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I finally went to the Dr. for a PPD diagnosis...
And let me tell you it was very, very difficult to admit it!
I hate sharing my feelings, and unless it's for something utterly fabulous I feel very uncomfortable with attention --so going to a doctor and saying, "hey, I'm depressed! And some days I'd like to knock out an entire vial of Vicodin with an entire bottle of Chardonnay!" makes me feel like I'm being a bit of a drama queen, but I think this doctor's visit was a little overdue.
When you feel cruddy right after the baby is born, it's easy to simply say "I've got a newborn, this is tough" and leave it at that; but at 6 months, when you have this incredible, interesting baby doing learning new things each day, and a husband who is as helpful as one can ask for, and not much to legitimately complain about, you think "Hey, I ought to be happy, not feeling worse than ever."
And it's hard to identify if you really have a problem; the good days are just fine, but the low days are rock-bottom low. It's those days, and a majority of those days over the last few months that have been the most difficult. I've been a bad wife to my husband --I don't talk to him, I don't snuggle with him, I don't even..ahem..with him-- and he's had to pick up the lion's share of work around the house b/c all I can do is stare at the mess and feel bad that it's messy. I think I would have let my marriage fall apart so long as I thought I could still be a good mom to Blair, but in the last week I feel like my own perpetual perpetual mopey-ness is making my otherwise happy baby fussy and unhappy when we're together. I pass her off to DH and they have a grand old time, and I sometimes just sit on the couch and feel bad about it. Thank God I've never reached a point where I was going to hurt myself (the rational side of my brain still prevails! the mean part says "that's it, I'm finished, I'm going to do it" and I'm like, um, I don't actually want to be dead, thank you very much) but regardless, THIS IS NOT ACCEPTABLE!
So, now I've got a prescription for Zoloft, a referral for a therapist, and the doctor's reassurance that I'll probably feel like my old self in about 6 months or so. Sheesh... six whole months seems like such a long time, and though I don't know what to expect from therapy, I suppose that whatever amount of time and effort it takes will be better. I don't expect to turn into June Cleaver or Mary Poppins (or even Miss Playboy Bunny) overnight, but it's a relief to be told I'm not "broken" (even though I feel like it) and that I'm not useless or worthless or whatever. (It would be nice to turn off that voice in my head overnight, though! I'm tired of that voice telling me to "buck up and get over it" or worse.)
Anyway, I just wanted to share, especially since we have so many new moms on this board --maybe someone else is going through something similar... it's hard to ask for help, but it's a huge relief.
Re: I finally went to the Dr. for a PPD diagnosis...
I'm glad you were able to seek help from your doctor and get the ball rolling in a direction you're comfortable with. I hope everything works out for the best!