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Help me understand....
I?m not always on here and not sure if I belong on here any longer seeing that I?m not married but I haven?t found a good board to join. So here goes with my dilemma.
I?ve been single for almost a good year and have a new guy in my life. We?ve known each other for years and have decided to be more than friends. I?m enjoying each time we spend together but then get upset each time he brings up his ex-girlfriends when we have conversations. I?m glad that he has the comfort to share these things with me which is a huge bonus. Otherwise if I found out through other means I?d be pretty upset. Here?s the story??..There are two ex-girlfriends that seem to be still in his life. (never engaged, no kids and never lived with any of them) One who is a high school sweetheart that is still in love with him and wants to marry him but will never happen because of all of the issues they?ve had. The second one is more like a friend/ex-girlfriend. They went out a little over a year ago for 6 months, broke up twice cause she decided on that. They get together every so often with a group of friends for drinks and e-mail each other just about every day. Sooooo......This last ex invited him for next Friday to go check out circus solea for her best friend?s birthday party. From what I know, yes, she is aware of me but I guess that is not stopping her from inviting him to hang out. Do I trust him, yes, but I don?t know her enough to trust her with attempting to start something up with him again. I?m so mad at myself for almost not trusting him and not being more confident about us. Should I feel this way or is this the new thing on going out with your ex as friends? Can you be in a relationship with someone and still hang out with your ex? Call me old fashion but that does not seem right.
He doesn?t see this problem and says that I shouldn?t either because we trust each other. He knows that this bothers me so why does he still hang out with her? Help me understand.
Thanks,
Z
Re: Help me understand....
I've never been friends with an ex other than one guy I dated for a month in high school. So I don't have words of wisdom but I will say go with your gut.
Second, I think that you shouldn't have to trust her as long as you really trust him. He's the one in the relationship with you, and he needs to make sure you're 100% comfortable with his friendships. He might need to reassess his friendships with his exes if he knows it makes you uncomfortable.
I've never been that friendly with my exes to have more words of wisdom, but I hope my two cents are somewhat helpful. Let us know what happens!
I've never been friends with any of my exes because I really don't feel as though that is fair to me/them/or future girlfriends/boyfriends (or husbands/wives for that matter.) So I would have a huge problem with my bf/DH going out with an ex without me. I don't think that it's a trust issue with me but more of a "what is the right thing to do" issue with me. I know that I wouldn't want to go out with any of my exes - so I guess I wouldn't understand why they're still friends. Also, I'm a strong believer that there is no going back to "friends" after a more intimate relationship. I say go with your gut on this one - you know what the right answer is.
Also - feel free to post on here as much as you want. We are all kinds here - we welcome all kinds too! ;o)
Awwww, thank you. It feels nice to be welcomed. Yea, this is a tough one. I'm hoping that she will fade away once she's in a relationship of her own. Just not sure how long I can deal with this. At this point I have asked to be introduced to her. I think I need to see what she is all about.
Z
I think it also depends on the ex. I have an ex from high school who I'm still very close with. However, DH has met him a bunch of times, likes him a lot and I only speak or email with him every few months. We've been there for each other in ways beyond what our relationship was and DH knows this and knows we will probably have a friendship for a long time, if not forever. There is another ex I have that I'm on very different terms with because of the nature of the relationship. It's always been clear he didn't want to break up and he's even married know and still contacts me once in a while in a way that I don't think is completely innocent. DH knows everything about him and knows I don't talk to him and I let DH know every time this ex. contacts me.
In the beginning of my relationship with DH, we both still talked with our exes. When we started talking engagement, etc., we both agreed it wasn't appropriate (the one ex. relationship I have excluded). Are you invited out when he sees these women? If he's just hanging out with these women as friends, he should invite you along so you can meet them. I think that would be a smart move on his part if he really wants to make you feel comfortable. So short of him discontinuing his relationships with these women, I don't see why you can't meet them, just a suggestion. I totally get what you're saying though and I wouldn't be thrilled with the situations either. Good luck, hth a little.
Ok I only have a few minutes - but I sit on the opposite side of this fence. I ma close with a number of my exs. In fact I had one of them stand up for me as a Bride's Man. with that said - the main issue here is that YOU weren't invited...I think for it to work the "ex" now friend needs to be fully involved in both of the couples lives.
For instance, my ex, friend, BM - is also friends with my DH. they do things with out me even. In fact they see each other with a bunhc of folk every sunday night - (not my thing) I do however go tolunch with this said guy. Regularly infact. AND we are friends with his Fiance and the 4 of us go out all the time.
So I think if he wants to keep his ex's as friends he needs to bring you along. it may be odd at first but it usually works its self out. this is just my opinion....and i am VERY up front about htese things and Ken is always invited....
First of all, Cirque du Soleil is expensive and I'd be jealous that he'd be going to such a fabulous show without me, no matter who he was going with!
I think the fact that you are left out is a bit telling and that is the part I wouldn't trust. If you two have been getting serious, his friends should be meeting you and hanging out with you. Why is only he invited? Is she bringing him as her 'date'? Does he know the best friend? Does he keep in touch with her?
I would not be comfortable with this situation. If you were invited, it would be a different story. I don't think you are being old fashioned- I think you are going with your gut and it is telling you there is something up here!
OMG!!
I just checked cost on the tickets and they are soooo expensive. I wanted to get Jay-Z tickets with him and didn't get them cause they were expensive yet he's going to this with her. Oh!!! that just boils my blood!!! Granted I don't know if he is paying for his own ticket or if she picked up theirs. I really don't think that they are going as dates but I honestly don't think I can handle ex's in a relationship much longer.
As for your situation I can completely relate to what you are going through. Long before DH & I were married we were in a friendship that turned into more. It was hard once we were dating for DH to see why I didn't want him hanging out with ex girlfriends whom he was still friends with because when he and I had been "just friends" it was a non issue. Once we were a couple I did not think it was appropriate and luckily he finally understood my reasoning and stopped. I think it might be one thing if the ex is in a steady relationship of her own and we're hanging out as couples, but not the ex inviting the guy to hang out just the two of them. Especially since it sounds like your man's ex girlfriends still are hoping to get back together with him. I'm sure he is trustworthy, but I would still talk to him some more and try to explain how this makes you feel.