I've had it with my wife's mother (long)

jayangel

    So last night Jay's mother made it clear that she finds our relationship to be in her exact words incomprehensible, sees us as just friends and doesn't even consider us to be married since  this "union" that we say we are a part of is neither recognized by the state law or according to her God. She also said she never ever ever will accept our relationship and that when we have children the child that I give birth to in NO way what so ever will be related to her or considered her grandchild even though Jay will legally adopt the child. She states that she doesn't feel that two women who are (again in her words) living as man and woman should raise a child in such an immoral environment and that doing so is the equivalent of a child being brought up in an physically abusive household. 

   I am really upset and disappointed even though we don't plan to have children for a few years its bothers me to know that since she is unwilling to accept my future biological child that we will have no choice but to ban her from having contact with both of our children. Jay says that it doesn't really bother her but I know it truly does because before she started dating she was really close to her mom. Jay says I have no reason to but at times I feel guilty like I'm the one that caused her relationship with her mother to be such a wreck. Another thing that bothers me is that her mother is really fake she pretends to like me and always askes me for a hug and everything when we're in person but then over the phone she has nothing but negative words concerning anything to do with me. Well on a more positive note she did say she will accompany Jay if she decides to seek counseling to "treat" this immoral condition. I heard the whole conversation and just wanted to grab the phone and tell her a few things but I decided not to. I would say maybe in time her mothers opinion will change but we both highly doubt it. I know this post is way too long and filled with run on sentences but I just felt the need to vent.

Has anyone ever had a situation like this and if so how did you or how do you suggest that we try to deal with it?

2brides

I am so sorry. It is hard to be told that what you believe in your heart is wrong and that your relationship isn't valued.  My mom said some pretty hurtful things when I came out about my relationship with L. Basically, she said she hoped we never had children since they wouldn't grow up and be normal. Not quite the same as your MIL, but it hurt. Fast forward 5 years and my mother came to our shower, bought a ton of baby stuff, etc.  She is their Grammy.  I hope over time your MIL comes around and can be respectful to you, your wife, your children, and your family.

Hang in there. 

annabelle.27

I'm so sorry

Two*True

((Hugs))  There are plenty of girls on this board that have dealt with family drama surrounding our relationships.  I was lucky that while my mom cried for 6+ months straight, she never once turned K away or said anything hurtful.  Unfortunately I think the only thing you can do is wait it and see what happens.  You are NOT at fault so don't blame yourself.

bluedaisyus

i'm dealing with pretty much the same thing with my wife's brother right now. replace mother with brother or sister-in-law and i could have written most of this. it sucks and it hurts, but it is NOT your fault. it's okay for jay to be bothered by it and to be hurt by her mother's words; we all hurt when the people we love most reject us because of who we are. it might help jay to hear that from you. i sincerely hope that her mother comes around, but ultimately it is her decision. i wish i had some advice for you that would make her mother change her opinons, but all i've been able to do is be there and support c no matter what. stay strong, angel. lots of hugs and good thoughts coming your way.

Duchess1

I am so sorry. I had major MIL drama too. She was awful for a looooong time. She refused to come to our wedding, made S cry on our wedding day and even banned me from the hospital after she and S's grandfather were in an accident.

I wish I could tell you I did some magic trick to make things okay. Sadly, for us anyway, time seems to have helped. S refusing to allow her to ruin our happiness helped too. We don't hide who we are or our plans for the future. She has come to see if she wants any kind of a decent relationship with S, she has to accept that I am here to stay.

She sees how much we love and support one another and I think she is relieved to see S is happy and cared for. When S's grandfather was ill we visited together and sat by his bedside until he passed away. At the funeral I sat right up front with S, her mom and brother and was listed in the obit as a grandchild.

Time heals so much. Cheesy, but true.

I know how maddening and painful this is and I am so sorry you have to suffer through it. Big hugs to you both.

Sorry for the novel.

cookiemonster03

I'm sorry you're dealing with this. PPs have said all I could say...

ssg73

cookiemonster03:

I'm sorry you're dealing with this. PPs have said all I could say...

ditto

ElizabethD

My dad's parents refused to attend his wedding because my mom was Lutheran (they were Catholic.)  It was extremely painful to both and stayed that way until my brother and I came along... time and an ACTUAL grandbaby change a lot.

Some perspective for you to chew on.  The fact that she is *willing* to be "fakey" and huggy with you in person bodes well.  It means her heart of hearts can't treat you like dirt because she recognizes you are the love of her daughters life.

Empathy.  Imagine how much fear and hopelessness she must be feeling to be saying all those nasty things to her daughter?  The intense powerlessness this woman feels is coming out sideways - through homophobia.  It's not impossible that if you were a guy you STILL wouldn't be good enough.  She may be replaying her motherhood wondering what she "did wrong", or wonder what she did to "deserve this".  It is all voices and words she was given her whole life, I'm guessing.

I think what happens is that fear subsides... the hopelessness is replaced by a deep love of the baby... and the realization that her daughter is well cared for and deeply loved.  And all that homophobic baggage she was innundated with her whole life somehow seems really small and trivial compared to the REAL daughter she has who has real love for someone who happens to be another woman.

My only recommendation is to tell your wife (as I had to tell my husband) that you do NOT want to hear anything that her mom says about you and that if she's willing to let her mom talk nasty, that's her business.  Tell your wife that you not only don't want to hear it but you do not like how it so greatly impacts her emotionally, which of course bleeds over to your relationship together, and that you hope that she can learn some boundaries to stop listening to it.

There are ways you can acknowledge and dismiss at the same time.  "Mom, I'm sorry you feel that way and I'm done having these conversations.  If you can't talk about anything positive then I'm going to hang up (or leave)."

And she needs to leave it at that...don't keep talking, defending, attacking.  And then ACT.  "Mom, I warned you that I'm going to hang up and you didn't listen, so right now I'm hanging up the phone.  I love you and I'll talk to you again soon."  Click.

TouchieLori

I'm so sorry about your MIL.  If she doesn't want to be involved in her daughter's, yours, or her grandchild's life that's a mistake she has to live with for rest of her life.  There's nothing that you can do.  It's up to your wife if she chooses to continue her relationship with her mother.  I would suggest that you be supportive to your wife.

jayangel

Thanks so much to everyone for the advice and kind words that you all have offered us. I realize we basically just have to wait and see if her mother decides to change her opinion, it's a long shot but you never know what could happen. We both have decided that until her mother is done spreading her negativity we will keep our distance.