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Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Can anyone relate?
So it has never been my intent to post this because I feel like I'm airing dirty laundry so to speak, but am hoping that other's perspectives can help me (and to see if anyone has been in a similar situation). Husband and I have been married for 7 months, but for the last 3 months it seems like he has been up my as* for everything that I'm doing or doing wrong. At first I thought it was because he and I are incredibly stressed out, (he works in IT parttime and is finishing up an engineering degree, I work fulltime and going to school fulltime for my MBA). I posted a little while back that he is quitting smoking so that really intensified his behavior. Last night, I asked him why he is so angry with me all the time and he said that I'm constantly annoying him but he doesn't have time to catalog all of my annoyances so he can't say what is wrong. Sometimes I feel like he doesn't like me, let along love me. Are we just both stressed and taking it out on each other? Are these symptoms of bigger problems?
Re: Can anyone relate?
Sounds like a little bit of both. But if it makes you feel better, I think the stress is most likely the culprit. We go through those spells too - I think everyone does eventually.
Don't MAKE me come over there! Wanna hit O'Charley's tomorrow with me? That might make you feel better! E-mail me. Sorry it's not going so great right now.
And was this what BROKE my relationship? Not at all. So don't take the fact that my XH was like this as a statement that you are doomed. I just don't think you can handle this issue alone.
My DH is also acts like a jerk when he's stressed out (or hungry!), even though he'll apologize later. It's not a problem most of the time, but when he throws a tantrum (is he 6 years old?) it's definitely not cool with me and lately I've taken to calling him out on it. "Stop acting like a baby, don't take your stress out on me, I'm going to finish dinner - you go take a walk until you settle down!" Haha - it's good training for motherhood. Ridiculous.
Are you religious at all? I know my church offers a marriage group to help get things back on the right track. Maybe your church has the same kind of thing?
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ditto kristylynn.
Counseling sounds like a great fit for you together because it will make stress that you take out on one another not feel so personal. When communication is great, marriage is a lot easier. When it's bad, marriage sucks.
if he really feels that you're constantly annoying him, it may be a reflection of how he is unhappy with himself and projecting it onto you. it might be a good idea to approach the idea of therapy, maybe just from the angle of learning ways to manage your stress. hopefully you guys work it out honey.
I'm sure it is a lot harder fo him now since he doesn't have the cigarettes to serve as a stress release anymore. Is there anytime that you can set aside to just hang out and relax together or go for a walk? It would probably help to have some fun together. (That's a lot to deal with so early in a marriage.)
I don't think your marriage is doomed, but I do thing that if it keeps going the way it's headed, it will result in a lot bigger problems. It's easy to take stuff out on your partner, cause they are right there. Doesn't make it okay. That was a mean comment he said! He probably feels so overwhelmed right now that he doesn't know where to begin to fix it, but it doesn't make it your fault. Talk about it when you aren't feeling so hurt. (I have the problem where I am too good at firing one-liners back, thus fueling the argument ever more.) Then I would have rattled off a list of what I thought was wrong with him. (See not helpful.) Have to take some breathes, walk away, try not to come back with more mean things to say and talk about it when I'm calmer. For us it helps to hug each other. It's annoying for the mad person, but helps me calm down and laugh. It seems silly to be mad while Josh hugs me.
Sorry for the rambling post~ just want you to feel better.
I have to agree with everyone else, I think it's the stress starting to wear on you. I know when DH and I are stressed, we take it out on each other, almost as though we know the other isn't leaving, so why not use them to vent? It's something we're constantly dealing with, and how to not add stress to the situation.
Is there something that DH and you can do that's quiet and away from the house? I know for example, going out to eat (even if it's under $20 - like 1/2 price appetizers at Applebees) always helps us to get back to a level playing field. It doesn't have to be that , but we basically sit in front of each other with absolutely no distractions and just talk.
I hope you guys are able to find some way to talk about it calmly and not blaming, since it does sound like it's equal stress/ cause. big ((((hugs))))
I try to talk about it but he won't and he becomes angrier. So the only thing that I have been doing is giving him space, but that doesn't seem to work.
DH and I have definitely had chunks of time where we seem to be at each other's throats...itt was almost always stress related.
Why does he get angry when you bring it up?
Have you told him you're not happy with how things have been with your marriage lately? Does he feel like he's being blamed (not saying you're actually blaming him).
Do you two have any time set aside as a couple? A date night? DH and I work a lot and barely see eachother each night (at most, like an hour....and that's us just recovering from the day). But, we promised eachother that we would always have Friday as our 'date' night. It could be watching a movie and eating popcorn at home, or playing cards. Or ice cream in the Short North. Nothing major...just a couple of hours, together.
What about planning a weekend trip just to get away?
When my DH is stressed out I've learned (and trust me, it's taken years) that *now* is not the right time to discuss things with him, so maybe this is what your DH is dealing with. In my situation, he's already stressed to the max, the idea of dealing with me and relationship issues really just puts him over the edge and he shuts down, which doesn't do anyone any good, so I've learned to give him his space. However, since it seems that's what you're doing, perhaps instead of dealing with relationship issues right now, you both need to focus on handling stress better. Once the stress is handled better then you can start addressing relationship issues, if they even still exist. It's possible this is all stress related and once the stress is relieved things will be back to normal.
I'm not saying you should shove everything under the rug but I am saying that piling more stress on top of the existing stress isn't going to help either. You both need to find a way to relax before you can help your relationship. He especially needs to learn that it's not OK to say whatever he feels like saying to you at these times, but things like this can take time to learn. A quick "that really hurt my feelings but I understand you're under a lot of stress right now so I'll let it slide, but it better not happen again" might be all it takes to give him a little perspective.
The biggest thing I've learned in our 10 years together is that putting yourself in the other pesron's shoes and having empathy is the best thing you can do for a marriage, but BOTH people have to do it, otherwise one of you ends up being a doormat.