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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
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Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Tattoos = Divorce? Who knew.
Okay ladies. I swear I'm so thankful for all of you putting up with my marriage updates. Please, stop me if you can't take it anymore.
So, the latest is, I brought up how I want 3 more tattoos. (I currently have 4.) Joe said that I should save the money because when I come home with one it will just get removed. I thought he was kidding, or at least partially kidding so jokingly I asked, "Why, will you divorce me over tattoos?" He just stared at me and didn't say anything. So, I thought to myself, I think he's serious. So, I asked again. Still no response. He wouldn't answert he freakin' question. So I dropped it. Fast forward to Wednesday night, Joe's friends are over, and brought up tattoos. I said I wanted more but don't know if I will get them. They ask why, I told them. Joe shook his head yes when they looked at him. Are you freaking kidding me?!? I think it's ridiculous but I love tattoos. Am I crazy?
The other thing is I house/dog sat for my sister and my parents for about 10 days. Never once did Joe spend the night even though I asked him several times, he always had an excuse. He brought me dinner the first night and brought our dog over on the second night. After that, I didn't see him unless I went home to get clothes for 10 minutes. (I was working 16+ hour days) He would text message me at 5:30-6:00am and get pissed because I didn't text him back. Well... I'm SLEEPING. He hardly called, anything. I initiated most conversations if we had one.
Something has to give. I can't do this much longer. All the things I told you ladies about before are still happening. He did get off the dating site, I checked. But it doesn't make me feel a whole lot better. He still thinks he's blameless for these things. How do you tell someone you're not happy? When I bring up counseling now he changes the subject. My brain feels like it's been scrambled.
So, the latest is, I brought up how I want 3 more tattoos. (I currently have 4.) Joe said that I should save the money because when I come home with one it will just get removed. I thought he was kidding, or at least partially kidding so jokingly I asked, "Why, will you divorce me over tattoos?" He just stared at me and didn't say anything. So, I thought to myself, I think he's serious. So, I asked again. Still no response. He wouldn't answert he freakin' question. So I dropped it. Fast forward to Wednesday night, Joe's friends are over, and brought up tattoos. I said I wanted more but don't know if I will get them. They ask why, I told them. Joe shook his head yes when they looked at him. Are you freaking kidding me?!? I think it's ridiculous but I love tattoos. Am I crazy?
The other thing is I house/dog sat for my sister and my parents for about 10 days. Never once did Joe spend the night even though I asked him several times, he always had an excuse. He brought me dinner the first night and brought our dog over on the second night. After that, I didn't see him unless I went home to get clothes for 10 minutes. (I was working 16+ hour days) He would text message me at 5:30-6:00am and get pissed because I didn't text him back. Well... I'm SLEEPING. He hardly called, anything. I initiated most conversations if we had one.
Something has to give. I can't do this much longer. All the things I told you ladies about before are still happening. He did get off the dating site, I checked. But it doesn't make me feel a whole lot better. He still thinks he's blameless for these things. How do you tell someone you're not happy? When I bring up counseling now he changes the subject. My brain feels like it's been scrambled.
Re: Tattoos = Divorce? Who knew.
At some point you have to ask whether you're happier being together or apart. I know the answer for me, and only you know the answer for you. You were away from Joe for 10 days, how did you feel during that time? Was it easier? Other than being mad he didn't call or come by, did you enjoy being away from him?
He's obviously not interested in counseling so you have to decide if you think you're capable of making both of yourselves happy, by yourselves, or whether it's not worth the effort. The thing about the tattoos is weird. What is "it will just get removed" supposed to mean? Is he planning on ripping off your skin or something? Sounds to me like at this point he's just saying whatever mean thing he can say to you, and that's not helping.
Time for a real, heart to heart where you each express what it is you want out of the relationship, what you're not getting, what it will take to fix it and whether or not you're both in it for the long haul or if you'd rather break loose.
You're really right. I just don't know how to bring it up. When I've initiated conversations in the past he either sits and watches t.v. despite me asking him to please listen or plays on his computer, doing whatever. I never get taken seriously and he always turns things around and makes me feel guilty even though I shouldn't. Why should I feel guilty that he joined up for a dating site?! I don't get it but he's good at twisting things around.
I enjoyed myself (what little time I had) while I was away. It hurt me that he always had an excuse as to why he couldn't stay over though. But when I accepted that he wasn't coming I began to enjoy myself and time to my thoughts, not that they cleared anything up.
*hugs*
It sounds like the tattoo thing is just an excuse he's using for an underlying issue. Like he's grasping at straws to find ways to break up your relationship, and picking fights, instead of just coming out and telling you that he's not happy.
You have to make it absolutely clear to him (if this is how you feel), that if he doesn't go to counseling with you, that is him turning his back on your relationship, and that it's a deal-breaker.
I know this sounds nuts considering my dissolution will be final on Monday - but I can recommend a good marriage counselor if he does decide to give in and go. Just msg me and I'll send you her info. We started going to her after it was "too late" for me - but I did like her a lot.
He's really giving you no options right now - so you need to do what's best for you.
I'm really sorry that you're stuck in this situation - I know how it feels
If you ever want to chat - just let me know! heavenly78@yahoo.com
Your husband isn't going to take you seriously until YOU take you seriously. You need to know what you want before you try to talk to him. You need to know what your options are, what your decision is going to be based on what he has to say to you. Only when you KNOW these things is it time to get serious with him. When that happens and you start talking to him and he turns on the TV, you grab the remote or you rip the cord out of the wall or whatever you have to do to get his attention, and make him understand that THIS TIME it's different.
If you've had multiple conversations with him about issues that result in him insulting you are making you feel bad or whatever, he has no reason to believe that THIS TIME is different unless you make sure he knows it. If he gets on his computer, you pull the plug on that, if he gets up to walk out, you stand in front of him or tell him if he walks out he may as well pack a bag because he won't be coming back. But you have to be prepared to follow through on these things. Empty threats will get you nowhere at this point. You have to be ready to face whatever the outcome may be from this situation, and honestly from what you've written it doesn't sound to me like you're really ready. And that's fine, it's a major decision and you shouldn't rush it. Take your time, think about your options, know what you want and what you're prepared to do, and be sure about it. When you're sure, it's time to act. Until then you need to spend some time thinking about you and your options because right now it doesn't sound like thinking about you as a couple is helping get you anywhere. You don't have Joe's cooperation and it doesn't sound like you're going to get it unless you let him know you're serious, and you may not even get cooperation then, but at least you can extracate yourself from the situation because you'll be prepared.
I'm sorry, and I know it's hard, but you can't live your life this way.
I have never been in your position but I thought I would lend some support. First of all ((hugs)) to you because I know you have been going through this for awhile.
When I bring up counseling now he changes the subject.
How can this be? Can you not sit him down and have a conversation about it? I would demand to be heard! This is your life you are talking about. I know we have talked about this before but have you gone to counseling by yourself? It is okay to do this. And hopefully you can find someone very supportive to lean on during this troubling time.
As the pp said, empty threats will get you no where.
And I know we have talking about this before as well but how is the financial situation. Were you able to start putting money away that only YOU have access to? You had said before that you needed to change your direct deposit. Were you able to do so?
And one more question. Were you able to look into any lawyers. You know, just to have in your back pocket. Although it's sad, please prepare for the worse. You don't want to be caught or blindsided without your own representation. It is good to research those things now.
I am sorry that you are dealing with this and you know that you have our support. Thank you for keeping us updated and we are rallying behind you. You are going to make it through this. Please listen to Sue. She had so much good advice. Hang in there and keep us posted.
((((((((Hugs again))))))