
@hoffse, I know you are worried about the issue of inheritance also. Really, though, your all's kids are going to know they aren't likely to inherit anything until they are almost retired/retired themselves. That's a long time they will need to be financially independent. Plus, with any luck, you and your H will be busy and healthy enough in your retirement to be gallivanting around the world
. They might not know how much will be left for them anyway.
My mom occasionally frets to me that she is really trying to leave a nice nest egg for my sister and me. She has always been pretty frugal and, now that she is retired and well set, I have been trying to break her out of that! I would be happiest if she would spend her golden years eating at 4-star restaurants and treating herself to spa days.
FIL and SMIL are beyond horrible with their money. I was so glad we read that book before we put together our will. They know we received a sizeable inheritance when my brother passed. FIL made a comment one day about if we ever pass, how they'll be living just fine. We were putting together our will at that point and they have stipulations on their portion of the money.
There is nothing wrong with leaving an inheritance. The bible even says that a good man leaves an inheritance to his children's children. However, there has to be some teaching that goes along with that. If someone is just handed $1million without knowing how to handle it, it could be of more harm than good.
My parents are very open now about the inheritance they will leave to me and what their rules are with it. They have flat out said that if I wasn't a humbled person, then they would not be leaving it to me. At one point in my life they actually considered having in their will that it skips a generation and goes to their grandchildren because neither my brother nor I had our crap in order.
So know that in this whole thing, you are the one who has power over your inheritance. A will can be changed whenever you feel the need to do so.
However, I'm of the camp that if I need to write my child out of my will then I have failed myself at setting the expectations for them. DD is only 17 months, but we're already kind of sticklers with her. She hears no a lot, but also has a lot of free reign (I'm far from a helicopter parent). She is also already expected to pick up her toys, wipe up a mess, push in her chair, bring her cup to the sink, help move laundry from the washer to the dryer, etc. One of the best things we did before we started TTC was sat down and really discussed what expectations we want for our children as well as what discipline we're okay or not okay with. It really helped us so when something comes up with her that neither of us have handled before, we know how we jointly have agreed to deal with that for our overall parenting.
Being parents is one of the most challenging yet rewarding things we've ever done. But we know that we are going to mess up many times. There will be situations we handle with her that we'll look back and wish we had done differently. As much as someone like you and I like to have control over things or have a plan for them, I've found that parenting is much less stressful when I don't worry or focus on those things and instead focus on raising my child to be a good member of society. Hopefully later as she starts to understand things more we can explain to her different lifestyles as they come up, and even later in life about how mom, dad, grandma, grandpa, and great grandparents have worked hard to leave their families something to be proud of.
You guys will be just fine simply because you care enough to ask these questions and be concerned about them. That shows that you will care to make sure your children understand things without the entitlement and know the value of hard work.
TTC since 1/13 DX:PCOS 5/13 (long, anovulatory cycles)
Clomid 50mg 9/13 = BFP! EDD 6/7/14 M/C 5w6d Found 11/4/13
1/14 PCOS / Gluten Free Diet to hopefully regulate my system.
Chemical Pregnancy 03/14
Surprise BFP 6/14, Beta #1: 126 Beta #2: 340 Stick baby, stick! EDD 2/17/15
Riley Elaine born 2/16/15
TTC 2.0 6/15
Chemical Pregnancy 9/15
Chemical Pregnancy 6/16
BFP 9/16 EDD 6/3/17
Beta #1: 145 Beta #2: 376 Beta #3: 2,225 Beta #4: 4,548
www.5yearstonever.blogspot.com
I know it's your family, but I just have to say "Wow!" about the first bolded. I would have been tempted to say, "You know, it's supposed to be the other way around." That's just creepy and a lot of chutzpah. I'm hoping it was said before your daughter was born. Because I would think most people would assume she is getting the bulk of your all's inheritance anyway.
As for the seconded bolded, I wouldn't be surprised if that is fairly common. Not necessarily because they don't trust their own children but, like I mentioned in my (above) post, most people's kids will be fully grown adults who have been living on their own for decades. When my H's parents passed away, they left most of their inheritance to all the grandkids because they felt their own children were flying just fine on their own and didn't need it. Heck, my H's older sister had already been retired when they passed. She's a lot older (about 15 years) and her "kids" were already adults in their 30s, at the time.
I think, in general, when people are talking about large enough estate, it is probably a good idea to dole the money out over time anyway. Regardless of someone's age or financial responsibility. A large sum of money, given all at once, can potentially turn even the frugaliest penny pincher into a wasteful spender. I know "frugaliest" is a word I made up, but I decided I like it!
We still have not told him about the setup in the will. We know that we need to, but H has been sidestepping this conversation entirely. I told him maybe if we tell him how he's listed in the will then he'll straighten his crap up. I personally didn't want him in it at all, but he truly is a nice guy and would drop and do anything for us. He's helped us with all of the house remodeling and is there to help whenever we need it. His snyde comments and judgements don't help all of this.
Note: This is all in our catastrophy clause. So it will take DD passing away as well before everything goes to our parents instead. But the odds of her being with us if anything happens is pretty high, so we didn't take that lightly.
TTC since 1/13 DX:PCOS 5/13 (long, anovulatory cycles)
Clomid 50mg 9/13 = BFP! EDD 6/7/14 M/C 5w6d Found 11/4/13
1/14 PCOS / Gluten Free Diet to hopefully regulate my system.
Chemical Pregnancy 03/14
Surprise BFP 6/14, Beta #1: 126 Beta #2: 340 Stick baby, stick! EDD 2/17/15
Riley Elaine born 2/16/15
TTC 2.0 6/15
Chemical Pregnancy 9/15
Chemical Pregnancy 6/16
BFP 9/16 EDD 6/3/17
Beta #1: 145 Beta #2: 376 Beta #3: 2,225 Beta #4: 4,548
www.5yearstonever.blogspot.com
I'm a pretty big believer in institutional trustees, even though they cost more. If you are talking about several million in assets (and with life insurance that would be totally possible), I think it's best not to tempt relatives. Little kids have no ability to defend themselves from a guardian who also has unfettered access to the kid's money.
So yeah, we'll be tying it up nice and tight. I just hope my kids would rather have me around than my money! A lot of adult children don't feel that way though. And then the behaviors that come out after people die.... appalling.
I once worked on an estate where we spent nearly $50K in legal fees fighting over $12K in assets. We kept telling them to stop fighting, and nobody would listen. It was the stupidest thing ever.
The bolded reminds me of all the child actors/stars who had their parents squander their money before they were even old enough to spend it.
There was even an episode of "Life or Debt" about it. I forget the guy's name, but he was a famous singer, even as pre-teen/teenager. By the time he turned 18, not only had his parents spent most of his money, but they also shorted the taxes on it. He paid a 6-figure sum to the IRS to keep them from going to jail, despite what they had done to him.
My goodness! I'd hate to think there are people out there who would rather have their parents' money than their parents around! Perhaps I'm woefully naïve on that (sigh).
I've heard horror stories about relatives fighting over an estate. Even when it is not much of an estate. I've always wondered if there is some kind of psychology going on with that. Anger/sadness over a relative's passing turned outward to anger at others? Any perceived unfairness, even if slight, becomes magnified in those situations?
My rheotorical (sp?) questions pondering for the day.
As for the fighting. My grandfather caused a lot of hurt when he passed. Not sure the details, but my uncle was named executer of his estate. When it looked like my grandfather might not make it much longer, he tried to go over things with my grandfather who basically got mad at my uncle and told him he just wanted the money and to sell everything and split it. So given that, my uncle didn't really want to deal with it and forbid anybody to take anything while everyone was in town (most of us are several states away). My uncle then found out when they had the estate sale appraiser come out that there wasn't anything of value worth selling. So then my parents had to go back up there and her, my uncle, and another aunt that is local basically split everything up. My other aunt got whatever anyone else was nice enough to send. There wouldn't have been a legal battle over all this, but there were a lot of hurt feelings.
She also let me know that he redid his will, basically cutting out all the grandkids (including me). When they originally wrote the will including us grandkids (there's 11 of us), none of us had families of our own. Now that there's spouses, and great grandkids, he felt it was getting too complicated and it could cause issues after he passes. And, I completely agree with him. I even found myself annoyed that some of my cousins would be getting money from him, even though they're kind of crappy people in general. So it's better to just not include us and let our parents decide what they want to do with the money he leaves to them.
This all sounds very wise.
On a lighter note, the divvying up heirlooms reminded me of a Frasier episode. He was putting together his will and was worried there could be fighting over his possessions. So he gave his father and brother (Niles) each a set of Post It notes and told him they should write their names on them and put them on the items they wanted. However, Frasier phrased it...without explicitly saying so...that this should be done after his death.
Throughout the rest of the episode, Frasier keeps coming across Post It notes everywhere with his brother's name on it. He even pulls a bottle of wine out of his countertop wine rack and there it is! A "Niles" post it, even on the wine, lol.