Columbus Nesties
Dear Community,
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
My mom is in surgery.
Just when you think things couldn't get any worse, they do. The doctors discovered that her lungs are filled with fluid. She's in surgery now to have a chest tube put in and while she's in surgery she is going to have a port put in incase they (she) decide(s) to do chemo. The doctors are also injecting her lungs with some medicine. The doctors seem to think the fluid is leaking from a tumor and could potentially be cancerous as well.
For those of you who have lost parents or loved ones close to you, how do you deal with this? How to you deal with knowing the person you love is dying? I honestly feel like I can't cope. It's the holidays and all I want to do is wish them away. I've lost loved ones before but no one that I was this close to. I feel confused emotionally. I don't want her to die but I'm ready for her to be comfortable.
For those of you who have lost parents or loved ones close to you, how do you deal with this? How to you deal with knowing the person you love is dying? I honestly feel like I can't cope. It's the holidays and all I want to do is wish them away. I've lost loved ones before but no one that I was this close to. I feel confused emotionally. I don't want her to die but I'm ready for her to be comfortable.
Re: My mom is in surgery.
Hi Danica,
I've always seen your posts but have never felt comfortable enough to post. But all I can really say is you can only cope one day at a time, and take things one day at a time. Your feelings of her wanting to die but also your need for her to be comfortable (all the while being confused about how you feel) is natural. If you feel like talking, just give a shout. (hugs)
I am so sorry, Danica.
(((big hugs)))
I cannot imagine what this must be like, so if you'd like (and he also agrees) I can pass your e-mail address along to him and you two can chat. I am sure he would be able to give you more insite than anyone else.
((hugs)) again.
Oh, sweetie.
As you know, 4 years ago tomorrow my sister had a massive stroke. She lived 2 months, and died right as we finally thought she was turning the corner to survive. Our holidays are no longer the same.
It is the hardest thing in the world to watch someone you love so much, be in pain and suffering. You want to take it away from them but you can't. You try to be cheerful and upbeat for them but you cry the second you get out of their sight. You are torn between not wanting them to endure this, yet not wanting to let them go.
I have no words of wisdom for you, but I wish I did. All I can tell you is to make each day count. You have a limited number of them with your Mom, you just don't know what that number is. So every day, love her with all you have. Spend time with her when you can, and not just "caretaker" time. Talk with her, laugh with her, find something beautiful in every single day. Tell her what she means to you. Tell her your dreams and your hopes for the future.
But most importantly, tell her that it's okay to let go whenever she needs to, and that you will be alright when she does. Sometimes our loved ones hold on for us, even if it means they have no quality of life, but they are afraid to leave us because they know how devastated we will be. Your Mom needs to know that as long as she is willing to fight, you will be fighting for and with her, but if she needs to let go....you can let her go. I know that sounds hard....and it is, I'm not gonna lie....but this is about what is best for her, and what she needs.
You will be okay, babe. I promise you.
Seven months to the day after my sister died, my Dad died too. Our family of six was suddenly four, and I wasn't sure how we would ever be the same. Well, we're not the same. But we've learned to live with the holes in our hearts. My Dad had suffered for 5 years with Alzheimer's, and I was ready to let him go. My sister was a whole other story, and to this day I'm angry that she had to go through two months of pain and suffering from that damn stroke, only to die anyway. But you learn to live with what you cannot control. Death is a part of life, and it touches us all when we least expect it. And in those moments when you feel like you can't cope, when you're ready to just scream and cry and you think you can't deal with this...remember that your Mom loved you enough to bring you into this world, and you love her enough to let her leave it for the next one. You will see her again, she will only be one heartbeat, one breath away. You will feel her near you, you will hear her voice, you will know her arms are wrapped around you when you need her most....and that is how you get through this.
I know Julie has the most experience with this out of anyone I know, and her post is so beautiful.
I lay awake at night crying sometimes just thinking about the loss of my parents. I have no idea how I'm going to handle it when it really happens. I hope I can be as strong as you've been through this. You WILL make it through this. Don't expect too much from yourself though, and please take Julie's advice about making every day count and letting your mom know it's ok for her to leave when she's ready. That's the best gift you can give her right now.
I hope the surgery goes well and you have some more time with your mom to say all the things you want/need to say. I'm holding your hand, virtually.
*big hugs*
I'm so sorry you're going through this
You and your mom are in my thoughts!!
My mom was sick for a long while before she passed away when I was 5. I was kept away from her a lot ~ I guess they thought it would shelter me. No one told me what was going on (although I had a general idea) and I never got to say good-bye. To be honest, even though it was 26 years ago, I am not over it. I miss her.
I'm sorry you are dealing with. It's horrible. My best advice is to spend as much time as possible with her and tell her how much you love her. It rips your heart out every time you see her in pain, (not to mention being terribly draining) but just know that your presence is comforting to her.
Check your pm on the six degrees-love ya!
I send you much love and comfort.
Please take care of yourself as well!
erin
Just offering ((HUGS)). Everything you're feeling is completely normal, hon. I'll be thinking about you!
To add to what others have said about loss and dealing...
My dad dropped dead in the middle of a workday when I was seventeen, from surgical complications a month after surgery. I was immediately over-medicated by our overzealous family doctor, so I don't remember much of the immediate period after his death. But as I've come to deal with it in the last 8.5 years, I've learned that there really are no patterns or failsafes for grief and life. It's always different for each person, and it's different from day to day for every person. I barely remember the first two years after my dad's death, but I do remember that there were always good days and bad days. The bad days far outnumbered the good for a long time, especially because I felt so guilty for any good feelings.
I learned to lean on the people who wanted to be there for me. I alternately forgot to eat and binged enough to gain 20 pounds in three months instead of the traditional 15 in a year. I had to learn to let go of my own guilt and anger before I could really begin to do anything with my life.
As time has passed, grief, and life, have gotten easier. I still get emotional around the 7th of any given month, and I calculate the amount of time since I've graduated from high school by referencing how long it's been since my dad died. But I can watch baseball again, I can listen to jazz again, I can play the piano again, I can think about both my past and my future without wishing only for his presence. It's all taken time, and it's never guaranteed that I won't get upset. I'm by no means saying that time will heal all wounds, because it won't. But time and therapy do help. Like others have so rightly said, your life will be forever changed, and no amount of time will make it what it was. But at the same time, life will go on, and it will become good again, and it will be in many ways a tribute to everything you learned from your mom.
The holidays are always hard. My grandfather, with whom I was very close, died on DH's and my six month wedding anniversary in January, so this year has been full of firsts all over again. We're looking at Christmas and New Years' with a lot of sadness, thinking of how little we knew about how little time we had left last year. At the same time, he'd been fighting brain and lung cancer, pneumonia, and a huge amount of pain. We can take comfort in knowing that he's no longer hurting, and that he lives on in his wife, children, and grandchildren, and the millions of things he was to each of us.
When I gave a eulogy at his funeral, I said that, and I still take comfort in, it isn't him for whom we grieve. We grieve for what could have been in our own lives, and what might have been accomlished in his life, while recognizing that he is truly no longer in pain, and that he will never be gone as long as we remember all he gave us.
The amount of pain and confusion you feel is totally understandable, and totally common. Please, please realize that nothing you think or feel or want right now is wrong. Allow yourself to grieve the loss of the holidays, the loss of a certain sort of innocence, and your life as you know it, even before she's gone. And lean on those who offer. Tell people what you need and how you need it. And tell those who matter to you that you love them, over and over and over.
(((hugs)))
Mother's Day, 2011
Hopeing for all the best for you Danica.
You and your family in my thoughts and prayers.
Hi Danica,
I'm really to sorry to hear that your mom is in surgery again. I will keep you and your family in my prayers.
I'm not sure if this will answer any of your questions, but I will tell you how I dealt with my Anut when she was really sick and then passed away - When my anut was getting really sick I started praying everyday to make sure that God would help me deal with her being in the hospital or not doing well at all, I then also started praying that God allows her to have peace and to be pain free, however that may be. It was really hard for me to start praying that, but over time I started to feel better because I would much rather her be in heaven without all the pain she had been in. While it is still hard for me, especially with the holidays and her birthday being Christmas Eve, I know that she is in a better place and that she will always be looking down to make sure we are all taken care of!
Just let me know if you ever need someone to talk to!
Many hugs to you Danica!! I am so sorry this is happening to you, and I feel for you.