Columbus Nesties
Dear Community,
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
XP: Opinion: Babies
I posted this on the Chicago board as well (my other fav. nestie board) but thought i would post it here also since it seems like I know more Ohioans with kids than Chicagoans with kids...
The continual analysis of my life includes the controversy of whether or not to have kids now (at age 25) and pick up with my career/and or grad school later or whether to have kids later (early 30's as much of society is now doing) and do the career now...
Obviously neither of these options are black or white... I could have babies now and continue my career part time... although I always wonder if I am ready. I have lots of opinions hitting me from all different angles: have them now, no... have them later... and it's so hard to know.
So I know a decision like this can only be made my DH and I but I am curious... why have to decided to wait? Or why have to decided to TTC? Do you think you would have done things differently if given the opportunity?
I would love to hear all your opinions on this issue... thanks!
The continual analysis of my life includes the controversy of whether or not to have kids now (at age 25) and pick up with my career/and or grad school later or whether to have kids later (early 30's as much of society is now doing) and do the career now...
Obviously neither of these options are black or white... I could have babies now and continue my career part time... although I always wonder if I am ready. I have lots of opinions hitting me from all different angles: have them now, no... have them later... and it's so hard to know.
So I know a decision like this can only be made my DH and I but I am curious... why have to decided to wait? Or why have to decided to TTC? Do you think you would have done things differently if given the opportunity?
I would love to hear all your opinions on this issue... thanks!
Re: XP: Opinion: Babies
I may not be able to give great answers for you, as I don't really see myself in that situation with my career. I'll continue to work (unfortunately) while having children, so there isn't really an either/or option for me.
As for your situation, how many children do you plan on having? And how old do you image the youngest will need to be for you to work on your career/grad school? I just know a lot of people who plan on continuing schooling after they have kids and never do because then their lives are wrapped up in their kids and the family life. Just think--if you start TTC at age 25, have first baby at 26, wait 2-3 years to have #2, are 28 when #2 comes along, you're already 31 before #2 is in preschool (age 3).
As for our TTC timeline, we wanted to spend a couple of years getting settled into our lives without kids and are right now preparing to TTC within the next month or so. We've been married for almost 2 years and feel it's the right time to add children to our lives. However, we have no reason like schooling or careers to put it on hold--just our own gut feelings.
For you it seems like the key question would be - how important is your career to you?
We don't have kids yet. We're 28 & 29.
For me - I haven't found a career or job that I love or feel strongly about so I have no problems taking a brief hiatus when the time does come. However, my DH's career is driving our timeline for the most part. He's entering a new career which will move us to a new part of the country this year so we're going to wait until we move, get settled and I find myself a job in that new location.
I am glad that we both already have grad school done and out of the way. I can't imagine having the time, energy or money to do that with kids. Although plenty of people make it happen. I really loved grad school and was glad I went full-time and got the whole experience of being a student again.
Also, travel is very important to both of us and we want to take a few more big trips before having kids. Also, we both feel strongly about needing to spend several years focusing on each other before throwing another element into the marriage. So for now I have don't have any regrets for putting TTC on hold. We've done a lot of things over the last few years that we couldn't have done with kids in the picture. So we're both enjoying being the aunt and uncle in the picture until we get a little more settled.
I would talk to the first because they may have more industry-specific advice. For example, in my industry, taking a hiatus (longer than normal maternity leave) is professional suicide until you are much, much more senior. Although, that is certainly not true of most. No clue about yours.
Second, I would talk to a financial planner to get an idea of what it would take financially to have children and go to grad school (and possibly at the same time). For a lot of people, myself included, career and kid issues largely depend upon when you can *afford* to have them. I use the word afford loosely -- but you know what I mean.
If I were in your shoes I would finish school first, then talk kids. Because like pp said, everyone I know that planned on going to school or back to school never went after they had their baby. I would also get my career/job started, so that you had something you could go back to after the baby was here if you wanted.
My career will not be on hold and I am not giving it up, today is actually my first day back to work after maternity leave.
For DH and I, we would've liked to have been married a little longer before we started trying to have kids. Birth control didn't work for us, so we had a baby a little earlier than we had planned, but honestly, I don't think it changed things too much for us. I already have my master's degree and a good job, and DH is older than I am and has been in his career for a while now (we're 27 & 34). I'm working now (Dominic is 5 months old), but don't know if I'll continue to work after June or choose to stay home with him.
Even if we hadn't gotten pregnant so quickly, I don't think we're the type of couple to pick a time to TTC. We're more of the "go with the flow" type, so I doubt we would've planned when we'd try to conceive.
All of that being said, now I wish we had started ttc a little earlier than we did. We were both 31 when we started trying but we had a m/c and it took awhile to get pg. I'm pg now and due in Aug but I will be 33 in Sept. Now if I want to have more than one I'm probably looking at having them one after another instead of allowing 2-3 years in between.
As you said, only you and your DH can decide what's best for you, but if grad school is something you feel strongly about and you aren't 100% sure you are ready for kids yet, I'd go to grad school first. You still have plenty of time to have kids later, but if you have them now, going to grad school later becomes entirely more difficult. Best of luck to you!
All I can tell you is what was best for me.
When I was in my 20's, I was working in radio and very focused on my career. Radio people are not known for their longevity in any one market, so you have to be prepared to move sometimes in order to remain employed, so that is what my plan was.
When I met DH, I knew that he was the man I would marry, but there was a catch: his then 5 y/o daughter, who also lives in Columbus. DH was very supportive of my career choices, but he was absolutely not willing to move away from his DD. I did a lot of analysis on where I wanted my career to go and realized that I did not want to be on-air so much as I wanted to be on the marketing side of things, which is what I am doing now in my mid 30's.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that it's crucial to know yourself and to know what you want in life and where you want to be. I was an absolute idiot in my mid 20's and would have made a terrible wife or mom, which is why I waited until my 30's to do both. Not everyone is that way, but I knew myself well enough to know that I was not yet ready for marriage or babies because I had things to do in my life and did not want to miss out on them and then blame a DH or a child for missing out.
The good thing about going to school part time or full time is that you can usually choose a graduate program that is flexible, possibly allowing you more time with a baby than a traditional job. The bad news is that you don't have as much money. And the student loans hang over your head FOREVER.
I went to grad school before TTC, but my husband will be mid-grad school when our baby is born. Neither of us plans to quit our jobs after the baby is born, (impossible financially) so I don't see the baby putting a huge damper on our careers. DH actually looks forward to 2:00 am feedings while he's up working on his thesis. My father got his MBA while I was a baby, so I know it can be done. In my opinion, it would be more difficult to raise an elementary school student and do a graduate program at the same time. The child is old enough to really need your full attention after school at that age. I babysit a five year old - FORGET about reading anything when he's in the house!
My mother did a graduate degree program by distance learning when my sister was in eighth grade and I was in high school. That worked out fine, too. We were busy with our own interests by then, so when she had to do school work from 6-10 pm every night, it didn't really bother us. And my dad picked up the slack when she wasn't available to drive us places.
I'm 27 now (DH is 29) and I like where we are at right now. Not too old for a big family if we decide along the way that we want 6 kids or something. Old enough that we have a decent foundation for our careers and enough stability in our jobs for stuff like insurance and maternity leave.
Good luck with your decision!
Please visit my blog The Party Hostess
My read shelf:
The reason I wanted to have kids earlier than later was two fold:
1) I entered grad school only a year after undergrad, so I've already completed my master's degree, and I told DH if I get the crazy idea to go for more school to just commit me
2) Health reasons, I am high risk for breast and ovarian cancer (my mom had both and died from ovarian). And all the research I've read states that women who have their first child after 30 have an increased chance of ovarian cancer. So I've told DH, I will have both my children before I'm 30, and then I'll have my OB "accidentally" take out my ovaries during a c-section. Sometimes I think he thinks I'm kidding, but I'm really not. I don't want to go through what I watched my mother go through.
So long story short, having a family was more important than my career.