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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
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Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
In desperate need for advice....(long)
I dont post here often, but I lurk A LOT and I know you girls can give wonderful advice. I dont really want to give my whole life story, but I dont know who else to turn to. I dont have any friends that are married and my parents were never marreid so I dont have a real good idea of what marriage is "supposed" to be like.
Needless to say I dont think that its supposed to be like this. My H is out almost everynight until 12 or later. He drinks all the time, and sees no problem with it at all. Last night he came home at 2:30 drunk as could be. He thinks its ok to drive bc "hes not that far from home." Its not far, but its still not ok. He woke ds and I both up and I wasnt able to go back to sleep so I have been up since. Not to mention ds has been sick so I havent gotten any sleep lately.
We have been to counseling and he just lies to the counselor and makes me out to be the bad person. He lies to me constantly, well he doesnt call it lying, he just says one thing and does completely another.
We fought about this all the time before getting married. I tried several times to kick him out, but always took him back. He always promised things would change, and I wanted them to so bad that I would believe him over and over. I thought he would grow up when we got married, he didnt, now we have a son and he has no intentions of growing up. Its not just drinking, hes extremely irresponsible and selfish. He has an excuse for everything, and I am just not that type of person. I have always been very responsible, I like to address the problem and resolve it. I know that things arent going to be perfect, but how much are you supposed to take in a marriage? It might sound like a dumb question, but I truly dont know. More than anything in this world I want this to work, I want my son to know his father unlike I did. I also want to do whats in his best interest, I just dont know what that is. There so much more but I dont want to bore you to tears. Has anyone been through something similar? Did it end in divorce? Any advice is extremely appreciated...
Needless to say I dont think that its supposed to be like this. My H is out almost everynight until 12 or later. He drinks all the time, and sees no problem with it at all. Last night he came home at 2:30 drunk as could be. He thinks its ok to drive bc "hes not that far from home." Its not far, but its still not ok. He woke ds and I both up and I wasnt able to go back to sleep so I have been up since. Not to mention ds has been sick so I havent gotten any sleep lately.
We have been to counseling and he just lies to the counselor and makes me out to be the bad person. He lies to me constantly, well he doesnt call it lying, he just says one thing and does completely another.
We fought about this all the time before getting married. I tried several times to kick him out, but always took him back. He always promised things would change, and I wanted them to so bad that I would believe him over and over. I thought he would grow up when we got married, he didnt, now we have a son and he has no intentions of growing up. Its not just drinking, hes extremely irresponsible and selfish. He has an excuse for everything, and I am just not that type of person. I have always been very responsible, I like to address the problem and resolve it. I know that things arent going to be perfect, but how much are you supposed to take in a marriage? It might sound like a dumb question, but I truly dont know. More than anything in this world I want this to work, I want my son to know his father unlike I did. I also want to do whats in his best interest, I just dont know what that is. There so much more but I dont want to bore you to tears. Has anyone been through something similar? Did it end in divorce? Any advice is extremely appreciated...
Re: In desperate need for advice....(long)
In addition he didnt go to work today which is unacceptable in my book. Im the one with no sleep and hes hungover in bed....
When she was drinking, everything was a mess. She was unreliable, detached, angry, "tired" (hundover) all the time, easy to fight with, lied about what they were doing and/or why, etc. Once it got as bad as it could get, she finally acknowledged the problem and got help. It was a long process...2 or 3 years of ups and downs. Now that it is over, we (our family) are closer and better able to communicate.
So, long story short, try to work with him to get him some help. Remember though, if he is not ready to stop drinking, he likely wont. In the end, you have to do what is best for you and your son. It may help too to attend some ALANON meetings. Finally, if there is anything else you need, page me here or email me. (emilyandbrady@gmail.com)
*hugs*
one thing i can suggest--- keeping a diary of his activities. that will be something concrete that you can take to a therapist and say "yes, look, he drinks to excess X times a week. drives drunk X times a week. lied about X." then even when he tries to deny it, you will have it documented. hopefully, that will draw some awareness to the reality of the situation.
i truly hope for you and DS that you guys can move forward sweetie! and you can always come to the nesties for support!
I have a few suggestions:
-Alanon. It sounds to me like it could be a drinking problem.
-Counseling for just you. Maybe you need to get some strategies to deal with him and/or make yourself stronger. Maybe explore why you'd marry someone who treated you so badly...
Why did you marry him if he was like this before you were married? I hate to ask this, but this statement: I thought he would grow up when we got married, he didnt, now we have a son and he has no intentions of growing up. Its not just drinking, hes extremely irresponsible and selfish. says it all. If he's always been like this, it's not as likely he will change. What does the conselor say when you go to meet and your DH lies to him/her? Does the counselor see he is lying?
((HUGS)) I am so sorry. I can't imagine how hard it would be to go through all this, let alone with a 4 month old. We're all here for you.
Your story is exactly my old story, but please don't feel like it has to end the same. My ex is an alcoholic who failed to admit it until we divorced. I refused to have kids (we both wanted them) until we resolved our issues. Alcoholism brings with it all of the other horrible attributes that you are upset about. most especially, LYING! They will always turn things just right so you feel guilty for making things seem so unbearable. selfish, irresponsible, calling off work, I've been through the same. It's all because of alcoholism. I finally came to a point where I didn't want to waste another day of my future happiness on someone who didn't want to face the truth in order to save a wonderful relationship.
In your case with a child involved, I would say that a child in the middle of a bad marriage ends up worse off than a child from a broken home who has two loving, positive parents.
People suggested ALANON to me too, but I never went and probably should have. I was just SO resentful that I was the only party in the marriage working overtime to make it work, so I didn't ever go.
email me if you want to talk more: kellyj_osuathotmaildotcom
That statement alone signals a red flag to me. I think we (women) always want to believe we can change a man, but honestly he has to want to change himself for it to work. I really would suggest individual counseling for yourself as some of the other women have suggested.
He thinks its ok to drive bc "hes not that far from home."
I believe I read a statistic once that most drunk driving accidents take place less than 2 miles from that person's home (I think I have that correct, or close to correct). My BIL was less than 2 miles from his apartment when he was pulled over and received a DUI last year. To me, it sounds like a major problem is his drinking. Do others in his family, not just you, notice a problem with his drinking? Any friends? If they do, and are as concerned as you, would it be possible to stage a mini-intervention? Maybe if he hears from other people, it will make a lightbulb go off in his head.
Please take care of yourself and your son. He is completely innocent, and I would hate for him to lose his father through a drunk driving accident or prison because he kills another person while driving drunk.
I'm sorry for your troubles...there is nothing worse than going through a relationship issue that you can't control and have someone who is not willing to work with you.
I know "old school" thought is always to work on your marriage and try really hard to work things out, especially when you have children. In most cases I agree, however, in your case, I adamately do not!
How can you work things out with someone who obviously doesn't care? Either about you, your son or his life? (Let alone anyone else's life when he's driving intoxicated at night).
It seems like you have strugged with this for awhile and tried many different things. I had a jerk ex-boyfriend who was an alcoholic (amoung other things) and went to Alanon to try and "work things out". Was that an eye opener! I saw these ladies there who were miserable, dealing with their husbands after years and years of abuse, alcoholism etc. It was horrible. I know it is a good support system for many people trying to cope, but to me, if you are going to Alanon and he's not even trying to change/recognize his behavior, what is the point? I knew after that, I didn't want to live these ladies lives.
There is also the point of your young son...right now he doesn't understand - what is it going to be like in 5 years when he does understand? Would it be better to get a divorce now and bring your son up in a stable environment or unstable one that you have now? Some tough questions, but some things you have to look at. I know divorce isn't the answer for everyone, but it seems like from your description you are going to be unhappy for a long time if you stay.
Good luck and be strong for you and your son!
Y'all know what I'd really like to say and that I'd be entirely too blunt about it....
So I'll just edit myself and say the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior. You knew who he was when you married him, do not be surprised at who he is now.
Your responsibility is to your son. Period. Stop focusing on how to fix Boy Wonder and get your child out of that unhealthy situation. He is the one paying the price here, more than either of you two adults.
It's my opinion that if you have to ask "how much are you supposed to take in a marriage?", then you've already taken too much. Marriage is a 24/7 give and take, and something you both have to wake up every single day and work on. It doesn't appear your husband has ever worked on it, and you cannot do it alone.
Good luck, honey.
First off, I'm so sorry you are going through this.
There is a lot of great advice in this post, just wanted to add a little.
It definitely sounds like he is an alcoholic. The thing that gets me is that he is still like this after having a son. Having a child has changed DH's and my priorities so much. It's not about ourselves anymore, it's about our son. I'm sure you feel this way too. But it sounds like your DH still doesn't get it. He still would rather drink than be a good father. He is still selfish and doesn't want to change. If he doesn't want to change after one of the biggest "life-changing events" (having a child), what is going to make him ever want to change? You need to do what's best for you and DS. My thoughts will be with you and your son. (HUGS)
I agree with what everyone else has said.
Furthermore, I ditto what Julie has said. You are a mom now and if you aren't going to protect yourself from your husband, you at least need to protect your son. Let your son be your strength now.