Consequences of Selfishness (long)

hamerk02

So, this may seem a bit strange, but one thing I decided to try in 2009 was to be more selfish.

DH and I drove from CA to NE and back between Dec 16 and Dec 24.  In those endless hours at the wheel, we were able to have quite a few difficult conversations, there was no way to escape.  One topic I decided to bring up was that I wanted to do something outdoorsy and fitness-related each weekend.  I wanted to see all the natural wonders of Southern California since it looks like we'll be moving elsewhere within 1.5 years.

DH didn't really think that was a good idea.  In fact, DH got really upset and said that it was stupid and that we didn't have the resources or the time.  Unfortunately, I have been feeling a lack of connection with nature and we've been letting ourselves get very out-of-shape.  So I told him, well I'll do it regardless and you're welcome to come along.

Where is the line between what I want and what's best for both of us.  What we usually do on weekends is DH goes to bed drunk after staying up late with his friends while I go to bed and get up early wanting to do something.  It's a nightmare trying to get DH out of bed and the soonest we can go anywhere together is like 3:00pm!  I know, I know, I knew this when I married him, but isn't a good wife supposed to try to steer the relationship in a healthy direction.  Shouldn't one half of a couple be able to push the other half?  Am I being selfish?  Am I "leading by example?"

So far, I've been riding my bicycle around town and DH meets me at a destination with the car.  I guess it's a compromise but when is it OK to push him?

njbried

what about a compromise? One weekend you do what you want, next weekend he does what he wants. And if you want to explore the outdoors, how much money would that really take?

Mrs.Barry31508

I toally agree with pp with compromising. Also my priest told us that when we got married, our marriage would be constantly changing. You really have to change with it or there will be problems. It sounds like your DH doesn't see eye to eye on this. Unfortunately sometimes we just have to suck it up and grow up. I think it's totally unfair that your not doing what you want, just by what is he doing on the weekends. Make sure you do stuff for youself. It will bulit into regret and blame later on. Keep in there and vent anytime you need to here!

hamerk02

Thanks for the advice.  We'll continue to look for common ground in our weekend plans, with some time for each of us to do what we want and some time to spend together.  I was just wondering if it was selfish.

njbried

I really don't think it is. There are 2 people in the relationship, and both need to be happy. I agree with Emily that if you constantly give in, you will come to resent it later.

hamillm

I agree with the pp's.  I don't think you are being selfish at all, you are just being honest with him!