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BFF makes me sad
I'm kinda finding that I don't want to be friends with one of my best friends anymore. Actually, it's more that we don't have much in common and I'm having difficulty with some decisions she keeps making. Am I being hypocritical?
My friend, H, has a boyfriend T. Only T can't seem to get stuff to work right in the bedroom. So H is sleeping with T's friend. I try really hard not to judge people and their relationships because I spend plenty of my own time telling people not to judge my relationship...but I'm kind of judging H. And truthfully I'm not so upset about her cheating on her boyfriend, it's more about the drama she is creating for herself. She knows it's a crappy situation and she knows it's wrong, but she continues to do it and continues to make excuses. It's really the excuses that bother me. Perhaps I'm just tired of hearing complaints instead of solutions. I don't know what I expect from posting this, I think I just need to post because for the first time in our friendship I don't feel like talking to her everyday. And that sucks. I want to want to chat with her, but it's the same drama. It's not even as though it's drama that I'm helping her through...it's just drama and she's perfectly content (or at least refusing) not changing a thing.
Do I still listen? Do I say something (although I have and she blows it off)? Am I completely in the wrong?
Re: BFF makes me sad
i've sooo had friends like this and don't think you're in the wrong for a couple of reasons:
1) the friendship is bringing you down rather than enriching your life...sure, we should still stand by our friends when they are down, but it sounds like she's a blatent drain on you and its more personality-based than situational.
2) while i also try not to judge friends, its hard to be on suuuuuch opposite ends of an issue and in such different places in your life. I'd find it really hard to be friends with her also.
I'd probably start distancing myself from the friend - saying somethign isnt going to get you too far and why should you continue to bum yourself out by listening to her?
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I would find it really hard to listen to that day in and day out. I am sorry you are in such a tough spot. It's hard to distance yourself from friends, but sometimes it's the only way to keep your sanity or stop yourself from saying something that might add to the drama.
I often feel like I HAVE to be more accepting/understanding/supportive a lot of the time. I used to tell myself if I expect people to accept me or my relationship than I have to do the same. This doesn't work though. I ended up spending a lot of time excusing horrible behavior or spending time with people who hurt or upset me.
It's a hard habit to break.
That's exactly it! And the behavior is new for her so it's even harder. Its so out of character and it upsets her too, but she won't change it. I just don't understand.
First, I want to say I am so sorry you are in this situation. It is so painful to watch a good friend make poor decisions.
I think you should consider having one last say about it and then refusing to entertain any conversation about it after that. Easier said than done, of course, but maybe after a few rounds of reminding her you're not going to talk about it and then changing the subject, she'll start focusing on it less in your conversations.
I dunno. I was in a situation like this once (though it was a fianc? that was being cheated on, not just a boyfriend) and I didn't handle it very well. I felt a lot of pressure to be "accepting" and "open-minded", and ended up compromising my own principles in the process.
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It sounds like some of us fall into the same trap; forcing ourselves to be accepting to ensure we are accepted.
It's crazy that we do that to ourselves!
I have been in many similar situations where I don't agree with my friends actions or behavior. At those times I have to remind myself that I am sure there are things I have done over the years that my friends have not agreed with and I would have hated to have them turn their backs on me. I have found with my friends that the best thing I can do with them is be perfectly honest about my feelings on their situation. Whenever they talk about what they are going through you need to tell them how things are from your perspective. You will not only be helping your friend maybe find some clearity but you will feel better knowing you are being completely honest with her and yourself. You could even say to her "You seem to be complaining a lot about your problems, lets work on the solutions and way to make improvements." It has got to the point with one of my friends (in a similar situation) that when she brings up her "self created issues" that I give her such a big dose of tough love that she doesn't really talk to me about, and that's OK with me. You may even find that with all of your honesty your friend may distance herself from you, but if you are good enough friends it will all work itself out. Good luck!!!!
I don't think I can say it any better than the pp's. I would definitely distance myself in what ever way you feel comfortable with.
It's a hard thing when friendship dynamics change like this. And I definitely don't think you are in the wrong. You're right to not want to have to deal with the drama she is creating for herself - you've got your own life (with real stresses rather than self-created drama) to deal with!
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