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It's going to be ok
Ladies - thank you so much for your support over the last few days. I truly appreciate every email, post and private message. I promise to respond to all of them! If you don't want to read this whole post, I'll start with...we're going to be ok.
I took someone's suggestion and wrote DH a letter. I presented the evidence I had and asked him very tough questions. Long story short, this woman is a friend he's known for years...even before I met him. He didn't think it was appropriate for him to have a female friend so he didn't give me the specifics on their friendship. Over the years, DH has confided in her. She is outside his normal, every day life and group of friends so she's able to offer a third party opinion. She is his sounding block like you are all mine. He knows he shouldn't have tried hiding the friendship. He was relieved I finally knew about her but embarrassed I had to find out the way I did. He was devastated that I was holding this in for weeks while it tore me apart assuming the worst.
Through this conversation we were able to really talk to each other about what has been bothering us. To give you a little background, DH shut down his business the same week we got married. I was so wrapped up in the wedding that I didn't realize how hard he was taking it. DH didn't confide in me because he didn't want to chance ruining my "cloud 9 happiness". He also didn't confide in his mostly materialistic friends who wouldn't understand. We are both very independent, strong type A people, so over the last few months, he's had a hard time trying to financially and emotionally depend on me. If the tables were turned, I'd probably feel the same way. Just because you have a piece of paper that declares you are married, how do you shut off that independence you've grown so hard to establish?
So where do we go from here? For starters, I'll meet this woman. We'll also start counseling. We'll likely go together and both individually. We'll work on our communication. Why couldn't he tell me about her? Why couldn't he confide what was bothering him? Marriage isn't just about the good times but supporting each other through the tough times. DH will also talk through moving on after life tries to set you back. I'll also work on giving up a bit of my independence. DH needs to know I depend on him as well. I'm very opinionated and strong willed which tends to overshadow his opinion. I really need to work on this so we have a balanced marriage.
I truly hope this makes our marriage stronger one day at a time.
Re: It's going to be ok
I am so glad to hear that things are looking up for you, and that the worst-case scenario that you feared is not the case. I think you are approaching this in the best possible way - kudos to you both for committing to work through this and recognising your weaknesses where you need word - that can be incredibly hard! Counseling is a great idea, and I am really pulling for you that things will be better!
Thanks for sharing the update and GL!!!
I didn't see the original post...so I'm glad you are giving us an update.
Sounds like w/ some work you will be ok...and I just want to tell you that I respect people so so much when they try and work things out rather than just throwing in the towel.
Marriage makes you change who you are- I don't care what anyone says, it's true and it takes a lot to accept those changes, but it's so worth it in the end.
You are a strong woman and it sounds like you are a very supportive and understanding wife. I think in the end, this is just going to make your marriage even stronger, that's what the tough times do.
Good Luck- and I'm glad to hear things are better and you guys have a plan to move forward.
Diana, I am so relieved that everything's going to be ok. I was thinking about you all weekend & praying for a "everything's going to be alright" post first thing Monday.
I guess I'm having a hard time understanding why this very close friend wasn't invited to your wedding, if she's as close as he says she is. You'd think he'd want her there to support him on the biggest day of his life...
Anyways, it's great that you're going to get to meet her & start counseling. It sounds like you're headed in the right direction. People always say the first year of marriage is the hardest so you should proud of yourself for recognizing that there are issues that need to be resolved sooner rather than later.
Please know that you're still in my thoughts. Keep us posted on the meeting of the friend.
Diana, I am so glad for you that your worst case scenario did not come through. It took a lot of guts for you to confront DH and I bet you are glad that you did. I am glad that he appears to be willing to work on fixing your relationship and making it stronger as well. I'm with you on how hard it is to give up independance. DH and I were both over 30 when we got married and this is something we are constantly working on as well.
It'll take some hard work but I respect both you so much for putting in the effort to try. Thanks for updating us, I was thinking of you over the weekend.
Good Morning!
I missed your original post, but am really happy you and your DH are doing what is best for your marriage. I personally don't think that confiding on the nest is the same as what happens in real life, but I'm sure you'll be able to work through all this in counseling. You should be proud of yourself for the way you're looking at the situation, and the ways you can help it improve as well, based on the things you said that you feel you need to work on. I wish you both the best of luck as you move forward!!
I think it's easy to feel ashamed and/or embarrassed by those feelings and it's awesome that you are going to talk it through with each other and with counselors.
Best of luck to you in this journey.
FWIW - my husband and I struggle with the independence thing too, and me being a little too opinionated "I can do it myself" type of person. This issue came up just last night so you're not alone there. I think it's tough to strike that balance sometimes of being in a relationship to meet everyone's needs.
Anyway, I really wish you all the very best for a long and happy marriage.
Stephanie
Great news, I'm so glad to hear it! It sounds like you guys are doing a great job communicating now and hopefully that will help undue some mistakes you've both made in the past.
I do agree with the pp though about his confiding in another woman vs. you and the nest. It's not the same. DH and I had this same problem. Confide in a male friend, a family member, but bringing another woman into the relationship is trouble. It took my DH a long time to see this, but it can be a slippery slope towards an emotional affair and possibly more. He should be confiding in you, and if he needs to vent about you it should be to someone more appropriate. And then on top of it all, he hid it from you. Exactly what happened with us. Luckily it seems like your DH has seen the light, but I think you can see how damage has been done, even if the worse case scenario wasn't true.
It will make your marriage stronger, I think you're on a good road toward that. We wouldn't be where we are today if we hadn't gone through what we did, but it was rough. Lots of luck to you both and I'm so glad you guys are on a better path now!
I'm glad you're going to work through everything. Good luck!
Diana, I am so happy to hear this. Like a bunch of pp's, I was thinking about you all weekend and came looking for a "good news" post as soon as I could today.
I think it's really great that you were able to talk through all of it, and it sounds like you're on the right track. You both seem to have gotten a lot off your chest. I think you're doing everything right, and counseling will help with all the miscommunication and independence issues. It will all make your marriage stronger in the long run, IMO.
One thing - don't be scared to tell him what is appropriate and what isn't. If you're uncomfortable with his relationship with this woman, he should honor you and your wishes, as his wife. As pp said, he should learn to confide in you - always you first. Maybe after having this talk and starting counseling, he won't need her as a confidant anymore. Maybe he will. But, if after you meet her, you're fine with him continuing such a close friendship, so be it. It's up to you, but just make sure you continue to communicate how you feel about it to him, and that he becomes completely open and honest about it all with you. Good luck through all of this - and good for you guys!
PS I do think it is a little different for you to confide in knotties and nesties (something DH knows about) and he confides in a woman who you knew NOTHING about.
6/14/10 BFP; 6/30/10 Dx ectopic
11/16/10 BFP #2; DD born 7/26/11