Connecticut Nesties
OctoberBrideNYC
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Ugh sticky situation - what should I do? LONG
There are 4 of us are planning my friend's baby shower (the one who's having twins). I offered my house to be the location and everyone seemed to want to do that. I figured, let's keep the cost reasonable (as opposed to having it at a restaurant) and many guests are coming from out of town (MA, PA, NJ in addition to NYC and CT) that it would give my friend a chance to see guests without being seated at a table the whole time. We all split up responsibilities - cupcakes/desserts, invitations, decorations, and mine was find quotes from a caterer.
I have a caterer that I have used twice and she's great. She brings a couple of people to help her and when the event is over, it looks like they were never there. There will be about 30 people at the shower (we're inviting 45 - but my friend thinks quite a few won't make the drive). I got a quote from the caterer for a big crudite tray and a big cheese, cracker and fresh fruit tray, and a lunch buffet - a chicken, a pasta, a vegetable, a salad, and rolls/butter. The quote I got (which INCLUDED tax and gratuity) seemed very reasonable to me and works out to $40 a head. For this area, for caterers. . .that is really reasonable. With tax and gratuity? totally reasonable for this area.
I sent this around to the other 3 girls. We all at one time lived in NYC. 3 of us have moved to the burbs, 1 of the girls still lives in the city. She is an attorney at a big law firm and is well aware of what things cost in NYC and the surrounding areas. I get 2 "sounds great! book it!" and from my friend in NYC, a long email which she sent to the rest of us. It basically says that it's way too expensive and we should just each make a tray of food ourselves (she doesn't cook btw) and let that suffice. The 4 of us are each moms. I have no inclination in this situation to cook for a crowd of 30 and have it thrown together with a few other dishes that don't match. I KNOW the other two girls feel just the same.
This friend has no problem buying $4-500 shoes for herself every week, but she's scoffing at the price? What she spends her money on is her perogative, but come on! Am I being unreasonable? And where do I go from here?
Btw - for those who remember the story - the attorney is the one who tried to steal the apt. out from under my friend (the person we're throwing the shower for).
I have a caterer that I have used twice and she's great. She brings a couple of people to help her and when the event is over, it looks like they were never there. There will be about 30 people at the shower (we're inviting 45 - but my friend thinks quite a few won't make the drive). I got a quote from the caterer for a big crudite tray and a big cheese, cracker and fresh fruit tray, and a lunch buffet - a chicken, a pasta, a vegetable, a salad, and rolls/butter. The quote I got (which INCLUDED tax and gratuity) seemed very reasonable to me and works out to $40 a head. For this area, for caterers. . .that is really reasonable. With tax and gratuity? totally reasonable for this area.
I sent this around to the other 3 girls. We all at one time lived in NYC. 3 of us have moved to the burbs, 1 of the girls still lives in the city. She is an attorney at a big law firm and is well aware of what things cost in NYC and the surrounding areas. I get 2 "sounds great! book it!" and from my friend in NYC, a long email which she sent to the rest of us. It basically says that it's way too expensive and we should just each make a tray of food ourselves (she doesn't cook btw) and let that suffice. The 4 of us are each moms. I have no inclination in this situation to cook for a crowd of 30 and have it thrown together with a few other dishes that don't match. I KNOW the other two girls feel just the same.
This friend has no problem buying $4-500 shoes for herself every week, but she's scoffing at the price? What she spends her money on is her perogative, but come on! Am I being unreasonable? And where do I go from here?
Btw - for those who remember the story - the attorney is the one who tried to steal the apt. out from under my friend (the person we're throwing the shower for).
Re: Ugh sticky situation - what should I do? LONG
Ugg that is sticky but I would probably do it and pay the difference. The lady sounds like a really great person to be around. what an ass!
Okay, well I had already made my decision, but that last paragraph confirmed it because I HATE what this person did to your other friend with the apt! I'd say if everyone else is in agreement, you should email her explaining that not only is the cost more than reasonable, but as mothers you guys do not have the time to cook for 30 people. You want this to be a nice shower for your friend, not something that seems thrown together and will be a huge burden on you all as planners.
Could the 3 of you afford it without her? Because that would be my next plan if she doesn't agree!
Sorry but that apt story really rubbed me the wrong way, lol.
I don't think I'd even address her long email except to say that the three of you voted and the majority rules.
I've been down this road so many times with showers.
We just can't change peoples' perception of money or spending habits, even in a group situation. Unfortunately, we can't force people to be generous, or even contribute equally.
I say the three of you should save yourself the headache and book the caterer and divy the cost between the three of you. This raises your pp food cost by $150. I would spend $150 to get myself out of a headache and uncomfortable situation.
Ask her to do invites, cake, decorations, and that's that.
Maybe she'll come around, maybe not. That way she's still contributing, but perhaps more on what she seems as reasonable and you guys still get the food.
Hmmm...maybe say that everyone else has ok'd it and it's more convenient for them based on their time and family situations? And then ask how much she'd be comfortable contributing to make this a nice, one-time event for your friend? That puts the ball in her court.
Does her mother want to contribute? That could help defray some of the cost for everyone - esp if you each have to contribute more based on the naysayer's feedback.
I would say exactly this -- it's perfectly reasonable, and at the same time, you are offering up your house so if the caterer is going to come in and clean everything up after, that makes it worth it right there. I would let her know that you and the 2 others are not going to take it upon yourselves to cook for 30 so catering is a must. If she can find more reasonable quotes for the same quality food then you will be willing to entertain those but otherwise, you're going with this caterer.
Wow - this girl is a real gem, huh? I'm willing to think that this girl may be a little jealous of the friend about to have twins.
Could the other three of you just split the cost? I mean it's an extra $100 for the three of you. Too me - the extra $100 would be worth it for me to make sure my friend had a great shower and it would also be worth it to me for the convenience and piece of mind knowing that the food and the service is top notch. I'd rather pay the extra $100 and not have to worry about making food/keeping it hot/and since it's your house - organizing it all and cleaning up.
Given the history - I'd totally put that friend on the spot and ask her what amount she'd be willing to handle. I'd say something like - "I understand you feel this is too much $$ - why don't you contribute what you feel is appropriate and the rest of us will make up the difference." But - I'm kinda a b!tch like that. Seriously though - if the four of you split it - you're talking $300 each. Does she think $100 or $200 is more reasonable? Sounds like an extra Benjamin or two isn't really all that big of a deal to this girl - unless it has to do with the friend having the twins.
You're a great friend for having it at your house and for going through the trouble of finding a great caterer. I'm sure your friend who is having the twins will appreciate it more than you know.
Thanks for all of your input! I would LOVE to just do it the 3 of us, but cutting her out of the equation is out of the question without WWIII happening. And I just don't have time for the drama. This is the beginnings of the email I'm drafting and sending to everyone:
"Well, I can see you're not loving this option. Cooking ourselves is out of the question. I just am not interested in doing it. If I get overruled by the group, fine, but I think at this point all of us busy moms don't need to be doing this when we have other options. I can always price out ordering trays of food from an italian place we have used in the past. My rough guess is that between the trays and platters we'd be looking at $600-$700 (total rough estimate). Plus I'd ask my housekeeper to work the party and she'd be $25 an hour (I have used her for this kind of thing in the past and she's great). Let me know what you think of these options. If not, L____, if you'd like to take over the catering responsibility, I'd be happy to switch with you!"
What do you think? And is the last line too much of a dig?
Duff - my friend who's having the twins lost her mom about 10 years ago. We were all very, very close to her and it's one more reason I want to make this shower really, really special for her.
Coming from your area and my mom having a resturant in that area that is very reasonable!! After just having Maya's birthday with 40 pp I would have rather (If I had the cash) paid for it. If you think about the cost it is to make all that food its better to outsource, plus you get to ACTUALLY talk to people. I was running around like crazy.
What do the other girls think?
I'd also add w/ getting the platters option the cost of buying/renting plates/napkins/utensils, and the cost of your time.
If I'm not too late here, I wouldnt send that email
I would basically just outright call her on this.
Simple and to the point, let her know that everone else is ok with it. "if $ is an issue, how much are you comfortable contributing".
Leave it at that. Get the$ from her, deduct it off the total, and then split the rest 3ways.