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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
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Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Father issue...advice needed (long)
Ok, here's the situation (my parents went away on a weeks vacation)...must focus.
my parents have been divorced for nearly 20 years. my father always comes to birthdays, christmas, easter, etc at my mom's house, which is kind of odd but it has worked for us. My mom put up with it to make it easier on us kids having to juggle getting together and travel extra on the holidays, etc. And mom and dad get along, at least outwardly.
Well, last year my dad's cousin was sick so my dad started visiting a lot to help care for him and then the cousin died (in April maybe, i can't remember).
Well, next thing I hear is that the cousins wife is living with my dad b/c she didn't have anywhere to go and didn't have any money. she is from the philipines and they met online or she was mail order....who knows. So, dad is 'helping her get on her feet and get settled'. Anywhere that dad goes this woman (we shall call her Bev, hope that doesn't offend anyone:) ) goes.
Well, they visited on labor day and i 'caught' dad blowing her a kiss...which was odd but i was in denial so i just pretended it didn't happen. If you ask them anything dad mumbles some answer but doesn't really answer the question you asked and quickly changes the subject. Bev is difficult to understand b/c of her accent, she talks quietly and if you ask her to repeat something she just giggles (which drives me insane) so i don't really talk to her much b/c it is just too much effort.
So, we see them again at my sister's farm...more of the same evasive weirdness. Well, then my mom calls and says "have you heard that your father is getting married?" I hadn't. Apparently he called 1 sister (there are 3 of us) and told her and then my mom called her and sister thought that mom knew so she casually brought it up and mom didn't know...so that is how sister2 and I found out.
3 weeks later, my dad finally called to tell me the news himself. Since then, we have had birthday get-togethers for dad, sister2, myself, my daughter and thanksgiving (this is all since November 1). I typically only see him about 1 time every couple of months, then it is overload in November and December!!! Well, now Bev is there too! It is insanely awkward since it my mom, my dad and my dad's fiance.
He doesn't seem to think there is anything odd about continuing with the normal traditions. I think it is painful and i know that my mom and sister2 agree (sister1 lives farther away and has not been to any of the birthday gatherings or thanksgiving, so her first experience will be at Christmas). So, my first question is...who and how should we say that they aren't welcome at the holiday gatherings? Are we being unreasonable to think that he should not be bringing his new wife to his ex-wife's house?
Anyways, regarding the wedding, all he has said to me is that they are engaged...no date (which is supposedly Jan 12). He mentioned that Bev wanted a big wedding party but he didn't specifically ask me to be involved. Sometime earlier this month he asked Sister1 to make the invitations and she said that she wasn't good at doing them and that he should ask me...i've talked to him 2 times since then but he hasn't mentioned it (whew). Last night he called sister2 and asked her to be a bridesmaid...she has yet to give an answer but she doesn't want to (and neither does sister1 or me, but he hasn't asked me...yet). my nephew is a ring bearer.
I don't even want to go to the wedding but since I avoid confrontation i will go. But being in the wedding party conveys a message that you support said marriage, and i don't really.
Anyways...i personally think sister1 is just burying her head and saying everything is fine and she's cool with it, but i can tell when i talk to her that she doesn't really believe what she is saying. She makes a valid point that he is aging and it does take some responsibility from us in terms of caring for him. Sister2 is incredibly upset and doesn't know what to do.
My biggest thing is really the way he has handled the situation...being secretive, and telling one sister weeks before telling the others and acting like it is all no big deal (Bev is 35, from the philipines, was married to his cousin who died less than a year ago, has a child in the philipines)...it is all quite sudden. He brings her to my mom's and shows no plans to stop. It would be different if he was marrying someone his own age (he is 64) and they had dated and we had a chance to get to know her first and they weren't secretive and he told us all at the same time (or at least called us on the same day). I questioned him about 'helping her get on her feet' and he claims that is how it started but it grew into more than that (gag). It is also very suspicious that he helped take care of george. We were all surprised when he was going there every weekend and sometimes during the week and now we all wonder if it was b/c there was something going on. Which just makes me think even less of the situation.
I am not particularly close to him. He is bad about making comments about my mom or sisters so who knows what he says about me to them. I just try to maintain a semi-decent relationship since he IS my father and I try to make the best of it. In recent years he has changed (for the better) so I had been trying to work on things (all unspoken) and then all this comes and I feel like we are back to square one...if not worse...yet he seems to be clueless as to how we all feel. If he really knew me, he would know based on things that i have said. That probably makes me somewhat passive agressive, but i like to think i'm just a wussy non-confrontational person that is afraid of the drama that comes from speaking my mind. That or afraid of being rejected again by my own father...i'm sure there would be some nice issues there for a therapist to deal with!
Oh and to make christmas even more pleasant (sarcasm), my in-laws arrive today and will be attending part of the festivities on christmas day at my mom's house. They know he is getting married but they do not know any of these details as far as I know (dh told them when he was visiting them so i wasn't there).
Ok, i think i hit all the major points...so, what would you do? I hate confrontation...i just want it to all 'go away' and go back to our 'normal' life.
And sorry for the random capitalization, my keyboard sucks!
my parents have been divorced for nearly 20 years. my father always comes to birthdays, christmas, easter, etc at my mom's house, which is kind of odd but it has worked for us. My mom put up with it to make it easier on us kids having to juggle getting together and travel extra on the holidays, etc. And mom and dad get along, at least outwardly.
Well, last year my dad's cousin was sick so my dad started visiting a lot to help care for him and then the cousin died (in April maybe, i can't remember).
Well, next thing I hear is that the cousins wife is living with my dad b/c she didn't have anywhere to go and didn't have any money. she is from the philipines and they met online or she was mail order....who knows. So, dad is 'helping her get on her feet and get settled'. Anywhere that dad goes this woman (we shall call her Bev, hope that doesn't offend anyone:) ) goes.
Well, they visited on labor day and i 'caught' dad blowing her a kiss...which was odd but i was in denial so i just pretended it didn't happen. If you ask them anything dad mumbles some answer but doesn't really answer the question you asked and quickly changes the subject. Bev is difficult to understand b/c of her accent, she talks quietly and if you ask her to repeat something she just giggles (which drives me insane) so i don't really talk to her much b/c it is just too much effort.
So, we see them again at my sister's farm...more of the same evasive weirdness. Well, then my mom calls and says "have you heard that your father is getting married?" I hadn't. Apparently he called 1 sister (there are 3 of us) and told her and then my mom called her and sister thought that mom knew so she casually brought it up and mom didn't know...so that is how sister2 and I found out.
3 weeks later, my dad finally called to tell me the news himself. Since then, we have had birthday get-togethers for dad, sister2, myself, my daughter and thanksgiving (this is all since November 1). I typically only see him about 1 time every couple of months, then it is overload in November and December!!! Well, now Bev is there too! It is insanely awkward since it my mom, my dad and my dad's fiance.
He doesn't seem to think there is anything odd about continuing with the normal traditions. I think it is painful and i know that my mom and sister2 agree (sister1 lives farther away and has not been to any of the birthday gatherings or thanksgiving, so her first experience will be at Christmas). So, my first question is...who and how should we say that they aren't welcome at the holiday gatherings? Are we being unreasonable to think that he should not be bringing his new wife to his ex-wife's house?
Anyways, regarding the wedding, all he has said to me is that they are engaged...no date (which is supposedly Jan 12). He mentioned that Bev wanted a big wedding party but he didn't specifically ask me to be involved. Sometime earlier this month he asked Sister1 to make the invitations and she said that she wasn't good at doing them and that he should ask me...i've talked to him 2 times since then but he hasn't mentioned it (whew). Last night he called sister2 and asked her to be a bridesmaid...she has yet to give an answer but she doesn't want to (and neither does sister1 or me, but he hasn't asked me...yet). my nephew is a ring bearer.
I don't even want to go to the wedding but since I avoid confrontation i will go. But being in the wedding party conveys a message that you support said marriage, and i don't really.
Anyways...i personally think sister1 is just burying her head and saying everything is fine and she's cool with it, but i can tell when i talk to her that she doesn't really believe what she is saying. She makes a valid point that he is aging and it does take some responsibility from us in terms of caring for him. Sister2 is incredibly upset and doesn't know what to do.
My biggest thing is really the way he has handled the situation...being secretive, and telling one sister weeks before telling the others and acting like it is all no big deal (Bev is 35, from the philipines, was married to his cousin who died less than a year ago, has a child in the philipines)...it is all quite sudden. He brings her to my mom's and shows no plans to stop. It would be different if he was marrying someone his own age (he is 64) and they had dated and we had a chance to get to know her first and they weren't secretive and he told us all at the same time (or at least called us on the same day). I questioned him about 'helping her get on her feet' and he claims that is how it started but it grew into more than that (gag). It is also very suspicious that he helped take care of george. We were all surprised when he was going there every weekend and sometimes during the week and now we all wonder if it was b/c there was something going on. Which just makes me think even less of the situation.
I am not particularly close to him. He is bad about making comments about my mom or sisters so who knows what he says about me to them. I just try to maintain a semi-decent relationship since he IS my father and I try to make the best of it. In recent years he has changed (for the better) so I had been trying to work on things (all unspoken) and then all this comes and I feel like we are back to square one...if not worse...yet he seems to be clueless as to how we all feel. If he really knew me, he would know based on things that i have said. That probably makes me somewhat passive agressive, but i like to think i'm just a wussy non-confrontational person that is afraid of the drama that comes from speaking my mind. That or afraid of being rejected again by my own father...i'm sure there would be some nice issues there for a therapist to deal with!
Oh and to make christmas even more pleasant (sarcasm), my in-laws arrive today and will be attending part of the festivities on christmas day at my mom's house. They know he is getting married but they do not know any of these details as far as I know (dh told them when he was visiting them so i wasn't there).
Ok, i think i hit all the major points...so, what would you do? I hate confrontation...i just want it to all 'go away' and go back to our 'normal' life.
And sorry for the random capitalization, my keyboard sucks!
Re: Father issue...advice needed (long)
I can't believe they're thinking of having a big wedding with a wedding party and all. Like you said, I would attend but there's no way I'd be a part of it. You don't have to like his new wife or his choices but you don't have to be part of the wedding either. That's just weird.
My last comment may seem weird, but be sure your Dad has a will if there's anything he has (like family heirlooms, etc) that are expected to go to you and your sisters upon his death. I just saw something on TV (Real Housewives, sigh) where these rich girls' dad married a girl from the Phillipines and Dad died suddenly without a will, leaving the girls high and dry and Phillipine wife with everything.
I don't want to come across poorly here, but it sounds maybe like your dad is behaving the best he knows how because he too, just like you, hates confrontation and is also afraid of being rejected by you. Sounds like this marriage is just a small piece to the relationship puzzle that you and your dad have had since the divorce. I think it would be very difficult to be in your shoes, or his shoes. I think he's a lonely person who found a partner and it just happened to be his cousin's wife, like he had told you. I would seriously consider getting together with dad alone (even though you hate confrontation) and tell him exactly what you have told us. That you don't like it, but would like to see a good end result to the mess and you don't think being a bridesmaid, or invitation maker, or whatever else you aren't comfortable with, is the answer right now to a tense relationship, but that you DO want a good relationship with him, you just aren't sure right now what that is, and if it includes Miss Phillipines.
Unfortunately, the best answer here imo, is a discussion with your dad, by yourself, no sisters or mom to make him feel ganged up on, or to "help" put words in your mouth. It may just turn out that since ILs are here, having him there at Christmas won't be too bad. HTH!
My advice: Support your mother in whatever decisions she makes, including her decision to allow or not allow him to come to gatherings. Then support your father in whatever decisions he makes (whether or not you agree with them). Now that doesn't mean you have to be in the wedding party or even go to the wedding. Just that I would try to be as understanding as you possibly can because I think in the long run you will be happier.
I can see how it would be weird for your dad to be marrying his cousin's wife. He probably knows it's weird and that's why he's being so secretive. It sounds like he avoids confrontation at all costs as well and that's what is creating all these bad feelings. You should try to sit down with him and tell him how you feel if that's possible. If you can clear the air you'll feel a lot better. Avoiding the situation will only build your resentment.
I guess I don't really understand why it upsets you that he's bringing his new wife to your mom's house though. If they've been divorced 20 years I would think they had dealt with this before now? And if they're getting married Bev's going to be part of the family - like it or not. So if you choose to carry all this resentment it's going to create a rift between your father and the rest of the family. I'm sure there's more to this than is posted here though.
If you try to look at it from Bev's point of view she probably knew cousin was going to pass and didn't have a lot of options. Can you imagine how bad your life would have to be to come halfway across the world to get married to a perfect stranger? Add to that, not understanding what the hell people are saying to you, adjusting to a whole new culture and then your new hubby dies. Granted, she may have taken advantage of your dad which is no good. Does it seem like your dad is unhappy? It may not be easy but sometimes the best thing to do is let people make their own mistakes. I'm finding that just because you get older doesn't mean you have any better idea what the hell you're doing than anyone else.
I do hope you feel better and try to work through this with your family.
I think you are upset because your dad's new relationship isn't conforming to a "normal" way of creating a relationship and following a "normal" progression of things.
Perhaps the big picture that he is happy and that he isn't harming anyone in his happiness should be looked at, rather than the dirty details. Being IN the mix of the drama makes it SO HARD to follow that idea, but I think it will make a lot of things easier if you try and simplify it this way.
And like the pp said, if it bothers your mom, she needs to say something; although, 20 years later...I hope it would be okay.
Your parents have been divorced for a long time. You and your sisters are all grown with families of your own. It shouldn't really be a concern to you who he chooses to marry as long as he is happy. Sure, it's strange that he's marrying his cousin's wife, but I have experience with that too. My uncle's ex-wife married my aunt's ex-husband. Weird? Sure it was at first, but now they attend our family events with no problem.
I don't think it is fair to uninvite your father from the events he has been attending for years just because he is getting married. Afterall, your family has accepted the new spouses of you and your siblings with open arms, correct?
I know things are weird and it will take an adjustment period, but I think there will be a lot of hurt feelings- not just your father's- if you don't include him in family events. And definitely, if you want to talk about your feelings or thoughts, talk straight to your father. Do it alone and in a way that he does not feel attacked.
Good luck.
cork2win...the will issue is a bit of a concern...i go back and forth on whether it should even matter...seems i'm his child i should be 'entitled' to something, but since i don't have the best relationship then why should i be 'entitled'...then i remind myself it is to pay for the therapy. Oh, and just in general I don't trust her...we will watch for mysterious illnesses.
Not sure if this is clear...but he comes to events and acts like we are all one big happy family...so not like he pops by her house or something. I guess you are right that it is her house and her 'job' to decide if he is welcome and to let him know...he invited himself to Thanksgiving and Christmas and kind of caught us all off guard when he did it. This has not been a problem in the past b/c he never brought any prior girlfriends around for holidays/birthdays. I just think it is awkward (though Bev just sits on the couch and doesn't say anything really).
Oh, and i don't want to be a bridesmaid.
I must say...I have a great mom to put up with all this crap for all these year...I was married before and am so incredibly thankful we never had children and could go our separate ways and not see each other (except for several years he worked at the same company so I randomly saw him, but that is another issue entirely...I think I have some pent up issues...thanks for the free therapy!)
As for his happiness....who knows. He's getting action and has someone cleaning his house and making him food...i find it odd that they have any real companionship with the age difference (and i feel that way about any giant age differences not just my own father). Who am I to decide how he really feels I guess.
Just be honest with ME and not secretive and weird!
Ha! The difference is that after his last divorce, he ran off to Thailand to marry a girl half his age. (So he wasn't here when I got married.) He tried to convince me to help him sell off his prized album collection and other belongings and I just couldn't handle it. His poor choices over the years just continue to baffle me. Anyway, after he left for Thailand for good he called once (I'm his only child) and left a VM and that was 5 years ago. I haven't heard from him since, nor do I know how to contact him. I don't know if he is alive or dead. I just can't wrap my brain around it. Thankfully, my mom isn't alive to witness this craziness.
All I ever wanted was a normal family! I'm sure you too!
Sorry you are dealing with this.