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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
F/U to previous post....
Thank you all for you kind words and advice. I talked to him and once again im the one that is making a huge deal out of nothing. I truly dont know where he gets his sense of reality. I know that nobody can tell me when enough is enough, but I feel like it would be easier if he was cheating/abusive rather than this day to day stuff.
The whole situation makes me sick bc of D. When I see parents trading their children for the weekend it brings tears to my eyes, I never want my son to have to go through that. I swore to myself that I would never do that to my kids. On the other hand, I dont want him growing up thinking that the things his dad are doing are ok. I love that little boy so much it makes my heart melt and I just want to do what best for him now and not look back later and wish I had done something differently.
Jannypie~ I definitely need to start doing that, I have started it on numerous occasions but never stuck with it enough for him to really see the realm of the situation. Its almost everynight and he stills continues to deny it.
Danica~I understand the being angry. I feel like he has hurt me so many times with the lies that I wonder if I can ever forgive him.
Tbonegrl ~I really wish that he would consider Alanon but he wont even acknowledge that there is a problem. And no, the counselor didnt know he was lying and I didnt say anything bc Im tired of arguing.
I tried counseling for me, but I just felt so overwhelmed that it didnt seem like it was helping. I know that its going to take time, I just didnt feel like I could handle it at the time. (I was pp and just returned back to work on top of everything else.)
I know that my lack of relationship with my father has a lot to do with it. I want so bad for D to have a dad that expresses to him everyday how much he loves him, but I just cant get that through to H. .
K&D~ How did you finally know that you couldnt waste another day? Somedays I feel that way, then others I feel like I still have one more day in me.
Melissa~ He got a dui 11/2 ago and did 10 days in jail for it. I truly thought that would be his wake up call, but it hasnt changed. I have tried to talk to his parents about it, but they just blow if off as its not their problem. (The whole family drinks heavily.)
I cant thank you guys enough for listening and caring, I feels so much better even to be able to "talk" to someone.
The whole situation makes me sick bc of D. When I see parents trading their children for the weekend it brings tears to my eyes, I never want my son to have to go through that. I swore to myself that I would never do that to my kids. On the other hand, I dont want him growing up thinking that the things his dad are doing are ok. I love that little boy so much it makes my heart melt and I just want to do what best for him now and not look back later and wish I had done something differently.
Jannypie~ I definitely need to start doing that, I have started it on numerous occasions but never stuck with it enough for him to really see the realm of the situation. Its almost everynight and he stills continues to deny it.
Danica~I understand the being angry. I feel like he has hurt me so many times with the lies that I wonder if I can ever forgive him.
Tbonegrl ~I really wish that he would consider Alanon but he wont even acknowledge that there is a problem. And no, the counselor didnt know he was lying and I didnt say anything bc Im tired of arguing.
I tried counseling for me, but I just felt so overwhelmed that it didnt seem like it was helping. I know that its going to take time, I just didnt feel like I could handle it at the time. (I was pp and just returned back to work on top of everything else.)
I know that my lack of relationship with my father has a lot to do with it. I want so bad for D to have a dad that expresses to him everyday how much he loves him, but I just cant get that through to H. .
K&D~ How did you finally know that you couldnt waste another day? Somedays I feel that way, then others I feel like I still have one more day in me.
Melissa~ He got a dui 11/2 ago and did 10 days in jail for it. I truly thought that would be his wake up call, but it hasnt changed. I have tried to talk to his parents about it, but they just blow if off as its not their problem. (The whole family drinks heavily.)
I cant thank you guys enough for listening and caring, I feels so much better even to be able to "talk" to someone.
Re: F/U to previous post....
I too have no relationship with my dad and know where you're coming from on that. Hoever, it sounds like you DH may never be that kind of dad you and I wish we had. It sounds like right now he's either not in a place to do that, or maybe he's just not that person to begin with. I know that sounds harsh, but it may be reality.
Could you possibly meet once alone with your counselor and bounce some of these things off him/her? I think the only way counseling will work for you guys is if the counselor can see the whole picture.
It sounds like talking to DH right now won't do much good, as he sounds like he's either totally in denial, too big of an alcoholic to know what's up, or possibly too selfish to care.
((HUGS))
Just know that your DS seeing your DH out drinking and driving and putting himself and others lives in danger, treating you like this, and being completely withdrawn makes him an absent father. Just because he is physically there doesn't mean he's PRESENT, KWIM?
i absolutely hate being made to feel as if confronting a problem is just "me making a big deal" out of it. definitely stick with the record. also just focus on "big picture" things. maybe, drank until unconcious, missed work due to drinking, or, verbally abusive. he may try and downplay daily drinking, but there are some things that just simply aren't acceptable, no matter who you are. once those significant behaviors are down on paper, i think it will help you, Alanon, therapist, his doctor, whatever, help. have you considered getting your friends/family/doctor/therapist together for an intervention? just as worrisome about what he's doing to your marriage is what he's doing to himself.
I know exactly what you mean, its just so hard for me to understand. I definitely think that its just that hes too selfish to care. He denies and denies, then wil eventually break down, tell me he really wants to make things right, then nothing. H can go days without spending "real" time with D. Im constantly saying daddy what time or watch that. When its over and over I feel like theres only so much I can do.
I didn't post earlier, but I thought I'd add a tidbit: my SIL has never had a great relationship with her father, and had the same problems with her DH that you are having -- drinking, lying, DUI, etc. But she had 3 kids with him all under the age of 4. She decided that she could no longer take the stress of trying to encourage him to 'grow up,' so she divorced him. It was definitely the right move on her part. Her children have never felt unloved by either parent. They still see their dad every other weekend, and talk to him whenever they feel like it....and what's better -- their stepfather (my SIL new husband) is such a positive, loving father to them that they have the best of both worlds.....a relationship with their father, and a great parental role model in their stepfather.
It's not an ideal situation to have divorced parents.....but it's not fair for you to have to shoulder the burden for the both of you.
Do you have a calendar in your kitchen? Maybe hanging on a pantry door or something? Put one there, with a sharpie attached to it. Each night, write where he went and the time he came home. He probably won't notice until a week or so goes by (because he is a guy), then when he notices and asks what it is on there, you can tell him those were all the nights he went out.
Or if he is paying for the bars using a credit card, highlight the statement with all of the charges.
Writing in a journal is easily forgotten or put aside due to sleepiness. And a guy can look at a month on a calendar with lttle effort and SEE his actions.
I hope everything works out for the best, whatever that might be!
Consider this: Is it better for your child to grow up with a dad who's an uninvoled alcoholic and a miserable mom or a happy mom and a dad who may choose not to be involved? IMO it's better to have no father than one whose goal in life is to abuse himself and others. Think about it, your H is your child's role model - do you really want your child to grow up and mimic him?
Obviously you want your child to have a loving father but that's not who your H is and you can't just expect him to turn into Bill Cosby all of a sudden. If you want things to improve you have to be the one to make the choice to change. It's pretty obvious your H has no incentive or desire to change and denial is classic addict behavior. I'm sorry you're in such a bad situation.
Your husband is immature and selfish and no amount of begging or hoping from you is going to get him to be there physically & emotionally for your son. And you really want that as a role model for your son? I would want my baby as far away from that as possible.
Do yourselves a favor and get you and your baby away from that environment.
Good luck!
Please please please, whatever you do, do what is best for you and your son.